To be hurt by dh and mil's comments?

[BummyMummy77]

I'm a sahm to ds who's almost 3.

Had dinner out with ds, dh, mother and father in law, dh's sister, her husband and their 1 year old.

Ds is potty training and is in that wonderful phase where he wants to pee every two minutes as he likes the praise. Great. Better than the constant wet trousers.

Anyway, after the 10th time of ds saying "I need a pee it's an emergency!" I say to everyone (in a jesty, 'oh God, here we go again' kind of way) "this is my life these days, every five minutes we're peeing!" and ask dh if he'll go and do it.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

Anyway I digress, he says "well if I'm going to keep helping him pee why are you not stripping roof shingles right now?". He then says it again five minutes later when ds asks for help to pee again.

This upsets me a little so I say "maybe you can do your own washing tomorrow" which I know was a little snippy but I felt like he was belittling me in front of his family. I felt humiliated.

So his Mum comes out with "well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."

I've not sent ds to the only possible childcare option where we live (on an island) which is a really shitty, substandard daycare. I would be over the moon to go get a part time job where I actually earn my own money and see people but I know what I'm doing is best for ds and us as a family.

I'm so bloody hurt. They all clearly see me as some lazy scrounger (and this stems from previous comments). I'm up at 4.30 every morning and literally don't sit down all day until about 10pm. Yet they all have this thing that because I don't have a paying job I'm lazy I guess.

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm asking this in aibu because I'm aware that for various reasons I have a tendency to be oversensitive at the moment and would like to gather some balanced options rather than a flaming .

Ive been a little weepy over this tonight, I feel like I'm busting my ass for my family and felt kind of proud but there's so many spiteful 'you need to get a real job comments' from dh's family it's really getting me down.

I would give mil some space and not see her for a short while.

That's appalling, that's threatening financial abuse. Is your MIL normally abusive?

Doing what you're doing is absolutely work. I would make a loooooong list for your DH of all the things you do specifically for him that enable him to be out working all day. And make a list of things that he does does for you, which appears to be solely earn money, (if he feels like giving it to you which is not guaranteed).

Hidingtonothing has it nailed. While doing what she suggests, I would also avoid the mother in law forever.

I havent read your other threads so I wouldnt read your MiL's comment as actually suggesting financial abuse. What I do see it as is joining into a minor disagreement between you and your DH when it was none of her damn business.

In the situation you and your DH were as bad as each other. You both had a little dig at each other. My suggestion would be that you have a conversation with your DH away from MiL.

See if you can come to an agreement that what happened was not your finest hour for either of you. And agree that in public ie in front of family, you will always present a united front. All dirty laundry is done in private.

But hats off to you about growing most of your own food. We have a sizeable allotment and know just how much work is required to get to that level of self sufficiency. It is pretty much a full time job and a hard physical one.

Does your DH know how much work it takes to grow your own food?

Hi OP
I remember your other threads too - I hope you're feeling better now btw. I honestly think it will do your son more harm than good in the long run spending time with your in laws. They certainly don't appreciate you and treat you like dirt, and I include your "D"H in that too. I would cut my losses and leave them on their little island before your son joins in with their contemptuous behaviour towards you. You deserve so much more and are doing a stellar job under the circumstances.

My God what a nasty piece of work your MIL is.

Your DH's attitude sucks and if he's got his DM etc reinforcing the idea that his work is high value whilst your work is very low value to the point you're seen as lazy for not getting paid work you have a problem. Do as pp suggested and outline your 'plans' to return to work in detail and terrify him into understanding the huge impact you have on his peaceful enjoyment of his (unfairly apportioned) down time. If he's entrenched in his 1950s misogyny I would seriously consider leaving. I've been on the receiving end of this and it crushes your self belief and taints the precious early years of motherhood. Then he(and his disgusting DM) will realise your contribution was enormous whilst forking out his 'special man-money ' for maintenance. Am fuming on your behalf OP!!

Why don't you just get on a plane and visit your family. I'm sure you'd like to see your dad. Once there, send dh an email telling him how upset you were and hope the break apart will do you all good and help him to see how much you do out of love for your family.

How did you not take his mum's head off?! I'd have completely lost my shit at that point! Horrible, misogynistic bastards. I remember your other thread too and being fuming on your behalf. You sound so lovely and deserve so much better.

I would be very, very firm with your husband on this one. His mother isn't in your remit, but he is. I would be making sure he knew EXACTLY how uncomfortable his life would be without you in it, and that he understood in no uncertain terms that it is his job to a) be a parent to the child he chose to fucking create and b) tell his mother to get her neck wound in and her mouth shut if she ever dares say anything of the sort again.

How did you not take his mum's head off?! I'd have completely lost my shit at that point! Horrible, misogynistic bastards. I remember your other thread too and being fuming on your behalf. You sound so lovely and deserve so much better.

I would be very, very firm with your husband on this one. His mother isn't in your remit, but he is. I would be making sure he knew EXACTLY how uncomfortable his life would be without you in it, and that he understood in no uncertain terms that it is his job to a) be a parent to the child he chose to fucking create and b) tell his mother to get her neck wound in and her mouth shut if she ever dares say anything of the sort again.

It was a terrible thing for her to say. I would keep out of her way. Feign illnes for events where she will be. I would put your dhs comment down to him being knackered from roofing on that occasion.

Your life does sound very hard, have a think about whether you need to have the livestock and grow your own food etc it just sounds exhausting. Anyone up at 4.30 and toiling till 10.30 is going to be shattered. If its financial, does growing your own stuff and having animals really work out les expensive, taking into account your time?

💐

Your MIL should have never got herself involved by making a comment. If your husband thinks just because he doing paid work does not mean your contribution to the household is less than him.

Kudos to growing your own food. Would love to do that someday.

Reply well if DH only needs to work 9-5 so will I.

Then ask for suggestions from them all who will take on or how they will find someone else to cover your 4.30-9 and 5-10 shift so you can go and work out of the home in this period.

Sorry about your dad but you are not BU or over sensitive.

Forget about not earning, you do an AMAZING job looking after your son, the home AND basically running a farm! That's huge and is actually 2-3 jobs! And it goes without saying your DH and MIL were nasty and should be ashamed of themselves.

Tit for tat and you didn't like it when it was given back. Threatening to make him wash his own laundry was no worse than what MIL said.

Well the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree there eh?! No you're not being sensitive at all, what a pair of nasty people they sound. Is this the life you want for yourself and your DS?

It is really nasty and hurtful. Honestly, if your in-laws are so toxic, spend less time with them. I avoid mine like the plague.

Your husband is the real problem. That wasn't a very nice thing for him to say

I agree Sheldon, imagine forcing a grown man, a man who refuses to bring his own child to the toilet, to wash his own clothes!! It's unbelievably cruel to expect a man to lower himself to such a thing! I think threatening to starve his child was mild in the circumstances!

He goes out to work so that means he doesn't take his son to the loo??

HTF does he work that out?

Would he take any notice if you spoke about getting a job?

You still be doing all of the cleaning, cooking & childcare, wouldn't you?

That's fucking horrible. Being a SAHM doesn't mean your partner has no responsibility for childcare ever. My DH was up and out for a ten hour day on building site this morning and he still did one of the 3am feeds for our twins!

What a wanker. And his mother can stick it up her arse.

How did he react when your mil said that, that's the important thing.

Sounds like not H needs you more than you need him. Maybe he needs telling. MIL sounds like a cow tbh.

Where do they/you all live? I would be leaving and returning home with my child ASAP. They sound horrible and no, you are not being over sensitive.

Price up nannies/housekeepers/gardeners/farm labourers and tell DH how much his half to replace you is going to cost him. They both sound like arseholes.