To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

I think your husband sounds a thoroughly nasty twat. I hate this attitude towards birthdays on MN as well, it's pretty sad if you can't have one day in a year when you can expect to be treated in a special way by those close to you.

I don't deny birthdays are a special day. I'm just not sure when the H was meant to have made time to celebrate it.

OP woke up early - she left the house at 7am. I'm not at my best at that time, so even if it had been DH's birthday I'm not sure how graceful I'd be at that time of the morning.

Then OP worked late, meaning that the H had to take the DD to her activity. He had offered to get in a takeaway but that had been rejected by OP. I guess in his situation I probably would have phoned OP whilst DD was at her drama class to see what she wanted to do, or indeed when he went to the supermarket with DD.

I'm not sure that I would wake someone who was asleep with jetlag either to do a whole birthday thing, personally I would have thought it was kinder to let them sleep.

So on the OPs birthday the DH only had the opportunity to celebrate it from 6-7am or from 10pm onwards ( with a jetlagged birthday person).

So I'm massively on the fence based on this incident alone.

So is the bigger issue his inability to accept that he might get it wrong sometimes? You say you always have to shrug and move on. I'm all for that as a strategy on some occasions, keeping an eye on the bigger picture, (and actually suggested it further down thread) but if it is always one sided then that's an issue.

I actually still think that letting this particular incident go without further comment or discussion might be a good tactical idea. It puts you in control of the dynamic. Even if you subsequently decide there are too many issues within your marriage to continue, I think that is a decision better made in the cold light of day. If you are being accused of sulking, then any future decision will be seen as reactive. Boohoo, Desolee wants to leave me because she didn't get a present. Don't hand him that opportunity.

Do you think some form of individual counselling might help you to put your thoughts in order and identify what some of the dynamic might be, and therefore help you to address it?

Beryl I think it's a bit weird to say a woman should get counselling to better cope with her dickarse of a husband.

Rookie, I don't think it takes all that long to utter the words 'Happy birthday - shall we do something nice when we are next all together. Here's a card and some chocs'.

I agree youthecat - but it's all about interpretation. The H tried to do that with the offer of takeaway the night before I think it was, but was rebuffed by the OP for suggesting the wrong type of food.

But surely you'd wish your partner a happy birthday first? And then ask what they would like to do, what with it being their birthday and not his.

Well, why didn't he suggest something else then? It's quite a normal sort of exchange:

Shall I pick up something from the Indian restaurant?

I've just come back from Mumbai so no, I'd like a change!

Option 1: Oh, yes, take your point. Don't worry, I'll sort something else out. What about...?

Option 2: well I tried and now I'm just going to huff and sort out nothing...

Most people would go for option 1.

How old are you, 12?
I couldn't care less about my own birthday. You are acting like a spoilt brat!!!

Unicorn, this wasn't about your birthday. Do you realise that most adults do like some small acknowledgement of their birthday? Did you not reach that developmental milestone? The one where you achieve empathy?

I doubt anyone cares about your birthday or doing anything nice for you either Unicorn if you speak to them like that in real life. I bet you don't though do you? Just on anonymous forums.

Nicki

Good point, well made.

The whole situation is odd. Was it really necessary for the dd to go to a rehearsal the day after her mother got back from a 10 day trip and had a birthday the dd, we are told, wanted to celebrate with her? Why didn't the dd say happy birthday in the morning before her mother went to work? Did the OP tell her dh she was going to be home late? Did the OP forget about her dd's rehearsal and therefore not feel the need to be home on time? Why was there such a desperate need to buy the dd's special cordial drink? Why did nobody apparently communicate with anyone else at all on the day of the actual birthday? It's hard to plan anything if nobody knows where anyone else is going to be at any particular time. Yes, the dh should have apologised for upsetting his DW on her birthday, but the family set up seems exceptionally uncoordinated, stressful, harassed and uncommunicative. Sounds like both parents are knackered and grumpy.

I didn't think it was a 'good point, well made', it was a jibe in response to an opinion that was also a bit of a jibe and both were unnecessary.

Posters have had different opinions about how the OP has dealt with this, responded to her husband, assessed their/his/her workload and worklife balance and they've posted accordingly. We all post according to our own experiences and references and pick out bits that resonate but nobody but the OP knows what the true picture is.

... and I agree with roundaboutthetown, whoever's 'job' it is to make the first move, it needs to be made by somebody and it doesn't really matter who makes it. Whoever's still sulking about this event from a week ago needs to consider the implications to the family and whether escalation is really the desirable outcome.

Both parents sound completely overstretched and stressed out with too much on their plates. Some time for them together to reassess and re-evaluate could be good.

Lying

And I don't want to start a tit-for-tat with you, but am I not allowed to agree that what Unicorn said was rude?

I haven't read the full thread but if you are reading op I hope you forget his birthday next time.

Happy birthday OP. I would agree with PPs and set something up with you and DD for your birthday. She's obviously quite upset about it.

And please don't make him anymore coffees in the morning he can make it himself until he apologises.

Lying

Perhaps if you have a problem with other people's unnecessary jibes you should address that to them, instead of coming on and telling me off for agreeing with one of them. Oh and in a PA way that doesn't mention me by name

YANBU to feel upset because it sounds like you had an unpleasant birthday but YABU to string it out for over a week to the extent that your daughter wants to move out and you pulled out of a visit to your son (albeit a visit where you were doing your son a favour he could easily have done himself, though he asked and you agreed), because you did not want to be on a long journey with your DH. Your husband was thoughtless at best and should definitely have wished you happy birthday and bought you a present and card, though I am confused as to your expectations considering that you were jetlagged, he had asked you the night before if you wanted a takeaway which you declined, and did not suggest an alternative, you were up and out of the house before 7am, and he was out for the whole evening acting as a taxi driver to your daughter (who, btw supposedly loves birthdays, but had no compunction in spending your entire birthday evening elsewhere), and even if he hadn't gone to the supermarket after the rehearsal, you expected him back by 9, which is very late to do anything, and he had to leave the next morning at 5am! I also think you have been using the feelings and emotions of your melodramatic 14 yo daughter to validate your own.
I hope you can get this sorted, the longer you leave it to fester, the more difficult it becomes.

I just disagreed with your post as I did Nicki's, get over it Yoda and kindly stop telling me how to post.

Oh the irony

Back to the OP.

hopelesslycynical makes really pertinent points. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it will be to get past it. I know that quite a few posters have countenanced and almost rubber-stamped the suggestions of OP's daughter that she and her mother should move out. If the situation really is that tenuous then OP and her husband really do need to work out the way forward from here, and as soon as possible.

Thanks notyoda . People are of course free to interpret posts however they wish. If lying feels that Unicorn should be permitted to call nasty names and be quite so attacking alongside giving her opinion, then of course she is entitled to do so. I personally could care very little for Lying's opinion or abrasive posting style either so it is all square really.

I think if a person is a parent then they should prioritise their children's wellbeing over their own. Not to the extent of risking one's health or sanity of course but certainly prioritising basic necessities such as food, shelter emotional security over whether or not the adult parents 'feel special' enough.

I wouldn't not feed a pet because it was my birthday. So if you truly love your child and care about her then you should make sure she at least eats especially if she'd been out late at a rehearsal.

It is acceptable to feel grumpy while doing it and complain about not having had your birthday acknowledged/celebrated and it would have been fine to defer your birthday to the next day as a one-off so you could celebrate it properly when you all had a full day to get it right.

But in my world it is totally unacceptable to treat a teenager as if she is a chore to be ignored when you get a moody on.

Nobody deserves a birthday celebration. Birthday celebrations are happy things that happen when everything else is working properly. If you have crap relationships in a family what is the point of faking everything is ok for one day a year?

Better to work on all the things going terribly wrong on all the other days of the year. I suggest family therapy to try to get to the bottom of why you are all so miserable and unhappy together. That would be the best birthday gift you could give yourself and your family.