To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??

[SlimbobJones]

Background: I have a full time, quite stressful management role and also have a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, although this is now largely under control and I've been doing really well recently. I'm 25, no children and a lovely DP who I'm engaged to, but the wedding isn't until April 2018. We bought our house 2 years ago, I pay bills and mortgage as I'm the main earner and we couldn't afford the house if I lost me job, hence a lot of pressure for me which sparked the anxiety in the first place . DP works but doesn't earn a lot, he pays for our food and any treats we want. We are very comfortable with this arrangement and MIL know about how we split our money etc. All in all, not bad going for 25 and I'm very proud of myself and DP thus far.

MIL "popped round" last night and I was in the middle of painting WarHammer models, something I enjoy doing and helps me to relax because it's detailed work and requires concentration for extended periods of time. For those not in the know, WarHammer is basically tiny plastic models of fantasy creatures that you paint and then use to play a table top game. DP also paints Warhammer but to a lesser extent and prefers actually playing the game. It's something we do as a couple.

Anyway, MIL came in, spotted my epic dwarf army on the painting table in the living room and scoffed loudly, making "so childish" and "it's a kiddies activity" noises . She was actually sneering and looked utterly delighted that she'd found something to pick at. I ignored this and smiled my sweetest smile and explained how it helps me to relax, I find it enjoyable and it's something DP, myself and a group of our friends all do together.

She then went on to tell me how I should relax by planning the wedding and shouldn't have time to "sit about painting bits of plastic" and that I'm wasting time that I could be using for something productive... no mention what so ever to DP who also paints, has done since he was a kid and she knows this.

I didn't say anything, but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me! It upset me because I genuinely don't think she realises just how hard I work to support myself and DP and how bloody much I need my time in the evening where I can zone out and just not think. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son. This is not the first time she's been like this with me. More examples:

When we bought the house she came to look around and proclaimed it "too small and cold"... it was December and had been empty for 6 months . It was also the best we could afford.

I got a 1:1 at Uni and I was so bloody proud of myself.. but when DP told her she started calling me "billy bookworm" and went on and on about how Uni was about experiences and anyone who got a first must have been studying all the time and wasting it.

When I got my job she proclaimed it was too far away from home and I was going to "neglect" DP and there was no way we'd ever stay together long term... we've been together 9 years all together.

When we got engaged she asked DP "are you sure?" in ear shot of me...

WIBU to start distancing myself from her? She's really not good for my mental health.

ooonatoffolo I dunno, they are pretty heavy, could probably crush small animals and plants to death?

DangerousBeanz OMG the free hand work on that standard is INSANE. I'm rubbish at freehand, so much envy!

I love how you write about your relationship and the life you two have made together, you and your DP and your doggies seem bloody lovely!
A colleague of mine in a previous job paints those kind of models - he would bring them into work on a night shift and paint during his break/if we weren't busy. I found it fascinating to watch, the amount of work that goes into it is amazing

MIne can crush a sausage roll to death.
And my knees, when she decides she is a lap dog (of 32Kilos!) and hops up for a cuddle!

If you had two neglected kids or a DH that didn't know what you looked like. She'd have a point.

But you don't, so she is BVVU!

I wonder if MrsElfTree might mistakenly ever see this thread?

it might do her good!

No-one has mentioned telling DP his mother has said his hobby is pointless and he should be planning the wedding! Would love you to tell him that in front of her

You sound like you have a lovely life with your DP. You MIL is not a nice person, I would distance myself but remain respectful. I would even go as far as to tell her that the way she speaks to you and about you is not appropriate and that she is not to call round unless your DP is there and it's pre-arranged (so you can get your models out or go out). You are right that this behaviour can damage a soul.

OP, cracking job! Very nice work.

Warhammer themed wedding sounds awesome! A friend in mine had demonettes on her wedding cake.......

I could just imagine a 40k chaplain in full battle armour officiating......lol!

DH does a lot of his with an airbrush...have you thought about that at all? He can do large quantities of base coating in a short amount of time saving on his deadline.

beldaran for the commission work he just wants table top quality for his rank and file models, then pro quality for his bigger stuff so an air brush is next on my list of purchases! Planning to air brush the base coat then standard painting techniques for the armor etc :)

I'd like to hear more about your DP standing up to his mother in general before you get married.

If you're the higher earner there's only risk for you - if you divorce he could take half of everything, including a chunk of your pension and spousal support.

With someone as hideous as your MIL around I wouldn't risk it

HermioneWeasley he'd be very much welcome to half of everything if it ever happened, he's on the mortgage as a 50/50 share too specifically to protect him.

The plan is that when we have children he'll be a SAHP until the children are school age, so it's important he's financially protected :)

You do whatever you want to do - I have anxiety disorder and whatever helps you relax/distract yourself if it doesn't hurt others, can only be a good thing. She sounds like a jealous cowbag and you need to ignore her or tell her to mind her own bloody business - so many witches in this world - not good!

Get a nice big folder and write on the front 'Wedding planner'. Fill it with all the Warhammer themed wedding info you can find. Leave it on the table for the next time she comes around.

And/or

If she comes around again whilst you are painting only talk to her in character.

MIL - ohh what are you wasting your time on that for?

SBJ - hold out character and in a suitable character voice 'I am Bogrock Irontestes and we do not expect you to understand our modern pastimes. We will crush all that do not embrace the Warhammer way.' Then laugh manically.

Or ask her what she did to relax when she was your age. Whatever she says just reply 'Oh gosh, do they actually still make that/those these days? I thought that/those had died out with the dinosaurs.'

Oh OP, you sound awesome and your relationship sounds strong to me. He seems to pull her up when he needs to and I understand the need for some family harmony which may stop him doing it all the time. Would he lose his dad too if he went nc? That would worry me, his dad sounds lovely, the elf story was adorable.

Some people are still intimidated by strong woman, my BIL is, he has had to apologise to me before, took him weeks to do it. Interesting to read that she had the same role in her family life though, I can't put my finger on why she is this way with you, jealousy and worry that another woman could be even more successful and give her son a better life I guess.

Stay strong and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I play or make things for the sims to relax. Anyone who says anything to me about it gets made in game and then killed off

You sound fab OP, bollocks to your MIL. Two of our friends for got married last year and the bezt man wrote them an entire Warhammer codex based on their life together. Twas brilliant

My parents have v fixed ideas about the type of activities I should do in my spare time. I'm fairly good at ignoring them but there are occasions where I can feel my anxiety levels start to rise.

My advice would be that every time MIL passes comment about your hobbies (or anything else), calmly ask "But why does that matter to you?" Keep asking every time she until she's completely tied herself in knots and can't think of an answer.

Sounds like you have a lovely relationship.

Your dh's childhood sounds horrible. I know what its like to feel scared of your mother, it can really fuck up your mental health as an adult. It might be worth him getting some counselling, to support him in feeling less scared of her and setting boundaries.

Please make one of her hand painted for Christmas.

She sounds bloody awful, and you and your chap sound amazing! Creative hobbies like you have are awesome! Tell her your (utterly gorgeous!) dogs have developed something contagious and that she must stay away until further notice :)

I think a frequent deployment of the MN standby "did you mean to be so rude?" might come in handy with your MiL.

Also yes to the decoy warhammer-themed wedding folder on the coffee table.