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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can park in a disabled space?

153 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 09:13

Background: my father is 92 and (thankfully) no longer drives but has a disabled parking ticket from the last couple of years of driving. He is up and down with physical health and finds walking difficult. My DM is 86 but pretty fit and active and does everything, going into town every day etc. If he is OK to walk a short distance, he will go with her but otherwise, he stays at home.

My DM is very reluctant to leave him, partly because the last time I took her for a day out to London, he had a terrible accident which could have been much worse. If he's not feeling too good, she will make a mad dash around the shops and get back to him - on these occasions she will not use a disabled space. Yesterday she and I went into town (she drove) for specific things for him, which she ended up not getting because it was a Saturday and there were no spaces other than disabled ones. She would not park in these because the disabled ticket has his name on it, so he ended up doing without as she was too concerned to leave him for too long.

I know that parking spaces are often discussed on here and I am prepared to be told that IABU for telling her that on this occasion it was OK (she didn't anyway, but this will happen again) - and I genuinely don't know the protocol.

OP posts:
MrsRhubarb · 09/10/2016 10:20

Nope, not her badge, she should not use it.

My DM has my grandads blue badge, which she uses if she takes him to appointments and things. She is the only person who drives him, as he can't get in other peoples cars, so it makes sense for her to hold on to it. However she has used it to park when nowhere else available when going to do shopping and things for him on her own. She does not see why this is an issue. My MIL is wheelchair bound, and cannot get in and out of the car by herself. We rely on disabled spaces when taking her out and so often can't get one because they are full, so we have to park illegally to get her out of the car and into her wheelchair, and unless me and DH are both with her we then have to leave her on her own (she is unable to move her chair herself) while we go and find a normal space to park in. The fact that my own DM contributes to this issue makes me furious, and I have told her as much. I suspect she still does it but makes sure never to mention it to me. If I ever see her do it, I will report her myself.

Has your DM considered shopping online? Going into town every day seems excessive.

RE: prescription. Take it to a supermarket pharmacy, always loads of parking so it wouldnt't be an issue. Or get DM to ask at GP for which pharmacys do a prescription collection and drop off service. They will have a couple locally they work with, and will sort repeats and extra prescription like antibiotics out for you and bring it to the door for no cost to you. One less thing to worry about.

Toffeelatteplease · 09/10/2016 10:22

Crochet as others have said it is not allowed and if reported could lead to the Blue badge being removed

lobster I wouldn't be keen on the wheelchair option either. IME wheelchairs whilst fantastic for getting someone around who wouldn't otherwise be able to they are cumbersome to manage in and out of cars and a lot of strain on the person pushing them. Fine if you are a fit and healthy adult less so an 86 year old woman. I do think a mobility scooter would be a better way to go if you have some forms storage that involves no lifting (wheel in wheel out). Often I think about them for DS but they are not quite the done thing for an 9 year oldWink

MissDuke · 09/10/2016 10:25

What a difficult situation Sad As you now c;ear;y know, although your suggestion seemed perfect, the reality is that unfortunately it just isn't legal.

I want to 2nd what others have said - about delivery services. Of course your mother can still go out for other things like milk etc. You could have even taken her for a coffee yday.

This nipping into town business sounds incredibly stressful for her anyway - you say she couldn't have simply driven around the block while you went to the chemist and couldn't drive to a different chemist with parking. She couldn't wait for a space because needed to rush back. This does not sound like it is benefiting her!

I would definitely encourage her to have essential items delivered and just shop for non essentials. I think you need to prioritise the prescription issue. Could you and your mum use public transport to go into town instead?

Toffeelatteplease · 09/10/2016 10:35

When nothing works as it should it have been really hard to feel like you have autonomy over anything.

As long as they are happy, clean and fed, It's OK to work within the parameters they are happy with because that ishe what they are happy with. Even if there are better solutions.

That can be really hard to deal with though.

jmh740 · 09/10/2016 10:35

You mention a sister in one of your posts could she help out? I imagine it must be very hard to adapt to the changes in your parents, Internet shopping, prescription delivery all sound like great ideas, could your sister site with dad while you and mum go for a coffee and a catch up then mum doesnt have to worry about getting back to him?

dancemom · 09/10/2016 10:35

You say he has a blue badge from the last couple of years - these do expire so you should check the date on it if considering using it when / if he is in the car.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:37

Thank you again for all suggestions - once again, I do accept that my DM should never use a blue badge space on her own. She doesn't like the idea of on-line deliveries in terms of groceries and she actually wants to get out every day when my father is asleep, so that she has a break. She would never use public transport (I have suggested this too). I realise that with this rapid deterioration comes a myriad of issues which I am happy to discuss with her, but she still sees me as her baby (I am 47) and the decision will very much have to come from her.

OP posts:
Perihelion · 09/10/2016 10:37

Feel for you. It's a nightmare trying to get practical support in place for older relatives when they still want to try and be independent. It's really hard to break through the denial about how they are declining......
I would also suggest seeing if there is a sitter service, whether charity or agency locally, who can come in few hours to give your mum a break.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:38

My brother and sister live further away and are not that close to my parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:40

Just to add, I am starting to sound self-pitying and I am not at all! My DM is an amazing woman, I wish I could help more (or rather that she would accept more help), I feel incredibly lucky to have her and am glad I posted as I am going to try to get round today to discuss some of this with her.

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 09/10/2016 10:44

"she would never use public transport" - oh dear Hmm

roasted · 09/10/2016 10:45

If your DM is adamant she wants to get out and the idea of having groceries delivered is untenable, what about getting in some respite care for a few hours? Something like this? www.homeangelscare.com/Services

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:49

roasted thank you - for normal people, this would be a great idea. My father would not consider it. He is a very remote man, a German former PoW and if I say that I have never had a conversation with him, I would not be exaggerating. He does not like other people being involved.

I will ask my DM to consider all of these options though.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 09/10/2016 10:51

Why couldn't you and she just have tucked yourselves to the side of the car park row you wanted to park in to wait for ten minutes for someone to move on?

I think you need to learn to drive.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:54

OhTheRoses it is a very busy car park. As above, I have suspected epilepsy which I have informed the DVLA of and am not allowed to drive.

OP posts:
minmooch · 09/10/2016 10:57

It is frustrating but the disabled bays are there for people with a disability so if your father is not with her then as an able bodied person she has to park elsewhere.

When my son was alive he had a blue badge. He used a wheelchair. He had terminal brain cancer. To get the blue badge was difficult enough (horrid, horrid person in town council). The times I had arguing with drivers sitting in their car in the disabled space waiting for their oh to do a quick bit of shopping. I'll only be here a moment. It made me weep on many occasion as getting out and about with my son was hard enough without having to park miles away whilst an able bodied someone sits there just for a few minutes.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2016 10:57

I think you need to learn to drive

I think some people should RTFT.

Good luck OP, it's really hard when parents suddenly age seemingly over night.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 11:00

Thank you Dame - it is, but it's happened to me much later than to plenty of others, for which I am very thankful. The damned epilepsy hasn't helped, obviously!

OP posts:
BowieFan · 09/10/2016 11:00

Strictly speaking she's not supposed to do it, so she's right. But I can see your point of view as well and I don't doubt that this happens quite a lot if someone is getting things for the use of the person with the badge. I think most traffic wardens turn a blind eye to them.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 11:01

minmooch yes, I honestly appreciate that now and apologise for even thinking that it might be OK.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 09/10/2016 11:04

Oh Lobster I'm sorry it sounds so hard for all of you Flowers

It's such a shame that there's not anyone available that your Father would feel happy to have stay with him,I do get it!I have fought so hard to have mine my DH's voices and our childrens voices heard over my care.

Your poor Father has obviously been through so mcuh in his life I hope your able to find away to make everything work for you all.

loobyloo1234 · 09/10/2016 11:10

Oh Lobster

You don't have to keep repeating that you know you are BU - some people need to RTFT FFS Hmm

Sounds like a very difficult situation for you and your DM. Maybe you could call the council to explain the situation and see if there is anything they can do in regards to her getting her own badge? As a carer?

AndNowItsSeven · 09/10/2016 11:13

Crotchet they aren't allowed , they are breaking the law.

DixieNormas · 09/10/2016 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 09/10/2016 11:24

Technically not, morally...I think she should be able to. In the last 2 weeks of pregnancy my spd was so bad I was using a wheelchair. No blue badge but I doubt anyone would have challenged us parking in a disabled space!

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