To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

If he doesn't normally have to ferry DD about and this was the first time he had to deal with the logistics of sorting her out for rehearsal 30 minutes away this may be the root of why he acted that way to both you and her. He is the one sulking!

I don't want to be offensive OP but reading your post at 16.30 was like the description of a slightly stuffy 1950s office. Everyone is terribly busy, there are schedules, deadlines, all the occupants are quite stiff and formal with one another. Where is the spontaneity, the laughter? Why does a regular birthday have to be planned, by your dd or anyone else, like a meeting or conference? Why were presents and a cake days in the preparation? Is the general feeling that a bunch of flowers, card and token present is not enough?

Shoot me down if I'm wrong but are you one of those families where it all (has) to look shiny on the outside? Whizzy jobs, band practice, hobbies, busy, busy, busy. What's the point if your dh can't remember/be arsed/doesn't want to wish his wife a happy birthday? You were in the same country, the same house, he didn't have to schedule it.

but isn't generally actively cruel, just a bit useless.

This might make me reconsider that opinion.

Sitting with the OH, telling him in an assertive voice that he's hurt the OP, and give him a chance to explain his behaviour, while confronting him, it's hardly going cap in hand.

sounds like a lazy shite

you work 60 hours and do all th household stuff

doesnt sound equal in any sense

OP, is your DH the type that has difficulty admitting he was wrong?

I'm wondering if he saw you'd gone to sleep and got all angry that you had decided to ignore whatever had been planned for your birthday. So he was all ready to be the hurt party. When he then found out that you were unhappy, the most he could say was 'crossed wires' and then tried to push it back on you by making it your fault, which he couldn't do any more for the sleeping but decided he could for the sulking?

Does that sound possible?

Not sure where to go from that, as I have endless arguments with my DH that it's okay to admit you misunderstood and then acted on that, and apologising instead of defending your misunderstanding to the hilt is the appropriate reaction. But maybe try approaching a talk from that viewpoint?

Desiree, you poor love, I hear you.
Your Husband is bang out of order, how cruel is he.
As for not going to see your Son, he's quite capable of coming over to collect his own car. I really feel for you and your daughter. Make sure that you make up for lost time, do something spectacular together, push the boat out OP ! When is it your Husbands birthday, just saying ...
Late presents 💐💅🏻👙👗👠💄👜💍🍰🍷🍷🍷🍾😄

He already knows he's hurt his wife.

His "chance" to explian or apologise is every minute since he realised.

"Sitting him down" for a big explanation rather than letting him make the next move is absolutely going cap in hand.

Why are women always being told to sit men down for calm explanations of the bleeding obvious?

What a waste of their energy.

Men can arrange their own times to sit down if they are that bothered.

Desolee (autocorrect)

It sounds like he was angry with you for being away for 10 days on a work trip and leaving him to deal with house & DD.

'Roughly' waking you up indicates a very angry man.

I have to say I'm a bit at loss there.
You were coming back from a trip with a big time difference. It was obvious that you would have been tired no unable to stay up late that night.
Your dd thought about a cake and present etc... Put some effort into it but somehow this hasn't been acknowledged or organised by your DH.

From what you say about his behaviour when you aren't here (no washing done, no shopping etc etc), I suspect this guy is just completely unable to do anything on his own that is linked with 'home and parenting'. Unable or maybe just plainly unwilling.

So YANBU to be upset but I suspect that he will do the same next year if you aren't around. It's just not his problem.

As for your ds and his car... How is it that, if you are not going, then he can't be going either?? Did he do that out of spite because he could feel the issue was yu not spending a day in the car with him?

YY about him being angry at being left on his own to look after his own dd.
His whole attitude tha night (from the waking up roughly to just 'sending his dd to bed') is about him and the fact he was unhappy that you had 'eft' him.

He was utterly selfish and insensitive. I would try to speak to him at some point.

If this is typical of his behaviour then I would seriously be looking at my options.

He should have wished you HB but other than that You sound a bit self centred and sulky tbh
Your schedule sounds like the biggest impediment to celebration. Why didn't you suggest doing something the day you were all supposed to be together as a family?(before you shirked it becahse you were feeljng sorry for yourself)
If you want to celebrate your birthday, Celebrate! And stop whinging / taking it out on kids

tatertots why have you made this thread about you and your experiences of being a teenager?

I haven't - I've posted my view on an element of this story. No one is being forced to engage with me or comment.

And I think you mean 'unprovoked' rather than 'unprecedented'.

I get the feeling he resented you being away and resented that your DD wanted to make a fuss of you and took it out on her, which makes him a prize cock, in my book. Your birthday aside, he deserves a bollocking for treating his teenage daughter like that. He sent her to bed to spoil things and to put himself in control of the dynamics in your house. Is he usually such a twat? I'd be asking for a grovelling apology to you and your DD and exemplary behaviour from him for the next six months.

"I organise everything domestically, but it's not particularly easy at the moment as my job is not a little part time type role and I tend to work around 60 hrs a week too. He's not good at taking responsibility for stuff outside work, but isn't generally actively cruel, just a bit useless."

Do you think he resents the amount of time you're spending at work which necessitates him having to step in and do some of the things he sees as a wife's work? Perhaps his colleagues all have SAHM wives who look after all the domestic details? Perhaps he's feeling very put upon. I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour if that's the case, just looking for an explanation.

You sound exhausted and burnt out.

With such busy schedules, why not reschedule the celebrations for the weekend? So that your DD and anyone else willing can actually wish you a happy birthday before 10pm?

Relationship-wise this seems to be the top of the iceberg - you're quite deeply upset and it can't just reflect what happened on your birthday. But you need to be in a good state of mind, and have enough spare time on your hands, to be dealing with serious issues. I can't see how you can do it effectively alongside a 60hrs a week job.

Still doing it, tater. Me, me, me.

His colleagues do mostly have SAHM wives and far younger children. We are unusual in that we had our DC straight from university. Looking after DD was virtually unprecedented though - he really is not asked to do a lot. I rarely travel more than overnight for work and he is away most of the time - works away a minimum of 3 days every week and has big blocks of time overseas.

I've often rescheduled our birthday plans - in advance and with the agreement of the birthday person so no expectations are spoilt. He apparently didn't want to do this as he had other plans for this weekend. He consequently let DD sort out a cake etc for Tuesday and then refused to let her give it to me. Every time I think of her busily making her little plans and then him spoiling them for her I find this harder to move past.

You don't have to move past your DH's behaviour, it's your choice, but you can still move past being bitter and enable your daughter to give you presents on a different day by saying that you were tired on your birthday but on such-and-such day you won't be, so how about you celebrate together then?

There should be some hope for the future!

You both sound very childish to be honest

I don't think birthdays are important but if someone else thinks their birthday is important then I would never ignore it and I certainly wouldn't upset a child who wanted to celebrate her mum's birthday like that.