To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

My god, everyone seems to have really doubled down and committed to making the worst out of some kind of a fuck up borne from working too much and talking too little.

Yeah.

I would love to know what the DH actually said to the DD about going to bed/no dinner etc. He tells the OP she's gone to bed - the OP fell asleep at 10pm and the DD is 14 on a schoolnight, so it's quite possible he thought, "Jesus, look at the time, we'll all be knackered", told DD to get upstairs because it was too late for birthday stuff/Mum is out for the count, forgetting DD hadn't eaten, then tried to get the OP to bed, having to wake her quite hard because she was so exhausted. I could easily see my husband doing all this with the best intentions, and he's not useless. Come the morning, angst is everywhere and nobody handles it well.

The DH could, of course, just be a prick who barked at DD to get to bed with no dinner. There's so much hysteria from everyone going on though - DD's sobbing over it just being 'stuff' the next day (did OP tell her that was bollocks and let's celebrate now?), DH telling the DS they 'can't be bothered' to visit him now - that I wonder how accurate the DD's version really was.

OP says herself that the birthday person has NEVER previously made tea in their house (and it's gone bloody 10pm, who's eating tea?). So this clearly doesn't happen every year.

The whole thing sounds like one big fuck-up from overwork, hysterics, and drama to me.

Nicki, no need to be petulant and that's not what I said at all. I didn't agree with Unicorn's post either. I quite often do agree with yours, regardless of how little you think of mine.

Winchester I don't think it is weird to suggest counselling at all. There appears to be a very dysfunctional dynamic within the family, along with poor communication, a level of emotional control, quite a bit of high drama, and dragging a 14 yo into adult disagreements. This sounds like a really toxic environment, and it could be as a result of crossed wires, people working long hours, or, as you say, just down to dickish behaviour.

Discussing that with someone outside of the family to better understand what is going on could be extremely useful. The outcome may be that OP can identify things she could change to improve the situation, she might identify behaviours of her DH that are problematic, and work out constructive ways of discussing them with him, or she might decide that there are deeper rooted issues with her DH and decide that she wants to leave the marriage.

Sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing. Ok so he didn't wish you happy birthday but you have been away and he's been busy working, doing lifts and getting up early. He works hard and is there for your family. Maybe he's just tired. I'd cut him some slack. Get it all in perspective and try to arrange some quality time for you both to spend together alone. Why your daughter couldn't have had dinner earlier or grabbed a snack by herself if she's 14 would have been practical. Even if was just some toast or a bowl of cereal or some fruit! Sounds like you have a lovely family. I hope you all sort things out.

Why on earth would I be "petulant"?

That could only be the case if your opinion meant anything to me and as I said....well just read my previous post.

OP you have a right to feel the way your do. It sounds like your failed birthday was a result of very busy schedules, tiredness and frayed nerves. That said, your DH is being unkind and passive aggressive towards you by dismissing your feelings as sulking. I think his unkindness this is the real underlying issue.

The best relationship advice I ever received was to always try to be kind to each other, in some ways empathy and kindness matter more than love and romance. All relationships have ups and downs, it sounds like you are having a down in your relationship right now. You both sound very busy with work and parenting, stress and exhaustion certainly don't help. I feel sorry for your dd as well, it sounds like she is upset by the way your birthday was ignored :( Basically your DH is being a bit of dick right now, I hope he snaps out of it and makes it up to you and your DD.

I am not reading 15 pages worth of replies on this thread but if it was me, I'd be upset my husband forgot my birthday, i'd be even more upset with his treatment of daughter.

You should have gone to see your son if that was what was arranged but I don't get why as an adult he couldn't have come to visit his parents and get his own car as an adult instead of expecting his parents to run around after him.

It sounds like you and your husband need to sit down and have a good long conversation about everything, sometimes things get brushed under the carpet and these things stew and eventually it's a little thing that erupts the whole load. Good communication is the key to the success of a relationship.

Hope he apologises to you OP.

Fair enough, Nicki, I'm quite happy to have an honest non-agreement about a post but also happy to leave it there rather than cause you offence. I'm sorry that you think my posts are abrasive.

I'm seriously wondering about your DH's viewpoint here.

If he's never before bundled his daughter up to bed without a meal then you should sit and have a chat.

Or, if he's been doing it for weeks and you've had the chat then tell him you'll call the police if he does it again.

The only other possibility is that he's been doing for weeks (and, seriously, you don't know why?) but you've never had the chat. Now you need to present yourself at the police.

What did you do to upset him? This has been going on for ages, hasn't it?

I would be very tempted to book a spa day for yourself on his birthday - and conveniently forget to do anything for him that day. But that's just mean me!! Nobody likes to feel unloved and not treated specially on this one day a year. Know how it feels - I didn't even get a card on my 20 year wedding anniversary - actually barely even a mention - how very special (NOT!)

Why is a 'spa day' considered to be such a suitable 'punishment' to levy at an uncaring partner? If OP wanted such a thing, on any day, she could book and pay for one for herself now and enjoy it if she likes that sort of thing. It seems just such a non-statement of a silent but aggressive temper tantrum.

I don't know when OP's husband's birthday is but if this is still wrangling on, not having been resolved in any way, then what's the point of continuing with the relationship at all? Surely this needs to be sorted out head on now so that everybody's expectations are known and catered for?

Spa-Tarcus finally arrives.

OP ignore so many of the grumpy posts here and let us know how you are?
Hope things better and the holiday goes well - make sure you take time to have time just you and DH and have a talk. Very easy to drift apart when you don't see each other due to work kids etc. Time to be candid about what happened with him and resolve it and then move on. Hopefully with big apology from him.

Did you ever get anything from him?