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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my mother can park in a disabled space?

153 replies

LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 09:13

Background: my father is 92 and (thankfully) no longer drives but has a disabled parking ticket from the last couple of years of driving. He is up and down with physical health and finds walking difficult. My DM is 86 but pretty fit and active and does everything, going into town every day etc. If he is OK to walk a short distance, he will go with her but otherwise, he stays at home.

My DM is very reluctant to leave him, partly because the last time I took her for a day out to London, he had a terrible accident which could have been much worse. If he's not feeling too good, she will make a mad dash around the shops and get back to him - on these occasions she will not use a disabled space. Yesterday she and I went into town (she drove) for specific things for him, which she ended up not getting because it was a Saturday and there were no spaces other than disabled ones. She would not park in these because the disabled ticket has his name on it, so he ended up doing without as she was too concerned to leave him for too long.

I know that parking spaces are often discussed on here and I am prepared to be told that IABU for telling her that on this occasion it was OK (she didn't anyway, but this will happen again) - and I genuinely don't know the protocol.

OP posts:
Thinkingblonde · 09/10/2016 09:53

The op says in her original post that the only available spaces were in the disability spaces.

Op, some pharmacies do home deliveries.
It sounds as if your mum could benefit from some extra support, do they have a call alarm installed at home? My mum had one, she wore a pendant with button on, if she fell or needed help she pressed the button and the centre it was linked to would ring her, if she didn't answer the call they sent someone round to help her. She paid for it out of her Attendance Allowance.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 09/10/2016 09:55

I think if she's buying things for him she's ok

You're wrong.

ohtheholidays · 09/10/2016 09:57

No,please don't ever tell your Mother to do that they could and would more than likely take away your poor Fathers disabled badge!

They would penalize your poor Dad because in they're eye's he'd have been allowing his badge to be used for fraudulent reasons!

I do get it,I'm disabled myself and 2 of our 5DC are disabled but if I ever forget to take my disabled badge out with me we don't park in a disabled bay.

If your Mum used a disabled bay that she's not entitled to that could be the last available disabled bay for someone that has a right to use it.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 09:57

Thinkingblonde - this is also something that I will suggest to her, thank you.

OP posts:
a7mints · 09/10/2016 10:00

can he come with her and sit in the car

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:00

I really do appreciate that the unanimous view is that IWBU. This is all quite new to me - earlier this year they were abroad on holiday and the deterioration has been quite swift.

OP posts:
diddl · 09/10/2016 10:02

Just noticed that it was for a prescription in which case delivery is a good idea.

specialsubject · 09/10/2016 10:02

The rules are clearly written on the badge. You can use a space if the badge holder is in the car, or if you are collecting them from that space. So you can park near the door of wherever they are. This second case is a bit nerve wracking as I park and walk to meet the badge owner, who may be waiting inside on a seat. I hope anyone tutting waits until they see us returning.

No other use allowed.

MrsJayy · 09/10/2016 10:04

You dad could hire a wheelchair most towns have shopmobility so he could go with her your mum needs to start working out strategies to cope

FurryLittleTwerp · 09/10/2016 10:05

Most chemists will deliver prescriptions if asked, even emergency prescriptions on the same day.

Sometimes the arrangement is with them, sometimes it's with the GP surgery. It would be worth your mum asking about this.

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:07

MrsJayy my DM has suggested the wheelchair option and my DSis has offered one that belonged to her own DH, but my father will not hear of it. I agree that they will need to work out strategies.

OP posts:
Jessbow · 09/10/2016 10:08

Officially, No, you cant leave the disabled person in the car in a blue badge parking space while you pop into the shop.

The badge is to enable the disabled person, Not whoever is driving them ( in this instance)

SuburbanRhonda · 09/10/2016 10:08

The other thing you could do, as you obviously live close enough to her to pop over at the weekend, is to pick up the prescription one evening after work and drop it in to your DF. Most pharmacies have at least one late opening a week.

SuburbanRhonda · 09/10/2016 10:09

Just read your update, OP.

You might also want to have a conversation with both of them about not refusing to do things that will make their lives easier.

USbound · 09/10/2016 10:10

Wow.
To the poster who said it's fine to go shopping from a disabled space in someone's behalf.

No OP you cannot tell your mum to park there. You shouldn't be parking there if your dad isstaying in the car and not getting out either. Nor if say your mum dropped him at the door then went to find a space, then picked him up from the door. she would have to park in a normal space. Hospital disabled car parks are full of people doing this.
You could sit with your dad at home and let your mum go shopping?

ohtheholidays · 09/10/2016 10:10

I get it OP,it's a big shock for all of you and it will take time for you all to know how to deal with what's going on.I became disabled within a day,it's taken all of us a while to get used to what's happend.

With not wanting to leave your Dad is there anyone your Mum could get to sit with your Dad whilst she's out,someone competent that your Dad and Mum would be happy to have in the house alone with your Dad?

It would be a real shame if your Mother stopped feeling like she could go out without your Dad when he's to poorly to go out.

Lweji · 09/10/2016 10:12

I don't get it. Two of you went shopping and returned home with nothing because she couldn't find a parking space?
Why didn't you get what she needed while she drove around?

But, I'd do as others suggested and get the pharmacy to deliver.

BlossomHillOne · 09/10/2016 10:13

Why didn't you just get out of the car and pick-up the prescription whilst your mum drove around the block. There was no need for your Dad to go without.

Toffeelatteplease · 09/10/2016 10:13

To be really blunt you are conflating two issues that don't have the same solution.

The first is that she needs to get out. She doesn't need to get out to the shops so that shouldn't be linked to the parking issue. The answer is she as a carer needs some kind of respite. Someone to be there so she can get out. If there are no likely options in friends and family, you have to involve social care to do this. If neither of them will contenance this and I totally get why, this problem really doesn't have a solution.

Your Dad missing out on stuff because they cant get out does have a solution. Internet shopping has got us through periods when genuinely we have not been able to get out but we have needed stuff have needed stuff. You can also order for them, IE you put through the order for an alternative address, so they don't have to work Internet shopping themselves.

It's not being harsh it's just looking at what can be improved for your mum and Dad within the bounds of what they are happy with.

rollonthesummer · 09/10/2016 10:13

Also better maybe that she doesn't go into town on a saturday if the parking is that bad. Aim to get important things in the week when it's quiet?

CrotchetQuaverMinim · 09/10/2016 10:14

Around here, people who are disabled and have a carer come daily seem to be allowed to let the carer use the disabled badge to park near their house (on double yellow lines - there is no other parking nearby), which always seemed reasonable to me as the carers probably couldn't visit enough people otherwise if they had to park at the shopping centre 10-min away and go back and forth every time.

I imagined that other similar circumstances would be allowed too, but I don't know. I've never had to know the details, so it's interesting to read exactly what is allowed.

FurryLittleTwerp · 09/10/2016 10:15

If your father is being too stubborn & prepared to cut of his nose to spite his face about the wheelchair, then he'll be missing out.

My own DF did this when terminally ill - unfit to go hiking with his mates & refused to go out for country drives with them instead. After a few boring weeks he accepted his friend's offer to be driven to a beauty spot & go bird-watching as that was completely different to hiking & so he wasn't "losing out" Grin

Original poster
LobsterQuadrille · 09/10/2016 10:15

ohtheholidays thank you, that's exactly it - all your points. No, they are fairly isolated and all their local friends have died already. If I'm working in London, I don't get home until late so I can only really help at weekends and they have a huge sense of pride and independence which, yes, they will need to adjust to, but that will have to be at their own pace. I will suggest various PPs' comments but ultimately it's up to them. I am very close to my DM and I know that she lives for the time that I can spend with her at weekends, so she would never "sacrifice" that for me to stay at home with my father, whom she will generally only leave when he is asleep. As you say, it's all about adjustment.

OP posts:
FurryLittleTwerp · 09/10/2016 10:16

*off his nose

ovenchips · 09/10/2016 10:20

Hi OP. Your question has already been answered but things sound v tricky - hope you can all figure some things to make things a bit more doable.

No-one wants 'help' but if the difference is being able to nip out for a bit for some groceries and prescriptions or not get those essentials, then your parents NEED to make some different choices.

It's very hard to say you need/ want help (I know this from bitter experience) but things get so much better with even a little bit of help/ practical changes to make things more manageable. Good luck.