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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can park in a disabled space?

153 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 09:13

Background: my father is 92 and (thankfully) no longer drives but has a disabled parking ticket from the last couple of years of driving. He is up and down with physical health and finds walking difficult. My DM is 86 but pretty fit and active and does everything, going into town every day etc. If he is OK to walk a short distance, he will go with her but otherwise, he stays at home.

My DM is very reluctant to leave him, partly because the last time I took her for a day out to London, he had a terrible accident which could have been much worse. If he's not feeling too good, she will make a mad dash around the shops and get back to him - on these occasions she will not use a disabled space. Yesterday she and I went into town (she drove) for specific things for him, which she ended up not getting because it was a Saturday and there were no spaces other than disabled ones. She would not park in these because the disabled ticket has his name on it, so he ended up doing without as she was too concerned to leave him for too long.

I know that parking spaces are often discussed on here and I am prepared to be told that IABU for telling her that on this occasion it was OK (she didn't anyway, but this will happen again) - and I genuinely don't know the protocol.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 09/10/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 09/10/2016 12:02

Ohtheroses, read the thread.

OP has possible epilepsy, so is prohibited from driving by the DVLA. She has said this in several posts.

Epilepsy is a notifiable condition for the DVLA. If it is uncontrolled, in early stages of diagnosis and/or there are still doubts and questions they will suspend your licence, even revoking it for good if necessary. My DH has a cousin this has happened to.

OP, this is very hard for you all. My MIL was very reluctant to accept help as her illnesses and mobility problems advanced. I even remember her hiring a wheelchair to take on a holiday with us, but refusing to ever sit in it and be wheeled along. Instead, she just wanted to use it like a zimmerframe on wheels and walk along pushing it herself. So the problems remained even with the chair. It was actually very frustrating, though we had to try not to show that.

You have my sympathy.

OhTheRoses · 09/10/2016 12:26

Apologies, I hadn't read the full thread.

I'll be flamed hugely for this but shove a second hand child seat in the back and park in parent and child space. When you are with her parent and child are shopping. I've never seen an age limit posted and in your circumstances it's reasonable.

runs, very fast

TheFairyCaravan · 09/10/2016 12:37

Technically not, morally...I think she should be able to. In the last 2 weeks of pregnancy my spd was so bad I was using a wheelchair. No blue badge but I doubt anyone would have challenged us parking in a disabled space

A parking warden would have and you would have been fined.

I was in a wheelchair/bed bound from 26 weeks. We never used a BB space because I didn't have one. We started using them when I got my BB when DS2 was 3 my SPD hadn't gone away and I was still in crutches/in a wheelchair.

tofutti · 09/10/2016 12:38

Going against the grain here...

Is this a supermarket Disabled bay or in a council or private car park?

I know that my local Tesco are fine about elderly people parking in a Disabled bay without a blue badge if they need it. They don't fine anyone.

In the council/private car parks, yes, you would get a fine.

Scaredycat3000 · 09/10/2016 13:16

I know you know now OP.
As per PP it's breaking the law but who would question a little old lady? And that is precisely how MIL gets away with it and she knows it. She also brags about getting mobility VAT discount on her shoes. She doesn't give a shit that it is FIL that will and does suffer from her entitled behavior, it's his badge that will get taken away. I bet it's quite common.

Thinkingblonde · 09/10/2016 13:22

Does you dad get attendance allowance? Your mum carers allowance? I think its time for some straight talking among you all. I really do sympathise, we had this with my late in laws, Wr eventually got them to see that by accepting help it helped them to keep their independence for as long as possible.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 13:48

Topseyt, thank you for the understanding. Yes, it was a council car park and no, DM would not dream of flouting any rules. This isn't a financial issue - they always give back their winter fuel allowance as they don't need it - it's entirely one of pride and independence (well, my OP wasn't, but the fact that I appear to be rejecting helpful suggestions is). I had my MRI a couple of weeks ago but apparently need an EEG.

OP posts:
liletsthepink · 09/10/2016 13:54

Is your father well enough to sit in the car when your mother gets a prescription for him? Could he sit in a supermarket cafe with a cup of tea while your mother gets a few bits of shopping? The cafes are usually placed near the entrance.

If your father doesn't like going out or really isn't well enough it could be a good idea to find a carer to sit with him. Your mother needs to be able to get out and about while she is able to. Your father will object to having someone coming in but if he's told it's happening rather than asked he will have to accept it. My late DGM was very rude to the first carer that came in at first (a bit like the nan character by Catherine Tate!) but she got used to her and ended up actually liking her!

Couchpotato3 · 09/10/2016 13:54

Would he feel able to go with her in the car and sit in it while she goes into the shops? Then she could legitimately use the disabled spot, and if challenged he could just say he (genuinely) wasn't feeling well enough to get out of the car.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2016 14:16

Couch- unfortunately that's against BB rules although lots of people do it.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 16:25

On "bad" days he is unable to leave the house. I've just been to see my DM and discussed some of the above with her. Every single suggestion was met with "your father wouldn't like that" - even the panic button idea, which she put down to his pride, although I pointed out that nobody would know about it. This is how they are and at their age they are very unlikely to change. It is a little frustrating to say the least, but that's the way it is - for the moment, anyway. Thank you again for all comments.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2016 16:40

It's not all about your dad though-it's making things easier for her as well.

It's great that she wants to get out everyday, but that doesn't have to be driving somewhere, struggling to park & doing shopping.

Thinkingblonde · 09/10/2016 17:02

My FIL objected most strongly to getting cleaner in too, he even objected to a commode and incontinence pads for MIL. He made her commode out of garden chair with a hole cut in for a bucket. Stubborn old git.
The matter may be taken out of their hands if he is classed as a vulnerable adult if he has any more accidents.

Kaffiene · 09/10/2016 20:15

Waitross - you also acted illegally.

Not you OP but lots of people clearly don't understand that a BB is for someone with ...

a permanent and substantial disability which causes inability to walk or very considerable difficulty in walking.

These things aren't "perks" they often are the difference between people being able to get out and about. On a permanent, every day, forever basis. Not a broken leg, or a wobbly couple of days. Every day for the rest of your life.

You want my space Take my disability.

OhTheRoses · 09/10/2016 20:42

How do you cope with a father who thinks it's an elderly, frail woman's role to clean? Serious question.

NattyTile · 09/10/2016 21:13

To people saying its against blue badge rules for the disabled person to stay in the car whilst the other goes shopping etc., you're wrong.

The instructions say you should try to avoid this, not that you mustn't do it. It's absolutely fine to do that in order to eg collect prescriptions.

But that doesn't actually help with this situation, when OP's Mum wishes to leave the house whilst OP's Dad is sleeping.

I hope you find a solution. Prescription delivery services are great. Can see why your mother wouldn't want online grocery orders if she's not had them before. Although you might be able to sell them to her on not having to carry the shopping in from the car if that becomes an issue.

Not having carers in is a really difficult one. Would he accept your presence in the house so your mother could get a longer break at times?

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 21:19

OhTheRoses I realise that your question wasn't to me but my parents have a cleaner and a gardener - not that my mother is at all frail.

To those saying can't I stay in the house with my father while my DM goes out - I have five very long days at work and I ensure that I carve out parts of both weekend days if possible (and it isn't always possible, which she fully understands) for my DM. She wants to see me, not for me to stay with my father while she goes out! Besides which, I do not really know him at all and he wouldn't want me there - that's not personal against me, just the way he is.

OP posts:
StStrattersOfMN · 09/10/2016 21:28

I have a Lifeline button, it took me as long to get my head round the idea of it, as it did for me to come to terms with a blue badge. But now I have it, it's wonderful, I feel s much safer knowing I can still an ambulance t the press of a button - I can't speak if I'm having an asthma attack, or anaphylaxis.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 21:37

StStratters that's great that it gives you comfort. As a final note, I've just come back from an AA meeting (I've been in AA for years) and we end each meeting with the serenity prayer " .... the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference".

My father falls into the first category Smile

OP posts:
Noofly · 09/10/2016 21:38

This may have already been covered in the thread, but have you chever died if your mum would qualify for her own badge based on her age? Our council will issue a BB if you are 85 or older regardless of your health/abilities. My wheelchair bound mother got one when she was 86 based on age as it was the easiest route to getting one!

Noofly · 09/10/2016 21:38

WTF is chever died?? Ever checked!

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 21:40

Thank you Noofly, this was mentioned upthread and I am going to investigate.

OP posts:
Myredrose · 09/10/2016 22:02

Nattytile, no, you are wrong.

You should not use the badge to allow non-disabled people to take advantage of the bene ts while you sit in the car

As well as knowing this anyway, my grandmother was given a ticket for sitting in the car as she was she recipient of the blue badge.

ImAMoving · 09/10/2016 22:29

I worked somewhere where old people came for their blue badge applications. A Sargent major type came in, asked how far he could walk. He replied he could walk home after a full 18rounds of golf. He got a blue badge. I think you shouldn't be automatically entitled to one just because of age.
There should be another parking section for age of that's the case, not all elderly are disabled and wouldn't qualify for their own merit if it did.
Just like a friend saying she should get one for her 90yr old mother to go shopping. Fine but this is the 90yr old who walks 30mins to town and also does a keep fit class. She doesn't need to park near shops.