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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not move on from how DH handled my birthday

363 replies

Desolee · 09/10/2016 13:15

On Monday I came back from a ten day work trip - time difference where I had been was plus five hours.

Tuesday was my birthday. In the morning I was up at 6, made DH coffee and DD breakfast before leaving for work by 7, birthday unacknowledged.

That night DH had taken DD to a rehearsal before I got home from work. They should have been home by 9, but DH detoured via the supermarket and they arrived home at 10. He'd previously waited outside DD's rehearsal in the car for 1.5 hrs, 5 mins drive from a supermarket, though I guess he will have been taking work calls for some of this. By 10 my body clock said 3am and I'd fallen asleep, but was fully clothed, not in bed.

DD who is 14 had spent the previous few days trying to organise presents and cake as she thinks birthdays are important. However DH's action on getting home was to send her to bed, unfed. (I hadn't made dinner as birthday person never previously has in our house.) Apparently she was very tearful at this point. He roughly woke me up and told me to go to bed. I was initially confused, asking what about DD, then upset and hurt when he said she'd just gone to bed. He didn't offer me even a cup of tea and when he didn't acknowledge my birthday or, in fact, me at all, I went rather tearfully to sleep in spare room, thinking both of them had ignored it.

Next morning he left for a work trip at around 5am. After speaking to DD who was still upset and hearing from her what happened the night before I sent him short message to say unilaterally cancelling my birthday was hurtful and cruel to both of us. A few hours later got a response to say it was crossed wires and he thought I'd fallen asleep for the night.

He came back on Friday night. No attempt to make anything up or reference to the missed birthday. Yesterday he spent out at his hobby though he did do some lifts for DD. Today we should have been going to visit DS 1.5 hours drive away. DS has decided he needs his car at uni so DH was going to drive it up then both drive back in my car. I said I didn't want to go and could he go with DD and get train back and I'd collect them from local station. I wanted to see DS but couldn't face spending the day with DH. I really don't like driving DS's car so couldn't propose the arrangement in reverse. Anyway in the event he has rung DS to say we now can't be bothered to go and poor DS is coming down on the train to retrieve his car.

DH has apparently told DD I am sulking over my birthday. I don't think I am sulking - I genuinely think I am entitled to feel hurt over this. It isn't specifically about cake, which I very rarely eat, or presents - we're not short of money and within reason I can have whatever I want so would never be waiting for nice make up or boots or a specific book or whatever. I just feel so sad that this is the amount he cares about me and DD's feelings. However am I making too much of it?

For full disclosure I'm in my mid 40s so it wasn't a significant birthday. My parents are away and both of my sisters and two best friends also forgot my birthday so perhaps this is skewing my reaction?

OP posts:
MNHQ
LisaMumsnet · 10/10/2016 17:49

Huge hug to you Desolee and a big bunch of Flowers. Happy Birthday from MNHQ!

DaisyBernardMimiTinker · 10/10/2016 17:50

You are not being unreasonable at all! Your husband behaved like a Dick. He should apologise with gifts!!! Or at least flowers!!!

Do not back down, as a mum we get very little time when we are made to feel special and after a very busy trip the least he could have done is got his lazy arse out of bed and made you a cup of tea.

I feel so sad reading this! Seriously, divorce him, take the kids and his credit card. Failing that explain in a strong way (don't cry/whimper/be sad) that he behaved badly by not acknowledging your birthday and you are hurt and disappointed. Explain further that to make up for it you and DD will be going on a trip/dinner/cinema etc which HE will be paying for and if he wants to join you he can... but only if he promises to behave towards you and your DD.

Be strong and remember you pushed two babies out of your vag for that bozo, a fucking card once a year is no way enough to acknowledge your brilliance! 😘

kiloh · 10/10/2016 17:50

He should have shopped while daughter was in rehearsal, to ensure she got back in time to eat and let you have your gifts from her, he was a knob for ignoring your birthday, and even more of one for dismissing daughters feelings and not allowing her to say happy birthday and forcing her to bed without allowing her time to eat, I'm not sure why the others are having a pop at you not delivering sons car to him, why should you he should be getting on the train to collect his car rather than having his family rearrange their day to hand deliver it to him! He's a big boy now, and if your worried about driving someone else's car fair enough!!!

DaisyBernardMimiTinker · 10/10/2016 17:52

Also ignore the haters banging on about your son, if he's at uni he's a big boy and more than capable of catching a train and picking a car up... don't fanny around after him otherwise he'all turn out like your husband... nuff said! 😘

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 10/10/2016 18:01

I'm with daisy!

3kidsandacat · 10/10/2016 18:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, I also would not have wanted to spend the day with DH either, I would offer to pay DS train fare.
Other than that I think you are totally in resin to be very pissed off with hubby, sisters and friends, your lovely daughter seems to be the only one who wanted to do anything, bless her she sounds amazing. oh I would ignore all birthdays from now on, if they can't be bothered why should you.

TWINS77 · 10/10/2016 18:11

Dear OP of course you are right to be upset, it is shitty not to make you feel special on your birthday! I would book a nice spa weekend away with your daughter to celebrate, eith your husbands card (it doesn't matter if all of your income is family income that you don't separate) it would make me feel so much better! Have some quality time with the person who wanted to make you feel special on your birthday!

mintthins · 10/10/2016 18:12

YANBU. Your DH is however being horrible. Belated happy birthday, and I hope you can resolve this soon.

TWINS77 · 10/10/2016 18:16

Ment to say WITH YOUR HUSBAND'S CREDIT CARD!!!

MissyMoooo · 10/10/2016 18:19

YANBU at all I'd have been fuming! Go for a nice spa day with your DD. Happy birthday Smile

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 10/10/2016 18:20

Sorry to hear this. This is horrible. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for not mentioning your birthday and it making it up to you also for your daughters sake. What kind of example of how you treat people is that?! Sounds like you need to be the arranger next time so you can all do something together for all your sakes, don't leave it to chance. Your son also sounds selfish that he didn't combine a visit on his own mum's birthday and collect the car himself. I would go out with DD and have a lovely day out shopping and lunching and rub DHs nose in it. Don't forget his birthday, make a real fuss and show him up.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2016 18:21

It's gone all 'hunsnet' or whatever it's called since LisaMumsnet's post. I hope it's not catching.

OP, I imagine that you have actually moved on now and your annoyance with your husband's lack of consideration. This is a conversation that you would have with him of course. Decent parents don't co-opt their children into taking 'sides' and that goes for both parents equally.

You're a family and you need to find your way through this - whether it's as a couple or not - but you're still a family and whatever has brought this to a climax on your birthday needs to be sorted out so that everybody knows what's expected for special events with general considerate behaviour as a default.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/10/2016 18:22

x-posted with MumsTheWord

mycatwantstokillme1 · 10/10/2016 18:24

OP, sorry I haven't RTFT, I gave up at p3 because all the posts moaning at you for not going to see your son really pissed me off! Especially given the fact that he then told your son it was because you couldn't be bothered, blaming you for everything when he could have driven up & got the train back.

YANBU in any of this. We always celebrate birthdays in our family, regardless of the age. We don't celebrate it with flash expensive presants but with something small, cards and a birthday tea with a cake. It means an awful lot, because it's the thought that goes into it rather than how much money is spent.

Is he always like this? If so you need to have a think about if you want to spend the rest of your days with someone that is so thoughtless.

PS And you & DD should go somewhere yourself and treat yourself to make up for it.

whatkatiedidnext31 · 10/10/2016 18:35

What an arsehole! Yanbu!
I would be very upset by this...has he been like this before or is it just a one-off shit episode?

bettytaghetti · 10/10/2016 18:41

Happy belated birthday OP; sorry your day was so shit. FlowersCake
May I suggest you have a fun night with DD with cake etc and watch Sixteen Candles. Love that movie!

Are there any other signs that you and DH are drifting apart? You both seem to live very busy lives. Do you still manage to have some fun together?

Do have to ask this question though; just exactly what was he doing for an hour and a half whilst your DD was in her rehearsal??

BerylStreep · 10/10/2016 18:42

Can I just add my tuppence worth that I don't think you should drag your 14 year old DD into what is essentially an argument between adults, by going on spa days or meals or whatever. It's simply not fair on her to be dragged into the middle, no matter what she thinks.

I think you should try to move past the birthday debacle and book a meal out for you, DH & DD when he gets back from his trip. Don't make it a belated birthday meal. Just a meal out in a calm and enjoyable fashion. See if you can salvage some normality from this.

twixxy · 10/10/2016 18:59

However busy you are, however jet lagged, however much you are ships that pass in the night, how can you forget the birthday of someone you've been married to for over two decades and how hard is it to at least call or text and say happy birthday even if you've barely seen each other that day. It's not up to you to remind him and it's not about expensive gifts. It's about thought, caring and courtesy and he's demonstrated none of these. Oh and it's irrelevant that you were asleep on the sofa at 10pm. He'd already had 22 hours to give you card or acknowledge the day in some way.

Memoires · 10/10/2016 19:02

Write him a proper note, not a text, outlining what has actually upset you so he can't shrug it off as sulking about no present. Ensure he really understands about dd - tbh, the idea of her beavering away making your cake specialy for Tuesday evening, and then being angrily sent to bed, almost makes me tearful! - and about not feeding her and basically how sad it is that a grown man is so clueless domestically.

Take dd out for a slap up meal on Friday night, or maybe Saturday night while he stays at home reading your note.... Wink

Pollyanna9 · 10/10/2016 19:04

He sounds like a proper bell end to be honest OP.

He could have gone and bought ready meals from the supermarket for everyone to eat, and a cake, and some wine, and flowers and pressies.
He could have pre-phoned ahead for your favourite takeaway.

I am so sick of women making excuses - christ almighty, are men so absolutely incapable that they need to be reminded it's their own wife's birthday? My DD is 14 and is already planning my birthday at the end of November! He has NO excuse, per-thetic, really.

BUT, as others have said, you sound quite downtrodden and timid. I remember back when Dr Phil used to be on Oprah and one of the things he said was "Your life is like it is because you make it that way". Meaning, only you can change it. If you don't like it, change it.

If you don't like the way things are you HAVE to rise up and you HAVE to change them. Sounds like there are quite a few aspects of your life and of your relationship and of him and his personality (or lack thereof) to evaluate and decide what you want to do. Even blatant in your face black and white logical description of how a man has erred can be lost on them so you can rest assured, simmering resentment and imagining all the ways you'd get back at him or get shot of him will COMPLETELY go over his head, it won't even register. So by not tackling it, you are actually accepting it.

You sound like you are a very nice lady (and I am so sorry about your birthday, it was properly shit and for DD too (which is utterly unforgivable)) but if you feel like crap after being so badly and thoughtlessly treated ask if you want to keep feeling that way and keep seeing DD disappointed when she's doing something kind and selfless... if the answer is no, only you can change it.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you have a much better bday next year - don't worry anyway, it's my 50th at the end of November and I have no one to spend it with and no friends so there you go, it's all good right?!).

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 10/10/2016 19:12

Shock at your lack of concern for the DD food and your poor DS!
You and your DH sound pretty well-suited - poor kids Sad

LittleOwl · 10/10/2016 19:21

Dear OP

My heart goes out to you- and I hope you manage to move on soon Flowers

The behaviour sounds disrespectful and hurtful. is your DH stressed and his current behaviour out of character?

Hope you manage through this

YouTheCat · 10/10/2016 19:28

MrsGuy, how exactly was the OP supposed to know her dd hadn't already eaten, given that she was at work? Why should that fall to her to do when it was her husband who was looking after their dd?

And why is it 'poor ds'? The ds who could only manage to send a whatsapp 'happy birthday' - not even a card.

mycatwantstokillme1 · 10/10/2016 19:31

MrsGuy, what a rude post - everything youthecat said.

sarahs999 · 10/10/2016 19:34

OP, happy belated birthday. FWIW I would have been very hurt too. The expectation of a little acknowledgement on your birthday is hardly an unreasonable one, whatever the Mumsnet hardasses think.

However, no one has mentioned that not only did your DH not make any fuss of you, but neither did your two sisters or best friends. This is almost sadder than the home situation. Did they ever wish you a happy birthday? Would you normally expect some fuss from them?