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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's the best thing anyone has ever said or done when you were grieving?

156 replies

Flamingo1980 · 09/10/2016 21:33

You know how people always say "I didn't know what to do/say" when someone dies - let's find out what IS helpful. You lot always come out with brilliant stuff.

When my dad died everyone just said "Hope you're okay". I found this extremely unhelpful and actually very isolating. Of course I wasn't okay - but no offer of help, only 'hope'.
The best thing anyone said came from a girl I didn't know very well who just said: "I'm so sorry about your dad, it's shit isn't it?" - I was so relieved someone had acknowledged it was shit and so let me talk about how rubbish it was. The relief!
What have you found helped?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flamingo1980 · 10/10/2016 09:20

Thank you for all of your honest responses. Really lovely not to mention interesting to read everyone's stories.
Oh yes, 'RIP' - I personally hate this term and find it really jarring and harsh.
I agree it's lovely to provide someone with food. A real show of love and that someone wants to take care of you. I'm going to do that more!

OP posts:
kiwimumof2boys · 10/10/2016 09:32

Being sent flowers on the anniversary of my DDad's death. People drift away after the first few weeks, but tht really meant the world that my dfriend had remembered the date.
As a result, when my friend's Dmum died I bought her a card and plant on the anniversary, she was really touched.

HazelBite · 10/10/2016 09:34

BooSurprise
Flowers

pregnantat50 · 10/10/2016 09:38

Well, the loveliest thing for me was when someone who worked with my dad, came up and told me what a lovely man my father was and then went on to share some stories about him that I didnt know about, we ended up laughing and remembering him in such a happy way, it was a good experience.

My mum however, said she kept everything together until a woman she knew from bowls, came up, hugged her and said "oh you poor thing"...then my mum cried and cried, and it was in the local shop, not a good experience but the lady meant well

maddiemookins16mum · 10/10/2016 09:39

After my mum died my dearest friend said to me "little steps, just take little steps. But don't stop. Even just getting up in the morning is a step, getting to work etc". I never forgot it and said the same thing to a work colleague who lost her mum very suddenly, she also told me it helped her.

fridgecake · 10/10/2016 09:40

People offering practical help. Someone saying "if there's anything I can do" is well meant but pointless really... someone saying "do you need shopping? Let me look after DC today" I found so helpful.

Also people just saying sorry. "I'm so sorry". That's all you need to say. I got so angry when people didn't acknowledge it! All they needs to say was sorry.

endofthelinefinally · 10/10/2016 09:46

My son died suddenly 6 weeks ago.
Friends who brought meals round really helped. I am only just beginning to get to a point where I can think about shopping and cooking.

Cards and letters have been comforting.

Short visits from friends really helped. Just long enough to have a cup of tea, drop some shopping off.

One of his friends brought flowers and a vase to put them in.

My other son went to a charity shop and bought a few vases - this was a great help because not having anything to put the flowers in can be stressful.

My son's friends got together and arranged the wake. I couldn't even begin to sort it out and they did a fantastic job. Practical help with arrangements is very welcome.

What not to do:
2 of DH's work colleagues (who I barely know) turned up on the evening before the funeral (which was at 10.00 the next morning) and sat for 2 hours while I was trying to sort out the final arrangements. I had to tell DH to ask them to leave or they would have sat there all night. Not helpful.

ShotsFired · 10/10/2016 09:50

I read a thing once that said, start a list of things that need doing, from hanging out the washing to going shopping - anything.

Stick it on the fridge. And when people ask if there is anything they can do, tell them to have at the list. Saves the bereaved person having to think on the spot.

Sandsnake · 10/10/2016 09:53

My five year old cousin who I was very close to died whilst I was at uni. I went back home for about two weeks, returning to uni after his funeral. When I got back into my room there was a box of chocs on my pillow, left by my three housemates (all blokes). I had felt weird about going back and leaving my family but this little gesture meant the world.

Unicorn34 · 10/10/2016 09:54

endoftheline that is really awful, am sending you a hug and Flowers as it could be any one of us....

I wanted to add to this thread that I was told it takes a year and a day for the pain to start to shift, because this is how long it is until all the anniversaries (including the death) and special events/dates, are done...

Being allowed to talk about the person is also very helpful

Sandsnake · 10/10/2016 09:55

Oh I'm so sorry endoftheline Flowers

LeatherAndLace · 10/10/2016 09:57

My friend said some horribly inappropriate jokes about my mum when she died, sounds awful but it was exactly what I needed. I hate all the soppy stuff though.

pregnantat50 · 10/10/2016 09:58

Unexpected bereavement must be so much harder. I have only lost elderly people after long illness's when there passing was almost a relief as they were out of pain.

I think the way you comfort someone really depends on the circumstances.

My best friend lost her son to a cot death when he was 3 months old, she was a single mum and phoned me just after the ambulance had taken him away. I remember the call very clearly (I was also pregnant at the time, which must have made it hard for her), she asked me to go round to her house, and I spent the night in her bed cuddling her, she woke regularly throughout the night and would cry out on remembering her son had passed, it was heart breaking, all I could offer was cuddles and my time as there were no words that would help her, she got through it and told me she needed someone to hold her and just be there so she wasnt alone.

LeatherAndLace · 10/10/2016 09:59

Also friends having my children round for playdates/sleepovers was a lifesaver.

Skala123 · 10/10/2016 09:59

whollymoses1.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/how-to-deal-with-friend-whos-mum-just.html?m=1

My friend wrote this after her mum died. I guess everyone deals with grief differently but this was her advice for people who didn't know what to say or how to help.

reader77 · 10/10/2016 10:02

This thread is so sad and so beautiful at the same time.

GinIsIn · 10/10/2016 10:06

I felt like nobody had any idea what to say to me when my dad died, and there was nothing they really could say that could make it any better anyway.

What did make me feel a bit better was that after I delivered the eulogy at his funeral, which I really wasn't sure I could do, and agonised for a very long time over, people I'd never even met before, but who loved him too, came up to me to say that my words had given them comfort. That meant an awful lot actually.

And at my wedding a few weeks later, my DH made a a speech about how much my dad had meant to him, and that was of huge comfort to all our family.

pregnantat50 · 10/10/2016 10:11

Fenella - I am not sure how long ago you lost your father, but I lost mine in 2007 and he is still very much part of my life, I visit his tree (he is buried at a woodland burial site) and talk about him all the time. When I have new situations and decisions I find myself thinking, "what would dad have told me to do"...they are in your heart always x

GinIsIn · 10/10/2016 10:16

pregnantat50 - I do exactly that as well! And about the stupidest things sometimes, but it always makes me feel like he's here. It's been nearly 2 years now, and I was doing ok but I am expecting our first DC in February and we just found out it's a boy, so I am struggling a bit now with the thought my dad won't be here to meet him.

pregnantat50 · 10/10/2016 10:23

I understand your thoughts on this, but try and think of it as your dad living on through your children , I dont know if you have any particular faith, I am in the "I dont know, but I kind of like the idea that our departed can still see us" camp.. Your son is part of his grandfather too, take comfort in that xx

MrsDeVere · 10/10/2016 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 10:24

YY to horribly inappropriate jokes - black humour has kept me going, half the time.

It must be hard to pitch right though so I wouldn't advise people use black humour unless they know the bereaved person really well and are pretty certain it will be well received.

heron98 · 10/10/2016 10:27

I don't know Violet, personally I really dislike that poem.

Dead people aren't "waiting for you" - they're gone. That's what I believe at any rate and I would not find that comforting or helpful.

Somerville · 10/10/2016 10:27

And I agree with MrsdeVere. The people who did the stuff that is hard alongside me, or did thankless, boring stuff for me are the ones that really helped.
Funnily enough they're the same people who said the least, initially at least.
People around me were either all talk and no action, or the opposite.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 10/10/2016 10:29

Thanks for this thread. I sadly will be here soon, my DF gravely ill. Flowers to all for your losses.