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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??

172 replies

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 10:29

Background: I have a full time, quite stressful management role and also have a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, although this is now largely under control and I've been doing really well recently. I'm 25, no children and a lovely DP who I'm engaged to, but the wedding isn't until April 2018. We bought our house 2 years ago, I pay bills and mortgage as I'm the main earner and we couldn't afford the house if I lost me job, hence a lot of pressure for me which sparked the anxiety in the first place . DP works but doesn't earn a lot, he pays for our food and any treats we want. We are very comfortable with this arrangement and MIL know about how we split our money etc. All in all, not bad going for 25 and I'm very proud of myself and DP thus far.

MIL "popped round" last night and I was in the middle of painting WarHammer models, something I enjoy doing and helps me to relax because it's detailed work and requires concentration for extended periods of time. For those not in the know, WarHammer is basically tiny plastic models of fantasy creatures that you paint and then use to play a table top game. DP also paints Warhammer but to a lesser extent and prefers actually playing the game. It's something we do as a couple.

Anyway, MIL came in, spotted my epic dwarf army on the painting table in the living room and scoffed loudly, making "so childish" and "it's a kiddies activity" noises . She was actually sneering and looked utterly delighted that she'd found something to pick at. I ignored this and smiled my sweetest smile and explained how it helps me to relax, I find it enjoyable and it's something DP, myself and a group of our friends all do together.

She then went on to tell me how I should relax by planning the wedding and shouldn't have time to "sit about painting bits of plastic" and that I'm wasting time that I could be using for something productive... no mention what so ever to DP who also paints, has done since he was a kid and she knows this.

I didn't say anything, but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me! It upset me because I genuinely don't think she realises just how hard I work to support myself and DP and how bloody much I need my time in the evening where I can zone out and just not think. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son. This is not the first time she's been like this with me. More examples:

When we bought the house she came to look around and proclaimed it "too small and cold"... it was December and had been empty for 6 months . It was also the best we could afford.

I got a 1:1 at Uni and I was so bloody proud of myself.. but when DP told her she started calling me "billy bookworm" and went on and on about how Uni was about experiences and anyone who got a first must have been studying all the time and wasting it.

When I got my job she proclaimed it was too far away from home and I was going to "neglect" DP and there was no way we'd ever stay together long term... we've been together 9 years all together.

When we got engaged she asked DP "are you sure?" in ear shot of me...

WIBU to start distancing myself from her? She's really not good for my mental health.

OP posts:

hollinhurst84 · 06/10/2016 12:12

I relax by walking whilst playing Pokemon go and stopping off for a coffee on the way

Original poster

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 12:13

I'm so surprised at how many adult warhammer/ miniature players and painters there are here, I thought we were weird!

OP posts:

RB68 · 06/10/2016 12:13

Send her some Adult colouring stuff and tell her to chill ha ha ha

RB68 · 06/10/2016 12:14

ps that comes from an adult with her own craft room and plenty of colouring to chill out with :-)

deydododatdodontdeydo · 06/10/2016 12:16

hollinhurst I know people who ridicule adults for playing Pokemon go too - it's nobody's business and I don't see why people get so offended by it.
I think it's because you don't fit into the normal expected box of what an acceptable interest is.

Original poster

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 12:18

pregnantat50

That's lovely thank you :)

We do have a nice relationship, we got together when I was 17 so we sort of grew into each other. We were long distance for 5 years through Uni and stuff and I think that gave us chance to talk a lot before we decided that actually we rather liked each other

8 and a half years later we're adults now and just as fond of each other now as we were when we were 17

OP posts:

Lorelei76 · 06/10/2016 12:18

I have ordered a family member out of my home after insulting me

you can do that. your DP can do that.

when she says "he knows what happens if he upsets me" - I'd say "what happens then?"

because i can see this woman is toxic, nasty and with her current ways I wouldn't have her across my threshold. I can say that with confidence after banning my dad from here. (I go there to see mum but he keeps out of my way now).

There really is no point putting up with people talking to you like this - it just gets worse and worse. I ordered him out of here for much much less than what you've been putting up with.

Is there any reason your DP can't see his mum without you?

QueenLizIII · 06/10/2016 12:19

I relax by walking whilst playing Pokemon go and stopping off for a coffee on the way

So do I....guess who has a problem with it? My mother.

Stupid, childish, pathetic are among choice words she has used. I am not harming anyone.

In fact i have previously suffered depression and it makes me go out and walk. Sometimes i walk home instead of the bus to hatch the pokemon eggs and i am getting exercise too.

I dont understand the ridicule.

Greyandyellow · 06/10/2016 12:19

I think its great that you and your DP, and your friends, have a hobby you enjoy.

She's just a cow. Most of the shit with planning a wedding comes with dealing all the family shit to be honest.

GeekLove · 06/10/2016 12:20

Boohoo! We never get to play Warhammer sincr the new rules came out since no one can agree on them.

But seriously maybe she thinks you're supposed to be watching soaps and shit?

haveacupoftea · 06/10/2016 12:20

She's a jealous old cow. She's also one of those MILs that, if the first marriage ends, spends her time praising you to the second wife and making her feel like she can never compare. Just pay no heed to her, she's crazy.

randomer · 06/10/2016 12:22

this ghastly half dwarf lady is jealous. A first at Uni....COOL

dailymaillazyjournos · 06/10/2016 12:22

Forgot to say, that adult tantrums are best treated the same as toddler ones. Ignore them. Without an audience she will soon stop. And YY to replying if she comes out with the "He knows what happens if he upsets me". I'd say, "OOOH that sounds worrying. Have you seen anyone about this." By 'frightening' people with her tantrums, she's used to making them frightened to upset her. Don't be frightened. It's emotional blackmail and that needs knocking on the head. It sounds like no one stands up to her. She may well be the type that as soon as anyone actually does, she crumbles.

Lweji · 06/10/2016 12:23

Just referring to your OP, really, but keep asking her why.

Why do you think it's a childish hobby?
Why do you think I should relax planning the wedding?
Why do you think that is relaxing?
Why do you think I'm a book worm?
Why did you feel the need to tell me that?

And so on.

Degustibusnonestdisputandem · 06/10/2016 12:23

Goodness what a nasty piece of work she sounds! My mum still loves building LEGO (as do I!) & has loads of colouring books. A sense of fun and wonder carried into adulthood is to be applauded, not denigrated!!

TheColonelAdoresPuffins · 06/10/2016 12:23

Imagine what she'll be like if you have kids. Have you considered emigrating and changing your phone number?

ElsieMc · 06/10/2016 12:24

I think you will need to stamp on this op. I do worry about what she will be like in the lead up to your wedding and I think this is one particular reason you must take action.

My mil was a bit like this. Would even buy me "presents" I would hate such as toffee with nuts in when she knows I had an allergy. When I politely pointed this out (again) she said I was being ridiculous and to spit them out as I ate the toffee. This is just a very minor comment from her and there was much, much worse particularly when I had my dd. She even told me I had caused my dd's pneumonia because she did not have a vest on in July.

I haven't had contact with her for years. My dd's see her occasionally but they are treated poorly and find her cold and unfriendly. My youngest dd finds her behaviour funny because she is a happy, self confident girl but my elder dd finds it upsetting. She plays right into her hands by trying to please her which is how she treated me.

Sorry to be so negative, but this is who she is and yes, you do need strategies for coping. In the meantime, you need to minimise your contact with her to as little as possible. Don't overshare with her either, start to keep things to yourself about the wedding etc. I am not saying this to be mean, but the less she knows the better as it will give her ammunition to be offended or critical.

Original poster

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 12:24

Lorelei76 Nope no reason why he couldnt, he does occasionally but I know he finds her hard work too so I like to be there to support him just as he's there for me.

I LOVE pokemon go, it's like every dream I've ever had

The dog is not so keen...

OP posts:

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 06/10/2016 12:27

Next time she comes round, make sure you've got some models out.
If she comments, tell her that are actually voodoo dolls which you use to inflict pain on those that cross you

hollinhurst84 · 06/10/2016 12:27

I don't get the Pokemon go thing. A game that makes you walk more and people still whine about it?!
Generally I walk by the river, through the park, grab a coffee from lovely independent shop I wouldn't have discovered otherwise, back through town and sit on benches and chat with other players. Total walk around 10k

Original poster

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 12:29

hollinhurst84 I walk the dogs while I play and during the first couple of weeks when the game came out they used to hide when they saw me get my phone out and put my shoes on because they were so knackered

OP posts:

Percyp1g · 06/10/2016 12:29

What are your thoughts on age of sigma? I paint 40k, mainly tau :D

QueenLizIII · 06/10/2016 12:30

Yeah me too Hollinhurst. I have started going new places I dont go to that often just to look for them but it is good in that it is making me walk more and do more things and find more nice places for coffee, just like you.

TBH unless a hobby is hard drugs, or binge drinking or will harm you or others, I dont get why anyone has a problem with adult hobbies.

hollinhurst84 · 06/10/2016 12:32

The last time I went out I was in the park when some random bloke went "pikachu! By the bridge! Want to get it?"
I said yes and we ran off and then I realised I was sprinting through the park with a man I had never met chasing an imaginary creature

PoisonousSmurf · 06/10/2016 12:33

Ignore her! She's just jealous.

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