What's the best thing anyone has ever said or done when you were grieving?

[Flamingo1980]

You know how people always say "I didn't know what to do/say" when someone dies - let's find out what IS helpful. You lot always come out with brilliant stuff.

When my dad died everyone just said "Hope you're okay". I found this extremely unhelpful and actually very isolating. Of course I wasn't okay - but no offer of help, only 'hope'.
The best thing anyone said came from a girl I didn't know very well who just said: "I'm so sorry about your dad, it's shit isn't it?" - I was so relieved someone had acknowledged it was shit and so let me talk about how rubbish it was. The relief!
What have you found helped?

I always remember returning to work, after my dad died. So so difficult, walking through the doors. The very first person I met, who just happened to be walking past the doors as I entered, said nothing, just put her arms around me. And I will never forget her for that.

The worst, to me, were those who said nothing or did nothing, as in, didn't acknowledge his death. They were few and far between, thankfully, but it hurt.
So, for me, I prefer someone who says something, or writes a card, than someone who pretends nothing has happened.

I am fortunate to not have experienced too much bereavement, but I found cards with memories and details on about my loved one very comforting.

I found it helpful to be able to cry or be sad without people freaking out or trying to 'do' something to make it better. Just being allowed to cry without a fuss. So often people 'use' crying as a way of attracting attention when they're not really that distressed, but when you're truly upset, you don't really want attention, you just need to process.

When my DH died there was nothing people did that wasn't welcome. Just saying "I'm sorry for your loss" meant they cared. Coming to the funeral was immensely supportive. My DH died when our DCs were still at primary school. As he'd been a SAHD he was very well-known at the school. Hundreds of people came to the funeral, the vicar said it was more like a wedding. Afterwards my older son said "I know it isn't true but today it felt as though the whole world loved Daddy." That's what all those people who turned out for his funeral did for us. So very kind.

Other things included bringing food round for weeks while he was dying and after. They must have made a rota. It was amazingly kind and comforting. Taking the kids out with their own to distract them.

The more I type the more things I remember. People were immensely kind. Nothing you do for a bereaved person is wasted. Just knowing that others care is enough.

It was weird that so many people said that however ill someone's been their death always comes as a shock. This wasn't true for me. I was all too aware that my DH was dying and, when he did I wasn't even slightly shocked. However I was immensely relieved. His death was so much easier than I'd feared. He died at home of a painless side effect. I'm still grateful for that.

I lost my dear Nan on Friday and this thread has had me in tears. It's good to read to because I was feeling bad that I'd felt "normal yesterday and this morning. It's good to read that there's no right way to grieve.

My friend told me not to worry about my dogs at all, I live an hour away from my family and that meant I wasn't stressing about them.

to everyone and my Nan.

It doesn't get easier but you get better at it. This was the only thing that touched me after I lost my dad nearly 18 years ago.

For me, it was people who acknowledged in a heartfelt way how awful it was for me, and how tough it is to do the necessary tasks and rituals when you just want to hide under the duvet forever.

Practical help - an Aunt who looked after my small DC after DF died so DM and I could go to the undertakers.

Those who asked how I was weeks, months, years afterwards. Not ex-SIL when we were on a day out who commented 6 weeks after DF had died that "buttered doesn't seem quite herself"

One thing I learned which I share with bereaved people is not to feel guilty if someone or something makes you smile. Any respite you get, take it. Grief will seek you out. You don't need to look for it.

My little boy died almost 2.5 years ago, I just like people to continue to talk about him, I don't want people to forget that he was here even though he wasn't here very long (1 year and 25 days). I talk about him everyday and I'll continue to do so until I die.

For my children really.

When their dad died my eldest was almost 15 years old. A girl a year above him heard the news and she bought him loads of chocolate and just hugged him. She didn't say anything, she just handed the chocolate over and hugged him. Obviously it wasn't the chocolate that impressed me, just her kindness, when so many, even people we are close to ran away from them.

So many people avoided them, they couldn't cope with seeing their pain it seems, but this young girl who barely knew him did that and it touched him and me so much. I found her on FB and messaged her telling her how grateful I was and what an amazing young woman she is.

I hate that I'm not allowed to talk about my girls. Apparently it might upset other people. It would be nice for once if someone other than DH would listen without abject horror when I mention their names.

my son was stillborn. people letting me talk about him and about my pregnancy and acknowledging my loss are the kindest things.

i will never cease to be surprised at the way people treat you in this situation. often i am made to feel like i have to beware of how it affects other people to talk about it. its shit. listening endlessly to other people talk about their pregnancies and kids and the silence or ignoring when i talk about my son is deafening.

if only people took a second to imagine if their child never made it. horrible!

As a PP has said, it's people acknowledging that things aren't the same. For the first few weeks after my dad died (I was 18) everyone was wonderful, really rallying round. But then it was Christmas, their lives moved on, and I remember feeling really bitter that they could all have fun and get on with things, while I just walked around in a daze and tried to hold my mum and sister together, too. So when I did get the occasional text from a friend, checking up on me or even acknowledging the 3 month "anniversary", it mattered a lot. Just because it meant that they hadn't all forgotten and moved on.

When my dad died (I was only 13), my mum received a grief card from one of his friends's wives and I received a separate one from his friends' son.

This kid was a year older than me and his dad (so my dad's friend) had died about four years before. He wrote this really long note in the card. It said he didn't really know me but he wanted to say he was sorry and that he was one of the very few well wishers who knew what I was feeling. He said I should prepare myself for lots of outpourings of sympathy but most people still go home at night and don't give you a second thought and I should find my true friends and make the most of them. He also said I shouldn't feel guilty for laughing and having a great time with my friends because adults tell us these are the best days of our lives so I should make the most of them, that I've got my adult life to be miserable if I wanted to.
It was really sweet. It was so well-written, really funny but also really heart-felt.

My DB died recently. It helped when people shared their memories of him. He died in horrific circumstances and many people seem not to want to say anything about him. I don't want to dwell on his death but I do want to talk about him.

Personally, I hate "if you want anything just ask". Feels like a cop out.

My DM was killed last month in a car accident. She was 69. People have been so kind. But what I've found most comfort in is people, not even close family, recounting their memories of her and saying which qualities of hers they admired, with examples.
Back at work reactions have been mixed. Some people haven't mentioned it at all, they simply don't know what to say. One senior partner simply gave me a massive hug, no words. Another colleague cried with me. That was touching.
.

After my dads wake one of my dads closest friends who can not handle emotion at all and is one of the biggest pisstake/jokers Iv ever met, took my hand in both of his really gently and looked me in the eye and just said my name. I knew it would have been so so hard for him to say anything so I just said... It's ok, I know, I will be ok. To which he hugged me and left. Why that meant so much to me I don't know but I'll never forget that exchange

When my son died (stillbirth) an acquaintance who had been through the same said "you're not supposed to get over it."

It helped enormously not to feel like I should be bouncing back, concentrating on his twin etc. It's ok not to get over your child dying. Very freeing.

Sadly one of my daughters passed suddenly 2 years ago. One of the most helpful things was the cruse counsellor telling me to breathe and as this was exceptional circumstances it was ok to grieve in whatever manner worked for me, there was no right way. That l would always grieve for my daughter but the time would come when l would be able to function again.

Hearing everything happens for a reason still sends me wild. Or you have 4 other children - really!

When I returned to work after losing my DM only months after losing my DF a child in my class wandered nervously up to me and said 'Your Mum has died and that's really sad!' He was right it bloody was but there was something so innocent and yet so sincere in those words from six year old which made me feel so much better.

When I lost my Mum so many people were so kind to me and many people said or sent a message to say 'we're here for you'. And I am grateful for their love and support.
But what has stayed with me is the friend (who had lost her Mum herself) who hugged me and said 'I know how alone you're feeling'.
I did feel alone, despite all the people who were helping and caring for me, and all I wanted was my Mum. It was a recognition of just how awful the situation was, and it meant so much to me. I've never forgotten it.
That friend also helped so much with my daughter, having her round to play with her daughter and taking her to after-school activities, and making sure she was still having fun while i was struggling and grieving. I don't think I ever thanked her enough.

This thread is so helpful, it really is. The last thing that well-meaning people want to do is make a situation worse and it seems that they unwittingly do. for everyone on the thread.

A few from when my dad (technically stepdad) died when I was 12. Not sure that they helped at the time exactly, but they stand out for me now, so I they touched me, I guess. The night it happened, the youngest son of my dads fiancée came into my room, and although he was very obviously upset himself, said he was sorry about my dad and that he knew it was harder for me because I'd already lost my mum. That's a massive thing for a 10 year old to do.

Also, when I went back to school, my geography teacher, quite an "old" man to me then, just came up and took my hand and said it was good to have me back. The same teacher came and sat with his around me during a a school mass a few days later. Can't remember what was being said, but he was obviously looking out for me.

When I had a miscarriage someone told me to take my time and to let people look after me. Also said don't shut my husband out, he's going through it too.

Sounds simple but easy to forget when you're in the thick of it

All really lovely and powerful stuff coming through on here. Very humbling.