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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A minor celeb came on to me inappropriately should I report?

382 replies

Iggypoppie · 09/10/2016 14:40

Got a bit of a dilemma.

After watching the jammy Saville doc last week I remembered that earlier this year a current v minor TV presenter several times touched my leg at a charity dinner. It was in a busy room and I was too shocked/confused to ask him to stop! I had only just met him and was three months pregnant so wasn't flirting and I believe his behaviour was sleazy if not predatory.

This person has already been reprimanded for inappropriate behaviour at work in the past so I believe he has form.

My question is, should I tell his employer even though he wasn't attending in a work capacity? Or should I just email him and say that I am on to him?

I don't want a fuss by the way and it was possible that he was just being "friendly" Hmm but it occurred to me that Saville got away so long because of women minimising incidents like this one.

OP posts:
andintothefire · 09/10/2016 18:01

Even if you decide not to report it, I think that he was completely inappropriate. I do actually see parallels with the recent revelations about various men with a "celebrity" status (Savile, Donald Trump) who somehow think that normal standards of behaviour don't apply to them. They use that power to abuse women in a way that is sexually abusive and intimidating.

If it were a work situation I would report it to his employers. However I think that there is little the police would do in a more social context.

And for those of you suggesting that a touch on the leg is nothing much, I don't think you have any idea how upsetting and intimidating it can be. A stranger did it to me on a train when I was about 20, and it affected me hugely afterwards. I still find it difficult to talk about.

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:02

(((((hugs))))) OP. if i knew how to work the send flowers icon i would. what you went through was nasty and i'm shocked by some of the responses you are getting here

it isn't like Savile? actually, it is very like Savile. most of his victims were teenagers not children and teenagers can be very bolshy and assertive. some of them were raped and that is tragic, but many of them reported being lured into caravans and fondled. fondling isn't rape. it is nasty but doesn't leave scars. not on a 15 year old, or a 5 year old, nor even a 55 year old.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 18:07

If everybody reported every man that came onto them, or gave unwanted attention to the police, they'd be inundated and have no time to deal with crimes.

This was not an assault.
This was not abuse.

Let's keep things in perspective.

ViolettaValery · 09/10/2016 18:08

If everybody reported every man that came onto them, or gave unwanted attention to the police, they'd be inundated and have no time to deal with crimes.

This is very, very sad to read.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 18:09

The man sounds sleazy and slimy, but I think sending an email now, would cause you some emotional distress beyond what you feel now.

SandyY2K · 09/10/2016 18:09

This is very, very sad to read.

But true.

Lweji · 09/10/2016 18:10

I suggested the police as a possible alternative, because emailing him is likely to achieve nothing, and work won't feel responsible if this was not in a work context.

So, other than going to the DM with a sad face, you have a choice between doing nothing or reporting it to the police (mostly just in case it's a pattern for him and so that there will be a complaint to refer back).
Sadly, the way the law is and society is (as seen on the thread), nothing is likely to happen.

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:11

when i was 14 a stranger fondled my private parts over my clothes. it lasted 20 mins and he kept trying to put his finger up me. i was a shy kid and i froze in shock. i had a bad relationship with my father and never liked him hugging me because he was verbally and physically abusive but i couldn't tell him that.

a year after this thing happened my dad laid into me about why i wouldnt spend time with him. i didn't want him to know i was scared of him so i told about the stranger touching me. he was furious and yelled at me "that isn't abuse!!!! tell the police and they will laugh at you!"

well i never reported it. but i was going through some teenage angst a couple years later and didn't feel able to ask l for CAMHS referral. so i told a private counsellor i had been "molested" at age 14. i ended up getting weeks of counselling. i shouldn't have called it abuse, but i needed help and i thought it would help.

some years later i was seriously depressed again, had a breakdown and was struggling to access counselling. i had psychiatric treatment but no counselling, which was what i needed. so i went to an incest survivors group and told about my "abuse." i shouldn't have done it but calling it abuse gave me the help i needed until i was able to have someone to support me long term. it turned out all my issues were a mental health disorder and i got the assessment and treatment i needed to manage the condition. but in the mean time without counselling i would have fallen apart. i manatin that i am an abuse survivor. if that offends people then so be it

ViolettaValery · 09/10/2016 18:12

This is the Sexual Offences Act 2003, s 3:

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/3

I just don't know what else to say to you, SandyY2K. This IS potentially a crime. It has been so for over a decade. Your minimising is awful.

Lweji · 09/10/2016 18:13

If everybody reported every man that came onto them, or gave unwanted attention to the police, they'd be inundated and have no time to deal with crimes.

Or maybe the police would have to get more people to deal with sex related cases, and sleaze bags would start thinking twice before pushing boundaries.
They know women won't report it and nobody will care. Sad

MorrisZapp · 09/10/2016 18:14

Lweji, what would you like the police to do about this, ideally?

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:14

what i am saying is the OP has the right to call it abuse if she wants. and compare it to Savile. she is someone who actually experienced it, so it is up to her.

Lweji · 09/10/2016 18:16

Lweji, what would you like the police to do about this, ideally?
Like I said earlier, it should warrant a caution. Imagine all women he tried it on reporting him.

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:18

andintothefire ((((hugs)))) to you too. i'm sorry, i was being presumptuous perhaps to say that being touched doesn't affect people- i didn't mean any offence. just because i reacted differently to it doesn't make your experience any less valid

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:21

i find it interesting that those who criticise OP are getting so upset. how does OP comparing it to Savile affect YOU????

eggyface · 09/10/2016 18:23

Yanbu. Shocked at the minimising rape-culture-apologists on this thread saying you should put up and shut up, or that it's your fault for not responding differently.

Even Savile starts somewhere. And he DID have authority. The authority of the most famous and important person there who must be placate. We all know what that would feel like to be sat next to the important guy at a dinner.

Email his employers, give them the story and say you hope it will work as character corroboration if another junior person complains.

instantly · 09/10/2016 18:26

Given that the OP wasn't raped, what does rape apologism have to do with this thread?

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:28

Instantly, most of Savile's accusers weren't raped either. just groped a bit. still should not have happened.

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:30

if those who were groped by Savile hadn't spoken up, the 9 year old he abused might not have come forward. good on those women. they could have shrugged it off and not bothered saying anything . but they did and they did the right thing

instantly · 09/10/2016 18:31

Savile fucked dead people and groped kids. It isn't in the same league.

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:31

if OP reports it she may prevent someone from getting raped

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:32

groping kids and groping adults is no different.

justagirl844 · 09/10/2016 18:32

all men who grope without consent are sleazebags

NerrSnerr · 09/10/2016 18:32

He is clearly a sleazy dickhead but I don't think the police will do anything as what will the conversation go like 'he kept touching my leg', 'did you tell him you didn't like it or to stop?', 'well, no'.

wombattoo · 09/10/2016 18:33

Violetta in the link you posted, the criteria is that 'A' must have a sexual intent - OP stated that it may have just been in a friendly way so doesn't sound like sexual motives (we would need to know more about it) and 'A' must know that 'B' objects - OP never gave any indication that she objected.

I fully understand that people can freeze in such situations and I fully agree that no person should be subjected to any unwanted physical contact, but I doubt that the circumstances here would meet the threshold for Sexual Assault.

OP I don't think there would be much to gain in sending him an email or even reporting to his employer Thanks

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