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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my kids to have my name? Divorce literally on the cards!

131 replies

Jugglingallthebollocks · 07/10/2016 23:19

So this is actually a deal breaker for me and I'm ready to divorce I feel my husband is being so unfair.
Our kids are 8 and 10 and have always had my husbands surname. I didn't change my name when I married 12 years ago as I am a bit of a feminist and I have a professional career that I am well known by my maiden name. When we had kids he was unmovable that the kids had his surname only.
Fast forward a few years and now the kids want my name too, I travel a lot with my children alone and I'm sick of getting stopped at customs as we have different names. This happened again recently hence me bringing up the discussion again.
He is adamant they can not have my name, I've suggested they take it as an extra middle name but still no. His argument is that it's disrespectful to him.
He's not a Neanderthal in any other way, is very hands on, does lots of childcare.
I'm perhaps more pissed off than I should be as I'm paying off a HUGE debt of his (I'm the higher earner and have taken on extra work to sort this) that he hid from me so I'm still angry about this and kind of feel 'it's my right' for my kids to have my name too.
So AIBU?

OP posts:

AbernathysFringe · 08/10/2016 00:08

If they want to change it when they're old enough it's not long to wait. Print out the letter template for parental permission to travel on MN for when you fly. The hassle of doing that should be on him really since he's being stubborn about this.

My DC has my Xps last name because it's more common and easy to spell than mine, but I put mine in as a 3rd middle name (instead of double barrelling, which I'm not keen on), for airport purposes. I know couples who have changed to the women's surname and even one where they both changed to the woman's aunt's surname because of it's social connotations! Your DH's mindset is so old-fashioned. But I guess you'll just have to ride it out and hope they still want to change when their old enough to do it themselves.

Whathaveilost · 08/10/2016 00:10

Something to be said for having one family name when possible!

DelphiniumBlue · 08/10/2016 00:11

The children could just start using the additional name, and then do a Statutory Declaration when they are older, saying that they have been known by the new name for however many years. His permission would then be irrelevant. They can use whatever name they want, provided its not for fraudulent purposes.
But seriously, he's saying the inexplicable disrespect angle trumps the practical issues that your kids have to deal with? He's being a knob.

Collaborate · 08/10/2016 00:20

You could almost be me and my wife given most of your circumstances.

When we got engaged she made it clear that she wouldn't take my surname. Not a problem, but I said it was important to me that the children have my surname. Not a problem for her. It's one of the burdens that society places on a man.

Anyway, nearing the birth of our first, she asked that the child when born has her surname name as a middle name. How could I say no? It works well for both of us.

But for you to change it now? Not the same. But I'm on the fence with this one.

Prole · 08/10/2016 00:29

I don't think it's normal for kids to give their names much thought

I don't agree. My mother laid on heavy pressure to change my name after her divorce came through. It was all part of a purge where every photo and evidence of my father (and my lovely gran) was destroyed.

I was 11 and refused. My name is MY NAME and it remains to this day.

You might have your reasons for changing the childs' names but do they?

hunnybunny619 · 08/10/2016 00:40

Ok, I've skipped a few msgs here as things seem to be goign round in circles a bit but this is what we do....

I work professionally under my maiden name.
At home, I use my married name so my passport, drivers licence, bills, everything else is in my married name.
My passport has a note in it to say that I work under my maiden name in case work trip tickets are booked under the wrong name etc.

So, can you swallow this for the sake of peace and just change your name at home? Keep your maiden name for work? I just think its sad that you're involving the kids in this but maybe I've missed the point. It's brutal and I can see why you're resenting this OP but you missed your chance when registering their names and now something's got to give without tearing the family apart surely?

I wasn't particularly thrilled to take my DHs name, perhaps I rolled over too easy but there's other things to be bothered about in life and in the end I just don't care anymore, but that's just me.

ollieplimsoles · 08/10/2016 00:47

If the kids want to use their mums maiden name as their middle name and keep their current surname but op husband is refusing, they will resent him for it and just change it themselves when they reach 16.

Kel1234 · 08/10/2016 00:48

As long as he has parental responsibility, you can not legally change your children's surnames without his consent. Only they could change it via deed poll once they are a certain age, or by marriage should they wish to.
It sounds like you perhaps should have pushed more for them to have both names from the start.
I mean sure you could ask people who know you to refer to your children with your surname, but it would never actually be LEGAL, unless he agreed you could change it.

UrethaFranklin · 08/10/2016 00:50

They are your children, you gave birth to them and nobody can change that fact. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things whose name they have? They are happy and healthy, surely that is the most important thing.

Kel1234 · 08/10/2016 00:56

But it does seem very strange that he wouldn't allow it from the off.
(I always knew that I would take my husband's surname when I got married. And I couldn't wait to change my name after the wedding. And naturally our child, as well as any we have in the future, have our name.
And even if we hadn't of been married when our first baby came along, he or she would always of got his or her dads surname only, because I still would have changed mine when we were married.
However, if I felt differently and wanted to keep my own name, or to give our children my maiden name as well as his, he wouldn't of had any problem with that. But if I said I wanted to change it at a later date, I could understand why he may be upset.)

EddieStobbart · 08/10/2016 01:12

I didn't change my name. The DC have DH's surname but have mine as a second middle name (so they have first name, middle, my surname, DH surname). I don't like double barrelling either. I hadn't thought about it being helpful when travelling, that's a useful observation. My name is unusual and I had wanted the kids to keep a connection to it.

Whathaveilost · 08/10/2016 01:15

They are your children, you gave birth to them and nobody can change that fact. Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things whose name they have? They are happy and healthy, surely that is the most important thing.

This, there is too much squbbling in the world over stuff that really doesn't matter in the scheme of things.
You missed your boat to be fair.

19lottie82 · 08/10/2016 01:47

What would we be saying if the kids had your name at birth and your DH was kicking up a stink 10 years later wanting to change their names now?

I'm sorry but I think you should wait and if they want to change their names when they are of age, fair enough.
I don't believe they decided of their own free will,without any persuasion, at the ages of 8 and 10 that they want to change their names?

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 02:08

I'm the main and high earner and he does most of the afterschool childcare so I can do my job.

Does he feel it is all you you you and he is in the shadow. Hence why he wanted them to have something just his.

Original poster

Jugglingallthebollocks · 08/10/2016 07:53

This is exactly what I want to do! Just add in my name as a middle name. I surprised so many think I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jugglingallthebollocks · 08/10/2016 07:55

Sorry that was meant to quote Eddie-

OP posts:

abbsismyhero · 08/10/2016 08:00

For the sake of peace can you not use your married name on your passport?

Or cant you use your marriage certificate as evidence of name?

Velvian · 08/10/2016 08:01

I have a double barrelled surname that is one half my eldest son's & one half my younger daughter & son. Can you double barrell you own name to take the kids' name & continue using your own name professionally?

Guavaf1sh · 08/10/2016 08:09

YABU- they're not babies it's way too late to be messing with their names in order to extend the feud with your husband. Changing them now at this stage because of disagreements about debt is totally unreasonable and you should have nipped this in the bud not recruited your children in a fight with your DH. Velvians suggestion is a good one. If it was genuinely about ease of customs travel that is...

DetailedConfusion · 08/10/2016 08:13

YABU.

If you'd wanted your surname in there, the time to argue about it and stand your ground was when they were born. You've missed the boat now.

And I don't believe for one, tiny minute that the dc really want your name tbph. Kids crack on with the name they have and creeping doubts or dissatisfaction with their name generally only creep in when placed there by a parent IME.

You just have to accept that their names are what they are. Divorcing your dh won't change that so you need to move on.

gettingtherequickly · 08/10/2016 08:18

Could you all have the same name?

My name is important to me, so when we married DH and I became Mr and Mrs Myname Hisname. It works quite well.

GeorgeTheThird · 08/10/2016 08:18

Does he feel as though the change of name is a precursor to you leaving him, do you think?

DoinItFine · 08/10/2016 08:19

If your name is their second middle name, then they can start using it as their surname from right now if they want to.

LOL at a thieving cunt who is forcing you into paying off his debt having a leg to stand on with regard to "tradition".

Traditionally he would support himself financially and earn more than you and not steal mobey by soendibg more than his share secretly.

Tell the nasty fucker to pay his own debts.

Separate from him financially and tell your kids they can use whateber surname they like.

Sorry you married such a completely shit man.

NotYoda · 08/10/2016 08:21

It seems to me that this issue just points out his rigidity - and that probably he's rigid in all sorts of ways that make him difficult to talk to.

OTOH, you say that he is not, so I'd want to know why he can't be more clear about what worries him.

DoinItFine · 08/10/2016 08:23

Kids crack on with the name they have

What all of them?

100% of the time?

It has never happened in the history of the world that a child has asked to change their surname?

I must tell my ciusin that she is imaginary and that internet wankers don't believe in her.

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