To be hurt by dh and mil's comments?

[BummyMummy77]

I'm a sahm to ds who's almost 3.

Had dinner out with ds, dh, mother and father in law, dh's sister, her husband and their 1 year old.

Ds is potty training and is in that wonderful phase where he wants to pee every two minutes as he likes the praise. Great. Better than the constant wet trousers.

Anyway, after the 10th time of ds saying "I need a pee it's an emergency!" I say to everyone (in a jesty, 'oh God, here we go again' kind of way) "this is my life these days, every five minutes we're peeing!" and ask dh if he'll go and do it.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

Anyway I digress, he says "well if I'm going to keep helping him pee why are you not stripping roof shingles right now?". He then says it again five minutes later when ds asks for help to pee again.

This upsets me a little so I say "maybe you can do your own washing tomorrow" which I know was a little snippy but I felt like he was belittling me in front of his family. I felt humiliated.

So his Mum comes out with "well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."

I've not sent ds to the only possible childcare option where we live (on an island) which is a really shitty, substandard daycare. I would be over the moon to go get a part time job where I actually earn my own money and see people but I know what I'm doing is best for ds and us as a family.

I'm so bloody hurt. They all clearly see me as some lazy scrounger (and this stems from previous comments). I'm up at 4.30 every morning and literally don't sit down all day until about 10pm. Yet they all have this thing that because I don't have a paying job I'm lazy I guess.

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm asking this in aibu because I'm aware that for various reasons I have a tendency to be oversensitive at the moment and would like to gather some balanced options rather than a flaming .

Ive been a little weepy over this tonight, I feel like I'm busting my ass for my family and felt kind of proud but there's so many spiteful 'you need to get a real job comments' from dh's family it's really getting me down.

Well, to add another perspective before you go at MIL all guns blazing....

Your DH was being an arse, but it is so cringy when married couples row in public and of course your MIL will take her own child's side. With the washing comment, you really were washing your dirty linen in public. Better to have the fight at home with your DH, as soon as you row in public then you have dragged other people in to it - and as you have learned, not always to your benefit.

Sort this out with your DH, in your own home, when your child is in bed, through proper adult discussion of the issue. PA snippy comments at meals with his parents are not the optimal response to what sounds like a genuine and serious issue within your marriage.

Step away from the mil.

She is not your friend.

Is this the Mil who wouldn't look after ds so you could have a scan?

They both sound dire.

I would have left.

Awful comments - I would make sure your husband knows that it is his job to do half of the childcare when he is around - and he CANNOT speak to you like that - MIL should have got off her arse and helped you if her son was so tired. Definitely do not let this one go. Also I agree with the above - MIL is not your friend - keep an emotional distance.

OP, you aren't a sahm, you are a market gardener, work out how much growing stuff saves you.
Plus ds is his son when not in work he should cover half of responsibilities.
MILs should keep nose out, or offer to help!

The correct response to your d-bag husband would have been, " Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were in the middle of stripping shingles. Oh... You're not. So explain to me why you get to work 9-6 and I work 4.30-10?"

You cook. You clean. You provide child care and livestock management and you literally put food on the table. How is that 'not working' in any sense of the phrase?!

Your husband needs to sack up and realise that your labour is physical, mental and emotional (unlike his, which only ticks two boxes) and after he's home, you two split chores and childcare (aka parenting)..

For your MIL, I have no words.

Oh, actually, I do. She's a cunt.

I'd write a list of all the jobs you do do.

For example

4.00am wake up
4.30 - 6am sort animals out
6.30 shower
7am sort breakfast for DS and husband
etc
11pm bed.

Then ask him where could you find time for paid work.

I'd have gone ballistic if my MIL said something like that. However I wouldn't have had a conversation like that in front of my ILs either.

Fuck writing a list.

Leave DS at home with your wanker of a husband & go & visit your Dad.

Let him see what the fucking fairies do all day while you're sitting on your arse.

I'm steaming for you. I would not have held back from telling H & MIL a few home truths. What utter bastards the pair of them are.

Plus, HE wasn't roofing at the time. Him roofing x hours per day doesn't mean DS is your responsibility 24 hours a day. He's not just a roofer, he's a PARENT. Twat.

😡😡😡🔨

I'd write a list of all the jobs you do do.

For example

4.00am wake up
4.30 - 6am sort animals out
6.30 shower
7am sort breakfast for DS and husband
etc
11pm bed.

And then fuck off for a day leaving him to sort it all.

Wanker.

But really, you need to move away from these mean ole fuckers.

Nasty twats...do you want to stay where you arnt appreciated?

MIL shouldn't have chipped in, but WTAF is wrong with your husband belittling you like that?

Nasty!

If you are belittled by and in front of your mil and dh then of course you should respond there and then. To use a childish phrase they started it and you have a right to defend yourself. Why the hell should you keep things behind closed doors? For the sake of thatt British middle class sense of not airing ones dirty laundry. Bollox to that!

PPs are right that a paid job wouldn't fix this. It's sexism. If you worked too he wouldn't magically embrace cooking, washing, the animals or looking after DC. You'd still get put-downs because he earns more or simply because you're a woman and MIL expects you to wait on her son, job or no.

Have a serious talk with DH at another time, when MIL is not around.

Pp jogged my memory! You are the lady who needed a scan and MIL wouldn't babysit for a pathetic reason, aren't you? That woman is nasty! You really need your DH in your corner if your only other support is routinely so spectacularly unsupportive. You've got a hard enough lifestyle if you and your other half are a tight knit team. You are not just a brood mare! Go see your dad and get some distance and perspective

So - you do all of that, AND you left your own country, family, support network and friends in order to live in your DH's country.

I think I would be considering LTB.

Go visit your dad and have a rest while you think out the situation in your own mind .
You already run a house and and are self sufficient , so how much of a loss can he and his family be. Could you manage alone , could you bring up your son,alone ,but with a modern fair minded attitude to HIS future wife and family . Please don't let your son absorb these dreadful sexist views .

You have been posting about this horrible man and his toxic family for a long time, what will it take for you to say "Enough!"?

No disrespect to any mners at all but I bet you put in more hours than most of us on here - just because you don't leave the house doesn't mean it isn't working!! What a bloody awful pair! Would be distancing myself from now on.

Bastards

Your MIL is a witch - I would go NC as much as possible.

But the big problem here is your 'D'H. He shouldn't be siding with anybody who starts slating you in public - whoever they are. You are supposed to be a team; meaning you have each others backs and always support each other (at least in public!).

If you don't have your H on your side in life, what the hell is the point in that relationship? I've not read your backstory OP (I gather there is one from other posters) but just going on this thread, your H needs a huge kick up the arse

She sounds like a bitch and it sounds like you need to get out of there.

It sounds to me like you work bloody hard . So does your husband, but he also reaps the benefit of feeling smug with himself for 'earning a living' and graciously 'keeping his wife and child'.

You should've known better than to carry it on with the washing comment, but I understand why you did. After mil's comment, I wouldn't have been able to drop it and would've had a little rant with a smile on my face but making it clear that I would not accept being spoken to/about like that.

I would be hurt too. Sometimes though, people get carried away in what they say and revert to stereotypes they don't really believe in. I hope this is the case for your dh. Have a chat to him, tell him how you feel. You will both have frustrations around your work and it's easy to lose sight of things from the other side. He needs to know though that should anything like this come up again, he needs to back you up.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work

You dont think ^ THAT is work? Its lovely that you don;t see looking after your small DC as work but it is work. Its hard work! Its sad that maybe you yourself dont value^ it and your partner and his family dont either.

Its so sad in general we are starting to see mothers who choose to stay at home and look after their families as scroungers.

I only say this because of the way you have written your own op, ie - he is roofing which is why I get XY Z ready for HIM.

Start to value it all yourself first. Mils of course LOVE to think their darling babies are being put upon by their lazy wives....they relish this and love it.....