To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

[Desolee]

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

OP, you are not being unreasonable. It isnt about whether or not birthdays should be a big deal- its the fact that your husband wasn't respectful thoughtful or loving about YOU. If it hadn't been your birthday, being horrid about you being asleep on the sofa and not letting your daughter say goodnight would have been bad enough. It doesn't matter why he chose to behave like that, it was horrible. If things were the other way round how would he feel if you had done the same thing? My husband couldnt be bothered to do anything for my birthday last year, but when it became apparent I was pissed off about it he had the good grace to apologise, be sheepish and tried to make up for it this year. That is what adults do when they fuck up- your husband is being very unkind and selfish. If as you say this is not habit then that's a bit better, but if he is as selfish misogynistic and lazy in the relationship (and yes helping running the household is part of maintaining the relationship) as he is coming across then you do need to sort it out. My DH works away a lot but is still expected to do parenting and be emotionally present when he's home, even though I do almost everything domestically because I work less at the moment. When the situation was reversed (me working 60+hours, him at home) the same rules applied- I was expected to do 50% of the parenting (and happily did) and be 'present' at home when I was there but he did cooking/washing/general drudgery. I'm sorry you had a rubbish birthday. Tell your sisters and friends they need to take you out to make up for it too. Your DD sounds sweet, and Your DS sounds totally normal- good for him remembering. Well done. X

YANBU.

I feel most sorry for your lovely dd here .

Perhaps have a look at how both of you and your work choices/travel impact on her

Your post sounds like she had a particularly bad deal out of your birthday/not birthday

It sounds to me that the H (why DH? doesn't sound very D) forgot OP's birthday, possibly feeling sorry for himself/put upon and then when he realised he'd fucked up, tried to paper over it by blaming OP. In which case he should own to his failings, apologise properly for forgetting AND for trying to deflect the reasons, and make amends.

DD should not have been sent to bed without food, although I can all to easily picture how that went. 20yo DS can fetch his own car!

yanbu - If it were me I would have been mega p----d of at dh (? Still dh?) because he failed to understand how much your dd had been looking forward to celebrating your birthday. She was hurt and upset and not just because she had not had tea but because she had not been able to spend time with you on your birthday - something you say she had planned for a while. Your dh completely missed the point, if I were you my hurt would have been because he trivialised something which meant a lot to my dd and so caused her distress unfairly.
I have a dd like yours and a ds at uni - I would never miss seeing my ds for my d--k of a dh.

There are so many points raised but...

He didn't forget my birthday - he knew it was my birthday but decided it should go unacknowledged.

I don't care about the sodding birthday but I do care about the lack of love he has shown me and DD and the fact that instead of saying sorry I was a dick let's move on he is still blaming me and DD for sulking and thinks he has done nothing wrong.

He was away for two weeks prior to my trip . It wasn't an ideal handover but I had everything sorted out for the house to run smoothly and was welcoming when he came home. He travels all the time and I don't meltdown in indignation on his return.

I didn't intentionally not feed DD and was very upset the next day when I found she had nothing to eat.

It was a very casual arrangement with DS and he genuinely seems unbothered. I don't like driving his car as its a 12 year old old banger. I'm not keen on him driving it though it's well maintained, serviced and MOTed. I'm now looking into replacing it given he thinks a car is needed at uni for genuine course related reasons so hopefully no one thinks I'm unreasonable for letting him drive it. At home it was only used for short runs so felt less worrying.

We're not busy trying to keep up appearances, we own our cars and don't have sky tv, but we both have demanding jobs. We work in the same field but DH earns three times as much as me - hence is main breadwinner.

I didn't raise anything on Tuesday because I was befuddled and also I fully accept adult birthdays should not be a big deal. I didn't realise how upset DD had been made until we spoke the next day. I've subsequently raised my upset using some of the advice on here, but he feels I am totally unreasonable and he has done absolutely nothing that requires an apology. So I still can't get over this and act like nothing has happened.

He is mostly fine but does these massively dickish and hurtful things periodically and it's always up to me to shrug my shoulders and move on.

Your hubby doesn't sound very nice at all! If I had fallen asleep then my hubby would have asked if I wanted to do my cards and gifts the next day and would not have sent my DD to bed before she could give the presents. He sounds like he's having an affair, is this possible? Sorry. Poor DS to get caught in the cross-fire but I also wouldn't want to be in the car after what had happened!

Did he say why he feels justified? Has he given any reason why you or DD deserved that treatment?

Why does he think you're unreasonable?

Baffling.

Yanbu. I agree with other comments as sounds like he was the one sulking at being left on his own for 10 days and took it out on you by not acknowledging your bday and being mean to dd. I would arrange something lovely for you and your dd to do together without him. I would also tell him how upset this has made you as he comes across as not caring about you or dd feelings. If he stil doesn't hold his hands up to being a dick then I would continue to be pissed off with him, stop doing things for him that you usually do as he obviously doesn't appreciate you very much. You both sound so busy though OP that perhaps you need to arrange some time out together once you're on better terms. Also if you have the money then consider some help with all the chores your having to do. The amount of hours you both work plus running a house sounds very stressful. If you have the money then book a holiday you both sound like you need a break and some quality time together! Happy birthday too sorry you had such a shit day x

He obviously feels that his time and convenience matters more than yours. Maybe because he earns more? ? (Struggling to understand his mindset ).

I think you are going to have to pull him up on this every time or it is going to get worse and worse. He shows a lack of respect and kindness for you and the rest of the family imo.

Is it worth thinking about counselling? Would he listen to someone else?

Don't think he is having an affair, but if he is it's definitely in the place where he mostly works and was not an explanation for his mysterious decision to sit outside DD's rehearsal. He does work incredibly hard and I think that time will have been on calls to USA where he has direct reports and it was still the working day.

We do have cleaner, gardener, ironing service etc so my running the house isn't actually scrubbing bathrooms and mopping floors. It's more just keeping it all together.

We're due to go away at October half term already, but I currently have mixed feelings about that trip. It's long haul, couldn't get a refund now and involves others so will be making the best of it.

Thanks for nice advice and good wishes from so many people. I haven't worked out any next steps and not sure now there is much else left to say.

Why not just ask him not to return after his next trip?

There's some seriously 1950s attitudes back on this thread.

So OP has to go away with work for a number of days and prior to this makes sure the cupboards are full and all the house stuff is sorted. She comes back to no recognition of her birthday, not even a gesture, and no food in, no housework done. I just don't see how some MNers can justify the husband's behaviour here. He has treated his wife and daughter appallingly.

Really sorry you havr experienced this. Have not got any advice except would counselling help?

He is totally on wrong and it sounds like pride holding him back from recognising this.

It sounds like there's more wrong here than the birthday issue, if you can't stand to be around him (when you barely see him as it is) and DD wants you to separate. Maybe a sit down and a frank conversation about your feelings and the state of the marriage is required. I hope you can find a resolution OP, whatever that may be

I don't understand people picking on you cos you didn't go to see your son. Maybe you should have gone, but I'm sure he is so happy he is getting a car that he won't mind coming to you instead.
You aren't been unreasable,tell him how you feel but life go on and you can't be upset forever. Next birthday plan something yourself, and have a wonderful day with your children ( and husband ) if you feel like it
Happy birthday anyway

I read the thread and although I know the point is about how your dh has let you down, I'm just mostly struck at how God damned busy your lives are.

Living seems squished between the margins, somewhere before 5am or after 10pm, wedged between one work trip and another. I couldn't keep that pace up without feeling as though everything I needed to do was a burdon, I suppose this would extend to birthdays.

I don't know, maybe I'm a lightweight.

It sucks that your dh made you feel insignificant op, it sucks that your DD went to bed without dinner, it sucks that you are beyond it with your dh.

I hope it all improves for you. Maybe a holiday wouldn't be a bad idea?

I don't accept that adult birthdays "shouldn't be a big deal" or that to want to have that joy is childish. I think they ought to be celebrated - along with all other positive things in life - wholeheartedly. It's not difficult to buy a thoughtful gift with the internet - and you can even have them wrapped up. People ought to feel special one day of the year. I would be really hurt and upset by your DH's behaviour as well.

I know that life gets busy (and yours does sound extraordinarily so) but if you don't have time for the little, caring things what is the point?

I really don't get this thing with adults making a huge deal about birthdays.

Good for you, bunnyfuller, then don't you celebrate them. For quite a lot of us, though, they are important, so we get to decide that.

And I am sick to death of these (mostly) men who, when in the wrong, as he clearly is, get all defensive and huffy and try to pretend they're the offended party. It's the behaviour of giant toddlers. 'You are!'

I'm with Teatowel on this -'everybody seems to have completely over reacted'

Your husband should have made more effort and it is hurtful for your birthday to be ignored. But you did say that the night before he suggested a takeaway for your birthday evening and you laughed as he suggested food from the country you had just come from. Why didn't you just say ' I don't fancy x but how about y - maybe you can bring it in when you come back from rehearsal with DD and we can all eat together.... Sorry, but I don't get why you sat there with no food.

I don't understand adults who don't talk to each other and sort things out. You all sound exhausted. Why not put it behind you, go out to dinner with DH and talk frankly about what went wrong and why you are so upset and decide how to move forward. There seems to be a lot of sulking on both sides, which is really destructive.

Damned difficult to talk about things when one of the parties is intransigent.

I'm sorry - YANBU at all. He has been uncaring and you have every right to feel the way you do. I'm afraid I haven't read every page of the replies but it does sound as though this is symptomatic of a much wider problem, probably caused in part by your hectic work schedules. I know from personal experience how that can harm relationships.

. I just can't imagine that scenario happening in our house; it would be like forgetting Christmas day. Lots of advice f hirom everyone else - just from me.

Yanbu ! Your husband has behaved like an ass! I'm sure his birthdays never go by unoticed or ignored. Shame on him for not looking out for your daughter. ... though me at 14 would have went and made food regardless lol Your son is old enough to come get his own car. That is not on you!!
Organise a day out with your daughter friends and sister , pampers yourselves and spend what you like eat out stay in a lovely hotel. Take lots of pictures and tell him nowt. No invites . Then when you come back make it very clear in future that if he does not acknowledge any special occasion then you shall treat him exactly the same way, and let him know how much he had hurt your feelings. I had this happen to me on mothers day... still makes me bristle!! Believe me if he gives a damn he won't make the same mistake twice!

Belated birthday wishes mamma we all have to stick together xx

Birthdays are special , women bring up their kids to make them special .Men don't seem bothered and expect their wives to understand that. That doesn't excuse his behaviour since though.
Having said that , I think your daughter may be right . Could your job keep a roof over the head of you and your daughter ?
Would you be happier ? and have you yourself thought of leaving previously ?