To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

You were the one who initially got personal when I'd simply contributed my opinion to the thread. I remain baffled as to why you took such great umbrage at it.
But that was a seriously uncool thing to say on a forum where many woman are struggling from bereavements, infertility and miscarriages.
Anyway sorry for derail OP mn really does throw up some bizarreness at times.

It does sound very grim, OP, to the extent I can't really get my head around how poor communication appears to be in your household at the moment. Are you both insanely busy? Do you ever talk?

My husband never ever forgets my birthday because it's the same day as his. (It might well be a different story otherwise, but we won't go there.) We don't make a big deal of our birthday, but a week or two in advance we have a brief chat about what to do on the day - take a day off and go out somewhere nice, with lunch out, and/or go out for a meal in the evening. That's about it. We don't bother with cards or presents much. However, no matter what we do on the day, first thing in the morning we wish each other happy birthday. I can't get my head round just totally forgetting or purposely omitting to do something as simple but important as that, no matter how busy the day.

You were away before your birthday and he was away before that, but you say you have a family Whatsapp group, there's email, presumably you could have spoken on the phone or Skype. He could easily have asked what you wanted to do - maybe postpone the whole thing till the weekend and then celebrate with your son.

I'm not sure I could get past his behaviour. It's the utter lack of respect and consideration for you and your daughter that strikes me. Not good.

Objectively with no other info there seems to be some resentment here from him - shaking you awake with no regards to jet lag seems like a pointed "I'm as tired and busy as you so don't think you can laze about" move. It sounds like you are lodgers who share childcare duties rather than a partnership.

Did he forget or not do anything on purpose? The crossed wires comment confuses me as he knew you hadn't had any acknowledgement when he sent DD to bed.

You were the one who initially got personal when I'd simply contributed my opinion to the thread

Really? In what way?

In your shoes I would of made a birthday tea myself....how could yr husband do it if he was out collecting yr daughter??. Did you expect him to start cooking at 9 pm?.. that's crazy.we always have birthday tea.ive happily made my own ,I prefer it ,so I get exactly what I like...you deserve a day shopping and a lunch out...or a nice meal out

TBH, your lives sound rather hectic and badly organised. Not having your birthday acknowledged before you left for work was surely a sign he'd already forgotten it was your birthday, wasn't it? And why did your dh have to sit outside your dd's rehearsal for so long? Was the rehearsal taking place a long way from home? Or is he so busy at work that he felt it would be more time-effective to work in the car? And what did he need to get in the supermarket so late at night? Clearly not a present for you, or even more in-date milk! Do you both actually enjoy your jobs, and/or are you like ships passing in the night, one or the other always away on a work trip?

I have to assum from your reaction that this is not the first time your dh has upset you and walked roughshod over your feelings, given your Revulsion at the thought of spending time in his physical presence at the moment!

Thanks for various good wishes and suggestions. Money's not a big issue and I could treat myself and DD to stuff or a meal or a night away if we wanted. He's not remotely mean or grudging over money and I could go now and say I want x, y or z and it would be absolutely fine if I sorted it out for myself. However don't feel like that would undo the upset or retrieve things.

We had in advance expected to do something on my actual birthday because we'd then be in different places for the rest of the week. We hadn't massively communicated about details, but we don't generally do anything elaborate, just quick meal, cake and presents. He'd been six hours behind on a work trip for two week mid sept and that means even if he finishes at 6pm which would be unusually early, it's already midnight here so I'm not generally in the mood to chat by then. My time difference then meant I wanted to be in bed before he was free to speak to me.

I left him with a full shop in and had already processed all the weeks washing etc before I left (on a Saturday morning). I came back to no groceries and a few loads of washing waiting. His late evening trip to the supermarket weirdly only acquired one item - a specific cordial - that I wasn't able to get in the Tesco express I'd had to buy week's groceries in when I got back on Monday night. Admittedly DD makes a fuss and refuses to drink if we don't have the right things so she may have been behind this initially.

I don't understand why he behaved like he did. He had asked me the night before if I wanted takeaway, but named a takeaway that related to the country I'd just come home from so I'd just laughed and declined. He hadn't actually bought or planned any dinner by 10pm that I wasted by then being asleep and we could easily have eaten something I'd bought the day before. Most charitable explanation I can think is that I disappointed him by being asleep and ruining some plan but I still can't understand why he was so mean to DD, why it didn't occur to him that my sleeping in spare room was a sign that perhaps I didn't want my birthday ignoring, why when called out he didn't come up with a belated thing for this weekend etc.

I guess I do need to move on and people are advising me to talk to him. But it's not easy to convey the hurt to someone who's assessment is that I'm sulking because I didn't get a present, when actually what upsets me is the cruel and inconsiderate behaviour primarily to DD, but also to me. We're supposed to be the people he loves so can't understand how this is okay.

It sounds like both you and your DH lead very busy lives.

I was away recently for a trip abroad and your comment about your DH being late because didn't go to the supermarket when he could struck a cord - I had to point out to DH that he could in fact walk to the supermarket not 5 minutes away whilst DS was at football training. he thought this was a genius idea and was very impressed that I had thought of it .

I guess if I was due to be up at 5am the next day I might be a little grumpy that evening to. So on your birthday you left for work at 7am - you were wide awake because of jet lag, and then the next time your DH and DD saw you was at 10pm when you were already asleep.

I would be upset by the lack of care for your DD - that bit is bad, but the birthday stuff, meh, without a back story which there clearly is, I'd struggle to get worked up about it.

He doesn't love you.

He is just a mean cunt.

Do not "move on" with this nasty shitbag sharing a home with a ternage daughter who is afraid of him and wants to live elsewhere.

I think my parents will have left me something which I'll have to ask him about and open before they get back to avoid upsetting them by not being able to thank them.

Has he not given you whatever they left you yet?! He sounds quite frankly abusive, op.

You do need to talk, that is important in a relationship, or it will fester. He could have wished you a very happy birthday, and made you a cup of tea, that requires no time. Its his approach that was unacceptable. Sound like you do need to talk to him, your not mind readers. Communication!

It is very significant why your dd suggested moving away and living just the two of you. I feel you are trying to avoid talking about other issues I asked about previously, as this may not be the first time. Your dd would not come out with something like that for one incident, how are things at home op!

He can't have completely forgotten OP's birthday - his daughter "had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important." I cannot believe he was unaware it was her birthday.

OP - what is he normally like?

Your 14 yr old DD won't drink unless she has a specific cordial? And your 20 yr old DS demanded the train fare and a tank of petrol for coming to get his own car?! What's wrong with this picture, OP?? You're making your children sound very precious. Maybe this is the wrong impression.

Why did your DH sit outside her rehearsal for 1.5 hours instead of going to do a shop knowing you were coming home?

I must be Mystic bloody Meg.

I always know that I should wish my family a happy birthday on their birthday.

Didn't know it was a special power.

The rehearsal is 1.5 hrs long and half an hours drive from the house so impossible to come home in between. DS used to be in the same thing and drive them both so only recently become a problem. Since DS left the band I have taken her and I use the dead time to run errands nearby - supermarket, chemist etc. I couldn't get out of work in time to take her this week as I had a huge backlog of stuff in the office due to having been away.

Do talk. Get to the bottom of it. Ask him what he was thinking and what his reasons were. For it all.

It's not really good simply going to sleep elsewhere. You should tell him how hurt you are and what is going on.

What you do next will depend on what he says and does then.

I also don't really care about my Birthday but this goes way way way beyond that. He is being an absolute manipulative, dismissive arse to characterise this as "sulking".

I agree with Aeroflotgirl - that's a vey striking thing for your DD to say.
You sound very detached from each other

Yes, definitely go cap in hand to a man who brutalised both you and your daughter on your birthday.

You need a nice calm discussuion putting no pressure on gis delicate psyche to find out why he was such a cunt to both of you.

Also agree with you nicenewdusters

The OP sounds like she's running round like a blue-arses fly and yet she's being told what she should have done

You can tell him calmly that you were upset and if he doesn't accept it then there's little else you can do beyond reasses your relationship. And tell him you're reassessing it.

If you think your DH is a dickhead, it's because he is...

OP, what's your husband like? How is he, day to day, in general terms?

He's not here very much. He's the main earner. I organise everything domestically, but it's not particularly easy at the moment as my job is not a little part time type role and I tend to work around 60 hrs a week too. He's not good at taking responsibility for stuff outside work, but isn't generally actively cruel, just a bit useless.