To be hurt by dh and mil's comments?

[BummyMummy77]

I'm a sahm to ds who's almost 3.

Had dinner out with ds, dh, mother and father in law, dh's sister, her husband and their 1 year old.

Ds is potty training and is in that wonderful phase where he wants to pee every two minutes as he likes the praise. Great. Better than the constant wet trousers.

Anyway, after the 10th time of ds saying "I need a pee it's an emergency!" I say to everyone (in a jesty, 'oh God, here we go again' kind of way) "this is my life these days, every five minutes we're peeing!" and ask dh if he'll go and do it.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

Anyway I digress, he says "well if I'm going to keep helping him pee why are you not stripping roof shingles right now?". He then says it again five minutes later when ds asks for help to pee again.

This upsets me a little so I say "maybe you can do your own washing tomorrow" which I know was a little snippy but I felt like he was belittling me in front of his family. I felt humiliated.

So his Mum comes out with "well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."

I've not sent ds to the only possible childcare option where we live (on an island) which is a really shitty, substandard daycare. I would be over the moon to go get a part time job where I actually earn my own money and see people but I know what I'm doing is best for ds and us as a family.

I'm so bloody hurt. They all clearly see me as some lazy scrounger (and this stems from previous comments). I'm up at 4.30 every morning and literally don't sit down all day until about 10pm. Yet they all have this thing that because I don't have a paying job I'm lazy I guess.

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm asking this in aibu because I'm aware that for various reasons I have a tendency to be oversensitive at the moment and would like to gather some balanced options rather than a flaming .

Ive been a little weepy over this tonight, I feel like I'm busting my ass for my family and felt kind of proud but there's so many spiteful 'you need to get a real job comments' from dh's family it's really getting me down.

Hidingtonothing Thu 06-Oct-16 03:06:4

Love this, naughty yes but..

Well, you have learnt a few things. First is that your fellow female, your mil, is not on your side. If push comes to shove, she will throw you under the bus. So she is not someone to rely on. I would concentrate on making friends who build you up. I would also be infoming dh that until he can appreciate your input to the family and treat you with the respect you deserve when out in public, you won't be doing family things all together and he can go to family dinners on his own.

op are you the poster that need an urgent scan but the mil wouldnt have dxs because she wanted to go shopping?

if it is you she is very controlling and abusive-you dh built his sister a house unpaid aswell iirc?

u need to really think about if you ant to bring your ds up in this toxic family

they dont appreciate you and never will

I don't think you sound over-sensitive at all. I think you sound like a woman who is actually doing more than her fair share of work.

I feel quite passionately about this: it is NOT fair for one person to be doing household drudgery for 16 hours a day, while the other person works for 8. I don't care how physical the job is (cleaning can also be far more physical than most people appreciate) - the difference in sheer time terms is disproportionate, unequal and unfair.

I see this as a feminist issue! Basically, waged work relies on unwaged work in a myriad of ways. You are at home, doing the work of social reproduction, without financial reward. Without your labour (or some kind of substitute if you were at work, e.g. childcare), your DH would not be able to have a family, food on the table, a clean house - and society wouldn't get another generation of workers, which are actually needed to sustain the economy. However, because of the way we think about paid work, the work around social reproduction often isn't given any kind of monetary value. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't have the most enormous practical and emotional importance. (There is a whole range of feminist writing on "wages for housework" - (with good arguments on both sides) - maybe check some it out, it might help you to think through the issues you are facing).

I think it's just awful that your MIL and DH have thrown this in your face, both personally and politically. I would be refusing to see MIL any time soon, and reevaluating life with your DH. It doesn't have to be this way. DH has a responsible job with long hours, and he still helps out round the house when he gets in, because he's a decent guy.

If you were my daughter OP,I would be worried for you.Your ' contribution' will never be seen as equal and working yourself into the ground will impact on your health when you are old.

Send your child to the daycare ,he will learn to fly and do something for yourself alone to put a nest egg by.

Wish I were on that island to give a hand...

I've read your threads before if I have the right poster
tbh I think what your MIL said was nasty and I wouldn't bother with her - she doesn't help you with anything I think? - and I guess she thinks that anyone with a working partner should just be grateful.

but you are keeping livestock and growing veg etc, so AFAIC you are working apart from childcare - have I got that right?

if I have the right poster - think I have read comments about your ILs in the past - the whole set up is pretty bad. I'm not sure where you are from originally but you sound very isolated where you are and I'm guessing that's partly why you have contact with ILs?

I just wonder how someone in such an isolated spot could get help if they needed it and clearly you won't get it from them. Yes, I'd be hurt but I think this is part of a bigger problem unfortunately.

I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

In contrast, DH turns up for work, has a chat and a brew, does some straightforward stuff, stops for breakfast/chat, does a bit more, stops for mid-morning break/chat, a bit more then it's lunch/chat, cuppa mid afternoon and probably one before he leaves. Well, if he's anything like building guys I know – lovely SiL for one. And they can get on with their tasks without interruption.

From other threads I know this ancient attitude continues but challenging it isn't easy.

I hope it never happens to you but building work is notoriously fickle as well as bodies not being able to take the strain. What will he do when he has a day off, sit on the sofa?

Shove– it is a feminist issue. I remember a friend of ours who, whenever she met a new female socially, would ask, 'do you have a full time job or do you go out to work?' Said in front of males preferably.

no words.
YADNBU

your MIL is one thing
your "d"h should be sticking up for you. go and be with your parents for a bit, leave him to it.

I'm amazed about two things. Firstly that your poor effing excuse of a husband made that appalling comment to get out of taking his own child to the toilet but the MN massive go straight to condemning the MIL. Really? Husbands and fathers get a free pass to be useless shits but mothers need to be lovely? Do me a favour.

Secondly that so many people start families without discussing and agreeing on attitudes to sharing childcare and paid work. I have a friend who is surprised every day that her dh is so rubbish at pulling his weight domestically. But they never discussed it in advance, they both just thought yeah it would be great to have a baby.

Morris - I agree the DH behaved badly.

sorry, I think I am thinking back to OP's other comments about MIL and her situation in general and then just dumped my brain on the page!

You are not oversensitive!
She's lucky she didn't end up wearing her dinner!
As for your 'D'H who endorsed her comments - LTB, this will not get better!

Vile nasty twats, the pair of them.
They made it clear they are your enemies and they care nothing about you or your child!

of course the dh is out of order aswell-he shouldnt have made that comment once let alone twice-its like he done it to get back up from his dm

Yes, the principal problem is with the DH. But the attitude of the MIL more than doubles OP's distress. It'd be the same either way around, I think. DH makes twatty comment, OP thinks he's an arsehole, but moves on (and will possibly come to LTB in time). MIL makes twatty comment, OP thinks she's an arsehole, but it's only MIL.

They back each other up, and the bullying expands exponentially now that the room agrees OP should be a grateful willing slave.

I knew I recognised you name. As soon as you said island, ,I knew why.

These people are twats. It shouldn't matter thatbtheybarebthe only family. None would be better than these idiots. I bet what you do amounts to much more than your DH doing roofs. That's some list you have, even if you don't get paid to do it.

I'd honestly do the bare minimum I could, for you and your child and animals. Tell DH to get to fuck with his shitty comment and would he prefer you to go to work and he has to do 50% of the stuff at home? I bet he won't be keen on that idea! And tell your MIL you do plenty thanks and its unfortunate that the extensive list and your 15 hour days are unpaid but you are trying to give your husband and child and animals a decent standard of living.

Have as little to do with these people as you can. Next time your DH can take your DS to dinner and you can relax at home. It looks like they try to make you feel unwelcome.

I'd honestly tell your DH you can't live like this and you want to consider moving back home. Give him something to think about.

This attitude is ingrained and will not get better.

Great post shovetheholly

Err, you look after your DS, cook all the meals, do the housework, manage livestock and grow your own food. How is this not a job? Oh, yes, you don't get paid!

YANBU.

Yanbu. Don't feel bad about not earning, it sounds like you do more than your fair share. Your Husband should know that working elsewhere does not make him exempt from being a parent when he is off his day job. Your Mil needs to butt out and mind her own business. It's not her place to comment on your family's circumstances or finances.

both cunts, and bullies frankly

you need to sort out your own marital issues OP, but in the meantime...explore financial independence. I really mean that OP

what are you qualified in? please dont stay financially dependant on someone that speaks to you like that and does not stick up for you X

YANBU! Your mil sounds horrible, but's the attitude of your dh that really stinks. He should have your back at all times.

Definitely go to visit your DF, and before you go explain very clearly to your DH what you think about his attitude towards you.

Then let him sweat.

Your MIL is a bitch, but your real problem here is your DH.

Belittling me in front of my in-laws would be a LTB offence for me, I'm afraid - at least temporarily.

I loathe adults who are so busy scoring points off each other and keeping tally as to who has the hardest life, that they overlook the small child asking for a little help.

What father or grandmother would look at a child and think "Piss yourself where you stand, I'm not taking you, that's your mother's job" rather than reach out a hand, smile and say "Come on then"? Fuckwits.

On another note. The frequent 'need to go'. Do you think your child could have a water infection?

Goodness, thank you so much for all your replies.

I do take on board I shouldn't have made the snippy laundry comment. I was mad at being made to feel undervalued but I agree, being party to another couple's bickering is really embarrassing and awkward. I did say it in a very light heated jokey way.

I've tried to take a step back and see if mil's comment could be construed as jokey too but the tone in which she said it was serious. And even as a joke I feel it's inappropriate overused term I hate, sorry.

It is the same mil that refused to have ds when I had a busy cyst a while back. This is only the second time I've seen her since as I've deliberately put space between us. This has confirmed for me that spending any time with them is not good for our family.

Also last night sil had a screaming row with her husband. I just can't do this whole arguing thing. My family are not like that. If (rarely) one of us has a problem with another we'll mention it quietly and talk it out. But this happens once every ten years or something. We just get on.

I don't want ds to be exposed to this. It's horrible.

I went off on my own and was pretty sad last night and dh is very contrite this morning. Lots of apologies and telling me he is proud of what I do. He says that he just felt like nobody appreciates how hard he works. I don't want to diminish his feelings and I'm sorry if that's how he feels but I'm not entirely sure it's true. I'm always thanking him for what he does and I think it was due to his family being around. He likes to act the martyr to get his parents sympathy and attention (they HUGELY favouritise the sil).

I've posted before about their toxic relationship and we've both backed right off and not seen them for months as I mentioned.

I'm going to cut right back on what I do as from now. Dh or his family can take up the slack if it's so bloody easy.

After another thread I had moaning about having to go to the UK every holiday to see family we are actually going back at Christmas now. With my Dad's diagnosis I just want to spend it with him. They spent a good 20 minutes last night moaning about how we'd struggle to afford it.

It was hard enough when it was aimed at dh and just general family bickering but now it's aimed at me and I'm starting to be snippy too I'm done with them. Not what I want ds to grow up around.

I just walked off last night and walked home on my own pretty soon after she'd said it. I was at a loss as to what to say that wasn't going to be either me crying or arguing. Apparently she said to dh "was it what I said about the money?" so she knows damn well it was mean. Dh is saying he'll get her to apologise. I can't imagine anything worse, an awkward, forced, insincere apology.