To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

OP already stated that DD was perfectly capable of feeing herself, but wouldn't have to spite her dad.

No, she said the DD was sent straight to bed without food, and didn't defy her dad by asking for something to eat first. Not the same thing at all.

And I think he sent DD to bed because he didn't want anyone to do anything nice for you that day.

Your DH is a know. Who cares if he is the main breadwinner? You also work and extremely long hours. When he is home he should do 50/50. Am so angry that you have to micromanage this manchild.

I suspect a lot of your DDs unhappiness is the fact your DH really doesnt know her. I mean he doesnt look after her much does he?

Happy birthday!

If it helps I once got a frying pan as a present and MIL baked a disgusting cake (banana cake - I hate bananas which they all know) which meant DH came home 2 hrs late from work as he had to be there while she baked it while I had been home with teething baby all day. But at least he made a fuss of me. If in completely the wrong way.

"Like lots of pp's have said I think he was/is "punishing" you for having the audacity to go away for your job for a few days. As a result he had to do "women's work". He had to take your dd somewhere that he didn't benefit from. He had to go to a supermarket, where he managed to buy only one thing. What, he couldn't think of one other thing that it might have been handy to get in your absence? Then, instead of being at home in your apron, fresh-faced, ready to welcome him back, you had the nerve to fall asleep.

Then, to top it off, he had to witness your dd wanting to acknowledge your birthday, something he had decided not to do. Why should he, you'd abandoned him, so in his eyes you should be crying in the spare room."

I think this is completely spot on.

OP, I think you and your dd should have a birthday celebration, even if she is saying "they're just things now" I think it would mean something to her go to out for a lovely tea or something and let her give you some token and feel as if she has spoiled you and you have had a nice time. Maybe do something a bit grown up you haven't done before, go somewhere really elegant or something, so it doesn't feel like a bungled home celebration but a departure into a new way of doing things. And of course I hope you enjoy it a lot too! Your dd sounds lovely.

The question about whether you should "move on" or not: I think your difficulty with moving on might be related to a sense that only by "staying still" for long enough, will your H get it. He won't get it. The longer you do and say things to try to make it clear why you are justifiably pissed off, the more he will see it as you "misbehaving". Clearly, "moving on" won't communicate anything either. So I don't know the answer. Just be happy. AS happy as you can. If you will feel better sweeping it under the carpet and carrying on with life, do that. If you want some kind of catharsis by living with him at arms' length for a while, do that. Either way, you are living with a man who isn't listening, doesn't respect females and is determined to be right at all costs. Deal with that how you see fit.

Men can arrange their own times to sit down if they are that bothered.

Sure they can, but it's the OP asking, and someone should start the conversation. Even it's to end in you're a bastard and I'm leaving.
Both sulking achieves nothing.

Full disclosure: my attitude is jaundiced as fuck. My ex is a man who doesn't quite see anyone but him as a real live human. He throws things away that other people are fond of, he is always making little piles of "books we don't need any more" that include some of my favourites. he threw away (temporarily - I rescued it) a hand made bag that my sister had made specially with beautiful appliqué for one of my daughters. My mum sent letters to my dcs including stamped addressed envelopes to invite them to write back and I found them shoved away as if rubbish. If I try to talk about any of this he genuinely doesn't understand why I am upset or why dcs might find this upsetting. He thinks we are all just robots who should do and say what he thinks, and he thinks there is something wrong with us when we don't.

When I was pregnant with dd2 and beyond exhausted for reasons too tedious to relate but basically involving him being selfish beyond belief, he showed me something on screen for about 3 seconds and said "shall we get this for dd1 for Christmas?" I thought, that doesn't look like the right thing to get, but he is going to flip out if I "argue" so I'll be careful, maybe explain when I have more energy, and said "can we talk about this tomorrow?" He bought it online that night. It cost £75 which for us was a terrifying amount of money. It was non returnable, effectively useless, for reasons I understood perfectly because a. I spent more time with dd1 and knew what was the right thing for her and me, and b. IT IS MY INDUSTRY. I WORK WITH THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THESE THINGS. I AM A NATIONAL EXPERT ON THIS STUFF.

I cried for about 3 hours when he told me he had bought it, that was one of the key moments in realising how little respect he has for me.

Of course when eventually it went to the tip, I even had to do that.

shit sorry about epic de-rail. I am processing.

OP none of this has anything to do with you and I am sure your DH is completely different.

littlemissangry
Horrible for you. X

Your childhood treatment I mean

Agree with Lweji. Ultimately you have to create time and space to start untangling this stuff and dealing with it.

It sounds to me like your marriage is over.

"I couldn't get out of work in time to take her this week as I had a huge backlog of stuff in the office due to having been away."

He was miffed and acting out - taking it out on you and DD.

So he didn't feed DD, said she could sort herself out, was happy for her to go to bed hungry, but was happy to drive up to DS with the car, and then to give him money and petrol....

You did a full grocery shop and all the laundry before you left - he did none of that while you were away.

How are his sexual politics generally?

I agree: preventing your dd celebrating or even acknowledging your birthday and telling your DS you 'couldn't be bothered' are really nasty.

The birthday is one thing - the bigger picture needs some scrutiny.

OP - I think you need to find time to talk all this over, in the context of holding a relationship together. It isn't easy when people are working long hours and travelling. but some kindness, empathy and consideration can go a long way to help. And he isn't showing any.

OP, you really didn't make much of your own birthday yourself - you made your dh coffee, didn't mention your birthday, left early for work and worked late. You didn't take the day off, or go in a bit late (did you have meetings first thing, or are they utterly unreasonable employers, given the fact they'd know you would be jet lagged?). Also, could your dd not have missed her rehearsal for that one night? I'm struggling to see when you were really planning to make anything of your birthday, tbh, so can see why your dh might have thought it would be better to let you sleep off your obvious exhaustion.

It seems to me a massive problem in your family is failures of communication, of which you appear to be as guilty as any of them at the moment by not wanting to talk to or even be in the physical presence of your dh. Even if nothing else, I would want to understand how he and your dd could be back a whole hour later than anticipated if they only bought one thing at a supermarket five minutes from where she rehearses. Your version of events seems rather incomplete to me, probably because you've refused to talk about it with your dh. Fair enough that you are hurt and upset, but not wanting to spend time in your dh's presence doesn't seem to me to be a good way to resolve this. He needs to understand why you think he's been a selfish twat, not be left free to conclude that you're sulking.

i think its a shame you allowed your birthday to go by uncelebrated.

i would have just told him to go fuck himself, and arranged a special belated birthday with DD, so you could both still have done cake and presents and enjoyed each others company.

The whole 'it was just stuff' the next day comes across a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face.

But then maybe i'm used to my DH being a let down, so i arrange stuff with my mom that doesn't involve him spoiling it.

The OP was jet lagged the other way - you might as well go in early when you have a backlog, when your body clock as been awake for hours and when no one else has time for cake and presents in the morning anyway.

I really don't like all this talk of "poor communication" and "very busy and over committed" and "what did you do about your birthday?" I believe it comes from a subconscious belief that it is always the woman's job to facilitate communication and family harmony. I think it's crap for a person to have to be on project management duty for their own birthday and you would only expect that because she is a woman.

Do you think he resents the amount of time you're spending at work which necessitates him having to step in and do some of the things he sees as a wife's work?

This. And for God's sake, rtft Walter.

Er, I did, thank you.

Bollocks. I don't make a big thing of my dh's birthday if he doesn't make a big thing of it himself. I feel absolutely no obligation as a woman to make a big thing of someone's birthday if they are showing no particular desire to do anything much to celebrate it, and would have no issue whatsoever with telling someone exactly what I would like to do to celebrate my birthday, so as to avoid any disappointment. That's not project management, that's just not expecting people to be mind readers, male or female.
As for the jet lag - the OP left for work early and came home late, so didn't make any concessions for herself at either end. Personally, I would expect my dh to remember to say happy birthday first thing - he was clearly awake if he was drinking coffee. If he didn't, I would mention it then, as it seems odd not to say happy birthday in the morning if you've remembered it.

You don't seem to have understood it, Walter.

OP already stated that DD was perfectly capable of feeing herself, but wouldn't have to spite her dad.

No, she said her DD was ordered to bed by her DH without having had dinner.

That was directed at Maudlin for suggesting that it is only because the OP is a woman that Inwould expect her to do more on her own birthday than go into work early, come home late and not even mention to her dh that he could at least wish her a happy birthday in the morning after she's been nice enough to bring him a coffee.

Do you love your DH, OP? Because if you don't, you don't have to stay with him! It sounds like he does very little at home, has very little respect for you and you never see him. What's he got going for him?

You sound like you have a good career and your DD would rather not live with him. Get out whilst you can! Find someone who deserves you.

And I have no time for the unconstructive argument that a woman shouldn't have to make an effort to communicate because that would be conforming to some kind of sexist view of women being obliged to be the communicator. Women and men are equally capable of giving each other the silent treatment, ime.

At 14 DD is of course capable of getting herself things to eat but she won't do that in defiance of her dad if she's been told to go to bed.

This from the OP.

Also that they had to go to tesco because dd will only drink a specific brand of cordial.

Also that she wouldn't give her mother a present the next day because all the enjoyment was gone from it.

Like I said, he was a knob, but indulging this nonsense is ridiculous.

Naice how arrogant of you to assume that because my opinion is different to yours, I haven't understood the thread.

tatertots, please stop high jacking this thread. You're being obnoxious. This thread is not about you!

I don't think it's possible to project manage your husband saying 'happy birthday sweetie, your worn out, crash up to bed, I'll bring a cup of tea and we'll have a lovely day later in the weeks, sorry today's been a bit of a car crash'