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Original poster

To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

363 replies

Desolee · 09/10/2016 13:15

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

OP posts:
TaterTots · 09/10/2016 18:41

Whereas you're coming across as maturity personified...

PNGirl · 09/10/2016 18:47

Are you genuinely not seeing that him having to wait around for DD, as a consequence of you working late due to your trip, means he was more likely to be feeling resentful? You can't say it's unprecedented as if that's a reason why it shouldn't have bothered him. If anything it's probably the opposite.

I'm completely not condoning his attitude because it stinks, but I do think it explains why he prevented you from having something nice done for you by your DD. I don't know what the answer is though.

DownTownAbbey · 09/10/2016 18:50

If he doesn't know your attitude to birthdays after 21 plus years and your Dd's after 14 years there's no hope for him. From your later updates it looks like he's annoyed at having to put himself out doing boring wifey work as pps have said. His attitude to you - deliberately punishing you by not even saying 'happy birthday ' is appalling but the way he treated DD is even worse. Ok he may have been a temporary arse but this looking for trouble/reasons to be unreasonable should be monitored. If he continues to be so selfish and unpleasant you may need to consider whether your marriage is on a downward path. Cake

ScaredFuture99 · 09/10/2016 18:54

Because it's the OP's role and never the one of her father to take her to rehearsal???
Because it's OK for her father to be resentful to do some parenting and take her to her activities?
And it's also normal for the OP to have the sole responsibility for that, because ... She as a uterus and he doesn't?

Wow just wow....

DoinItFine · 09/10/2016 18:54

Are you genuinely not seeing that him having to wait around for DD, as a consequence of you working late due to your trip, means he was more likely to be feeling resentful?

Seeing that only makes him look like the world's biggest cunt, shittest Dad, and most uncaring husband.

I think she's starting to see it, but still looking for other excuses.

GabsAlot · 09/10/2016 18:56

so its ok for him to get annoye that just once he hs to take dd somewhere?

pathetic

sandragreen · 09/10/2016 18:58

DH sounds like a total wankbadger to me. Sad

PNGirl · 09/10/2016 18:59

Where did I say it's ok?

PNGirl · 09/10/2016 19:02

I just think it's easier to call someone on their behaviour if you can understand their (pathetic abd unjustified) reasons for it. If asked "Why did you ignore my birthday?" he's not actually going to admit to it being about doing domestic tasks, is he? Whereas if she asks him if he was pissed off about the rehearsal there's a chance of a more honest discussion.

littlemissangrypants · 09/10/2016 19:02

It's weird how this whole situation has been turned in to the poor husband being resentful and the 20 year old son not having his mum drive his car up to uni for him. I'm still horrified that the 14 year old was made to go to bed without food. I might be seeing this badly as my own mother starved me but I find it shocking how most people are so blase about the lack of food before bed. If my partner ever made my children go without food I would leave that day.
I have been a hungry child. I ate out of bins I was so hungry. I'm sure the girl is fine now but I would never forgive having to go hungry. My mother is dead now and I have still not forgiven her for having me starve and eat out of bins.

nicenewdusters · 09/10/2016 19:05

Do you like your dh OP?

Like lots of pp's have said I think he was/is "punishing" you for having the audacity to go away for your job for a few days. As a result he had to do "women's work". He had to take your dd somewhere that he didn't benefit from. He had to go to a supermarket, where he managed to buy only one thing. What, he couldn't think of one other thing that it might have been handy to get in your absence? Then, instead of being at home in your apron, fresh-faced, ready to welcome him back, you had the nerve to fall asleep.

Then, to top it off, he had to witness your dd wanting to acknowledge your birthday, something he had decided not to do. Why should he, you'd abandoned him, so in his eyes you should be crying in the spare room.

Also agree with others that the onus is not on you to sit down for an adult chat.

PNGirl · 09/10/2016 19:05

I would then hope any discussion ended with the OP saying "Tough shit, we both work and they're your children too".

3luckystars · 09/10/2016 19:08

Are you happy with your life? It sounds really really REALLY stressful and busy. Do you miss each other when apart? Do you even get time to think?

Maybe writing it down has helped, it often does. So leaving all the red herrings out:
He didn't buy you a birthday present, didn't get you a cake, and didn't even wish you happy birthday. He has not been very nice to you since.

When you are both back in the same country, and same house, could you just say " I was really hurt and I felt you made no effort with my birthday, but I love you so let's sort it out"

nicenewdusters · 09/10/2016 19:11

littlemiss - totally agree with you. That's fucking awful what your mother did, no wonder you haven't forgiven her actions.

3luckystars · 09/10/2016 19:12

I also meant to add that you seem to be more upset that he upset your daughter, not you. You are equal to your daughter and everyone else and should not be trampled on.

Gabilan · 09/10/2016 19:13

We are unusual in that we had our DC straight from university. Looking after DD was virtually unprecedented though - he really is not asked to do a lot. I rarely travel more than overnight for work and he is away most of the time - works away a minimum of 3 days every week and has big blocks of time overseas

So you married young (relatively) and had kids straight away? Sounds like you're now growing apart. And it also sounds as if the family is dictated by what the men want. I think OP you've been socialised into a passive form of communication. Why is this? Your husband has been an arse. You are allowed to tell him he's been an arse. I'm not trying to blame you or put the responsibility for this on you. I'm saying you are allowed to communicate positively by telling people when you're not happy, rather than the rather passive form of avoidance you're currently in.

And if that means packing up and leaving, so be it. He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

motherinferior · 09/10/2016 19:14

I would not be feeling much like saying "I love you," I have to say.

midlifehope · 09/10/2016 19:26

You sound like hard work to me. It was more that your work trip clashed with your birthday - and your DH was busy holding the reins - taking DD to rehearsals etc. You said your DD was organising cakes - so what happened to that? Yes it would have been nice - but it was more a case of you all being ships passing in the night. Shame to get stressed about it all. Just write it off as due to bad logistics... and have a 'late' birthday - you could have gone to see DS and had a cake and little ritual there for instance?

WinchesterWoman · 09/10/2016 19:28

Just popping back to say you aren't hard work. Your DH is a knob.

nellieellie · 09/10/2016 19:39

I'm gobsmacked by some of the responses here. Not a big deal! If my DH ignored my birthday, and treated my DD like this, I'd be extremely upset. It shows lack of respect, lack of consideration and regard. Your husband or partner should be the person to make you feel special and loved. I have a far from perfect relationship, but even after 26 years if my husband ignored my birthday, I'd be devastated. I'd never ignore his either. Am so sorry, he seems like a total heel.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/10/2016 19:39

DD didn't actually want to hand over the presents/cake she had organised on another day as they'd become just stuff by the next night and were an unwanted reminder of what had turned out to be a horrible day

He does sound like he acted a bit of a tool in this situation but I'll be honest; I don't think you're doing your dd any favours by allowing her to be so ridiculously dramatic.

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't give you the stuff because it was "ruined". She wants to move out.

If there's a backstory then I apologise but based on what you've said...she's not 4! Really, it's all a bit OTT.

DoinItFine · 09/10/2016 19:46

Indeed, she's not 4.

So ordering her to bed before she can wish her mother a happy birthday is bordering on the abusive end of controlling.

Poptart27 · 09/10/2016 19:47

Happy Birthday OP. Smile

midlifehope · 09/10/2016 19:49

I agree he was punishing you and he's a total and utter twat - but equally - you need to hold back on the dramatics - and to reconstruct the situation with DD - accept what she had for you etc...

Waltermittythesequel · 09/10/2016 19:55

Doin ordering her to bed is not abusive, ffs.

Talk about diminishing actual abuse.

OP already stated that DD was perfectly capable of feeing herself, but wouldn't have to spite her dad.

As I said in my post, if there's a massive backstory then that changes in. But 8 pages in and OP hasn't really given an indication of whether this is usual behaviour for your dh so I'm assuming it's not.

I don't think she should be encouraging her dd's dramatics in this.

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