School runs arent that difficult?

[Mildinsanity]

AIBU?
My DP and I work full time with a 1.5hr commute eith way so DCs dad comes and does the childcare/ school runs etc.

End of last term I recieved a letter from the school saying the DCs are repeatedly late in and if it continues they will make a report to the welfare people.

I spoke to DCs dad and he apologised and said it wont happen again and he'll ensure they get there on time.

Which brings us to today, I have a very rare day off work (own buisness so DP and I schedules are usually jam packed to try and make ends meet) and DCs dad says he will still do the school run.
He arrives at 7am as usual and gets the kids up so I can try and get some rest.
8.50 and they have only just left (school starts at 8.50 and its a 10 minute walk).

Now it could be they are having a particulary bad morning but I dont believe thats the case.

I went downstairs to hurry them up at 8.30 because I know they should be ready and leaving and they werent even dressed ready, I hurried them to get dressed as they were apparently ignoring their dad but he didnt seem all that bothered to encorage them as he was outside with a fag.

If this is what it is like everyday no wonder they are late, he just doesnt seem bothered and says they wont listen to him.
I think its his job as a parent (he doesnt work btw) to make them listen and ensure they leave on time.

AIBU to think it doesnt take nearly 2 hours to get 4 DCs (3,6,7,8) ready for school?

[SatsukiKusakabe]

I actually think the closer somewhere is, the more time 'late' people think they have, and the more likely they are to screw it up. Speaking as a reformed late person.

[intheknickersoftime]

The only way I could ever make sure that mine were up and ready when they were small was to have everything, and I mean everything ready the night before. Pants socks tshirt jumper bookbag (with everything in) and coat hung up and shoes together by the door. One lost shoe, the inability to find a pair of pants can send me into a screaming stressed frenzy. I am not making excuses for your childrens father but its not his house that the children live in so I guess it would be difficult for him to know where to find everything? Ask him what the problem is, if you could make sure the above happens the night before that would help him and see if that works over the next two weeks. If he's still late, you will have to organize a childminder. You can't afford to mess about now, just be proactive. Hope it works out for you, it sounds like a really stressful situation.

[JenLindleyShitMom]

he won't get them sorted in time then what can be done?

What can be done? Well when the welfare people come knocking OP provides them with his address and phone number and leave them to put a rocket up his arse.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

You all need to sit down and put a process in place that works. This one doesn't work and it's the DCs who are being disadvantaged by it. Whether the new process is that your ex comes earlier or that you wake the DCs up or that your DP puts breakfast out the night before.
It doesn't really matter how many DCs we can get out to school on time. What matters is that this isn't working for your DCs. I also think there will be a time lag of your ex getting into your house, seeing what stage everyone is at, and then starting to get organised even if that's only another 10 minutes - that's the difference between being on time and being late.
I wouldn't assume that what you witnessed when you were there is what happens every morning. DCs respond differently when they know there is an adult upstairs in bed. It's another issue that the school run parent has to compensate for.

[intheknickersoftime]

c3pu rule number 1 is the way forward. Fucking Pokemon has a lot to answer for in this house!

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Yanbu.

Dd1 is a chronic faffer nut I have always managed to get them up fed dressed and out the door and on and off multiple buses on time every Day.

No one makes it easy for me by getting u inform or lunches ready. I do that too every evening. Dp goes to work early

If he's got time to have a fag he's got time to sort the kids.

I can't believe people think know you should baby him even more by doing half of it fir him.

Just cos he doesn't live with you doesn't mean he doesn't have to parent his children properly and get them to school on time

[a8mint]

You go on about your ex not contributing financially and not having a job. But if he did have a job you would be right up shit creek

[Brankolium]

What a pain in the arse he sounds. Set all the clocks in your house 15 mins late?

Or have a chat with the kids and get them to take a bit more responsibility for getting out of the house on time. "Timekeeping isn't something Dad is great at, so you guys need to come up with a plan to get to school on time. What time do you need to be dressed by? Breakfast? Teeth?" Then set alarms for those times so they can tell if they're running late and need to speed up.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

YABU, but if I were him I'd allow more time. It takes us 4 hours in the morning, that's why we're never late. Even then, we made it with 5 minutes to spare this morning. Tantrums, arguing and a DD who lives in her own little bubble.

[Mildinsanity]

He does know about the letters... not sure he cares to much as its me that will get in trouble.

The DCs sort their breakfasts out when Im getting ready so are up and nearly always fed before he turns up.

I will look into a childminder but money is extremly tight at the moment hence the many working hours.
I get home at 5.30pm and pick them up from my dads and do they evening childcare.

Id love to do all the childcare myself but unfortunatly keeping a roof over our heads comes first.
Hopefully the way my buisness is going this will be a tempoary problem but for now its bloody hard work.

[DinosaursRoar]

As you are the resident parent, you need to sort it as it's you that'll get it in the neck from the school.

It is not that difficult to get children dressed and out of the door by 8:30am if you are starting at 7am and already are up and dressed yourself.

He is just chosing not to do it.

You need to make other arrangements. If you don't' want to use a childminder for cost reasons, then you have to have the DCs ready before you leave. If you were using a childminder then they would have to be dressed before you leave anyway. If he just has to get their shoes on and walk them to school, that's a bit more realistic, and you can set an alarm for 8:30am. The 7 and 8 year olds are old enough to know if they want to be on time they have to leave at 8:30am.

This isn't working. You can't make him give a shit, so find another solution. I'd try him still taking them but you having htem ready to go when you leave between now and half term. After that, you might have to get a paid for childcare option.

[mimishimmi]

Do you pay him to do this for you OP? Maybe that would motivate him more. Or you could get an au-pair for this.

[MargotLovedTom]

"What can be done? Well when the welfare people come knocking OP provides them with his address and phone number and leave them to put a rocket up his arse."

I think that would be for the best. What else can OP do, without having to run the show herself?

[DetailedConfusion]

He is definitely being unreasonable.

In your position, I would speak to him but also speak to the dc. The three oldest are plenty old enough to be told they're responsible for getting themselves ready (teeth/wash/dressed/breakfast) to leave by 8.30. Show them on the clock, drill it into them and make sure they know where all their clothes are and are capable in getting themselves breakfast etc.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

Pay their father?

Are you kidding

[Mildinsanity]

a8mint... no not really because then maybe I could get him to actually pay something so I could afford a childminder who would get them to school on time.

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

Don't want to blow my own trumpet but I get 6 kids to 4 schools on time and me to work on a morning!! Think my body runs purely on adrenaline most days tho! Life is manic.

[blaeberry]

Yes the father does need to get it together and is failing but that doesn't absolve the op of her responsibility. The EWO won't just say 'ok then it isn't your fault' just because it is the dad who is incompetent,

[TheColonelAdoresPuffins]

While he is doing the school run he is going to have less job options available. Could you book a childminder and give him six months to find a job and start contributing to their upkeep, otherwise you will go back to him taking them. Hopefully it won't come to that as then you'll have welfare on your arse again.

[MargotLovedTom]

Bathsheba FOUR hours? Was that an exaggeration?!

[intheknickersoftime]

I can't believe people think know you should baby him even more by doing half of it fir him.

It's not about babying him, its about finding a way that works for the children involved. If its never going to work the OP is going to have to pay for a childminder, which the childs father is not going to be able to contribute towards. It must be frustrating and annoying for the op but I think she is going to have to do the brunt of the work to get this resolved and to make sure the children are happy and at school on time.

[MargotLovedTom]

Would it be better if your dad did the mornings and ex has them after school?

[Mildinsanity]

Ive heard it all now maybe I should pay my DCs PARENT as an incentive to look after HIS children.

Thank you for all the helpful suggestions I will have to have a serious discussion with him to see what I can do to help or look at how I can work with my budget to get a childminder.

[MargotLovedTom]

Obviously not great for your dad but just as a short term thing.

[fruitbrewhaha]

ExH is being crap. I don't see why this is a chaotic arrangement. A nanny would be doing the same thing for a family. He totally needs to get his shit together and so do the kids.

Is he happy and willing to do this or is it a begrudgingly carried out arrangement? I wonder if he is being passive aggressive. "I'll do it, but I'll be so shit at it you have to make another arrangement".

I expect the kids have got out of the habbit and getting on with it too. The 8 7 and 6 year olds should be able to get them selves dresses, teeth brushed and hair brushed. If they've got long difficult to brush hair they need to sleep in braids, to make it easier. ExH can dress the little one.

Do they watch TV? We have a no tv rule in the mornings, the children get sucked in.

Perhaps break it all down, I sort of do in my head. They have to be up and dressed by 7:20 and only then come down stairs. Brush and do hair while at the table. Eating breakfast by 7:45. That kind of thing. Write it up on a poster and stick up in the kitchen, with a clock. The older ones can check off each can activity against the clock and if they are ahead of time, they get 10mins of tv.

And EXH can wait until he has dropped the kids off and have his fag while walking home.