To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

Need, I saw that. I was hoping that he had done a bit more. His sister did (presumably). I asked what happened about the cake and presents - did they materialise or was that pie in the sky too?

It sounds to me as if NOBODY in OP's house is bothered about birthdays, other than the OP who makes an effort - and it's never reciprocated. It's not ok to ignore somebody's birthday but the sting would have been less perhaps if her kids had actually bothered, even if her husband wouldn't/didn't.

Yanbu

However there appear to be communication issues. I'd have called out my dh on the poor birthday stuff straight away and told him how upset I was instead of waiting for something to happen (ie in the morning you got up and went to work).

I think it is very worrying that a 14 year old doesn't feel like she can defy her father. She should be able to say that she is hungry and wants to wish her mum a happy birthday.

OP yanbu, your h behaved like a dick

I am shocked most people are going on about the ds lack of picking up the car, or dd not getting herself something to eat, and are making excuses for a man who has behaved really badly towards his wife and dd. I think there are other issues here, it is blatantly obvious dd is afraid of her dad, that she feels she cannot tell him her plans for her mum's birthday, and that she wants to get something to eat. Her comment about leaving h and starting a life together, speaks volumes.

Wtf did he shake you awake and tell you Togo to bed for, who is he, your controller op! I would have told him to feck off and read him the riot act. You sound very afraid if him too. Is that why the reluctance to speak to him about your birthday and that dd had plans. You both sound afraid of him.

To be honest it sounds as if you are all trying to fit far too much into a week. I felt knackered just reading about your schedules! You were away for 10 days in a dfiferent time zone and got home jetlagged the day before your birthday. Then you were up at 6. Your DH got home at 10pm after work and taking your DD to a rehearsal and going to the supermarket - not exactly a round of pleasures. It doesn't sound as if you or DH thought to have any conversation about arrangements for your birthday, not even who was supposed to be cooking supper. And then he was off at 5am the next day and away for days. And you were both supposed to be delivering a car to DS at the weekend. And.... I think you should both make a bit more time for each other and spend less time rushing about.

Though I do think sending a teenager to bed unfed is knobbish. Bad man your DH for that. But forgetting your birthday, in all that chaos I would have forgotten it too.

and what oobedobe said, "speak up!". My mum is like this but we had years and years of her precious princes (my brothers) being selfish and not acknowledging her birthday or anybody else's - and they weren't tackled about it then. Way too late now and her birthday is tears every year... my considerable input doesn't even register.

I genuinely don't care about my birthday, I don't like fuss at all about anything - but if I did, I'd tell my family so and make sure they knew that it was expected. Ok, it would be better if they didn't need telling but, if they do, tell them!

I'm sorry your birthday was such a miserable affair. DH and I don't make a big fuss about our birthdays but we would present each other with a card and a small cake (might be just a muffin with a candle stuck in it) and wish each other a Happy Birthday. It's not about spending money on things, just a small acknowledgement that it's a special day.

If it was me, I'd be upset and angry for two reasons:-- (1) his thoughtlessness and lack of effort for my birthday and (2) his failure to ensure that DD had a proper meal, either before or after her rehearsal. I don't know if these things are symptomatic of ongoing issues or if it was just a culmination of a period of stress/long work trips away from home etc. Only you know the answer to that.

I can understand why you were too upset to face a long drive to visit your DS when your emotions were all over the place, followed by a tense, unhappy drive back with your DH.

I hope you have a nice birthday treat with your DD but I think you also need to have a long and honest talk with your DH. If he's accusing you of sulking about your birthday, then it sounds like he's not acknowledging your feelings or accepting any responsibility for his actions (or lack of). Did you tackle him about his failure to feed your DD that night? What was his explanation?

Anyway, I'm a few days late but I just wanted to offer you some birthday and and a or .

Your husband sounds fucking horrible. Yanbu.

It doesn't sound like your DH really cares too much about your feelings one way or the other. Not a good sign.

I he always so self-centred and defensive about muck ups?

Lying message from Desolee at 13.51

"Just to be clear I don't think a birthday in itself is a big deal. I do think that dismissing all of DD's efforts, sending her to bed, not catering for her, letting me think she didn't do anything either and chose to go to bed without seeing me etc is. And that most people if they'd genuinely had cross wires as he said would come home with flowers or plans or something, not do absolutely nothing.

At 14 DD is of course capable of getting herself things to eat but she won't do that in defiance of her dad if she's been told to go to bed. And she was crying over not being allowed to acknowledge my birthday, not over food specifically."

Of course DD wanted to celebrate her mum's birthday with her but twattybollocks played the I'm the dad and you'll obey me routine. Sounds like even DD has had enough of his behaviour.

TaterTots you should probably be careful who you say that sort of stuff to. You don't know people's personal histories.
And fwiw you have had a bizarre overreaction to my original statement.

My DS is actually 20 not 18 if that lessens the concern for him. He's here now and seemingly unmoved by having had to make the train journey home. I'd bought all his favourite groceries ready to take him so he's not feeling hideously hard done by. He's claimed the £30 train fare and a tank of fuel from DH too.

DD didn't actually want to hand over the presents/cake she had organised on another day as they'd become just stuff by the next night and were an unwanted reminder of what had turned out to be a horrible day. A work colleague went out and got me flowers the next day when she asked what I'd got so I do have those. I think my parents will have left me something which I'll have to ask him about and open before they get back to avoid upsetting them by not being able to thank them.

I was worried about leaving DD, but she was with other people for the first weekend and with my parents on the Wednesday to the Friday when her dad was away for work so not actually looked after by solely DH that much. He does have a track record of poor catering and they were still on the same 2 pints of milk as when I left.

The son is perfectly capable of getting the train to collect the car. Don't need 3 people to transport the car while son relaxes.

You need to sitdown with MrTwat and tell him exactly how you feel and how his actions made dd feel. He has behaved appallingly towards you and dd. Don't be a doormat, speak up!

What are you showing dd by allowing him to behave this way.

Your son's claimed the train ticket and fuel from your husband - for his own car? What is that all about OP? Your son sounds like a precious prince too.

I'll leave it now. I think you have more problems and issues than this thread.

I don't see adult birthdays as that important (so may affect my judgement)

Your lives sound very busy.

If I came home and found DH fast asleep in clothes I would assume he was exhausted birthday or not. It is crap that he didn't acknowledge or make up for it after.

I don't make a fuss of my birthday but I would like some acknowledgement. Last year me and immediate family when to a special (to me!) coffee shop for dessert. I organised it. Token gift from DH. I did get presents from a couple of friends, present and card from my parents and inlaws but I would have been OK without.

If I was you I'd get everyone together to eat the cake and organise something to do together, that you like, that can be your birthday activity. Cinema, meal, walk, whatever. Once this is done, you can move on!

I think if you have the kind of relationship where you can say "Oi, Bollock Brain, have you forgotten it's my birthday today, when's my new Ferrari being delivered?" then this sort of thing doesn't happen anyway. You're much more in tune with each other, you're more aware of each others day-to-day lives.

I think the picture building here is of a home where everything is quite formal. There's lots of organisation, rushing around, fitting it all in. However, the dh appears to be unapproachable, inflexible, insensitive, and his family are intimidated by him.

TaterTots you should probably be careful who you say that sort of stuff to. You don't know people's personal histories.

You're right, I don't know your personal history. And you don't know mine. Therefore you have no idea whether I should have been more 'emotionally resilient' when I was younger; or whether my response was a 'bizarre overreaction'.

Best make sure you're adhering to your own standards before laying on the guilt trip, eh?

Happy late birthday op

He is a dick.

If you can afford it book a night away with your dd and bloody spoil yourself

You'll also have to ask your OH about what your parents left? He hasn't hand it to you or left it somewhere you could spot easily?

I know it's a long way off, but I'd make sure your daughter is able to acknowledge you on Mothering Sunday.

A male friend of mine had this treatment from his wife. He claimed there was no reason. The kids were 12 & 8 @ the time & there was no rushed schedule. No-one said a word to him in the morning, his younger kid said "happy birthday" in the evening.

He was sad about it, but says he's just adjusted his expectations downwards. I'm pleased you aren't at that point - you can still see he's being cold and that you deserve better.

OP. It's totally your call, it's your thread, but you seem reluctant to elaborate upon whether this is normal behaviour for your dh, or something so out of character that you've posted here.

It must be hard for you to read so many negative comments about him if it's normal behaviour. As if this is the case you probably have some hard decisions to make.

If it's a one-off you are probably feeling defensive of him because you know he's generally a nice guy.

If you were my friend in RL there are several parts of the OP that would worry me. Why would he wake you "roughly"? He "told" your teenage dd to go to bed, in such a way that she went to bed hungry. He's also lied to your ds, saying you can't "be bothered" to go and see him - he knows that's not true. He's also making your dd think you're sulking, when in fact you're just legitimately upset.

He's caused a lot of upset, and is now trying to frame the situation so that it reflects badly upon you. Classic bully. Create shit storm, re frame, retreat and assume victim position.