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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I get between DH and this MIL?

141 replies

Madinche1sea · 10/10/2016 10:55

I don't think I can face dealing with MIL today Sad
Just for background - MIL was unfortunately widowed last year. She had been previously living in Argentina with late FIL, but did not wish to remain there alone. It was decided that she would come and live with us in London and we would convert our basement into an apartment for her.
So three months of renovations earlier this year. MIL was living in our house with us and was consulted all the way about choice of flooring, decor, etc. When the work was more or less completed, she then decided that she didn't want to live "down below" in a basement after all! Btw, it was not at all dark or pokey - we had even had the back garden re-levelled so that she had direct access to it via sliding glass doors.
Anyway, DH is used to his mother being quite high maintenance, so got her an apartment with 24 hour security down the road. She moved in early August and seems quite happy with this arrangement.
The problem is that she now expects me to visit her EVERY day. During the week, I'm expected to facilitate her contact with the outside world. DH has organised various home- help / cleaners for her, but she shouts at them all, accuses them of stealing from her, etc. So this is all falling to me as a result. I think she's gone through 3 different companies now. She is 68, but looks early 50's. Very good health and one of the most glamorous women I know.
When she lived with us, she was on a mission to get me cooking more Persian food (she's originally from Iran). She says DH should not be deprived of this and it is also our DC's heritage (we have 4 DC). Now she still comes down on Sunday mornings to "help" me cook all this food as she sees fit. Yesterday was a nightmare. She came when DH was at rugby and I was trying to supervise 4 lots of homework. She took over the whole kitchen to "help" me make all this food when I would have rather just waited for DH to come back and gone out for lunch. I was exhausted and close to tears by the evening because of her.
Then, in the night, she called DH at 3am (she often does this) because she was having one of her "panic attacks" / suspected she had an intruder. DH walked down there and calmed her down. When he got back it was 4.40 and he had to leave for his flight at 5.30 anyway.
Now DH is away until Fri and I don't think I have the patience to deal with her this week. I do feel sorry for her. She was very dependent on her husband and I appreciate she is getting older. Am I being reasonable, or should I just say nothing to DH and accept how she is as an elderly person and his mother?

OP posts:
Somerville · 10/10/2016 11:41

Grief can result in behaviour that appears very strange. I don't think writing her off as narcissistic and disassociating as far as possible is necessarily the right course of action. It depends what she was like before.
If this behaviour is out of character then I'd be encouraging your DH to go and talk to her GP to express his concerns.

If it is in character then you need to put as much of your focus as you can on your husband and children - it'll be tough for a while.

myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 11:44

You don't say this, but I get the feeling from your posts that your are the SAHP and your DH is a high earner, and therefore probably working long hours. So I would guess the agreement is that you take care of "household duties" (hence cooking on Sundays etc) while he works. So I guess the question is whether looking after parents comes under household duties, or if its something else.... Sounds like it's your DH you need to be addressing this issue with, ultimately.

Personally, I agree with a PP that it sounds like he should be cutting down on hobbies and cutting back hours at work to look after his mum. But maybe the first step is finding out how much he and you are willing to contribute to the task of looking after MIL. Because even if you lay down boundaries etc with her, it sounds like she's still going to be a major part of your life going forward.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 10/10/2016 11:48

The thing is with DH he works a lot and does a lot of sports to help himself unwind. The Persian food thing is nothing new - MIL insisted on teaching me this when we got engaged. DH said it was her way of bonding with me Hmm and also it would keep her off our backs about the wedding. They were in London then. But no, it would never have occurred to her to teach either of her sons to boil an egg.

OP posts:
dowhatnow · 10/10/2016 11:49

How on board is DH? I think he needs to help set the boundaries. You also need to start enforcing more boundaries yourself.
"I can't take you today, but Friday I'm free. I can pick you up at 10" sort of thing.
"We are really busy this weekend but if you'd like to pop over time then that would be good. Do you want to cook then or shall I sort something out?"
"Which night would you like to cook this week? I'm going to cook the other meals"
"No it's not convenient now. I want to ***.
"I'm probably not going to pop in today. If I have time I will, but don't bank on it" - make sure you do one in 3 or 4 times you say this but you dont get her relying on you or expecting it.

Nip it in the bud now or precedences will be set. Short term pain for long term gain.

Liiinoo · 10/10/2016 11:49

Just don't do it. Stop. Text her and say 'can't make it today, see you tomorrow,'. Ignore any messages. Gradually reduce the going to hers to once or twice a week. Don't enable her.

If she comes on a Sunday to 'help', leave her to it. Go to the shops or the gym. Let her cook it all herself and then eat with enjoyment and thanks. Say you are giving up because you will never be as good a cook as MIL.

Or go out before she comes over. Again text her saying 'we are eating in X pub/restaurant at 1.30pm. Would you like to join us'. Or don't buy in any food. She can't cook what isn't there.

She is probably lonely so some compassion is called for but that doesn't mean her needs supersede yours. And tell DH to turn his phone off at night. She lives in a building with 24 hour security. If she has an emergency help is on hand.

myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 11:50

The thing is with DH he works a lot and does a lot of sports to help himself unwind. Can't help but feel this is the problem!

oldlaundbooth · 10/10/2016 11:53

get her on mumsnet, you'll never see her again

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 10/10/2016 11:57

Thankyou everyone. If I'm absolutely honest, I'm still getting used to MIL since she came back to London. Previously I was a bit scared of her.
DH has always been very work- focused and very full on in general. Our DC are 5, 8, 11 and 13 and I'm a SAHM since the eldest was born. DH is very patient with his mother, but to be fair, he's not the one dealing with her on a day to day basis. He has tried to get people in to check on her / do cleaning, etc, but most of them have left in tears because she shouts at them!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 10/10/2016 12:04

She has been through the wringer with losing her husband and living alone for the first time only recently. It will take time for her to settle, but agree with other you need to start gently setting boundaries now and start being unavailable gradually.

She is only 68 so not elderly at all (it's likely we will still be working at that age!) and if she wont socialise without you that is her choice. Maybe once you start pulling back she will take the initiative and do things herself.

If you dh thinks she needs more company he'll need to give up his free time which he spends on sports to do this.

Remember she is only 68 and could possibly be around for another 20+ years! You have 4 dc to raise, and while you should help her out, they are your priority.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/10/2016 12:07

Perhaps unfair but unless there is an onset of dementia here, she actually sounds very unpleasant. She shouts at her staff, to the point of tears, she feels as though it's your job to do everything for her, and she overtakes your kitchen all day without even checking. Not to mention the shit show that was a basement conversion for no reason at all.

You say you were previously scared of her. I think you still are, to be honest. If so, you need to face that and try to overcome it. It's not fair for your life to be overtaken by someone like this.

Also, don't believe the 'daughter she never had' bollocks. That's just a euphemism for 'total skivvy' in this instance.

PrimalLass · 10/10/2016 12:08

If you dh thinks she needs more company he'll need to give up his free time which he spends on sports to do this.

This.

TBH, if I were you I'd start volunteering or looking for a job as an excuse.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 10/10/2016 12:12

Thankyou. I'm originally from Spain and have my own mother coming over next month for the Xmas period. She can live in the flat MIL didn't want. I'm expecting MIL will play up quite a lot once DM arrives. Tbh, I'm quite annoyed about the basement conversion because if I'd known she didn't want it, I would have made the space into an open-plan hang out area which would have been very useful as the DC get older.
She has just called now, so I will have to go. She is obsessed about burglars.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 10/10/2016 12:17

It does sound really hard. I hope you find a good solution. Flowers

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 10/10/2016 12:20

Prima - thankyou. Yes, well I was looking into going back to work, but obviously it's been a long time and DH wasn't at all keen to say the least because he thinks it will put too much strain on me and the family as a whole. But I am meant to be starting a part-time course in Feb (refresher for my previous profession) which I persuaded him wouldn't be too much, though I still don't think he expects I will actually get a job at the end of this. We'll see. MIL will hopefully not be as needy by then, I hope.

OP posts:
Liiinoo · 10/10/2016 12:21

She has just called now , so I will have to go

No you don't HAVE to go. You are choosing to go and making a big heavy rod for your own back. You don't even have to answer the phone to her if it is not convenient.

My own widowed mum is 74 and despite having been diagnosed with cancer is active and independent. She sometimes asks for help/lifts etc and completely understands that sometimes it won't be convenient and she will have to wait or make other arrangements. Obviously if there is an emergency I would be there straight away, but otherwise there is lots of give and take.

Honestly you have a choice here - grow a backbone or be an unpaid skivvy with no control over your own life.

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/10/2016 12:29

Good god I'd be embarrassed acting like that at 68! My FIL is now in his early 70s and is currently outside painting one of the bay windows that he also basically rebuilt, both my parents are late 60s and go skiing 3 times a season. She has community and entertainment on her doorstep for goodness sake!

Tbh you sound lovely but far too soft to stand up to her and tell her NO so I reckon you'll just have to learn how to cope!

DartmoorDoughnut · 10/10/2016 12:30

Alternatively get your DM to have a word!

dowhatnow · 10/10/2016 12:34

Yes, you really don't have to go. She knows by pulling the burglar card, you will all go running. I bet when she realises that it doesn't work, she will no longer be scared of burglars. Fair enough in a normal place but her block has 24hr security FGS. Tell her to call them.

Start delaying things and just generally be unavailable more.

I agree that she needs telling straight that it is not acceptable to shout at people. - but of course she will continue to do it whilst that means she gets what she really wants ie. you and DH dancing to her tune.

Look at why you are scared of her (and you still are). What will happen if you just say no and scale all the help back?

pictish · 10/10/2016 12:54

You're going to have to be brave and carve out some boundaries.

"I won't be cooking with you this weekend, I've got other things on."

"I can't come round today, I'm all booked up."

"How does xday at xtime sound? I'm free then and all yours."

All breezy breezy!

"If you chase off your cleaners, there's nothing dh or I can do about that. I'm not going to take on cleaning your home as well as my own, so you're going to have to work something out. It's your call."

Matter of fact.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2016 13:01

OP, you are unfortunately feeding the problem big time. She's fine and is playing you massively. Just say you are busy and will need to let her get on with things now you have settled her in. Maybe arrange for a police visit to advise on home security and keeping safe regarding her jewellery.

She clearly very high maintenance and unless you put some really firm boundaries in place nothing will change.

Why do you feel so obliged to jump to her commands?

YelloDraw · 10/10/2016 13:03

Oh come on, anyone who shouts at people coming in to clean/cook doesn't deserve any sympathy.

Either she does it herself, or she plays nice with other people.

Make this DHs problem.

pictish · 10/10/2016 13:04

"DH says she has come to see me as the daughter she never had!"

Good for her. She's not the mother you always wanted! Relationships are a two way thing and your husband has to understand that. You have been lumped with the job of being mil's hobby and your dh is dressing it up so you'll find it difficult to refuse her. They don't get to pick you a role and have you dumbly step into it...not when it's as all-consuming as this!

justgivemeamo · 10/10/2016 13:05

your pandering too much just say you have enough on ;

SapphireStrange · 10/10/2016 13:05

The thing is with DH he works a lot and does a lot of sports to help himself unwind.

Well isn't that nice for him?

Why does all this 'fall to' you? Tell him in no uncertain terms a) that his mother drives you to exhaustion and tears, with examples and b) that you will no longer step up to help out HIS mother on your own.

Could you afford to lose the money from the basement conversion?

Get your qualification and get back to work. Your DH will just have to lump it.

BestZebbie · 10/10/2016 13:10

How convenient that you are now MILs daughter, who can therefore put yourself out to do her bidding like her son feels obliged to, rather than remaining her DIL, who might not take that crap.