Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What's the best thing anyone has ever said or done when you were grieving?

156 replies

Flamingo1980 · 09/10/2016 21:33

You know how people always say "I didn't know what to do/say" when someone dies - let's find out what IS helpful. You lot always come out with brilliant stuff.

When my dad died everyone just said "Hope you're okay". I found this extremely unhelpful and actually very isolating. Of course I wasn't okay - but no offer of help, only 'hope'.
The best thing anyone said came from a girl I didn't know very well who just said: "I'm so sorry about your dad, it's shit isn't it?" - I was so relieved someone had acknowledged it was shit and so let me talk about how rubbish it was. The relief!
What have you found helped?

OP posts:
meridithssister · 09/10/2016 22:44

The best thing someone did for me was turn up with milk, tea bags, coffee and some extra mugs. She just said ' you will be needing this'. She also did the ironing while I arranged the funeral.
I just appreciated her practical support over the flowers and cards. It meant the world to me she thought about that.

Sadik · 09/10/2016 22:45

For me the Irish phrase "I'm sorry for your trouble" is helpful, it acknowledges what has happened, without pushing for a response.

2kids2dogsnosense · 09/10/2016 22:47

There are some wonderful, inspiring thoughts on here. It is hard to offer comfort sometimes, but the worst thing anyone can do is ignore a loss. There is never an easy way or a right time to lose someone you love.

Perhaps we should also have a thread of "things you should never say when someone has died" (e.g. after a miscarriage I was told "Never mind - you're young. You can have another one." I DON'T WANT ANOTHER ONE YOU INSENSITIVE COW! I WANT THIS ONE!")

englishmummyinwales · 09/10/2016 22:48

When I had a mc, most people didn't mention it directly. They either patted me gently, or just asked if I was ok. My inlaws bought me a bunch of flowers but never to this day have they ever referred to what happened. But my SIL walked in the house, hugged me and said "I'm so sorry that you've lost your baby". That was all and it was all I needed. Since then I try and directly react in the same way to anyone who has experienced a death.

ImprovingMyMH · 09/10/2016 22:49

BrewCake for those that would like them.

I think it's just important for people to say something, it doesn't really matter what. I quite like I'm sorry for your loss, then it's up to the bereaved person what they say, depending on whether they want to keep talking about it or not.

I wish DH would be okay with me talking about my Dad now. He just looks really sad and like he's feeling sorry for me if I mention him.

frikadela01 · 09/10/2016 22:50

Amongst all the hope you're okay and thinking of yous my friend just sent me a message saying "this is shit, you must be feeling awful, don't try to be ok just grieve". It really helped.
Lots of people also offer generic help but my head was all over the place so I just said no it's fine and then later thought "oh I could have done with support here" so when my friends mum died last year I was specific, do you want me to get the kids, cook some tea etc, I think she appreciated it,i hope she did.

Greenifer · 09/10/2016 22:51

A friend of mine said 'it's OK to be mad for a bit'. It was amazing. I was really grateful to be given permission to just be in the moment and howl a lot. It really helped massively. I was very unhappy and I needed to howl.

nonameavaliable · 09/10/2016 22:54

I just typed a long message and it vanished Sad

Someone once told me
" there is no time limit on grief, take all the time you need" this was around the same time other people where infering I should should getting over it by now Angry.

My lovely next door neighbour that for months mowed my grass and took my bins out without being asked.

My friends that would bring food round

The friends that still to this day send a mesaage on the important dates or near just to say a still remember and we are here for you.

The people that offered things not vague if we can do anything and then did them.

Friend that would drive by and see my lights on in the middle of the night and would go and buy milk and biscuits and come and knock.

When I lost my dh, I found things so hard. Such silly things like walking into our local on my own seemed insurmountable. One of dh friends saw me once sat outside trying to pluck up the nerve to walk in. He just came out and opened the door and came and walked in with me. After that he and his friends would do it every time.

The teenage paper boy who had heard about dh and he knew which papers / magazine where for dh when I forgot to cancel them he took it on himself to not deliver them and instead brought me a card and chocolate biscuits. He used to see me out walking my dogs and would always take the time to stop and talk to me often crossing the street to do so. Teenagers get a bad rep but he was so kind.

When I left my Angel sleeping at the hospital I walked down the steps and froze. I could move I desperately wanted to run away or run back in and couldn't do either. I heard this terrible noise someone of breaking apart. I realised it was me I was screaming, Crying, I litterally heard my own heart breaking. This total stranger put his arms around me and just hugged me. He held me as my life feel to pieces and my heart broke. I don't know what it must have taken for a man to hold a random women like that but he just hugged me, standing in the hosptial steps. I didn't know him then and I don't know him now and I never got a chance to say thank you. But whoever he was he did the kindest thing.

The window cleaner that saw my gutterings where blocked and cleaned them for me - i wasn't even on his round.

The one friend that let me be angry I mean really angry I hated dh for leaving me, I hated the man that killed him (driving under the influence) I hated the world I was so angry and other friends would try and keep me calm and say things to try and keep me calm. I would try and act calm and it was eating me up, one day this friend - normally very prim and proper. Said you know what I would be so fucking angry if I was you and I just came bubbling out like larva. I screamed and hit the table and shouted and eventually collapsed into tears but by god I felt such relief that if let it out. She was the one person that would let me be angry.

Benedikte2 · 09/10/2016 22:56

Very valuable thread, a lot to learn

loobyloo1234 · 09/10/2016 22:58

nonameavaliable I just cried reading that ... death is so so shit isn't it? Sad It could be the smallest thing and sometimes that small thing really does matter

AverysillyoldHector · 09/10/2016 23:01

I was living and working several hours drive from my Dad when he was diagnosed with cancer. He only lived for a few weeks after the diagnosis, and when he was very ill, my manager at the time said go home to him now and dont come back to work until it's all over and you feel able to.

That gave me the most precious time with my Dad that I will always treasure, and the freedom to gather myself sort of back together before returning to work. It was so very kind of him to let me take all that time.

olivesnutsandcheese · 09/10/2016 23:02

When my Dad died, I had a lot of messages and texts from friends. But one friend actually called me and said I'm sending you a hug.
It was so nice to speak to someone.

clarkeologist · 09/10/2016 23:05

This is a great thread. My uncle died yesterday and I have been worrying a bit about what to say to my auntie and cousins. I can't really remember what people said to me when mum died last year. It is a haze. I remember and have kept the cards though

autumnboys · 09/10/2016 23:06

A friend who phoned, saying 'I bought a card, but I didn't know what to write so I thought I'd phone. I still don't know what to say, but I wanted you to know how sorry I am'. My Dad had died suddenly - she was a childhood friend, so she knew him. I knew her well enough to know that she had gone far far out of her comfort zone to call me and I really appreciated it.

Time is a great healer and for me, I was able to reclaim some things that made me sad at first. We liked a lot of the same books and programmes and 11 years on, I smile when I see a book we might have lent one another, or a new series of a show we both enjoyed.

NicknameUsed · 09/10/2016 23:09

The nicest thing anyone said after my mum died (my dad had died three years earlier) was " I know how you feel, I'm an orphan as well" It was strangely comforting.

AuroraBora · 09/10/2016 23:10

I had a colleague who was not that close to me ask me regularly how my mum was after DDad died. She seemed to recognise that yes, it was shitty for me, but for my mum she had lost one of her most important people and the future she had planned and the retirement they'd have enjoyed.

It was so kind of her to ask, even weeks after it happened. Everyone else stopped mentioning it.

Experiencing grief myself has helped me a little when comforting other people, when before I wouldn't have know what to say. It's still hard though!

2kids2dogsnosense · 09/10/2016 23:13

noname

What a heart-rending post. Your pain is palpable even now. And thank heavens that you were allowed your anger. It can be a very cleansing emotion.

May I say, too - you must be a wonderful person, and so must your DH have been, to prompt such consideration and sheer affection from so very many people.

NotAMammy · 09/10/2016 23:14

When my Dad died my two best friends wrote down some stories about him in a notebook while we talked about him. His death was sudden and I was only in my mid teens. They always just accepted how I was responding at any given minute (it changed, minute by minute) which was so good at the time. In the years since, those few pages in that notebook have been a source of comfort, especially as some of the memories are fading.

Noodledoodledoo · 09/10/2016 23:16

Another one which is more of a not what to do - my sister and I had to clear my mums house. It was a weekend only job as she lived a 4 hour drive away and we took our time. It was our family home so a tough job.

The number of her friends who wanted us to 'catch up' when we went to do the clearing but refused to come into the house as it was too upsetting I got really cross about.

We had limited time and they wanted us to spend half the weekend visiting them!

spicyfajitas · 09/10/2016 23:17

What I would absolutely hate is for someone to say 'I'm sorry for your loss' or to write RIP. I would feel like punching them.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 09/10/2016 23:17

Parents were killed together 8 years ago just after twins prem birth
Anyone who acknowledged the utter horror of it and said they had " no words" " didn't know what to say " were appreciated
Anyone who guffed about them being in a "better place" or in " gods arms" ect , helped less, but I did appreciate they were grappling for the right words at a mind blowing time
I did have friend who talked at me for three hours ( about 7 days after deaths) about her v complex love life, involving coming out and an affair- makes- her sound horrible but the distraction was a divine break and it was lovely to give advice and be helpful, strangely I remember it do well and can laugh about it, sadly I dont think she did it consciously, folks eh!

DustyMaiden · 09/10/2016 23:21

My male friend.

I don't know what to say. I don't want to upset you. I don't want to make you cry but my wife said if I don't tell you I care you will think I don't and I very much do.

Thought that was sweet.

VimFuego101 · 09/10/2016 23:21

The people who took the time to write down their memories of my dad; from school friends who only met him at parents evening to his work colleagues and their stories. Too hard to read at the time but love reading them now and will read them to my son when he's old enough.

nonameavaliable · 09/10/2016 23:30

I'm so sorry I didn't mean to upset anyone.

People say that world doesn't stop turning, life goes on. They are wrong when death takes someone you love and cherish your world does stop turning, your life does stop.

2kids2dogsnosense I don't know about that, we were well liked and lucky to amazing friends and neighbours. Over 400 people turned up to dh funeral and celebration of life. They litterally spilled out into the church yard.

It's been years now (too many) and I've known joy and laughter and happiness again but still I will see something or experience something and think dh would love this and I still get that jolt of remembering he's not here. You'd think it know it by now. Time doesn't heal all wounds you just get better at stepping round the hole.

Dh was an incredible man and I know now that I am lucky to have had him in my life.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 09/10/2016 23:30

When I was 14 my cousin died suddenly, the thing that helped most was just to talk about him. I also got so many notes and things from friends (we were big note-passers in school) saying how sorry they were and doing their best to sympathise. Really helped, I was scared of that feeling going away and them getting fed up with me banging on about him, but they never did.