To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??

[SlimbobJones]

Background: I have a full time, quite stressful management role and also have a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, although this is now largely under control and I've been doing really well recently. I'm 25, no children and a lovely DP who I'm engaged to, but the wedding isn't until April 2018. We bought our house 2 years ago, I pay bills and mortgage as I'm the main earner and we couldn't afford the house if I lost me job, hence a lot of pressure for me which sparked the anxiety in the first place . DP works but doesn't earn a lot, he pays for our food and any treats we want. We are very comfortable with this arrangement and MIL know about how we split our money etc. All in all, not bad going for 25 and I'm very proud of myself and DP thus far.

MIL "popped round" last night and I was in the middle of painting WarHammer models, something I enjoy doing and helps me to relax because it's detailed work and requires concentration for extended periods of time. For those not in the know, WarHammer is basically tiny plastic models of fantasy creatures that you paint and then use to play a table top game. DP also paints Warhammer but to a lesser extent and prefers actually playing the game. It's something we do as a couple.

Anyway, MIL came in, spotted my epic dwarf army on the painting table in the living room and scoffed loudly, making "so childish" and "it's a kiddies activity" noises . She was actually sneering and looked utterly delighted that she'd found something to pick at. I ignored this and smiled my sweetest smile and explained how it helps me to relax, I find it enjoyable and it's something DP, myself and a group of our friends all do together.

She then went on to tell me how I should relax by planning the wedding and shouldn't have time to "sit about painting bits of plastic" and that I'm wasting time that I could be using for something productive... no mention what so ever to DP who also paints, has done since he was a kid and she knows this.

I didn't say anything, but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me! It upset me because I genuinely don't think she realises just how hard I work to support myself and DP and how bloody much I need my time in the evening where I can zone out and just not think. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son. This is not the first time she's been like this with me. More examples:

When we bought the house she came to look around and proclaimed it "too small and cold"... it was December and had been empty for 6 months . It was also the best we could afford.

I got a 1:1 at Uni and I was so bloody proud of myself.. but when DP told her she started calling me "billy bookworm" and went on and on about how Uni was about experiences and anyone who got a first must have been studying all the time and wasting it.

When I got my job she proclaimed it was too far away from home and I was going to "neglect" DP and there was no way we'd ever stay together long term... we've been together 9 years all together.

When we got engaged she asked DP "are you sure?" in ear shot of me...

WIBU to start distancing myself from her? She's really not good for my mental health.

You need a warhammer themed wedding

Did your dp see this behaviour? He needs to be pulling her up on it. It's none of her damn business how you relax. Sounds like she just wants to pick at you because no one will ever be good enough for her son.

I would also put bets on the fact that she's had a go at the current adult colouring book craze...

Btw I love painting warhammer models but I'm beyond shite at it. Come do mine?

myownprivateidaho I adressed that in a previous post but I agree, that wasn't well phrased

For the record I don't look down on DP in any way, if it wasn't for him I'd have never gone to Uni, wouldn't have done half as well as I did and at one point he basically dragged me through my final year dissertation kicking and screaming. He also came with me to my interview for my job and waited in the car the whole time so he could help me calm down before I went in. I would be nothing and no where without him, he's the other half of me and a better human being than I will ever be.

The point I was very clumsily trying to make was that MIL has no reason to think I'm lazy or "bad" for her son in any way, not that I@m better than her son iyswim?

Please don't think I have any resentment or ill feeling towards my DP, I love the bones of him!

Get a local artist to do a sketch of you in armour about to lop off MILs head.
Hang it in a prominent place

My sister is an artist...

I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

She sounds like my mother. No matter what I do with regards to relaxing, she criticises it. No matter what I do she tells me I shouldnt be doing it and I should be doing something else.

My BIL has noticed it when we are all together as my sister is a mini verion of my mother and they both get at me together and he has actually said why cant they just let you be.

I would question if I wanted to be with him long term tbh. You are only 25. Plenty more fish in the sea if you are having to support him and take shit from his mother.

OP you sound lovely, and your OH also sounds like he has taken after his dad thankfully. It sounds like his mother has had things her way her whole life, being in control of the finances as being the higher wage earner etc and as for getting so angry that his father has to take him out to search for elves! It sounds like she knows she doesn't have any control over her son anymore, and is grasping at straws. I think as long as your OH doesn't give her any satisfaction when hearing one of these comments, thats ok. He should stand up to her and next time she says something derogatory about you, your hobby, job etc he should pull her up on it. So what if she gets angry. It's YOUR home and your safe place, and she can bloody well bugger off!

My DH also is a gamer, Warhammer and computer games, and we have loads of the original Games Workshop lead figures! Im not so enamoured with them, but each to their own

Caught up after I posted. Sounds like your Dp does have your back. You got a good one. I would just distance as much as you can. If she can't be polite to you then she sees her son less often. It's her call to make.

Yes, she sounds unpleasant and of course you can relax in any way you see fit.

Definitely do give her a painted model for Christmas, that'll set her gas at a peep.

Zeeandra I never said I was any good! I'm about 2 3rds of the way through a 1,500 Sigmar dwarf army with a gyrocopter/ maw-crusha conversion in the mix.. it's taken me about 3 months of painting every night and at weekends

She sounds awful, this warhammer dig is just another in a long line.
Being proud of the elf tree story...ugh. My FIL is similarly proud of the times he frightened or humiliated his children 30 years ago.

I paint and play with miniatures too, and have got used to eyerolling as people ridicule my hobby (playing with dolls) over the years, usually by people with no artistic skill at all.

She's jealous and a bit of a bitch.

Enjoy your life and treat her like the child she is!

I'd find one that looks like her and give it a tiny handbag and maybe a couple of speech bubbles saying what she has said to you lol

op she sounds like a horrible snide bully.
my first serious boyfriends DM was similar and treated me horribly for 4 years.
Being fairly young and polite l put up with it but it really depressed me as like you l was together and motivated with my own flat, and own small business, sadly my BF never seemed to notice or just laughed it off ...it was a factor in me turning down the engagement ring!

Now much older and wiser l would not stand for it, and neither should you, stop feeling bad from now on she is a nasty bitch, so avoid her as much as possible, and when you do come into contact, after she makes a comment, coldly tell her she is being unacceptably rude with an icy face, and if she cannot be pleasant to you she should leave, warn DH you are going to stop tolerating this abuse.
He MUST support you every time or it will eat away at your lovely relationship. He is no longer a scared child but a man and your feelings have to be his priority. l fear this will get worse if you have Dcs unless you stop tolerating it now. Bullies have to be put in their place.

Good luck op

She sounds like a callous fucktard. Distance yourself from her but, keep your DP in the loop as to why

littlemissneela you've hit the nail on the head. She's always had her own way and has learned that throwing a wobbly makes everyone bend the knee to her immediately.

I've never been brave enough to provoke a tantrum from her but she's threatened loads of times with phrases like "My son KNOWS what happens if he doesn't XXXXX don't you DP?" etc etc..

I think she's the sort of person you have to speak to directly and say how upsetting her comments are. I know it's not easy, and I don't like confrontation myself, but if you don't this will go on and on and on... and get a lot worse if you have dc. Someone has to stand up to this awful woman, and it looks as if it's going to have to be you.

And the thing about confrontation is - the more you do it, the easier it gets!

You don't have to defend the things you do/love to MIL. Ever. As my brother always says "You like what you like."

It might be hard if you are prone to anxiety, but just blithely ignoring and carrying on with what you want to do, is the best response.

And DEFINITELY giving Warhammer figures as wedding favours. Maybe a bride and groom one with a piece of cake :)

Glad you've changed the locks. The minor stuff needs ignoring, anything that really goes over the line, needs challenging head on imo. If you have children in the future, unless she knows what you will and won't accept, she could be a total flipping PITA. It sounds as if the only way she can make herself feel ok, is to minimise your achievements. She may well feel threatened by your intelligence/abilities etc. Not a nice trait at all.

Hi op

She's seems utterly jealous of you, as a fellow painter and owner of a battle line my suggestion is to get hold of a queen Helga (out of production but do pop up on eBay) and take great pleasure is painting her to look like your mil

Then display her for all to see

I'll just leave this here...

I think it's a brilliant way to relax! I'm a few years older than you and still take part in tons of 'childish' pursuits (I watch cartoons, buy Lego, go to Disneyland regularly) - I genuinely think it keeps me young, keeps the fun in my and DH's relationship, and is escapist and relaxing!

I hate people that get so judgey about stuff like that - it's like, would they prefer if I was getting wasted every night? No? So don't complain! (Not to mention it's none of their beeswax)

I would be nothing and no where without him, he's the other half of me and a better human being than I will ever be.

Watch that attitude. YOu sound very self critical.

Without DP you still went to uni and managed to get the job.

he didnt sit your exams or do the interview for you did he.

Just watch it. You dont need him or anyone else, you would have achieved exactly what you have now off your own back. You dont need him or anyone else and I wonder if that is why you take this shit.

With regards to MILs tantrums: say bring it on, I am not scared of you.

She sounds awful What a cow. My in laws also turn their noses up at 'silly' or 'time wasting' hobbies like video games etc. I find that ridiculous because surely it doesn't matter whether you are reading a book, painting warhammer, playing PS4 or doing gardening - none of these activities are really productive, even growing vegetables isn't really necessary these days unless you live on a self sufficient homestead, they're all just for relaxation and enjoyment.

user1471537877 I have a Queen Helga as my Dwarf Lord

I love this thread...not because of your awful MIL, but because of the lovely relationship you share with your DP, you have the balance right dont let her cause a rift. I think all families have one person that you hide behind the couch from when they ring the doorbell and she is yours xx

OP- think your hobby sounds incredibly lovely and sweet and is also productive. I relax by lying around in bed for as long as possible, completely utterly lazy and DH can judge me for that at times. Whatever makes you happy, its your precious free time, do as you want. Silly woman to comment and judge.