To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

Bloody hell, I wish I'd seen this a couple of years ago.
My 50th (a year ago) was barely acknowledged and whilst I felt very sad about it, just accepted that that's how things are when you get older.
Maybe I'll suggest to DH that we go out for a meal on my birthday next year.

I'd be fucking livid, if my DH behaved like this. Birthdays are important. Crikey, there's enough crap that happens in life, so surely we should all celebrate the good stuff. He's been cruel to your DD. She had all the presents wrapped and the cake bought/made. And then he sent her to bed, so he actually sabotaged the whole fucking thing. Disgusting. I suspect he's done plenty more cruel things, if she is thinking she'd be prepared to move to a smaller house and change schools, to get away from him.

I'd be having a serious think about whether your DD has a point (about moving). I couldn't forgive that.

No idea why people are focusing on your DS and his car. He's an adult. He should have thought "I need my car and it's Mum's birthday on Tuesday, I know, I'll get the train down, join them for a birthday dinner and then drive back to Uni the next day"

YANBU, in ANY way shape or form. I'm raging on your behalf.

nicenewdusters a big round of applause because you are spot on.

Happy belated birthday, desolee.

Of course you couldn't bear to be stuck in a car with him all day. Heavens sake, your son is close enough to catch the train, your husband could have done the trip, why are people lobbing shots at you over this?

Of course your husband was being a dick. YANBU. I like the idea of you taking your DS out for a late special treat. I'm sorry he's upset her to this extent. I'm also sorry because, imo, one of our jobs as parents is to show our kids how to treat people, and that includes how to treat our loved ones. He failed rather spectacularly there, but it looks like you've done a good job over the years as your Dd tried repeatedly to engage him on the topic. I feel like it will continue to worry her until the two of you have made up for it, so a lovely lunch or dinner for mum & daughter is in order.

I don't see why people are criticising the OP's son. Yes, he could have collected the car himself - and if I read correctly, that's exactly what he did in the end. But it's not really the point. His parents - BOTH of them - had said they were going, and presumably it was a visit rather than just delivering the car.

Yes, 18 is an adult, but going away to uni is a scary time. I remember I was on the phone crying because I was so homesick some days in the first couple of weeks. If my mother had been planning to visit and then said 'I've had a row with your dad so I'm not coming' I'd have been pretty devastated.

Poor dd

Have you asked her what he was like when you were away on business? It doesn't sound like a one off event.

I'm glad some sensible people have pointed out that it's hardly a heinous crime not spending the day doing a massive favour for an adult son.
YANBU at all.

Bloody hell - I'm glad you're not my mother.

Dusters, you're so right.

The Man does wrong, but people are tripping over themselves to tell OP all the things that she didn't do perfectly, on her birthday, jet-lagged and ASLEEP!

Jeez Louise.

OP, sorry your husband was such a shit on your birthday. Your DD sounds lovely.

TaterTots seriously?
You appear to be projecting about a truckload of your own issues here.

Regardless of all the opinions, no one deserves to be ignored on their birthday. I hope while your H is away you consider you choices. It sounds like you're a professional woman and your daughter sounds unhappy. Maybe seriously think about a little house for you both. A happy home life is more important than anything.

You h is an absolute arse op, cold, uncaring, rude, insensitve. Your dd said to you that you and her should move to a separate house and start a new life. Has this happened before? Has your h got a habit of similar behaviour. It does not sound like you are happy in your marriage, and this is the icing on the cake.

Your DH fucked up. I'd say it was unintentional but he knows he's fucked up and now he's on the defensive rather than admit it. Time to have a talk and sort it out. Yes you are hurt , you are entitled to be hurt rightly so but it needs sorting before it escalates any further .

Desolee I presume your DD feels that way because of ongoing issues & tensions? Do you think she might have a point? He sounds like a dictatorial, miserable, selfish twat.

TaterTots seriously?
You appear to be projecting about a truckload of your own issues here.

Overdosed on the daytime talk shows haven't we?

I don't think it's that unreasonable to think that, two weeks into university and away from home for the first time, the OP's son might be feeling a bit homesick and looking forward to a visit.

Your daughter is 14 and could have organised something for herself to eat, surely? Also, am I misreading or does your husband do a fair bit of ferrying around for her?

What happened to the cake and presents that she arranged for you?

It sounds to me as if you have expectations of not needing to say what you want to happen for your birthday and your husband doesn't make the effort by himself without instruction from you. Did you tip him off before then? Your daughter obviously knew and was making the effort.

I understand why you would be disappointed but not why you're continuing to carry this bad feeling on. I would have thought you would tell your husband how you feel about what you wanted - and then let it go. What's to be gained from carrying on the bad feeling? It will just upset everybody in the house and your birthday has now gone.

Make it very clear for next year. Everything that you want to happen.

Then HE can get a train home to pick up his car, as he is now doing, and visit his parents & sister. It's not a big deal fgs.

Agree with NeedABanner, he's not a 'poor DS' at all - he can jolly well pop down to collect his own car. You and your husband are busy enough just looking at the to-ing and fro-ing in your first post.

... and what did your SON do for your birthday, OP?

Your daughter is 14 and could have organised something for herself to eat, surely?

I don't think most 14 year olds will think of arranging dinner for themselves, particularly if it's usually a family meal.
The problem here is not the DD

FGS, he didn't even have to organise anything, the OP didn't even get a happy birthday from him!

Lying. Her DD was sent to bed & wouldn't defy her father by not doing so. Which tells me a lot, that she doesn't even feel she can say 'OK dad, I'm just going to have some toast first as I'm hungry' let alone '...but I want to happy birthday to mum first'.

Her DH said there were 'crossed wires' but he didn't even acknowledge it was her birthday at all. He woke her up & told her to go to bed, he didn't even give her a hug and say Happy Birthday Love, let's celebrate it properly tomorrow'

Jesus wept - she shouldn't have the spell that out!

He went to the supermarket AFTER DD's rehearsal so they were really late home when he could have easily gone while she was her rehearsal.

He's just been a total arse, I don't understand why you're making excuses for him? I think she's 'carrying it on' because she's fed up of living with an arse who has no regard for her feelings or for her as a person.

TaterTots I don't watch daytime talk shows. I do assume that most young adults have a bit more emotional resilience than you.

"expectations of not needing to say what you want to happen for your birthday...."

Husband appears to be a professional who travels with his job. He is married, has 3 children, can drive, and presumably runs his own life without much prompting.

At what stage should his wife have to expect to say to him "It's my birthday next week. If you could say the words "Happy Birthday" at some point during the day that would be great."

If a fully functioning adult has to be told this, that it's an expectation that the other person has to manage, I'd say that's a relationship in trouble.

Lying

DS sent me a what's app message in our family group on my birthday

He hardly pushed the boat out either, but at least he remembered & said HB. Mind you, if he's anything like my brother, not until his sister reminded him! Though I may be doing him a disservice .

I didn't say that the daughter was the problem and I'm making no excuses for OP's husband, he's utterly thoughtless. I'm saying that OP - because she WANTS her husband to care about her birthday - will have to be much clearer about that because he obviously doesn't care about it. I'm not disputing that in any way - he doesn't care.

We're not really disagreeing on that point but I do think the children of the house are old enough to get themselves something to eat and also make something for their mum too. They can also collect their own car and not expect their parents to bring it. I asked what the son did for his mother's birthday. Nothing as well, perhaps?

It is obviously not nice for DH to have not said happy birthday at all. But I do think it is a bit passive aggressive to want birthday fuss, but not speak up about it.

Why did it not get discussed a week or two earlier and then you could have said, we will be really busy/tired etc but lets go for dinner on Friday?

Or make plans with a friend so you could have had a nice lunch at least.

It is a bit spoiled expecting everyone else to do the planning/running around. People get busy and things get forgotten. Why not text DH and say 'oi where's my card' instead of keeping quiet all day?

It sounds like you were secretly hoping to get woken up to cards and a cake and a happy birthday, but I think by 10pm at night and after a busy day all round you were wrong to hope for this. It should have got addressed earlier in the day.

So yes your DH was a prick in forgetting, but speak up woman or you will be sulking after every birthday to come!