Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??

172 replies

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 10:29

Angry

Background: I have a full time, quite stressful management role and also have a diagnosis for Generalised Anxiety Disorder, although this is now largely under control and I've been doing really well recently. I'm 25, no children and a lovely DP who I'm engaged to, but the wedding isn't until April 2018. We bought our house 2 years ago, I pay bills and mortgage as I'm the main earner and we couldn't afford the house if I lost me job, hence a lot of pressure for me which sparked the anxiety in the first place Blush. DP works but doesn't earn a lot, he pays for our food and any treats we want. We are very comfortable with this arrangement and MIL know about how we split our money etc. All in all, not bad going for 25 and I'm very proud of myself and DP thus far.

MIL "popped round" last night and I was in the middle of painting WarHammer models, something I enjoy doing and helps me to relax because it's detailed work and requires concentration for extended periods of time. For those not in the know, WarHammer is basically tiny plastic models of fantasy creatures that you paint and then use to play a table top game. DP also paints Warhammer but to a lesser extent and prefers actually playing the game. It's something we do as a couple.

Anyway, MIL came in, spotted my epic dwarf army on the painting table in the living room and scoffed loudly, making "so childish" and "it's a kiddies activity" noises Hmm. She was actually sneering and looked utterly delighted that she'd found something to pick at. I ignored this and smiled my sweetest smile and explained how it helps me to relax, I find it enjoyable and it's something DP, myself and a group of our friends all do together.

She then went on to tell me how I should relax by planning the wedding Hmm and shouldn't have time to "sit about painting bits of plastic" and that I'm wasting time that I could be using for something productive... no mention what so ever to DP who also paints, has done since he was a kid and she knows this.

I didn't say anything, but I thought about it after and actually if it wasn't for me, her son would probably still be living at home aged 28 with no prospects, no house and would probably still be painting warhammer without me! It upset me because I genuinely don't think she realises just how hard I work to support myself and DP and how bloody much I need my time in the evening where I can zone out and just not think. I'm not hurting anyone, I'm not neglecting any other responsibilities so what the actual fuck is her problem??

I feel like whatever I do in life will never be good enough for her and I'll never be "right" for her son. This is not the first time she's been like this with me. More examples:

When we bought the house she came to look around and proclaimed it "too small and cold"... it was December and had been empty for 6 months Hmm. It was also the best we could afford.

I got a 1:1 at Uni and I was so bloody proud of myself.. but when DP told her she started calling me "billy bookworm" and went on and on about how Uni was about experiences and anyone who got a first must have been studying all the time and wasting it.

When I got my job she proclaimed it was too far away from home and I was going to "neglect" DP and there was no way we'd ever stay together long term... we've been together 9 years all together.

When we got engaged she asked DP "are you sure?" in ear shot of me...

WIBU to start distancing myself from her? She's really not good for my mental health.

OP posts:
Original poster
SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 11:00

I reckon this guy should get the point across? Grin

To Think I Can Relax However I Damn Well Please??
OP posts:
midsummabreak · 06/10/2016 11:00

Unfair on the dwarf Agerbil Grin

Aderyn2016 · 06/10/2016 11:01

Although she hasn't popped round for a while, I would advise you to get your key back off the neighbours or tell them not to give it to your mil.
I also think you need to start challenging her directly yourself - she is getting far too comfortable to the point she is bullying you in your own house! Don't know if you are planning to have kids in the future but is so, you have to nip this shot in thr bud now or she will be even more of a bloody nightmare in the future. Def get out of the habit of having 'her' days for visiting.

It is okay to throw rude people out of your house!

diddl · 06/10/2016 11:01

Oh dear, she sounds awful.

You say that your partner is scared of her.

What does he think will happen if he makes her cross?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 06/10/2016 11:03

Slimbob I think that painting that one to look like her MiL would definitely get the point across. Or maybe it already bears a striking resemblance Grin

SatsukiKusakabe · 06/10/2016 11:04

It sounds to me ikebana she is aware of how good you've been for her son, and how much you have in common, and instead of showing this with appreciation and warmth, she has decided to be jealous and snide. She won't change. Distance yourself, and never give more of yourself to the relationship than you can afford.

A satisfying hobby is a great thing to have in your life, not to be sneered at, and your dp sounds lovely, which is more than half the battle.

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2016 11:06

She obviously doesn't like you for some reason so yes, I would distance myself if I were you.

Is she paying anything towards the wedding?

Not that it would give her the right to insist you get on with the planning.

user1471434605 · 06/10/2016 11:06

I paint warhammer models with my youngest daughter, she plays, and myself and my daughters also collect and paint Asian ball jointed dolls. My mother is a nasty bitch who used to say the same thing and she was told to behave or never be allowed in my house again. It's about respect - you earn your money, you pay your bills, you are not looking to your MIL for loans etc, so how you spend your money and how you relax are your business. And no one should be giving her the key to your house!

lottiegarbanzo · 06/10/2016 11:08

It's not you it's her. Probably expressing her frustration with her life chances, choices and experience. Bitter.

gratesnakes · 06/10/2016 11:09

Get a bigger scarier dog?

Shiningexample · 06/10/2016 11:09

Make an effigy of her and stick pins in it

iklboo · 06/10/2016 11:10

Show her how much painted models can sell for on eBay. Then paint a grotesque figurine in the colours she likes to wear & give it her for Christmas.

Original poster
SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 11:11

Aderyn2016 way ahead of you! We've changed the locks since and not given anyone except my DM a key!

I agree I need to tackle her head on.I don't think DP is scared of her doing anything in particular it's just he's grown up with her and throughout his childhood she'd throw almighty tantrums. To the point that there's a bush in their garden called the "elf bush"... it's where FIL used to take DP when he was young and MIL was angry, just to get him out of the way. They used to feed the birds and search for elves in it when we was about 3/4. MIL tells this story proudly as if terrifying her family is something to be proud of Hmm

OP posts:
timelytess · 06/10/2016 11:12

That woman can fuck off. Remember that.

dowhatnow · 06/10/2016 11:12

Let it wash over you. Rise above it all and don't let it get to you at all. In fact play bingo. Everytime she says something have a secret smile and add it to the bingo card. The more she does it, the funnier it will be.
In fact tell DH every single dig but do it in a humerous "you'll never guess what she said today" way. He obviously knows what she is like and he might pull her up on it if he feels he ought to, but in any case you are keeping him in the picture whilst having a laugh about her/the situation.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/10/2016 11:13

It sounds to me like she has a natural order of things in her mind and you have upset it. She resents the fact that you earn more than your DP and have good qualifications so she has to tear you down. Women should be quiet, not too clever and like weddings not get good degrees and paint warhammer.

She is the problem not you and good for your DP that he knows that.

SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DocMcFanjo · 06/10/2016 11:17

Aw that "elf bush" story is so touching and so very sad.

Agree with PPs that you need to draw some VERY firm lines before you have any DC. She sounds like a nasty, manipulative piece of work.

gratesnakes · 06/10/2016 11:17

Awww. They're lovely. Could you drop dog treats into the chair she uses / her pockets so they don't leave her alone?

Original poster
SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 11:18

dowhatnow I like the idea of turning it so it becomes funny. To be fair some of the things she says are completely laughable!

For example, we raw feed our dogs (specialist breed, allergies etc) and apparently if we feed them raw meat they'll get a taste for blood and rip our throats out if we fall asleep on the sofa...

OP posts:
KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 06/10/2016 11:19

Those floppy pooches are gorgeous.

dowhatnow · 06/10/2016 11:20

It does work. DS was getting upset and angry about some of the obvious favouratism shown at one of his clubs for the son of the leader. Now we just giggle every time it happens and roll our eyes.

Original poster
SlimbobJones · 06/10/2016 11:22

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface they are indeed. They are completely useless excuses for dogs, serve absolutely no purpose at all other than to be constant trip hazards and absolutely complete me Grin

OP posts:
Shiningexample · 06/10/2016 11:25

What Chaz said!

LadyMoth · 06/10/2016 11:26

I have anxiety problems OP and I totally get you. I like making quilts. I buy perfectly good fabric, cut it into bits and sew it back together, it doesn't get much more pointless than that but it is what I like and that's all that matters.

MIL sounds like a miserable sour-faced bat. Agree with PPs, laugh it off, play MIL bingo, and be strong and proud in her face. And as others say, put your foot down big time now and don't ever take any of her crap or let her manipulate you, and get into that habit before having kids if you are going to. This kind of MIL can go off the deep end when you add a baby into the mix.