School runs arent that difficult?

[Mildinsanity]

AIBU?
My DP and I work full time with a 1.5hr commute eith way so DCs dad comes and does the childcare/ school runs etc.

End of last term I recieved a letter from the school saying the DCs are repeatedly late in and if it continues they will make a report to the welfare people.

I spoke to DCs dad and he apologised and said it wont happen again and he'll ensure they get there on time.

Which brings us to today, I have a very rare day off work (own buisness so DP and I schedules are usually jam packed to try and make ends meet) and DCs dad says he will still do the school run.
He arrives at 7am as usual and gets the kids up so I can try and get some rest.
8.50 and they have only just left (school starts at 8.50 and its a 10 minute walk).

Now it could be they are having a particulary bad morning but I dont believe thats the case.

I went downstairs to hurry them up at 8.30 because I know they should be ready and leaving and they werent even dressed ready, I hurried them to get dressed as they were apparently ignoring their dad but he didnt seem all that bothered to encorage them as he was outside with a fag.

If this is what it is like everyday no wonder they are late, he just doesnt seem bothered and says they wont listen to him.
I think its his job as a parent (he doesnt work btw) to make them listen and ensure they leave on time.

AIBU to think it doesnt take nearly 2 hours to get 4 DCs (3,6,7,8) ready for school?

[fruitbrewhaha]

ExH is being crap. I don't see why this is a chaotic arrangement. A nanny would be doing the same thing for a family. He totally needs to get his shit together and so do the kids.

Is he happy and willing to do this or is it a begrudgingly carried out arrangement? I wonder if he is being passive aggressive. "I'll do it, but I'll be so shit at it you have to make another arrangement".

I expect the kids have got out of the habbit and getting on with it too. The 8 7 and 6 year olds should be able to get them selves dresses, teeth brushed and hair brushed. If they've got long difficult to brush hair they need to sleep in braids, to make it easier. ExH can dress the little one.

Do they watch TV? We have a no tv rule in the mornings, the children get sucked in.

Perhaps break it all down, I sort of do in my head. They have to be up and dressed by 7:20 and only then come down stairs. Brush and do hair while at the table. Eating breakfast by 7:45. That kind of thing. Write it up on a poster and stick up in the kitchen, with a clock. The older ones can check off each can activity against the clock and if they are ahead of time, they get 10mins of tv.

And EXH can wait until he has dropped the kids off and have his fag while walking home.

[Okkitokkiunga]

Your xh is incompetent.

I can't believe some of the suggestions on here.

Are your dc's upset by being late? I only have 2 but their uniforms are laid out the night before and they have to get dressed as soon as they wake up. If you are starting breakfast off the older ones at least should be able to clean their teeth unsupervised.

God if this was a man moaning about a his DCs mother he'd get his arse handed to him on a plate!!!

[smEGGontoast]

Paying their father to care for his own children is a ridiculous suggestion.

Tell him that he needs to do the bloody job, properly, or you will be forced to get paid childcare which he must contribute half towards seeing as he pays nothing for them at the moment.

[TheColonelAdoresPuffins]

I agree with tiggytape

[Manumission]

NEWMUM he is there dad so no I dont pay him.

Hang on, that sounds superficially reasonable, BUT this isn't general stuff that happens on his contact or his days at his place.

He's doing you a favour of coming over early every week day (your days with the DC presumably) to your house to one of the least fun, most stressful bits of parenting so that YOU can go and earn a dual income with YOUR DP for your household,while he's jobless.

What's actually in it for him? You're treating him like free staff.

No wonder he's half-arsed, he might even be depressed with the whole situation.

[DinosaursRoar]

Definately try having them dressed before he arrives. Have food that can be eaten on the walk to school (like bananas, brioce rolls etc) in the house if they fail to eat before leaving. Set alarm for 8:30am for 'shoes on, time to leave'. Tell your Ex you are doing this to hopefully stop you both getting in trouble with the school. Tell your DCs pocket money is dependent on them being at school on time every day for the week and you will make them responsible for this - explain the 8:30am alarm is 'time to leave' alarm.

It's shit he's shit at very basic parenting, but I'm guessing if he was perfect he wouldn't be your ex. You can't wish him into being less rubbish, you can't nag someone who doesn't give a shit into caring. You've got to work with what you've got for a few weeks, see if you can make it work, then look at paid for care if you can't.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

You go on about your ex not contributing financially and not having a job. But if he did have a job you would be right up shit creek

But he doesn't so.....

[MargotLovedTom]

Well OP said he doesn't have them at the weekends so this is the only time he sees them

[abbsismyhero]

Yes pay him then sack him for being shit at his job

[MargotLovedTom]

That was to Manumission.

[Believeitornot]

Why didn't you take them on your day off to see what it's like?

[Okkitokkiunga]

Did you stop doing school run 4 months ago due to your business taking off? So in fact this is a temporary situation.

He contributes nothing financially now, did he contribute anything before/ have them at his place at all for shared care?

Did you ask him to do the school run or did he offer?

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

If this is the only contribution that your ex is making to his children, then YADNBU. The bottom line is that he can't be arsed, and as you are the one that is in loco parentis, ultimately you will be the one with their head on the block as far as the school is concerned - ergo, why would he give a crap about getting them to school on time when you'll be the one to suffer the consequences.

[ayeokthen]

DP leaves for work at 6, we get up at 5. I have a coffee and a wee read of the paper/watch telly for 10 minutes, get the kids (2, 3 and 9) up at 6.30, they have breakfast, each has a shower, dressed, hair done and out the door for 8am. I leave an hour and half for this so I'm not constantly chivvying and nagging at them.

[Manumission]

Yes, Margot, imagine only ever seeing your DC on the morning school run.

On your exes days.

In fact, imagine this scenario with the sexes reversed.

[Okkitokkiunga]

I mean temp situation as you won't have to put up with it forever if he doesn't sort himself out, not temp situation as in don't moan.

[intheknickersoftime]

I think tiggytape is right also. He is clearly your ex for good reason and massively incompetent. But by acknowledging that is it helping your situation? Because this is undoubtedly a shit situation but there is nothing else to do but try and make it work, or sack off the school runs with Dad and organise paid childcare. Those are the OPs only choices and she is stuck between a rock and hard place. So the only situation in the short term is to try and mediate with the Dad to make it work and then take it from there. Because the welfare offices are going to want answers and results. I would still scout out childcare options OP though.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

Oh manumission you do crack a good joke

[DetailedConfusion]

Have to agree with Manumission too.

[MargotLovedTom]

Well presumably he could have them at the weekend if he wanted?! OP said she and her partner work six days a wekk, she has Sunday with her children. Don't know who is looking after them on Saturdays but as he said the ex has all his weekends free it's obviously not him.

[listsandbudgets]

It is an organisation and routine thing.

We normally get up at 6.20. I shower and dress then wake children (ds 4 dd 10). Breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, pack snack bags then play time until 7.40 - how much time they get to play depends on how well they co-operate earlier. Coats on, pick up bags out of house at 7.45. In school by 8 for early sessions.

If dp is away I'm up at 6, wake children at 6.20, breakfast, bathroom, get dressed bit of play time and out of door to walk to bus stop at 7.15am. In school at 8. Go to work. Collapse

[Dontstepinthecowpat]

I can't believe posters suggesting that you should do more/pay him. He is the other parent.

We also run our own business and I leave for work at 7 am, she comes in kids are in bed/pjs. Breakfast, some homework, tidy rooms, make beds and leaves house as she finds it once they are all off to school/nursery. It's exactly what I would be doing as the parent if I was not at work.

What age are the DC OP - I leave clothes out for my three in their rooms (age 4, 6 and 8) and they know that they don't come down for breakfast until they are dressed. It seems to be the part that takes the longest so once that is done everything else follows easier. I have bags packed and hung up next to jackets/shoes. I know he should be able to manage the basics but I find if I do these as soon as I get home from work it takes 5 minutes but saves 15 in the morning when the kids are underfoot.

[MargotLovedTom]

Again that was to Manumission. And it should have been 'she said the ex...' not he.

[PenelopeFlintstone]

I'm in a different country. This is a serious question. I'm not being flippant at all, I promise. Just say that it continues and the kids are 10 minutes late every day, and the school notifies the welfare, what's the worst that will happen? Could it be something serious, a stern talking-to? What happens in these situations? Especially considering there are much worse this happening to kids and the services are overstretched. (Not that we'd want the kids to be late every day though.)