To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??

[SlimbobJones]

Background: I have a full time, quite stressful management role and also have a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, although this is now largely under control and I've been doing really well recently. I'm 25, no children and a lovely DP who I'm engaged to, but the wedding isn't until April 2018. We bought our house 2 years ago, I pay bills and mortgage as I'm the main earner and we couldn't afford the house if I lost me job, hence a lot of pressure for me which sparked the anxiety in the first place . DP works but doesn't earn a lot, he pays for our food and any treats we want. We are very comfortable with this arrangement and MIL know about how we split our money etc. All in all, not bad going for 25 and I'm very proud of myself and DP thus far.

MIL "popped round" last night and I was in the middle of painting WarHammer models, something I enjoy doing and helps me to relax because it's detailed work and requires concentration for extended periods of time. For those not in the know, WarHammer is basically tiny plastic models of fantasy creatures that you paint and then use to play a table top game. DP also paints Warhammer but to a lesser extent and prefers actually playing the game. It's something we do as a couple.

Anyway, MIL came in, spotted my epic dwarf army on the painting table in the living room and scoffed loudly, making "so childish" and "it's a kiddies activity" noises . She was actually sneering and looked utterly delighted that she'd found something to pick at. I ignored this and smiled my sweetest smile and explained how it helps me to relax, I find it enjoyable and it's something DP, myself and a group of our friends all do together.

She then went on to tell me how I should relax by planning the wedding and shouldn't have time to "sit about painting bits of plastic" and that I'm wasting time that I could be using for something productive... no mention what so ever to DP who also paints, has done since he was a kid and she knows this.

I didn't say anything, but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me! It upset me because I genuinely don't think she realises just how hard I work to support myself and DP and how bloody much I need my time in the evening where I can zone out and just not think. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son. This is not the first time she's been like this with me. More examples:

When we bought the house she came to look around and proclaimed it "too small and cold"... it was December and had been empty for 6 months . It was also the best we could afford.

I got a 1:1 at Uni and I was so bloody proud of myself.. but when DP told her she started calling me "billy bookworm" and went on and on about how Uni was about experiences and anyone who got a first must have been studying all the time and wasting it.

When I got my job she proclaimed it was too far away from home and I was going to "neglect" DP and there was no way we'd ever stay together long term... we've been together 9 years all together.

When we got engaged she asked DP "are you sure?" in ear shot of me...

WIBU to start distancing myself from her? She's really not good for my mental health.

Percyp1g Until the new rule book came out Sigmar was unplayable because there was no points system, and if you used wounds you used to end up with a scaven clan rat being worth the same points as a dwarf hammerer

This was a problem in our house because DP plays Skaven and I'm a Dwarf Lord to my cold iron forged core . He couldn't get his skaven to be swarmy like they need to be without me just steam rollering him, it was completely unfair (although hilarious).

Now though there's the new book out that has a Sigmar points system and it's just completely brilliant. It suggests 1000, 1500 and 2000 point armies and the 1000 pointer can be played in about 40 mins and can be built from a single "start collecting" box. Low barrier to entry for that but enough game content in the 1500 and 2000 point campaigns to give more experienced players with bigger armies some "meat" to play with.

We're currently playing a mass campaign over a few nights for our own personal "house victory" prize.. IE: loser does all the housework for a month

OP, my husband paints Warhammer and other figures on commission and he's 32......and he earns quite a bit from it too.

He currently has over 100 models to be painted....and the main guy who he does then for keeps buying more lol.

There is NO shame in doing something that relaxes you and quite honestly she's being ridiculously closed minded over it.

Playing it takes a lot of thought, there's strategy and on the fly calculations etc so you have to work your brain, DH and I don't play as much as we used to as we've moved onto Mantic Games figures as DH is not keen on the fine cast resin of Games Workshop.

There are some great Warhammer groups on Facebook for adults, go find your fellow enthusiasts!

MIL sounds jealous and small minded, a bit like mine actually. She thinks anyone with a hobby is odd. I do patchwork and MIL once said, "Well I haven't got time to sit about sewing all day." Retired at that! Maybe she's an attention seeker - after all you're paying attention to your painting not to her. Try not to let it get to you but remain alert to the fact that she will remain a problem with her childish ways. Also, if the truth be known, your DP will hopefully be on your side and he'll be driven away by her behaviour - the opposite of what she's after. So step carefully.

Your MIL is toxic, but you both know that. Have a look over at the Stately Homes threads on Relationships. You'll recognize her there.

I was recently worried about SIL judging me about something (I don't think she was, I was just being paranoid). I said to DH - "I bet your Sis thinks I boss you around doesn't she". He said "It doesn't matter what she thinks. I know you don't and that's all that matters". Good advice from wise DH, you should apply it to your own situation - your DP knows you and is happy with you, and it really doesn't matter what your MIL thinks.

Also - I'm nearly 40 and I'm envious of how sorted your life sounds. I relax by MNing and reading celebrity gossip and spooky stories online. If I put all of the time I've spent reading shite into something productive, I could have written a book or got a PhD by now....

beldaran I'd LOVE to get into commission work but I'm not sure I'd be able to paint to a deadline!

This guy won me a first place at our local GW's mini painting competition a couple of months ago and a guy there asked me to paint up his Green Skinz for him. I love the Orc models so I'm looking forwards to that but I had to warn him it will take me a month to do a single unit! He's paying me £2 a model though and he's got about 200 to do :)

I love warhammer.

She's trying to pick at you over everything probably because she feels inadequate and feels you being with her son makes her feel a bit shit about herself and him. Maybe she wishes he was a higher earner and you could be the little woman who was reliant on him? As the situation is some people will see you as the successful one, hence highlighting her son's "failings" (not actual failings but you know) and this is probably why she resents you so much. You give her son wayyyy more than she can and did.

No advice, you sound awesome btw but OMG your hounds

whippetwoman I see from your user name you also have mad hound love

Thank you DeepfriedPizza for saying a few posts back what i came here to say...
Warhammer Themed Wedding...

Just saying.
I know someone who had personalised D6 as wedding favours...

Also DH paints warhammer. He likes High Elves. DH sells warhammer as his 'proper grown up job'
DH has banned me from painting warhammer ever again when he got me some men on horses so I could have a go - and I painted flowers on the horsies armour...

Slimbob, congrats on winning the comp and turning your hobby into a paid gig! So cool.

I turned my stress-busting pastime into a job, too -- I love walking, so got a paper round. Said the now XMIL, "isn't that a bit menial?" To this day she chooses to believe that delivering papers is my, er, profession, instead of a paid hobby I do on top of my full-time work ... and, in fact, the hobby that bankrolled my new kitchen.

Yours sounds toxic and, yes, jealous. Please don't get defensive when she snipes at you; she'll feed off that and get worse. Ya gotta laugh, Slim. Just roar with laughter whenever she makes those remarks. Give her a hearty slap across the shoulders and yell "Oh MIL, you just kill me, you're such a card! You should go on the stage!" And so on. If she protests, you can tell her she's much too sensitive and that she shouldn't take herself so seriously.

Love a PP's suggestion that you tell her the figures are voodoo dolls, lol!

AlpacaPicnic We also play D&D, my character is a dwarf warhammer model in a flowery moomoo

Love the idea of warhammer themed wedding favours, dice are a good idea as I think older families might get offended if I gave them all a personalised dwarf model

The last time I went out I was in the park when some random bloke went "pikachu! By the bridge! Want to get it?"
I said yes and we ran off and then I realised I was sprinting through the park with a man I had never met chasing an imaginary creature

That is so randomly awesome though! Where is the harm in it?

Op that is some nice work!

have you ever thought of doing some evening art classes as they may help the anxiety too and you clearly have a steady hand and accuracy.

QueenLizIII I'm utterly rubbish at actual arty art. I can't draw, I can't paint on canvas or anything. I can paint warhammer because it's a bit like painting by numbers, the shapes are all there for you, you just have to paint them and work out which way the light will shine on it so where you need to put the highlights :)

YABVU for playing and painting Warhammer. My DH reliably tells me that Warmachine is far superior (although from the language he uses when assembling the figures I believe they are a bit tricky to put together).

Ah ok, just a thought!

Your MIL is a knob but this thread warms my heart. I feel like I have found my (table top gaming) people

There's a reddit called jnmil you may want to check out for strategy.
She sounds awful.
(Greenskins and blood bowl in this house)

Arf at a Basset savaging anything.

Most of the time they are prone and snoozing :)

your painting looks highly skilled. I reckon far more than £2 a model's worth!

Ignore MIL to be. She sounds a nasty bully. Elf tree pride indeed!

"I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son."

You have hit the nail on the head here. Stop trying as you will never win!

She sounds AWFUL, so great that your husband has your back. Suggest that you never allow yourself to be in the same room as her alone, and avoid her whenever possible.

Hmm I see the thread has moved on - fabulous painting skills OP, the rocks are my favourite, so real!

She soundslike her whole personality is based on no one ever challenge her, and she does sound scary, but it's the only way forward. She will be livid, and make a drama, but keep the message simple and keep repeating it.
Good luck, you sound lovely and like you know yourself really well.

What concerns me about this she is never good enough, is she is too young for this shit and what about children if/when they have them.

It looks like a lifetime of stress and it is not worth it. Unless her son can tell his mum to fuck off but he's too scared.

There are so many red flags here it is like bunting.

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going to have to compromise with your MIL... by planning a Warhammer themed wedding.

Personally, I'd go 40k and inform her she's going to be dressed as a genestealer, and have a dress with MASSIVE pauldrons and a bolt rifle bouquet, but each to their own. COMPROMISE! :p

She's a cow. Your partner sounds lovely. I also have an army of dwarves, lovingly painted add gifts to my by my DH. It's a great shared hobby and he finds it very relaxing too. I've got no talent, buy my DS and her partner paint d&d figures as a hobby. We are geeky and proud.
This is Beryl my Army standard bearer. Named after my DM. A fearsome but lovely lady.