Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my kids to have my name? Divorce literally on the cards!

131 replies

Jugglingallthebollocks · 07/10/2016 23:19

So this is actually a deal breaker for me and I'm ready to divorce I feel my husband is being so unfair.
Our kids are 8 and 10 and have always had my husbands surname. I didn't change my name when I married 12 years ago as I am a bit of a feminist and I have a professional career that I am well known by my maiden name. When we had kids he was unmovable that the kids had his surname only.
Fast forward a few years and now the kids want my name too, I travel a lot with my children alone and I'm sick of getting stopped at customs as we have different names. This happened again recently hence me bringing up the discussion again.
He is adamant they can not have my name, I've suggested they take it as an extra middle name but still no. His argument is that it's disrespectful to him.
He's not a Neanderthal in any other way, is very hands on, does lots of childcare.
I'm perhaps more pissed off than I should be as I'm paying off a HUGE debt of his (I'm the higher earner and have taken on extra work to sort this) that he hid from me so I'm still angry about this and kind of feel 'it's my right' for my kids to have my name too.
So AIBU?

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 21:24

*he is a low earner

Graceflorrick · 08/10/2016 21:26

Mine have both names, for this very reason.

hollie11 · 08/10/2016 21:34

Thanks tribpot

WeAllHaveWings · 09/10/2016 10:31

If your children want your surname they should have your surname. They are old enough to decide.

They are 8 and 10 year old with parents on the brink of divorce, with a mother now arguing the toss over their names when she has much bigger issues. The poul souls should not be put in this position of having to chose if they want what their mum wants or what their dad wants when they probably don't give a shit themselves.

Op needs to get her priorities right.

tribpot · 09/10/2016 11:11

The parents are not on the brink of divorce, despite the misleading thread title. The children have requested the additional name. OP is proposing to add it as a middle name.

Marynary · 09/10/2016 12:10

Slightly off topic but I do understand OP's irritation at being questioned at passport control because she has a different surname to her children. Fortunately, to date, I have always travelled with DH and the kids but, if I was travelling by myself and the children, the idea that I might need a letter of permission from DH but he would not need one from me (because he has the same surname but I don't) really really irks me.
In this day and age, they really should not be using surnames as evidence that someone is the parent of children. Apart from the fact that having the same surname isn't really good evidence of parentage as some surnames are very common (e.g. Jones in Wales), they should have more sophisticated methods of checking that someone is the parent.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 09/10/2016 13:28

The parents are not on the brink of divorce, despite the misleading thread title.

And the op is using the football commentators 'literally' to mean figuratively (Rooney's mishit that shot so badly it has literally gone into orbit) I guess the only reason divorce could be literally on the cards would be if hallmark started issuing decrees absolute

QueenLizIII · 09/10/2016 15:09

She's threatening divorce over it though.

She already gets her own way and is the decision maker in everything else by her own admission. This is the only thing her dh has and she wants to threaten divorce to get another middle name added which wont even change their surname.

She is crazy and controlling imo.

Marynary · 09/10/2016 15:54

I think the DH is being just as crazy and controlling to refuse to let the children have OPs surname as well as his in the first place though. My DH didn't want our children to have a double-barreled name because he thought it sounded stupid (probably true) but I am sure that he would have agreed if I had insisted.

QueenLizIII · 09/10/2016 16:03

It probably did sound stupid.

One of my friends had saddled her children with a 7 syllable double barrelled name as she wouldnt leave hers out.

Both kids have long names and middle names.

So what happens when these double barrells get married to double barrells if everyone does this. Quadruple barrells?

The DP isnt crazy when his wife drives everything and he provides the childcarr and housekeeping to allow her to do so.

If it was gender reversed you'd all be calling a male op a controlling cunt.

TheLaundryLady · 09/10/2016 16:05

If your DH won't agree there's nothing you can do.
You both have parental responsibility so you would need his permission.

Marynary · 09/10/2016 16:09

So what happens when these double barrells get married to double barrells if everyone does this. Quadruple barrells?

I think that in Spain (where everyone has two surnames), the children will take one surname from each parent. I think it is a very good system.

Marynary · 09/10/2016 16:16

The DP isnt crazy when his wife drives everything and he provides the childcarr and housekeeping to allow her to do so.

And yet in household where women do all the childcare and housekeeping the children almost always have the father's name.

If it was gender reversed you'd all be calling a male op a controlling cunt.

I think that if it was gender reversed there would be more sympathy for the OP actually.

myfriendnigel · 09/10/2016 16:20

I have a similar issue and feelings around my kids not having my name.i am about to be divorced so it now pisses me off more than ever.ex said he would put dd1's second middle name down as my surname when he went to register her-then claimed he forgot.Didnt do it for dd2 as she would then be different to dd1.
Both have said they would like my name added and will do so as soon as they are old enough to do so.
If he can offer no better reason than 'it's tradition' then test isn't good enough if it's important to you. It's not as if they won't be having his name still or even have it as a noticeable change-the name will just be on their somehow.he is being ridiculous.

aprilanne · 09/10/2016 16:20

its simple just change your name to hubbys .my hubby would find that a slight on him as well .this seems to be more about the debt than the name .you cannot use the debt as a bargaining tool just to get your own way

clam · 09/10/2016 22:11

Hmm aprilanne.

Have you read the thread AT ALL???? Why the fuck should she change her name to her husband's? She's explained all that. Why is it any more of a slight on him than it is on her for him to refuse to entertain the idea of her adding her name to her children's? Unless he's an arse, of course.

aprilanne · 12/10/2016 07:19

thankyou clam yes i read it .everyone is entitled to there own opinion are we not .i was just giving mine

MewlingQuim · 12/10/2016 07:36

I had the same problem with my name being linked to previous work so I couldn't change it without losing that link.

My solution was to double-barrel my name so that there is a link to my previous work and a link to my DH and my DCs surname. Research scientists often do this which is why so many have double barrelled names!

sashh · 12/10/2016 08:33

If it is just the customs/immigration thing you could have an 'observation' added to their passports.

I do find it strange when men get stuck on this, it is purely a patriarchy thing. I have a lovely friend who actually gave up work to be my full time carer so I can work. He normally hates any form of discrimination but then he found out 'race for life' is women only and he didn't like it.

He talked about turning up to a race in a dress. It took my ages (as in weeks) for him to realise a) why the race is women only and b) why I was upset at him and not the 'discrimination' against him.

Try asking him what actual difference it would make to him them having your name as well as his. Are these his children or his possessions? Does he want to pee on them to mark them as his? How is he going to react in 6 years when your eldest changes their name to your only? Wouldn't he prefer both names rather than just yours?

HyacinthFuckit · 12/10/2016 09:08

Funny that posters are berating OP for caring about something as unimportant as a name because all that matters is the kids are healthy, while conspicuously failing to apply the same logic to DH.

Also LizIII, either OP and DH both have their father's name, or they both have their own. Pick one and go with it. Alternatively, the DC have OPs FILs name not DHs. Same principle.

HyacinthFuckit · 12/10/2016 09:09

Funny that posters are berating OP for caring about something as unimportant as a name because all that matters is the kids are healthy, while conspicuously failing to apply the same logic to DH.

Also LizIII, either OP and DH both have their father's name, or they both have their own. Pick one and go with it. Alternatively, the DC have OPs FILs name not DHs. Same principle.

mum11970 · 12/10/2016 09:31

Unfortunately this is something you should have insisted on when registering the children. It's too late now. Divorce or not, their names cannot be legally changed without his permission. You didn't need his permission when registering the birth, but you do now.

chilipepper20 · 12/10/2016 09:54

What countries are you traveling to where having different names is such an issue?

I have two DD and they travel on a different passport from me. DP is different ethnically, so neither DD look like me a huge amount.

But their names are double barrelled. Even so I get questioned on our relationship when travelling.

tribpot · 12/10/2016 12:29

I don't know what your experience is chili, but the only place I get questioned about the names is the UK, i.e. during re-entry.

user1474627704 · 12/10/2016 12:32

It's too late now to talk about whether they have your name or his name, they have their OWN names. You can't just change it because you feel like it. They are people, not posessions.

You could have stood up at the time and registered them in both names or your name, but you didn't. You might regret it, but you can't just change their names now, even if you legally could without their fathers agreement, which you can't.