To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

I've only read the first and last page, so apologies if I've missed an important update.

Not only was it your birthday, but he hadn't seen you for ten days, so he should have made even more effort. I'd be hacked off too. Birthdays don't have to be a huge fuss, but it ought to be a day where you're at least made to feel special.

As fort the he not seeing her son, I can understand that. It wasn't the not wanting to see him it was the sitting in the car with someone you're angry at. Your husband could just as easily gone to pick DS up, brought him home (even better you could all have gone out for a birthday meal while he was home) and DS could have driven his own car back.

I wouldn't read too much into what the DD said - teens often fly off the handle but don't really mean it.

Someone is going to have to break the deadlock here, and I don't see much difference which of you it is... it's not productive to keep the cold war running on. Do you still love your DH, OP? Do you ever have fun together? enjoy each other's company? laugh at the same jokes? spend family time?

Not being funny but your DH is a bastard. I don't care how long you've been together or how tired you both are this has crossed the line. You need to talk to him

YANBU. OP isn't sulking, she's justifiedly very upset and hurt by all aspects of her DHs behaviour.
DS will survive having to get the train so that he can have the luxury of a car. Look after yourself OP

I'm agreeing with those saying you need better communication. Sounds like DH is also annoyed by something too. Right now your kids are suffering because you aren't creating a relationship, you are cohabitating. Sit down and have a calm sensible conversation about how you feel. To still be tearful about a birthday days later is out of proportion. If you can't do this consider counselling for the good of the kids, if only to take the conflict out of the house.

I think I would be just as upset as you. It doesn't matter how old you are it's knowing that someone loves you enough and cares about you to take some time out of their busy life on one day of the year to acknowledge the day you were born. It's not as if you wanted the earth. He could of phoned you while he was sitting in the car to say happy birthday.

I think you're sulking and dragging it
out tbh. It was bad of him to miss your birthday, but if you've been away for 10 days and he's been home alone with your daughter, he has been out of routine. How do you want this to be resolved? The more you sulk, the more he will dig his heals in, move on.

Also reading some of these posts I'm noting a bit of sexism here. If DH had just got home from 10 days away there'd be loads of comments about him taking the burden of the house/kids//saying thanks but instead there's quite a lot of advice saying he should shower you with love for being away. If we reversed sexes here would we have the same advice? It IS sexism if it's not ok to trade sexes, either way round.

Bloody hell! I want singing & people repeatedly asking me if I want tea etc on my birthday. Preferably thoughtful presents too. And I will be 40 next year & don't have any intention of 'growing up'

Can't believe everyone having a go at op for not going to see her son (who dh again said they couldn't be bothered going to), & the general victim blaming.

The problem is that dh hasn't said so much as 'sorry you've had a rubbish birthday, when can we do something to make up for it?' And fix things with dd too.

Crap as it is tho I think you need to talk to him before he goes as its just likely to fester into a bigger resentment. Hope you're feeling better soon x

Desperate if we're reversing the sexes, does the one who stayed at home still not bother doing any housework? And did the one who went away make sure all the housework was as up to date as possible before going?

I assume you wouldn't be as thoughtless to him on his birthday even if you were pissed off with him. Your not sulking your hurt and angry as it doesn't appear that he has tried to make it up to you. You do need to sit and talk and clear the air so you can get past this and hopefully he'll realise how hurt you are and won't do it again. Under the circumstances it would of been an uncomfortable journey to see your son. i understand you don't want to visit him if there's an atmosphere between you and your DH

I think that OP's son coming home to collect he car that he wants is probably the right result, by default, on that one - saves dragging the rest of the family out of routine to convenience him.

I think the OP is absolutely right to feel hurt by this. You were away for 10 days and not only was there no expression of how much you'd been missed there was nothing for your birthday because your husband couldn't be bothered to organise anything in advance then got cross when you fell asleep? How utterly mean. They are not the actions of a loving person. for you OP x

Well said VioletRoar lol

Happy Birthday!!
I hope you plan a glorious day for yourself and your DD.
And I personally think that your DH was being incredibly horrid. We all have busy lives, it doesn't mean we stop being kind to our loved ones.

Your DD went to so much trouble DH must have just been being a bit of a dick for some reason. Is this a completely out of character slip that happened with him or do you need a chat with about things

It sounds like he's spent years telling himself that your bit's the easy bit, and he's the one who has a hard time, bringing in the dosh, the commute, being the dad, holding all things financial together. So looking after the house, the daughter, well, it'll be a doddle.

Oh dear.

You are posting on here, presumably for on outsider's view and not just to rant?

I think you are both working crazy hours and it is ruining your family. Is it to keep up appearances? Nice house/cars (on lease)/ Sky TV/holidays...

Read a blogger called Money Mustache. Downsize everything and cut the hours. What is important is time with those you love. This time can never be replaced and no matter how much money you have it is never worth more than that.

In your own words you say he is generous with money, yet you are working 60 hours a week and must be earning a fair amount? Does he control the finances as well as keeping you and your daughter under strict control? To me he sounds borderline abusive and you are in denial. Your daughter is young and clear sighted. Get out while you can and she is still young enough to need you. Be the role model for her you would most wish her to aspire too, and I', hooping this means a strong, independent, loving, caring, yet feisty woman. You go for it girl, there's plenty of support on these boards and my instincts are saying forget the financial illusions and move swiftly on and out with your daughter before she is totally disillusioned with you and the lot of womankind.

Happy birthday
I feel bad for you but I hope you deal with it like an adult and let it not be a sore that eats away good things in your marriage.
Seems like had a busy day too. Working full time(even from home), Sitting outside in car as chauffeur for more than an hour, doing grocery runs afterwards, finding no cooked food at home, dealing with upset teenager and getting up at 5am for work trip for few days again is enough to put anyone in not very nice mood either. Him making a trip to DS on weekend after work trip again could have been tiring.
You both seem to have a busy schedule.
So sometime you have to forgive each other graciously trusting that other person's cup could be full as well. Plus you want to leave a good impr Saigon on your children like a wise adult. Hope you are over it soon.

Why is there such a focus on op "not seeing/ refusing to see"
Her DS. Maybe it's just me but that's not my understanding of what was written.
Op said she was going to visit her DS
At uni, but with the purpose of delivering his car to him. People
Make it sound as if deciding it to do so was some
Big rejection - get a grip!
Your husband acted like an uncaring and insensitive bugger and I would've been deeply hurt and fully understand why you wouldn't want to be in his company after that . Happy ( belated) birthday and chin up !

Happy birthday 🎉 🎈
This sounds like a nightmare.
You sound very busy & in need of slowing down. (All of you)
I'm sorry everyone forgot your birthday - that's really rough xx

Yes, your husband is being a dick and he needs to be reminded of that fact but have you also reminded your sisters and best friends that THEY were also dicks?

At 43, I've learnt that if I want anything doing, I do it myself. I have always put others before myself so for my 40th, I said I would be organizing my own party. And I did. I had a masked ball.

So maybe next birthday, you should book time off work, a few days before and a few days after and then give your husband the choice of doing the same. Then make your own plans of what to do and invite him along.

If he poo-poos the idea then he's nothing but an ass.

Men just don't do birthdays or organizing or fuss but they can be quite amenable to being told where to be, what to wear and how to behave. You just have to figure out the best way of getting your man to follow your instructions.

He sounds like he behaved really badly. Particularly waking you up roughly and you then needing to sleep in the spare room.

Birthdays and family celebrations are precious.

Is he usually so unkind?

Happy Birthday

I really don't get this thing with adults making a huge deal about birthdays. He's crap for not getting you a card but the pair of you not feeding daughter or going to see your son! Grow up, please. Stop sulking and go out to dinner as a family. Unbelievable.

I would be annoyed too. Your dd sounds like she wanted to do more for you, as she is 14 have a day out together or better still at 14 she can go to a spa with you. Put two fingers up at dh, tell him straight you are annoyed and that you have booked a day with dd who was the only one who cared.

I totally get the not-driving-with-jetlag thing, it makes me feel giddy and nauseous for a good few days and I don't drive straightaway. I am normally a totally confident driver.
I hate being woken up roughly. Sorry you've had a crap birthday OP