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Original poster

What's the best thing anyone has ever said or done when you were grieving?

156 replies

Flamingo1980 · 09/10/2016 21:33

You know how people always say "I didn't know what to do/say" when someone dies - let's find out what IS helpful. You lot always come out with brilliant stuff.

When my dad died everyone just said "Hope you're okay". I found this extremely unhelpful and actually very isolating. Of course I wasn't okay - but no offer of help, only 'hope'.
The best thing anyone said came from a girl I didn't know very well who just said: "I'm so sorry about your dad, it's shit isn't it?" - I was so relieved someone had acknowledged it was shit and so let me talk about how rubbish it was. The relief!
What have you found helped?

OP posts:
Strongarmy · 09/10/2016 22:12

For me it was a stranger on a train telling me to be kind to myself after I heard that my DF had died , buying a cup of tea and then staying with me along the journey until we reached a tube station where we parted.

Also, practical help from friends to clear clothes etc.

SabineUndine · 09/10/2016 22:12

One of the things my mum appreciated most when her sister died, and again when my dad died, was practical help. Between me and my brother, and her neighbours, she didn't have to cook, do housework or organise anything except doing the formalities for the funeral. She's not very decisive at the best of times and having someone sort out all the odds and ends just meant she could concentrate on the stuff that mattered.

BalloonSlayer · 09/10/2016 22:12

When my Dad died my vicar asked "what happened?" and so I stood there and told him all about it. It was really nice to feel free to be able to talk about it.

Sympathy cards were nice too. DH's Dad died when he was quite young and DH and his sister always send sympathy cards. When my Dad died I realised why - they are quite a comfort.

My Auntie didn't send a sympathy card but wrote a lovely letter. She said all the usual sympathy stuff and also reminded me that Dad would not have wanted to go on feeling like he was. And added a lovely bit that has stayed with me: "as Christians we know that we will all meet again, and God always keeps His promises" which I thought was just wonderful.

Heidi41 · 09/10/2016 22:12

they just let me talk and cry my heart out and they didn't try to stop me or deny my pain ....

originalmavis · 09/10/2016 22:17

I always tell people that know is its crappy, there isn't a rule book for how you should feel or act, and that I am here to talk, or not (whatever they want).

Worst I had was a talk about the whole circle of life, everyone dies, etc etc not long after mum died suddenly, and not all that long after dad died slowly (I was in my 30s). Same person who then told me that it was so much worse for them when their parents died when they were in their late 60s (so parents late 90s) - because they had had them around for much longer.

Nope, I couldn't figure that logic out either.

Hassled · 09/10/2016 22:19

A lovely letter I got from one of my mother's friends after she died said words to the effect of if you can just get through one awful day, the next one will seem just a tiny bit less awful, and so on. And I've gone back to that a lot in life. It really helped.

allegretto · 09/10/2016 22:21

When my best friend and flatmate died, I was suddenly living on my own and nobody came round to see me as they said the flat reminded them of him - I had no choice but to stay there though! A friend of a friend whom I didn't even know very well, came round a lot and asked me out to - she really saved me from a deep depression as I hadn't managed to get out in days.

Leapling · 09/10/2016 22:22

Just being there and listening. Not questioning and not reassuring everything will be ok when it won't. Just listening.

We've also had friends say let us know if we can help which is meant well. But the friend that turned up with three bags of easy to cook food was really appreciated.

The friends who are still there for us weeks down the line also make a difference. It's easy to be there in the immediate aftermath but the grief lasts far beyond that.

Noodledoodledoo · 09/10/2016 22:23

My friend let me sob my heart out in a cafe - didn't get embarrassed by those around us looking at us, just kept going and getting more and more napkins for me to wipe my face.

Not once did she try to change the subject, let me talk and talk and talk, and just supported me.

I put friends into 3 categories, 1) ignore it even happened and don't talk to her till she is over it, 2) sticking plasters - check I am ok if not try and fix it and 3) the ones like above.

Kione · 09/10/2016 22:26

I lost my mum at 26, someone said "the pain doesn't go but you get used to it"
Well I found that the excruciating pain that you feel at the start did go.
Someone also said "it gets easier, I promise" and tgat actually turned out to be more correct. It has got better with time and it hurts a lot less.
But not everyone is the same.

evelynj · 09/10/2016 22:29

What a useful thread. I'm one of the ones who is awkward & doesn't know what to say. Some great advice on here & ink spot that makes so much sense about asking specific times to take children.

I usually want to say what I loved about the person or share a memory but always worry if it's too soon or it will be more upsetting.

lifeaintblackandwhite · 09/10/2016 22:29

had just one friend who sat and listened. sounds so simple yet it meant the world to me

Imsickofnamechanging · 09/10/2016 22:29

I'm sorry to jump on the tail of this thread but a very good friend has cancer. What can I do to just make her happy? We live a bit far away from each other so I can't help her with her kids.

Kione · 09/10/2016 22:30

Inkspot Flowers

Perpetualstateofchaos · 09/10/2016 22:33

After my dbs sudden death a poster on here who I was close to organised and asda shop for me and my ds. I found it so thoughtful as I wasn't even thinking about eating myselfor never mind shopping. I also had friends offering to look after ds so I could look for flowers and attend his memorial event without worrying and childcare.

ayeokthen · 09/10/2016 22:33

When my closest friend died suddenly, another friend had a candle holder made with my friend's name on it "because she mattered" and just gave me a cuddle and said "whatever you need from me, you have it." The acknowledgment that my friend had mattered, and the care she showed me really touched me.

kerryob · 09/10/2016 22:34

When I lost my nan a relative said grief is selfish, I wanted to hit them! I just lost the woman I saw as my mum & I was fuming that they thought I shouldn't be sad as it was a happy release for her! Telling someone they had a good innings or that crap does not help!

My DH was good at just letting me cry and he would joke are you being selfish again & give me hug. It made me laugh & it became our code word so I didn't have to say I was low he knew how I was feeling & he wasn't uncomfortable with me crying so I felt ok to cry. He also made me laugh which I needed as well, even dark times it's ok to laugh as well.

My uncle passed away very recently at a young age & my cousin said he felt he couldn't cry in front of his children as a man shouldn't. I told him it was ok for him to cry & to cry in front of them so they know it's ok. There is no shame in crying & it's important to allow yourself to grieve.

LeftRightUpDown · 09/10/2016 22:35

I think it was people acknowledging that he'd gone.

One friend said when her dad died shw would be walking along and everyone would be going about their normal day to day lives......and she just wanted to scream at them that her Dad had died and it wasn't a normal day for her.

I really felt like that.

LeftRightUpDown · 09/10/2016 22:38

Worse thing I ever heard was to a friend of mine. Her mum was terminally ill and only had matter of weeks. She went to her manager and said she wasn't coping and could she go home. Her manager said that she should be at work......

....she walked out and didn't return until her mum had died.

spicyfajitas · 09/10/2016 22:39

The best I had was a friend who phoned and texted frequently. Risked putting their foot in it ( and did so frequently) but I was so grateful they hung in there with me.

queenofthepirates · 09/10/2016 22:39

'Cmon Queenie, let's get clapping'-My stepbrother, with a wink, at my Dad's funeral when we realised that every hymn Dad had chosen required clapping (not my style of worship). It made me smile on what was the second worst day of my life after the actual passing.

And the friend who just launched himself at me as soon as he heard of my Dad's death, and gave me the longest, most welcome hug of my life. He said nothing, just hugged me whilst I sobbed.

PinkyOfPie · 09/10/2016 22:40

When my dad died I felt that it helped when people didn't try and fill silences. Sometimes I just didn't feel like talking

spicyfajitas · 09/10/2016 22:40

Another friend took me back to her house, put a movie on so I didn't have to talk if I didn't want to and just made sure I didn't feel alone.

Strokethefurrywall · 09/10/2016 22:42

When DBro decided not to continue with chemo and we knew he was going to die. I called for my friend who I work with and whispered that 2012 was going to be the worst year of my life.
She just held me and said "yes. It's going to be awful. But we are here every step of the way."
Having someone acknowledge that it was going to be shit really helped me come to terms with the fact that we'd lose him.

Neoncheerio · 09/10/2016 22:42

A friend visited me in hospital after I had a mc and she asked me if I thought of the baby as a boy or girl and what his name was. And she always calls him by his name when we talk about it. Nobody else asked if he had a name.