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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can park in a disabled space?

153 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 09:13

Background: my father is 92 and (thankfully) no longer drives but has a disabled parking ticket from the last couple of years of driving. He is up and down with physical health and finds walking difficult. My DM is 86 but pretty fit and active and does everything, going into town every day etc. If he is OK to walk a short distance, he will go with her but otherwise, he stays at home.

My DM is very reluctant to leave him, partly because the last time I took her for a day out to London, he had a terrible accident which could have been much worse. If he's not feeling too good, she will make a mad dash around the shops and get back to him - on these occasions she will not use a disabled space. Yesterday she and I went into town (she drove) for specific things for him, which she ended up not getting because it was a Saturday and there were no spaces other than disabled ones. She would not park in these because the disabled ticket has his name on it, so he ended up doing without as she was too concerned to leave him for too long.

I know that parking spaces are often discussed on here and I am prepared to be told that IABU for telling her that on this occasion it was OK (she didn't anyway, but this will happen again) - and I genuinely don't know the protocol.

OP posts:
Blu · 09/10/2016 22:53

"You might also want to have a conversation with both of them about not refusing to do things that will make their lives easier."

And while your about it, OP, could you have the same conversation with my parents?

Because they won't listen to a word I have to say on the matter.
Wink

(op you are very polite - you don't have to keep responding to the people who have not RTFT. They have ignored your numerous posts withy your update, an ignore theirs).

sixtyfeelsixteen · 09/10/2016 23:11

Yeah they are really strict with blue badges Wink. I went to a dinner recently and there was a couple there, who were worried they might get fined as the wife had been caught, using her husband's expired 2015 blue badge, which she had altered to say 2016, so she could use it in her car. I heard later, she had got away with it. The "disabled" husband, by the way, had just come back from a walking holiday on Dartmoor!

MyWineTime · 09/10/2016 23:16

To people saying its against blue badge rules for the disabled person to stay in the car whilst the other goes shopping etc., you're wrong.
The instructions say you should try to avoid this, not that you mustn't do it. It's absolutely fine to do that in order to eg collect prescriptions.
The instructions absolutely do not say that!
It is very strict, black and white. You can only use the BB if the disabled person is getting in or out of the car. No other circumstances at all.

Peanutandphoenix · 10/10/2016 00:59

No your mums right unless the person named on the badge is with you then you can't use their badge you will get fined if your caught using someone else's badge without them being present.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 10/10/2016 08:10

Blu Grin
It would be lovely if people of 92 and 86 were going to change magically in their approach because of my words of wisdom. It took them ten years to "downsize" to a four bedroomed house after we all left home, despite complaining about the floors that were never used. I would still rather have this problem than plenty of others involving older parents - we (siblings and I) know how lucky we are.

OP posts:
WappersReturns · 10/10/2016 08:31

I also agree that the two issues are separate. Get everything your dad needs delivered, and you and your mum go for a nice cup of tea and a cake instead of shopping! Much nicer than her dashing about trying to get what they need, she can have a nice browse and a bit of time out with you without the horrible pressure.

Groceries and prescriptions delivered and she can actually enjoy getting out but leave when she feels your dad needs her home!

Bulbasaur · 10/10/2016 09:26

In theory, no she's not allowed. In practice, they look at the badge itself and move on, they don't dig to find out if each badge belongs to the driver, or one of the passenger. You won't get caught for it.

But if you park in a disabled space, someone else like your father who needs the space won't be able to and may also have to do without. How would you feel if you couldn't find a disabled space for your father because people were abusing the system? That's probably what your mother was thinking of.

You'll just have to do without or take a bus so you don't have to worry about parking next time.

londonrach · 10/10/2016 09:31

You can only park in the disabled car park space if the person who has the badge is there and gets out of the car. Watch dont get dom on bbc1 in the morning as they take disabled badges off people who its used incorrectly and one such case was on. Husband used wifes badge to pop out to get something for her. Badge was removed and wife had to reapply.

ginghamstarfish · 10/10/2016 10:29

I have a Blue Badge (for about a year now), and am utterly dismayed at the way these seem to be abused by those who don't need that extra space or proximity to shops whatever. Every time I park in a disabled space, I see others there who jump out of the car, with no apparent problem (yes I know there are hidden disabilities), or those leaving grandad in the car so they can use his badge, meanwhile obviously frail or struggling elderly folks are parking in the normal spaces. I think BBs need to be policed, albeit at the risk of offending some people, and 'elderly' parking spaces provided for those who can't get a BB but struggle walking.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/10/2016 10:37

I have a Blue Badge (for about a year now), and am utterly dismayed at the way these seem to be abused by those who don't need that extra space or proximity to shops whatever. Every time I park in a disabled space, I see others there who jump out of the car, with no apparent problem (yes I know there are hidden disabilities

I'm utterly dismayed at your attitude eapecially as you have a BB!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/10/2016 10:38

**especially

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/10/2016 10:39

You should be the last person to judge another on their need for a BB.

StStrattersOfMN · 10/10/2016 10:52

gingham I probably look like that on a good day. What you don't see is me returning to my car, exhausted and wheezing audibly. I can only walk short distances before I have issues with my lungs, and my use of a disabled parking space is to make sure I can make it back to my car.

Before I admitted to needing one, I was virtually housebound.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/10/2016 11:00

Yes quite Stratters, I'm the same. I can pass quite well for someone who jumps out of their car but 5 mins later I'm hanging onto the shopping trolley to keep me steady and it's all I can do to drive home.

StStrattersOfMN · 10/10/2016 11:04

Oh yes, I'm exactly the same, need a trolley to hang on to. Hospital suggested one of those wheeled support things, but I'm only 49 and I can't bring myself to. It's been a tough year adjusting to the new me.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 10/10/2016 11:06

I remember talking to you on another thread about BB's,so glad you got one and it's making a difference.Smile

I know what you mean about adjusting Flowers

CaroleService · 10/10/2016 11:10

I feel for you, OP. My parents were like this.

That generation, the wartime generation, would sooner chop off their own leg than ask for help.

In your place, as the fruit of bitter experience, I would be pressing not just for them to access some help, but for them to move outright to somewhere with a lift / on the ground floor, and closer to you.

In for a penny, and all that ...

weegiemum · 10/10/2016 11:14

Getting used to asking for help is something they're going to find hard but it needs done. I had to start using a wheelchair at age 41or never go out but it took me three years to try a Mobility scooter from Shopmobiliy and it's given me my independence back and I can be take the dc shopping without relying on dh.
I know that it's harder to adapt when you're older, but can you try again - most elderly folk don't want to be a burden, but they have to understand that it's you taking up this burden and they could enjoy their time with you on the weekend more if it wasn't all impotand tasks.

WeAllHaveWings · 10/10/2016 11:47

we have similar problems with my mum (frail and widowed).

I can't convince her it is better to get her shopping online and we spend quality time together at a garden centre, park etc having a leisurely chat. She'd rather we spent the time we have together struggling around Tesco getting in the weekly shop and complaining to staff about the size and cost of a tin quality street. Hmm Wont even use self scan to make life easier, its got to all go onto the conveyer belt and be packed her way (slowly).

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 10/10/2016 12:10

I'm genuinely grateful for all the suggestions, but I do know my parents and what they're like and they really won't do anything until they decide they want to. The PP who said "wartime generation" has it spot-on. They are both totally competent in terms of mental faculties and my DM is physically as fit as I am. They will most definitely not be told or even encouraged to do anything (they would find it patronising and possibly impertinent of me) and, in honesty, they are not a burden at all. They live quite close enough already and my DM has driven me to various epilepsy related hospital appointments in recent months. She is as huge a support to me as much as I try to be to her.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 10/10/2016 12:14

Excellent post Weegiemum

My parents have similar mindset to OP's and it's very difficult. I have tried describing the need for 'help' at their advanced age as having a distinct advantage: The advantage that for the vast majority of their adult lives they have been completely independent, have steered the course of their lives in the way they sought fit, and have been able to have a lifestyle of pretty much their own choosing. I genuinely think that is hugely lucky.

Nothing terrible has befallen them when younger to require them to rewrite their future and live in a way that would not be of their choosing. All of their life 'plans' have pretty much come to pass.

So many people in a huge variety of ways (me included) have had something(s) befall them much earlier, which means their life now needs to go on a course that would not be of their choosing and require a lot of outside 'help' that they would much prefer not to have to need.

I am sure were I in same position as my parents and at that age, I too would find it hard to adapt and allow 'help'. But I hope I could also see how fantastically lucky I was that I'd not needed it until the point where the unavoidable physical reality of old age was felt.

Touchmybum · 10/10/2016 13:04

Lord, some people have very little understanding of, or sympathy for, elderly folks... newsflash, this will be you one day if you are lucky to live that long!! I can understand why older people don't want to accept the inevitable effects of ageing. I think it would be pretty mean to restrict an 86 year old lady from nipping in for a prescription for her disabled 92 year old husband, especially when you see some of the people who do use the spaces.

I once parked in a parent and child space with my elderly father. My mother was in hospital terminally ill, and he was exhausted with the stress and upset, as well as hospital visiting. I said to him that I probably shouldn't park there as it was a 'parent and child' space, and he said, "well, I'm the parent and you're the child!" He died a week later quite suddenly. I would do the same again in a heartbeat.

Toffeelatteplease · 10/10/2016 14:50

Touchmybum It's not kind to suggest she does it and lose the blue badge as a result.

Parent and child aren't governed by the very specific rules that disabled spaces (certainly council owned) are. If you don't understand those rules it is not a kindness to comment.

Sometimes realism is a kindness.

BTW you might see us as a family getting out of a car. on a good day we might not bother getting the wheelchair out because it is good for DS to get a bit of exercise. On a good day for a short walk we might look like were taking the mick. But frankly you really don't have a clue.

Lweji · 10/10/2016 15:15

I once parked in a parent and child space with my elderly father

Hardly the same as taking a space from a wheelchair user, for example.

Lweji · 10/10/2016 15:18

They will most definitely not be told or even encouraged to do anything (they would find it patronising and possibly impertinent of me)

I've had recent experience of this and it is hard.
But, what seems to have worked is to talk about the possibilities, then leave them to decide what and when they need support.

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