To want my kids to have my name? Divorce literally on the cards!

[Jugglingallthebollocks]

So this is actually a deal breaker for me and I'm ready to divorce I feel my husband is being so unfair.
Our kids are 8 and 10 and have always had my husbands surname. I didn't change my name when I married 12 years ago as I am a bit of a feminist and I have a professional career that I am well known by my maiden name. When we had kids he was unmovable that the kids had his surname only.
Fast forward a few years and now the kids want my name too, I travel a lot with my children alone and I'm sick of getting stopped at customs as we have different names. This happened again recently hence me bringing up the discussion again.
He is adamant they can not have my name, I've suggested they take it as an extra middle name but still no. His argument is that it's disrespectful to him.
He's not a Neanderthal in any other way, is very hands on, does lots of childcare.
I'm perhaps more pissed off than I should be as I'm paying off a HUGE debt of his (I'm the higher earner and have taken on extra work to sort this) that he hid from me so I'm still angry about this and kind of feel 'it's my right' for my kids to have my name too.
So AIBU?

DoIn

I agree.

I understand there is more to this than just boarder control, but having the same name as your kids doesn't stop the questions. I have been asked about my relationship with the kids, full names, dates of birth etc, the kids have been questioned about who I am, where their father is etc etc. We all have the same name.

I don't think having mothers name as a middle name should be a problem when registered at birth. I think adding it in now is a bit strange, and won't solve all the traveling issues, or reduce your resentment to what is happening in the rest of your life.

OMG at all the women on this thread suggesting you solve the issue by changing your own name.

OP, it's a sad fact that something so normal as keeping your name in the 70s is now unusual again. Your husband doesn't care about all you have done for the family. In his eyes only his name counts because of his penis tradition.

I don't blame you for considering divorce.

It is a terrible shame that your STBX won't agree for your children's sake. When your first child was born, you were probably still getting over the birth so don't get upset with yourself for not standing up to him at the time. Get on with your lives and be happy. You may be able to get advice from the CAB for travelling abroad with your children. If they still feel strongly, they can change their names at 16 but by then, the urgency may have worn off.

I can see where you are coming from but I think you are having this argument 8/10 years too late.

Names are important - they are part of our identity. You know that, that's why it was important to you to keep your maiden name. I think that is particularly important to give your children maximum emotional stability right now as their parents divorce and that precludes altering their names. If it really is a severe inconvenience when travelling it would be much to change your legal name to match theirs. You could still use your maiden name at work.

I had my surname changed when my mum's new husband adopted me at age 8. At the time (if asked) I would have said it didn't bother me as I loved my new dad, but this post has made me realise I wish it hadn't happened that way. I was not an animal to have a name change forced on me. I wish that they had waited and let me decide whether or not to change it in my own time.

I did what you want OP but from the outset. I saw it as a compromise, otherwise he'd have just one surname, but not necessarily DH's. I rather think you have missed the boat; you should have insisted at registration - why was his view more important than yours? I suppose the question for me is why the children care and how much. If they wanted to add something ridiculous as a middle name I assume you wouldn't support them. I'm not sure that they should be encouraged to get in the middle of a historic argument between their parents.

Collaborate why is it a burden for your child to have your name?

I think you're being a bit controlling actually. Do what I want or I will divorce you. The time to discuss this was ten years ago. If getting stopped at customs is such a pita take a letter from him with you or photocopies of their birth certificates.

You are not going to be able to change their names without his consent move on.

They are your children's names, don't dick about with them now just because you are getting divorced, the children will have enough to deal with without an adult putting this onto them too.

I mean, this is kind of one of those things that's happened years ago and now it's simmered over. Frankly if it was so massively important to you, the line should have been drawn before the pregnancy was conceived - "the children are having my name, end of discussion, if you don't like it there's the door." That way you continue at least knowing where you stand. Instead you had the argument at the registrar. And then, alarm bells should have rung. You had to make a choice - marriage and LETTING IT GO, or name. We had all this shit sorted out long before conception. You can't wait until the baby is born before having the 'what name?' conversation.

Now it's up again. And honestly I see your husband's viewpoint here. The kids are Billy and Bobby Smith and that's part of their identity. Why should they become Tilsbury because of a couple of overzealous passport operatives? It would feel like divorce by the back door. Slowly erasing your husband from the family unit. My family all has the same surname - I'd be very upset if my husband came home and declared he and the children were all going to go by a new name and I could piss off if I disagreed.

Tell the kids they can change their own names to whatever they want when they're 16. Until then, they bear the names on their birth certificates which you gave permission for. If they genuinely feel 'annoyed' by that, consider counselling - they need to get their priorities straight.

"It's one of the burdens that society places on a man."

Woa that's so manipulative it's almost genius! So you stopped your wife from passing on her name to her children according to her wishes and then convinced her that it was actually a burden for you to do so?!

I think you deserve a from the Patriarchy

I think OP confused this by putting divorce into the title of the thread. Most of us would feel that trying to change a child's name during a divorce is wrong and unsettling for the child, but the OP isn't divorcing her DH (although I would) - his attitude towards the children's name is making her think she might, but there are no current divorce plans.

OP, in adding your surname as an additional middle name, what are you expecting the effect to be? In day-to-day life the children will still just be known as so no-one will be aware that they have your name as a middle name - I don't think you particularly want people to know, that's not the purpose of it.

Will it stop you getting stopped at customs? If it's a middle name, no, I doubt it will. If it was their one and only surname, possibly - although there is evidence up thread of people being stopped even when they do have the same surname. And I think for simplicity all people travelling with children should have to prove the relationship via BCs and letters of permission. It is a compete nonsense that it is basically only people who don't share a surname who get stopped, given there is no evidence that children are more likely to be abducted across borders by people with different surnames - rather the reverse, I would suspect.

So what is it that your DH is really objecting to? An additional middle name that no-one would know about, would likely have no effect but which the kids wish to have?

YANBU. Having your name as a middle name is a very generous compromise and he's a total dick for refusing to entertain it. Especially as it's something you wanted from the get-go and he said no (you shouldn't have let him just completely override your wishes all those years ago).

Your husband is being very unreasonable but you can't change them without his consent.

I just think you need to talk to him more and try to get him to agree with you. He needs to understand that such a minor matter (that's the reality I'm afraid) will lead to huge resentment on your part which will ultimately cause long term problems, and is your dh prepared to allow that?

Ultimately though if he digs his heels in you may just need to put it into perspective and try to forget the issue and concentrate on the positives in your marriage.

I would also think carefully about your marriage because this seems an awfully minor issue to get worked up about and even flirt with divorce because of it. Are there deeper problems being masked by this name issue?

Being married to a man who is such a tremendous cunt that he bullies his wife into not having her name attached in any way to the children she gestated and gave birth to is not at all a minor matter.

Now he is turning his bullying cuntishness on his own children and forcing them to keepna name they do not want.

And he's a thief.

Nothing about any of it is minor.

Bottom line, you cant do it without his permission and without it, you have to wait until the children are 16. So you have 8 years to wait for one and 6 years for the other. By that time, the DC may no longer want to change their names. I suspect they are being driven by your desires at this age.

it is a pain in the ass to have your birth certificate not to match your passport, your exam certificates having different names, your degree not matching, having to change your name everywhere.

You never changed your name so you dont know the faff that it is.

Just leave it be unti they decide themselves. Also parents being not married, divorces, etc are common place these days. How does everyone cope going through airports? They just do. In Icelandic families all members of the family have different surnames as they arent surnames rather patronymics and they aren't changed on marriage. They cope at airports.

I never understood the hype of the womans name: surely it is her fathers surname. Another example of male dominance. hardly feminism to insist on the paternal grandfathers surname or your DC instead of their own fathers.

I never understood the hype of the womans name: surely it is her fathers surname.

How do you conclude a name belongs to a paternal grandfather if it's the woman's (mother's) name, but the father's name is his own? Surely it would be the father's paternal grandfather's name too in that case.

Do only men own their own name?

What a monumentally stupid thing to say.

The OPs maiden name is most likely her father surname. The DHs surname is his fathers name too and so on.

It's historic.

She has her dads surname but doesnt want the children to have her dads surname. Weird.

Let the kids decide at 16. After all the pressure from both sides I wouldnt want either name.

*their dads surname

It's one of the burdens that society places on a man.

Eh?

I think the ship has sailed. Mostly because it seems you can't agree, and although you had a very valid wish to add your name too, you registered the children without it. Now you'd require his permission to change their names, regardless of whether you remain married or divorce. The children can decide to do it themselves when they get to 16 but I suspect it won't feel so important to them then, they'll have exam certificates etc in their current name and won't be stopped at customs anymore. Still, if they do still want to change their names then, they can do so.

If this is really the only thing that you can't agree on, and he's usually lovely and not controlling, I don't think you've got anywhere else to go with it. You're not at all unreasonable to want your name included, but it is perhaps unreasonable to have conceded position and registered the names without your name, and to now want to change them.

No Queen, she has her own surname. Not her dad's. Her dad doesn't own the name any more than OP does.

She wanted her DC to have her surname. Her husband wanted them to have his. She compromised and said they could have his surname but with hers as a middle name. Her H had a tantrum and said no. Twat.

Now her DC want to have her surname too, even as a middle name, and he's still being a twat.

Basically, nobody's opinion matters except his.

I'm beginning to think every couple should pick legally a new last name when they get married. It would sort so much of this stuff out.

Thankyou for all the replies! I was so tired when I wrote my original post I wasn't at all clear that I don't want to change my kids names, but add in mine as a middle name (although ideally I would want double barrelled but will never win on this) and have done since their births. This has always been a bone of contention between us and we argued right up to and even inside the registry office when registering the births about it.
This is literally the ONLY thing ever my husband has put his foot down over, I am definitely the driving/decision making partner in all other areas. Perhaps this is why he feels so strongly?
I guess I'll just let in go and get over it (although the feminist in me finds this so hard!!!).

If your children want your surname they should have your surname. They are old enough to decide.