To be hurt by dh and mil's comments?

[BummyMummy77]

I'm a sahm to ds who's almost 3.

Had dinner out with ds, dh, mother and father in law, dh's sister, her husband and their 1 year old.

Ds is potty training and is in that wonderful phase where he wants to pee every two minutes as he likes the praise. Great. Better than the constant wet trousers.

Anyway, after the 10th time of ds saying "I need a pee it's an emergency!" I say to everyone (in a jesty, 'oh God, here we go again' kind of way) "this is my life these days, every five minutes we're peeing!" and ask dh if he'll go and do it.

Dh has been roofing all day which I KNOW is exhausting. That's why I clean the house, have dinner cooked and cleaned up when he gets in, animals (we have livestock as well as cats and dogs) fed, kid fed, laundry done, gardens (I grow most of our own food) done. I feel bad that I don't 'work'.

Anyway I digress, he says "well if I'm going to keep helping him pee why are you not stripping roof shingles right now?". He then says it again five minutes later when ds asks for help to pee again.

This upsets me a little so I say "maybe you can do your own washing tomorrow" which I know was a little snippy but I felt like he was belittling me in front of his family. I felt humiliated.

So his Mum comes out with "well maybe he won't give you any money for food for you and (ds) for the next couple of weeks and see how you like that."

I've not sent ds to the only possible childcare option where we live (on an island) which is a really shitty, substandard daycare. I would be over the moon to go get a part time job where I actually earn my own money and see people but I know what I'm doing is best for ds and us as a family.

I'm so bloody hurt. They all clearly see me as some lazy scrounger (and this stems from previous comments). I'm up at 4.30 every morning and literally don't sit down all day until about 10pm. Yet they all have this thing that because I don't have a paying job I'm lazy I guess.

Am I being over sensitive?

I'm asking this in aibu because I'm aware that for various reasons I have a tendency to be oversensitive at the moment and would like to gather some balanced options rather than a flaming .

Ive been a little weepy over this tonight, I feel like I'm busting my ass for my family and felt kind of proud but there's so many spiteful 'you need to get a real job comments' from dh's family it's really getting me down.

Your DH sounds pathetic, disloyal, and nasty - scoring points off you for attention is disgusting, and your MIL sounds like a horrible bitch too.
You must feel really down about it! :(

OP "They spent a good 20 minutes last night moaning about how we'd struggle to afford it"

sorry, who is "they"?

when you say you will cut back on what you do, I'm assuming the livestock and food growing either makes money or means you live off both, so can you cut back on that, is it even possible?

I'm probably missing a chunk of background but if you are effectively living on a small island with the ILs as your main social thing, then I think you need to make changes - sorry. Have you got friends in this set up?

Cut your loses and move on- he's a roofer not a doctor. My mother was in the exact same situation as you. When her mil said something as nasty my mother replied- If you had done your job as a mother then my husband would not be suffering in a low paid job. There are options available in this country. My mothers country of origin is in South Asia where if you don't educate your children then life chances are grim.

I would stop doing everything.

Obviously make sure you and ds and animals are fed, but nothing else. Do your own washing cook your own tea but do nothing for him.

He will soon realise that do a hell of a lot and that your job is probably as demanding as his if not more. How many builders and roofers do you see sat on their arses... Quite a lot

I'd have told mil to fuck off, and after that comment if she ever thought she was seeing her grandchild, who she would let starve, again then she has another thing coming.

I'd probably give DH a chance to stop being such a nasty shit, and if he didn't change I'd show him round to his mothers and tell him not to darken my door again!

I just wanted to ask does your dh always think that doing something for his son is a chore and woman's work? Because if so, he is missing out on so much, as is your son.

You are imo focussing too much on MIL.

You haven't see them for a while because they are so awful & then your husband ridicules you in front of them!

Because he wants attention!!!

Do you have friends/a social life outside of your ILs?

This is awful awful awful. I'm sorry you have to put up with such horrible people. It sounds like you could be going non-stop from dawn until dusk and it's still not acknowledged because it doesn't earn money. I hate this small minded money obsessed status competitive bullshit! They won't change their mindset. I'm a SAHM and don't do half what you do, and I would lay into anyone who said anything. Back away and spend as much time as you can with your dad Who fucking cares how much it will cost.

Bunch of bastards!!! So he works 8 hours a day but you work 24?! Nope!! He's home from work and childcare is then responsibility of both parents!! Not just you .... his mum should have butt out, not her place to comment!!

This

Yanbu OP- I would be seething if I were you. Your DH made some pretty awful comments but the MIL fuck me what a bitch!

ok clearly the family is completely toxic
but you didn't marry them, you married dh

it's his behaviour you have to focus on and make sure how you just won't put up with it. don't let him sidestep this into an issue about what MIL said - if he had stood up for you, or was 100% on your side you wouldn't give a shit what she said, that's not what has upset you. make sure your dh knows this.

Has he even spoken to you like this before?

If not-what has changed?

He abused you to stop his family abusing him??

Milk "Cut your loses and move on- he's a roofer not a doctor."

bit thrown by that one, not sure what it's got to do with anything.

Your MIL absolutely should not have got involved in your argument.

That would have really upset me, they were both out of order.

Wow that is astonishingly bad.

Why on earth is the MIL jumping in with completely disproportionate and revolting comments like that? So she thinks you are doing nothing and deserve to starve along with her grandchild. I would use your temper and tear shreds off them both OP.

Then I would honestly look for a job, any job, and explain to your DH that not earning had knocked your confidence you're not happy with the family dynamic and you won't be considered a layabout scrounger. Tell him work at home is going to have to be split depending on your hours and he's going to have to take his son for a piss at some point.

I actually think I would consider LTB for that. The problem is it's not the words, it's the feelings and attitude he had towards you which they betray which I just wouldn't see ever changing.

I am actually furious on your behalf. This is exactly the sort of shit I expect out my MILs mouth.

Disgusting.

The money thing is also a huge form of control. Your MIL is saying "do what we tell you or we will let you starve."

"Your MIL is saying "do what we tell you or we will let you starve."

Are they reliant on ILs for money?

actually OP I just want to add something and I really apologise if I'm projecting

you say your DH said this "He says that he just felt like nobody appreciates how hard he works."

I'm low-contact with my dad. Frankly it would be NC if he didn't live with my mum! One of the things he can't accept is that his kids don't like him for various reasons and, in the past when were trying to work on the relationship he constantly said "Nobody appreciates how hard I work or what I do". After he retired he put it in the past tense. He says it like a child and it's also completely irrelevant because me and my sis don't take money from him anyway.

It's actually not true that we don't respect the career he had - we really do and I for one feel massively inferior that I couldn't match it. But for some reason he thinks it's a like a cover for any bad behaviour - "I worked hard, I was good at my job and gave you a good home". yes, but in our 40s now it's not really anything to do with how our relationship runs.

I just point that out because I wonder if your DH has the same kind of "emotional incoherence" I call it - like he thinks he works hard, therefore any irrational behaviour, any stupid behaviour can be excused? That's how my dad thinks and it hasn't got better since I left home at 18.

It's like they think working hard excuses them from all stress outbursts. I accept that hard work may occasional stressful outbursts but putting you down like that in front of your MIL and refusing to take DC to the bathroom is not the same as just being a bit snappy because of stress and tiredness.

sorry, that was long!

HAAAAAAAAAA
I'd be booking a weekend away its friends/having someone desperately need your assistance for a couple of days. Leave them with DS. And the house. And the garden. Cooking. Washing. Cleaning. Potty training. Etc etc.
Perhaps their attitudes would of changed when you arrive back?

I thought it was you, you poor thing. :(

I really struggle to see how you can cope with staying there, it sounds beyond shit, and if your DH is going to start behaving like that when his fucking bastard family are around, then he can fuck off too - that's just dreadful! throwing you under the wheels like that, just to score points with the toxic fuckers -

I'd be sorely tempted, SORELY tempted, to say that you're staying in the UK because of your Dad's illness - let them all get on with it without you. Your DS isn't in school yet, so now is the time to take an extended holiday - no more than that, as I'm sure you're just as aware of the Hague convention as I am - and realise how fucking horrible your situation over there is.

It's easy for me to say, I know - I don't know what I'd do if I had your situation, I'm relatively lucky in that my MIL isn't a toxic bitch and does actually help out, and DH isn't a scapegoat child who is desperate for parental affection and approval - but I feel so bad and sad for you every time I read one of your posts, I wish that there was a good way out of it for you.

PS sorry now I've said that, in the interests of fairness I should say dad did loads of childcare and spent every non-work moment with us. So he would never have said to mum "If I'm taking kids to the bathroom, why aren't you roofing" and he cooked, cleaned etc.

You have had some brilliant responses and all i can add is, your dh is not a good parent at all. Any decent father wouldn't have minded taking their own child to the toilet ffs.
Mil is toxic, you deserve much better than both of these two.

OK so you work from 4.30am-10pm 17.5 hours per day, lets give you an hour off for meals, so 16.5 hours, if that's 7 days a week then you work 115.5 hours a week. In the UK the minimum you can legally be paid is £7.20 per hour so that works out as £831.60. Half the childcare, housework etc is for your benefit and half for DH so I calculate you are working for him to the value of £415.80 per week. Of course if you were not at home any nanny/housekeeper would charge more per hour so he would actually pay much more than this. If there are any more comments about you not having a paid job send him an invoice.

Oh OP. I hae noting to add except that I agree you MiL is a toxic person. But TBH I'm more disappointed in your DH

I hope you're all better from your cyst. I remember your thread about the ILs then and I'm sorry to see they just have not improved