To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

Yes Nak it is obvious you hate private schools, as I said, take your rose tinted specs off, not all state schools are great, as is not all independent schools are good either. If you have the money, why not pay, this is a democratic society in which people have choice. Yes if you cannot afford the fees for private, it does limit your choice.

To think that teachers in private schools only teach there because of the money is insulting, yes that is probably a factor amongst others, but to use that as the only factor is horrid!

sunny they have two bars in the bank ( fuck knows why but hey ho) plus assets.

The investment income alone would sort fees for several kids.

Sorry, had an unplanned visitor.

First off, aside of the finances, I would prefer my dc to have a state primary education, that is my own personal preference based on my own upbringing and beliefs. I really want to give our local state Primary a chance before we jump into private, yes private offers so many other opportunities but it doesn't mean they will be happier.

Secondly, this has a been a huge shock, not even a week ago we were considering private education and now we are, there are so many things to think about. I don't believe DH would have asked PIL outright but he may have mentioned something about considering private, he probably was having second thoughts about state.

The other most concerning things, is what death brought up earlier in the thread (e.g if me and DH were to divorce or we had another child or god forbid PILs lost all their money), this would totally change the goal posts and once my children were in Private I would not want to shift them back to state (especially in secondary).

Children spend a huge amount of their waking lives at school. It's a place where friendships are formed and where children's ideas about the world generally are shaped.

State primary schools and secondary schools tend to be very much 'in' the local community - often within walking distance. School friends are quite likely to be neighbours, so out of school socialising is easy.

Private schools are often more removed and typically chldren will be driven in by car.

On Mumsnet generally intevention by inlaws if frowned on. A mother in law must not give grandchildren the wrong food or the wrong clothes or attempt to impose her rules. So it is a bit odd that attempting to purchase over a dozen years of education/socialisation is seen as simply a very generous gesture.

I think that as a parent it's incredibly important that you feel as happy as possible with the culture of the school that your child attends, I had occasional minor issues with both the primary school and the secondary school my daughter had attended. But because they were the schools that we - husband, daughter and I - had chosen together, it was fairly easy to resolve the glitches.

But if in-laws had shaped the choices, I suspect it would have been more complicated.

swimmer it's very easy to set up a trust so that the money for school fees is ring fenced and safe.

It's also tax effective.

I cannot imagine your PILs intend to move the fees termly .

I absolutely couldn't get involved in this unless they were prepared to give you a sum of money that would cover all fees and invite you to do as you wished with it. The level of obligation and involvement that comes with such a massive financial commitment is beyond what I could cope with.

I have always felt that unless you have so much money that you can pay the fees and not go without in other areas (impossible for most) then private schooling is very tricky. The parents I know with privately educated children (grandparents are involved in every case) are also members of private gyms, fly long haul for holidays, children Do county level expensive sports etc etc.

I speak as a privately educated child of 2 people who could not afford it without grandparents chipping in. I always felt the poorer girl, I had never been abroad or even to a nice hotel, I had second hand clothes and bikes etc. In my state primary school I had never felt shabby burnt was plainly obvious in the independent school. No one ever pointed it out to me but I knew.

My parents never went on holidays, had a reliable car or nice clothes and worked worked worked. These sacrifices are not IMO worth it. The money would have been better used on a comfortable bigger home, no car stress and parents who were more present for us.

Also I am ideologically opposed to private schools as it's another way to ensure wealth and privilege are not shared. My siblings also went to private schools (dsis to a MN favourite) and their school's were obsessed with a limited number of avenues/careers - unsurprisingly those with high pay and status. My own DC are at the closest state primary, chosen for its proximity alone. They are both thriving despite differing needs, large classes and behavioural issues among their peers. They are also learning important skills for life - getting on with others despite different backgrounds and issues and that you have to knuckle down and work hard to take advantage of opportunities. I have issues with the school that I am working with the school and other parents to address - more involved positive parents can make a huge difference. I see it as an important social duty to out my energies where they can really help not only my own DC but those who have less advantages too.

I left my private school out of unhappiness at not fitting in and went to a comp - I and my friends from there all went on to good unis and are all now happy, successful, home owning, employed, professionals.

If they'll give you the money and let you make your own choices then consider it. If it's a very conditional gift I'd be exceedingly wary.

I absolutely couldn't get involved in this unless they were prepared to give you a sum of money that would cover all fees and invite you to do as you wished with it. The level of obligation and involvement that comes with such a massive financial commitment is beyond what I could cope with.

I have always felt that unless you have so much money that you can pay the fees and not go without in other areas (impossible for most) then private schooling is very tricky. The parents I know with privately educated children (grandparents are involved in every case) are also members of private gyms, fly long haul for holidays, children Do county level expensive sports etc etc.

I speak as a privately educated child of 2 people who could not afford it without grandparents chipping in. I always felt the poorer girl, I had never been abroad or even to a nice hotel, I had second hand clothes and bikes etc. In my state primary school I had never felt shabby burnt was plainly obvious in the independent school. No one ever pointed it out to me but I knew.

My parents never went on holidays, had a reliable car or nice clothes and worked worked worked. These sacrifices are not IMO worth it. The money would have been better used on a comfortable bigger home, no car stress and parents who were more present for us.

Also I am ideologically opposed to private schools as it's another way to ensure wealth and privilege are not shared. My siblings also went to private schools (dsis to a MN favourite) and their school's were obsessed with a limited number of avenues/careers - unsurprisingly those with high pay and status. My own DC are at the closest state primary, chosen for its proximity alone. They are both thriving despite differing needs, large classes and behavioural issues among their peers. They are also learning important skills for life - getting on with others despite different backgrounds and issues and that you have to knuckle down and work hard to take advantage of opportunities. I have issues with the school that I am working with the school and other parents to address - more involved positive parents can make a huge difference. I see it as an important social duty to out my energies where they can really help not only my own DC but those who have less advantages too.

I left my private school out of unhappiness at not fitting in and went to a comp - I and my friends from there all went on to good unis and are all now happy, successful, home owning, employed, professionals.

If they'll give you the money and let you make your own choices then consider it. If it's a very conditional gift I'd be exceedingly wary.

I absolutely couldn't get involved in this unless they were prepared to give you a sum of money that would cover all fees and invite you to do as you wished with it. The level of obligation and involvement that comes with such a massive financial commitment is beyond what I could cope with.

I have always felt that unless you have so much money that you can pay the fees and not go without in other areas (impossible for most) then private schooling is very tricky. The parents I know with privately educated children (grandparents are involved in every case) are also members of private gyms, fly long haul for holidays, children Do county level expensive sports etc etc.

I speak as a privately educated child of 2 people who could not afford it without grandparents chipping in. I always felt the poorer girl, I had never been abroad or even to a nice hotel, I had second hand clothes and bikes etc. In my state primary school I had never felt shabby burnt was plainly obvious in the independent school. No one ever pointed it out to me but I knew.

My parents never went on holidays, had a reliable car or nice clothes and worked worked worked. These sacrifices are not IMO worth it. The money would have been better used on a comfortable bigger home, no car stress and parents who were more present for us.

Also I am ideologically opposed to private schools as it's another way to ensure wealth and privilege are not shared. My siblings also went to private schools (dsis to a MN favourite) and their school's were obsessed with a limited number of avenues/careers - unsurprisingly those with high pay and status. My own DC are at the closest state primary, chosen for its proximity alone. They are both thriving despite differing needs, large classes and behavioural issues among their peers. They are also learning important skills for life - getting on with others despite different backgrounds and issues and that you have to knuckle down and work hard to take advantage of opportunities. I have issues with the school that I am working with the school and other parents to address - more involved positive parents can make a huge difference. I see it as an important social duty to out my energies where they can really help not only my own DC but those who have less advantages too.

I left my private school out of unhappiness at not fitting in and went to a comp - I and my friends from there all went on to good unis and are all now happy, successful, home owning, employed, professionals.

If they'll give you the money and let you make your own choices then consider it. If it's a very conditional gift I'd be exceedingly wary.

I absolutely couldn't get involved in this unless they were prepared to give you a sum of money that would cover all fees and invite you to do as you wished with it. The level of obligation and involvement that comes with such a massive financial commitment is beyond what I could cope with.

I have always felt that unless you have so much money that you can pay the fees and not go without in other areas (impossible for most) then private schooling is very tricky. The parents I know with privately educated children (grandparents are involved in every case) are also members of private gyms, fly long haul for holidays, children Do county level expensive sports etc etc.

I speak as a privately educated child of 2 people who could not afford it without grandparents chipping in. I always felt the poorer girl, I had never been abroad or even to a nice hotel, I had second hand clothes and bikes etc. In my state primary school I had never felt shabby burnt was plainly obvious in the independent school. No one ever pointed it out to me but I knew.

My parents never went on holidays, had a reliable car or nice clothes and worked worked worked. These sacrifices are not IMO worth it. The money would have been better used on a comfortable bigger home, no car stress and parents who were more present for us.

Also I am ideologically opposed to private schools as it's another way to ensure wealth and privilege are not shared. My siblings also went to private schools (dsis to a MN favourite) and their school's were obsessed with a limited number of avenues/careers - unsurprisingly those with high pay and status. My own DC are at the closest state primary, chosen for its proximity alone. They are both thriving despite differing needs, large classes and behavioural issues among their peers. They are also learning important skills for life - getting on with others despite different backgrounds and issues and that you have to knuckle down and work hard to take advantage of opportunities. I have issues with the school that I am working with the school and other parents to address - more involved positive parents can make a huge difference. I see it as an important social duty to out my energies where they can really help not only my own DC but those who have less advantages too.

I left my private school out of unhappiness at not fitting in and went to a comp - I and my friends from there all went on to good unis and are all now happy, successful, home owning, employed, professionals.

If they'll give you the money and let you make your own choices then consider it. If it's a very conditional gift I'd be exceedingly wary.

Oh Swimmer - having a visitor after starting a state vs private bun fight... How could you ?

It really isn't difficult to get the money ringfenced. People keep posting about it possibly suddenly bring withdrawn but you have no reason to assume it could happen and it would be easy to ensure it couldn't be. They could set up a trust now and that's it.

I absolutely couldn't get involved in this unless they were prepared to give you a sum of money that would cover all fees and invite you to do as you wished with it. The level of obligation and involvement that comes with such a massive financial commitment is beyond what I could cope with.

I have always felt that unless you have so much money that you can pay the fees and not go without in other areas (impossible for most) then private schooling is very tricky. The parents I know with privately educated children (grandparents are involved in every case) are also members of private gyms, fly long haul for holidays, children Do county level expensive sports etc etc.

I speak as a privately educated child of 2 people who could not afford it without grandparents chipping in. I always felt the poorer girl, I had never been abroad or even to a nice hotel, I had second hand clothes and bikes etc. In my state primary school I had never felt shabby burnt was plainly obvious in the independent school. No one ever pointed it out to me but I knew.

My parents never went on holidays, had a reliable car or nice clothes and worked worked worked. These sacrifices are not IMO worth it. The money would have been better used on a comfortable bigger home, no car stress and parents who were more present for us.

Also I am ideologically opposed to private schools as it's another way to ensure wealth and privilege are not shared. My siblings also went to private schools (dsis to a MN favourite) and their school's were obsessed with a limited number of avenues/careers - unsurprisingly those with high pay and status. My own DC are at the closest state primary, chosen for its proximity alone. They are both thriving despite differing needs, large classes and behavioural issues among their peers. They are also learning important skills for life - getting on with others despite different backgrounds and issues and that you have to knuckle down and work hard to take advantage of opportunities. I have issues with the school that I am working with the school and other parents to address - more involved positive parents can make a huge difference. I see it as an important social duty to out my energies where they can really help not only my own DC but those who have less advantages too.

I left my private school out of unhappiness at not fitting in and went to a comp - I and my friends from there all went on to good unis and are all now happy, successful, home owning, employed, professionals.

If they'll give you the money and let you make your own choices then consider it. If it's a very conditional gift I'd be exceedingly wary.

I live in a society where this happens all the time. We'll also do it for grandchildren if the need arises - with no strings attached. I would only ever encourage someone to accept such an offer.

If you and DH were to divorce they wouldn't stop being his children or their grandchildren would they.

I know you say state primary is v important to you but there is a lot to look at. Not just ofsted reports. My DCs go to the local primary which wasn't my first choice school and I had no chance of winning an appeal at my first choice. It is a new build and they are ofsted good. They are also totally focused to ticking the boxes. We have the highest attendance rate in the county because it's ok to bring your sick child to school so they get the attendance. Yr 6 SATS - they teach to SATS and if you show any promise of achieving above average you are given even more work to do. One boy was booked off for a week with stress last year. Look at the pupil premium statement and see how much the school gets each year and what it's spent on. Quite often it will go towards funding extra teachers to keep class sizes down. Good stuff, however our school also spends it on stuff that I throughly disagree with as it isn't benefitting the children it should. What after school clubs are on offer. Our school only runs free clubs which are run by the teachers so can only do whatever it is for one term so there is no continuity. There is also no after school care for working parents. On the plus side they are really hot on bullying and there really is zero tolerance. Overall the school is ok but I would leave in a flash as there is just too much I dislike. Lack of respect for school property by the students for example - it's not taught or enforced.

DD is in yr5 and the local senior schools are giving me nightmares. We can't afford private so DH is looking for a job elsewhere so we can relocate to get the best we can in state up to a'level.

DH has never believed in private education. He would send our children private in a heartbeat now if he could.

I'm glad someone else agrees with me JammieDodgem Private schools are just morally wrong to me.

Completely agree with the learning about people with different needs and getting on with people from different backgrounds. Hate to say it, but kids from private schools who I met at university were nearly always "Hooray Henrys" who had no idea about the world outside of the gates of their posh school.

It was most clear to me when in our halls, a girl was baffled that none of us had ever been skiing or on a safari. Nearly everyone else was working class and came from state schools. We were all the first in our families to go to University as well. The interesting thing was how much she struggled at university as she wasn't used to having to compete with people smarter than her or dealing with the volume of people, whereas we had 18 years of experience of it. She came out with a 2:2 but managed to snag herself a nice cushy job in the City because of the school she went to. I went into teaching, which is a far more rewarding career.

I think financial gifts usually come with strings attached, so this would make me uneasy.

Also a lot depends on the quality of your local state school provision (sorry, haven't read the full thread) but if I can generalise massively, a lot of state primaries tend to be pretty good these days. Secondaries are perhaps a bit more variable.

You'll also get a broader social mix in a state school. I personally think that is worth having.

The over riding reason I felt strongly about my children attending the local primary was the feeling of isolation from children in the local area which I had as a child, and the almost total lack of connection with the community I nominally "grew up in" (I.e. where my parents lived and still live) which I feel as an adult.

Having been to out of area schools which I had to be driven to, with a long school day and ling commute, I had no local friends at all and my school friends were very widely scattered. I never had friends I could call for or whose houses I could get to under my own steam - I was reliant on lifts from my parents far into my teens which was the opposite of fostering independence! (This would presumably be very different if you live in London, but is something parents who don't live in major cities should give far more consideration to IMO.

I think bright motivated children with supportive families will do equally well in a good (doesn't have to be outstanding) state or a good private school. I have taught in state schools and the better teachers at my private school achieved a learning environment similar to a "top set" at a good state school.

Unmotivated children or middle ability children are the ones who would benefit from private education with smaller class sizes as "middle sets" at secondary can be a classroom management challenge and have a huge range of ability as well as being the biggest sets and often given to the least experienced teachers, who are pushed to concentrate on the C/D boarder and may not have time to focus onthe children coasting along at C grade who could do better.

Low ability children can do well in state as bottom sets are small and many private schools try to avoid taking low ability pupils ... Not all of course but many...

It takes a child with a strong personality to weather transferring from private to state happily if the money dries up - we had a few when I was teaching and they either seemed to go off the rails in an attempt to be popular and accepted by the wilder kids, or to try to "keep their heads down" and go unnoticed. I would want to be as sure as possible that the money for fees was ring fenced before starting down a private school route.

YABU - you are taking an opportunity away from your child because of your views

I think financial gifts usually come with strings attached, so this would make me uneasy

Not necessarily. It is possible for people to share what they have - just because.

I'm probably not the first to say this given the length of the thread ... Much as I respect your ideals, don't rule private schools out without having a look around the schools you have locally. And assuming you go with state primary, try to keep the options / lines of communication open for grandparents to support your children's education in whatever way seems most useful in the future. My husband was very hesitant about independent schools for our children until he saw a couple which changed his mind.

Hope you can make choices that everyone can be comfortable about. The best answers vary in different areas I'm sure.

YANBU OP.

I have nothing against private schools, but as independent adults and parents, neither me or my DH would be happy to go through the next 20 years accepting parental handouts.

It's not particularly setting a good example to your children either.

It was lovely of your PILs to offer though.

My. Ex in laws paid for my kids. Don't feel I "owe" them anything as they're their own grandchildren! As others have said, surely it's the fit of the child and school that's of main importance?

Just be thankful you have the choice and agree with your dh to send them to the best school for each of them, state or independent.

I think financial gifts usually come with strings attached, so this would make me uneasy

I disagree too. Lots of parents want to help out their adult DC.

My parents were not absolutely loaded and neither am I but they and I have paid to educate our own children from age 3 private schools to end of university -that is parents paying not grand parents. I definitely think it is worth going to fee paying schools. It makes a massive difference and is well worth the money. This is a huge benefit to the children, much more valuable than just money paid to them.

I would accept it with enthusiasm. If I were paying as a grandparent I would like to be invited to things like carol services and sports days. I would not expect any "control" as a condition. However I would want it to be a sensible school - not a really really bad private school or something weird which will damage the child.

Also see this as inheritance tax planning. I am giving the children money now for a deposit on properties. i would much rather they had money in their 20s than in 30 y ears' time when I die and when the state will steal 40% of everything I ever worked for in inheritance tax to squander on foreign wars and the like.

It's not particularly setting a good example to your children either

Why's that?

If their own grandparents want to contribute financially to their grandchildren's education, what's the bad example?