To be hurt by dh and mil's comments?

[BummyMummy77]

I'm a sahm to ds who's almost 3.

Had dinner out with ds, dh, mother and father in law, dh's sister, her husband and their 1 year old.

Ds is potty training and is in that wonderful phase where he wants to pee every two minutes as he likes the praise. Great. Better than the constant wet trousers.

Anyway, after the 10th time of ds saying "I need a pee it's an emergency!" I say to everyone (in a jesty, 'oh God, here we go again' kind of way) "this is my life these days, every five minutes we're peeing!" and ask dh if he'll go and do it.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

Anyway I digress, he says "well if I'm going to keep helping him pee why are you not stripping roof shingles right now?". He then says it again five minutes later when ds asks for help to pee again.

This upsets me a little so I say "maybe you can do your own washing tomorrow" which I know was a little snippy but I felt like he was belittling me in front of his family. I felt humiliated.

So his Mum comes out with "well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."

I've not sent ds to the only possible childcare option where we live (on an island) which is a really shitty, substandard daycare. I would be over the moon to go get a part time job where I actually earn my own money and see people but I know what I'm doing is best for ds and us as a family.

I'm so bloody hurt. They all clearly see me as some lazy scrounger (and this stems from previous comments). I'm up at 4.30 every morning and literally don't sit down all day until about 10pm. Yet they all have this thing that because I don't have a paying job I'm lazy I guess.

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm asking this in aibu because I'm aware that for various reasons I have a tendency to be oversensitive at the moment and would like to gather some balanced options rather than a flaming .

Ive been a little weepy over this tonight, I feel like I'm busting my ass for my family and felt kind of proud but there's so many spiteful 'you need to get a real job comments' from dh's family it's really getting me down.

Yikes

Don't go out with them again
They sound awful

Talk to your Dh about how you feel & save the rows for at home.

Horrible comment, and mil shouldn't have said it, but why on earth would you lose your temper in front of them? The minute you row in front of other people you're inviting their criticism/judgement.

The thing is, you made the laundry comment even though you know you shouldn't have, because you were getting pissed off - maybe your MIL feels the same about what she said. It does sound like a heated conversation that was escalating due to emotion.

The real problem in my view, from what you said in your OP, is why that exchange started in the first place, which is with your husband acting like he doesn't need to share in the responsibility of raising your son just because he works a job during the day. That's disgusting in my opinion. He should be looking to do MORE of these things when he's not at work because he doesn't get to see him for so much of the day.

I recognised you as the poster with the evil MIL straight away.

Didn't realise during the course of that thread that your DH was an abusive arsehole as well.

Because speaking to you with utter contempt, like you're a housekeeper and not his wife and co-parent, makes him an arsehole.

I see he's contrite. Well, that's something I guess.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work and something I anticipate my own mil saying to me once I go on maternity leave. My jaw dropped at her comment. Yanbu

is it just me who thinks the laundry comment was fine in response to the DH comment about roofing?

if OP had said nothing, she would then look like a doormat. I also hate it when couples row in front of me but this whole family doesn't sound like they would care about that anyway. I haven't had a partner put me down like this but I can imagine I'd want to answer even if it did make others uncomfortable. So I totally get why OP said that.

is it just me who thinks the laundry comment was fine in response to the DH comment about roofing?

I wouldn't say "fine", but certainly expected/understandable. That's why I believe the whole incident comes down to the husband's lack of respect for his wife and unwillingness to be a father to his child.

"He says that he just felt like nobody appreciates how hard he works"
Errr, what?

He sat there and listened to his mother tell you that youre basically a scrounger and should be grateful that he gives you some of his money, said absolutely nothing to indicate that he disagreed, and yet he thinks HE needs MORE recognition and praise for his one job? He heard you being massively disrespected and somehow hes brought it back around so its all about him and how he feels.

This just confirms it then, he thinks that hes doing the hard job and youre somehow coasting through life on easy street. If thats not what he thinks, then let him show that by saying it when theres actually his mother or sister around to HEAR him say it.

So he made the apology about him?

I'm sorry for what I said but meeeeeeee!!

YANBU or over sensitive. He's a nasty piece of work but its easy to see where he gets it from.
"well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."
They dont see you or the grandkids as part of their family, and they are too involved.

Yanbu what a cow u may not have a job but you work hard i know because im
A sahm and i sometimes would do anything to go out to work you are a team with your husband all money in one pot your mil had absolutely not right

sso your dh plays 'martyr' in front of his family to get sympathy - and doesn't speak up when they aim nasty comments at you? He's not a man. He's a pathetic apology for a man.

He says that he just felt like nobody appreciates how hard he works Lets bring out the violins whilst he tries to deflect from his ugly behaviour and words

OP, why do you not class the stuff you do during your waking hours as 'work'?
Don't lose respect for yourself because you're not in paid outside employment. A woman does not need to be earning a 'wage' to be worthy of respect, and you're his wife - how dare he speak to you like that? AND in front of his family?

You do realise that people get paid for childcare, housework, cooking, animal husbandry etc? Why not present him with a bill for each of these services? He can either pay up or accept that you do this 'for free'.

Does he do any childcare op? Or any housework? Or anything other than go out to work and play the great I AM in front of everyone. His wages are not his own - they belong to the family he chose to have. Either he sees you as a partnership or he doesn't.

MIL is disgusting. Maybe her marriage was like that. I'd have told her straight to keep her nasty comments to herself.

Recognise the work you do each day and the sacrifices you've made - and respect them. Nobody can make you feel unworthy or less of a person in any way unless you let them.

Maybe you need to buy this book for your MIL and DH?

I would have gone through the roof and they would have both known about it! Hence my longstanding reputation as "difficult and argumentative" within ex H's family. Honestly don't take that, go in hard, make them apprehensive to ever say anything like that again. What a pair of twats.

Lorelei- his parents.

Dh is normally so good with ds. He does his fair share and seems happy to do it. He also never made any comments about me not working, he knows I'm rushed off my feet all day. That's why it hurt so much, it was totally out of the blue.

And I'm pretty sure it was point scoring and making himself look good.

It's backfired hugely though. I'm doing the bare minimum to keep everyone alive today and for the next week or so. I'll let things hit apocalypse for a while. Great timing as he has an old friend coming to stay tonight and two other old friends coming on Saturday night. Hope they like slept in bedsheets and bringing their own food.

I shouldn't have even let myself get upset by mil. I'm more than aware she's a little unhinged and a lot mean but the sheer front of it shocked me.

Apparently dh saw fil this morning who apologised on her behalf . He said he wish he'd said something at the time but he was so shocked he couldn't speak. And sil has been texting me all morning with her attempt at being sweet so pretty sure she feels bad too. At least some of them have a little self awareness. Mil can quite frankly get fucked though.

We aren't dependant on them at all for money. They insisted on paying our property taxes last year as a gift as they're spending 10's of 1000s on sil's new house. I was very against it. I held out for a month saying 'no' but then they went to the town office and just paid them. Which I was grateful for but knew it would bite us on the ass.

Which it did. The last time we saw them fil had a rant at me saying how he had to work late to help us out. Me. Just me. Not dh.

Hell will freeze over before I accept another penny from them. It's just not worth the guilt tripping.

Anyway, I've had a lovely day so far. Did a few chores and fucked off to the beach with ds. And I intend to do pretty much sod all for the rest of the day too.

And although I'm sticking up for dh I'm more than aware that he's been a twat. We've had a pretty stressful few months and are possibly about to embark on fertility treatments which will put us in severe amounts of debt and I know that's really stressing him out money wise. Not an excuse for throwing me under the bus but I'm trying to make allowances a little.

When absolutely no one is looking except mil mouth 'fuckyou' repeatedly

Lol at that book!

If you grow lots of your own food I'd say it would be a while before I went hungry unlike DH who waits for his meal every night.
Your DH = dickhead.
Your DMIL = bitch of gigantic proportions.
I would have left the restaurant to be honest.

Can you 'accidentally' kick her next time you see her?

And maybe use one of his shirts to wipe up pee next time your DS has an accident?

Tell him what he said was uncalled for and he's being a nasty ass.

The food is coming to an end for the year thankfully. I'm meant to be putting the gardens to bed but not going to now.

Only here -

I'm sorry I was such a sap about it last night now. In the cold light of day I can shrug and say 'sod it' about mil.

Dh was a different matter though. I felt unsupported and crappy. He's just text to say he's got the stomach bug I had a couple of days ago (that nobody acknowledged) and I can't say I feel terribly upset about it.

Oh and tomorrow. Do nothing but the absolute minimum. Make sure you and DS are happy animals are fed and that's all. No cleaning, no cooking, nothing.

When he gets home expecting food, tell him that he was a complete asshole and considering you're a 'lazy' cow and he's the God who works all day to allow you to stay home and do sweet FA, he should expect nothing less then nothing being done. No food, no clean work clothes, no clean home and such. Cheeky git.

well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that
You'd be happy with your grandson going hungry would you? What sort of a grand mother are you?

Would be a suitable reply to cowbag MIL