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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my kids to have my name? Divorce literally on the cards!

131 replies

Jugglingallthebollocks · 07/10/2016 23:19

So this is actually a deal breaker for me and I'm ready to divorce I feel my husband is being so unfair.
Our kids are 8 and 10 and have always had my husbands surname. I didn't change my name when I married 12 years ago as I am a bit of a feminist and I have a professional career that I am well known by my maiden name. When we had kids he was unmovable that the kids had his surname only.
Fast forward a few years and now the kids want my name too, I travel a lot with my children alone and I'm sick of getting stopped at customs as we have different names. This happened again recently hence me bringing up the discussion again.
He is adamant they can not have my name, I've suggested they take it as an extra middle name but still no. His argument is that it's disrespectful to him.
He's not a Neanderthal in any other way, is very hands on, does lots of childcare.
I'm perhaps more pissed off than I should be as I'm paying off a HUGE debt of his (I'm the higher earner and have taken on extra work to sort this) that he hid from me so I'm still angry about this and kind of feel 'it's my right' for my kids to have my name too.
So AIBU?

OP posts:
Lessthanaballpark · 08/10/2016 13:07

"but add in mine as a middle name (although ideally I would want double barrelled but will never win on this)"

But it's not about winning is it? It's about fairness and it's hardly fair to insist your wife gives up her name when you aren't prepared to give up yours.

DoinItFine · 08/10/2016 13:22

This is literally the ONLY thing ever my husband has put his foot down over

Well, apart from when he decided to spend money he didn't have and force you into paying off his debt.

HeadDreamer · 08/10/2016 13:36

moonpuddle I used to live in a country where women kept their maiden names on documents.

Is this a Chinese country (or anywhere in the Far East). It's customary to stay with your birth name your whole life. You never change it because doing so implies you have something to hide. Children are given the fathers name. If you are from a different ethnic group I don't think customs ask. I have never been but I suspect it's because I'm Chinese. If they do then they will have to insult all the Chinese tourists! I keep seeing this problem in mumsnet which never happened to me.

pseudonymph · 08/10/2016 13:36

Does he feel as though the change of name is a precursor to you leaving him, do you think?

I agree with this. I am against women changing their names on marriage, and I think your solution for your children's names was entirely reasonable when they were born.

But the fact that you didn't insist on it then but are insisting on it now suggests that the dynamic in your relationship has changed recently (also the fact that you casually mention divorce in your thread title). Are you thinking about leaving? And if so, is it really because of the name problem?

Marynary · 08/10/2016 14:14

I think that you are both making too big a deal out of this. If you felt so strongly about the issue of names then you should have insisted in the first place.

I have a different surname to DH and my children have his surname rather than mine. If I had realised that it may be an issue when travelling I would have insisted on them having both our names but it doesn't seem worth the fuss now. They are now 13 and 16 so it won't be an issue for that much longer anyway.
Don't you just have to take photocopies of marriage and birth certificates?

Chewingthecrud · 08/10/2016 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatStewie · 08/10/2016 14:37

Tbh, your kids could just start using your surname on forms they fill out if that's what they want. My eldest changed her surname at 10 - on her bank account, GP & school records. As long as there is no intention to defraud it's fine. If they've asked and he's refused even to allow it as a middle name, well, 16 year olds are notorious for doing their own thing. It's entirely possible they'll do it and he'll have to suck it up.

Hiding debts is the real problem. That's not a sign of a healthy relationship. That is far more concerning than the name issue
(In which he's being a complete arse but it's a point he will lose in the long run)

Beebeeeight · 08/10/2016 15:11

It's one of the burdens that society places on a man

What a ridiculous statement!

Op you have my sympathies.

There's not much you can do though. Divorce won't fix it either.

Bythebeach · 08/10/2016 15:17

If you are 'a bit of a feminist' , why on earth do the kids have his name anyway? Why not one each or both yours in the first place? I don't think names are the issue now but resentment for the debt....

BombadierFritz · 08/10/2016 15:18

customs stop you even if the names are the same, well they always ask us anyway. I agree with you 8 years ago, but it seems pointless adding another name now. let them decide themselves in a few years time.

phillipp · 08/10/2016 15:26

We get stopped at customs all the time. Even when dh is with me and we all have the same name.

They ask the older one when her birthday is, when her brothers birthday is. They ask the younger one is name etc.

This won't stop it.

You both sound ridiculous. Everyone is alli g him controlling but you are the one threatening divorce if you don't get your own way.

You do realise, since he is the one that does most of the child care and the lower earner, this could backfire on you spectacularly, don't you? And even then, you won't be able to change their name.

It's hard to comment on the debt unless you say how he ran it up. I have seen plenty of women, who are the main carer and lower earner, get lots of sympathy for running up debt here.

hollie11 · 08/10/2016 15:43

What happens at passport control if you are travelling with a child with a different surname to you? Do you have to take their birth certificate aswell?

SandyY2K · 08/10/2016 16:20

If you felt so strongly about it, you should have insisted on it from the beginning. Why would he agree now, when he didn't years ago.

I think YABU.

Something this important to you should have been agreed before marriage. Now it just seems like because you earn more, you want them to have your surname and that's not nice.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2016 16:23

To divorce over it seems like a massive overreaction and bordering on blackmail if you've told him you'll divorce over it.

So you get divorced, you still can't change their name without his permission.

I'm married and we all have the same surname. Customs stop people randomly.

tribpot · 08/10/2016 16:31

hollie - I am routinely asked about my relationship to ds when travelling. Last time I produced a photocopy of his birth certificate (no interest in the notarised letter of permission from DH I had obtained at vast expense due to travelling to the US and wanting to be ultra-careful).

Like many MNers, my experience is that I am only ever asked on re-entry to the UK, which is weird.

SandyY2K · 08/10/2016 16:34

*This is literally the ONLY thing ever my husband has put his foot down over, I am definitely the driving/decision making partner in all other areas. Perhaps this is why he feels so strongly?

Probably is.

If you get your way on everything else, then let this go.

EatsShitAndLeaves · 08/10/2016 17:14

I don't think what you want is unreasonable, but bluntly I think it's a battle you should have fought and won when you registered their births.

You ultimately let your DH have his way and now it could be construed that nearly a decade later you are still perpetuating the argument and additionally using your kids to collude against your DH.

I think this issue is more about you than your DH and from what you post there are clearly other issues at play.

I think honestly you should take a step back and ask yourself what this is really about...

allegretto · 08/10/2016 17:17

I think the time for putting your foot down has now passed! I wouldn't change names now. I also don't get the problem with travelling with them - actually having a name change is likely to lead to MORE problems rather than fewer.

tribpot · 08/10/2016 17:38

To be clear, the OP is proposing to insert an additional middle name into her children's names, at their request. Not changing their surname.

Comtesse · 08/10/2016 17:50

I cannot believe the number of posters who think the OP should change her name so they all "match". Seriously? No way!

But I don't think you can probably change the children's names now. Sorry.

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 18:59

You do realise, since he is the one that does most of the child care and the lower earner, this could backfire on you spectacularly, don't you? And even then, you won't be able to change their name.

Yeah with him, as the main care giver getting residence and the OP providing maintenance and getting contact.

And they'd still have his name.

Cherrysoup · 08/10/2016 19:52

Being married to a man who is such a tremendous cunt that he bullies his wife into not having her name attached in any way to the children she gestated and gave birth to is not at all a minor matter.

What the actual fuck? Are you on glue? Have you RTFT?! Sounds like the OP mentioned this to her DH only outside the registry office. It's something that should've been discussed before the children were born. Sounds like the OP has had a chat with the children and 'helped' them decide that they want her name too.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your children to have your name and I think the whole taking your husband's name is ridiculously old fashioned and possibly misogynist, but it's a bit late for whinging now. Professionally, I've kept my maiden name, I fail to see why I should give it up, but with children, it should have been discussed way before they were due to be registered.

camena · 08/10/2016 20:02

DD has my surname (and DH's as a middle name). DH says from time to time that people will assume she's mine from a previous relationship not his. He's not bothered by this but your DH might be OP?

DD, incidentally, is immensely pleased by the idea that she has both of our names, and she's only two. Kids understand the relevance of names.

LikeDylanInTheMovies · 08/10/2016 20:04

Well, apart from when he decided to spend money he didn't have and force you into paying off his debt

Isn't it funny how 'its all family money' and 'you're a team' goes out the window when it's a high earning female poster. Also I note that no one has reminded the op that it is her husband doing the domestic and childcare tasks that allows her to be a high earner.

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 21:23

This is literally the ONLY thing ever my husband has put his foot down over, I am definitely the driving/decision making partner in all other areas. Perhaps this is why he feels so strongly?

Just imagine for a second that a female poster wrote this about their DH.

He does the domestic work and childcare that allow her to earn highly. He is s liw earner. Maybe he has run up debts as he doesnt have access to her bank account and is a low earner so what is he supposed to do and live on? This would be called financial abuse where a woman on the receiving end of it.

She admits to being the decision making partner in all areas of their lives. Does DH have a choice?

Now she wants her surname added as a middle name to her DCs names or she threatens divorce.

I feel so so sorry for this man. He is a hen pecked husband.