To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

OP - the fact is that the education system in this country is in no way fair. In general, it's a postcode lottery or based on faith criteria.

If you have a great local primary then by all means go for it. There is a lot to be said for the community atmosphere at this kind of school, having lots of local friends, etc.

However, many people do not have the option of great local schools- in which case they may move house into a different catchment, suddenly become Catholic, or decide to pay school fees.

Whatever the case may be, most people want to do the best that they can for their children and often find their "principles" go out of the window when faced with reality or when choices are available.

Some independent primaries will offer a "through" education from 4-18. Others will prepare pupils for competitive entrance examinations at 7+,8+, 11+ or 13+ and any academic pressure will be felt at different times according to the schools purpose.

Are you able to say what part of the country you live in? I can only speak for London, but entry into independent secondaries tends to be highly competitive. A private prep will guide you through the process. Often prep heads have relationships with senior school heads and will get in the phones in borderline cases. At state primaries you will often have to pay for a reference and in Year 6, state schools are more concerned with their summer SAT results than 11 plus exam preparation for independent schools which usually has already taken place in the January of Year 6. People often need to get tutors for the work which is not covered and, very importantly, practice in exam technique. The State school curriculum will not cover this.

Sorry, I'm sure this is a lot to think about when your DC are still so young, but it can help when you're looking round schools.

nak I'm going to assume that you're taking the piss.

You're ridiculous assertions about private schools coupled with your views on good classroom management make me think you must be having a giraffe .

I'd snap their hands off. BTW I was privately educated and my hubby wasn't. My parents are hairdressers, his are doctors so its not a class thing!

PigletWasPoohsFriend

I never claimed all state schools are, but neither are all private schools. On ths thread, nearly everyone seems to be of the opinion that private = better, which isn't true at all.

I trained with people like that as well, they're not teachers now though. Most of them dropped out of teaching after a year. Anyone who has been teaching longer at a state school is in it for the right reasons.

Nakatomi that was a general private school, for my friends ds that would not be very good either, at the private ASD/Aspergers school, he would have the facilities and opportunities that the local SS do not offer, he would do so much better than being in a SS that does not meet his specific needs.

My dd is Autistic, and does go that that local state funded ASD school, for her it is amazing, it is fantastic, but she is not as academic as my friends ds, her behaviour is not violent or volatile, they go at her level, she is now able to achieve things that she would not do in mainstream. She is in a very small class of 7, and is given one to one, and her needs are being met coninuously. For my friends ds, he would be bored academically, if he is bored he will be violent and volatile.

I have two dcs in private school, one in reception and one in Y3. With regard being very academic in the primary years, I haven't felt they are particularly hot housed. Yes the pace may be slightly quicker than the state schools, but the children are discretely streamed from very early on and given extra/different work accordingly. DS had ear issues so was slow to read and the extra support we had from the school was incredible. DD is in a reception class of 17, with a teacher and a TA who happens to be a qualified teacher choosing to work as a TA. The extra curricular activities on offer are superb, and now ds is in Y3 he is expected to attend 3 or 4 a week, ranging from various sports (the school has it's own swimming pool), art, drama, 'mindfulness', chess, cookery, languages and we do not have to pay extra for any of these clubs. The range on offer is quite mind blowing.

Our demographic is very wide, there are many people working hard and saving to put their dc through, there are also of course many wealthy people but there is absolutely no snobbery or bullying at all. The school is very aware that most families have two working parents so are very accommodating when it coms to parents evening, shows etc where many are held in the evening after work. There is wrap around from 7.30am to 6pm for a nominal fee, as the school recognise the majority of people need two incomes coming in to pay the fees.

If I had the offer of some help, I'd snap it up.

I trained with people like that as well, they're not teachers now though. Most of them dropped out of teaching after a year. Anyone who has been teaching longer at a state school is in it for the right reasons.

I think you seriously need to take your blindfold off if you think everyone at state school is some kind of Saint.

GetAHaircutGirl

I'm not taking the piss. I hate hate hate private education with a passion. It's unfair and immoral, in my opinion.

You might not like my classroom management but I've never had a student who has completely failed by subject and every single one of my students over the past 8 years has achieved above a C grade, most of them getting A's.

My school isn't even the best state school in the area. We're not even in a particularly well-off area either, we just have a great group of teachers and an LEA who genuinely cares about educating kids regardless of wealth.

PigletWasPoohsFriend

I don't think everyone is a saint, but nobody is teaching in a state school for the money. It just isn't worth it for the amount of hours we work and the pay isn't anything special.

90% of teachers in state schools are doing it because they're passionate about their subject.

I'm not taking the piss. I hate hate hate private education with a passion. It's unfair and immoral, in my opinion.

Well that comes through very clearly!

Pride come before a fall I hope you still feel the same if your child ends up in a shit school op

If Somone wants to pay then let them he's nit offering you he's offering his grandson

Well nak you're a pretty poor advert for your sector.

I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand, but that's because of who my PIL are. My PIL would tot up the amount, add on a chunk for inflation and then say "Right, what account are we putting the school fees into?" They'd also not care if their grandchild became a sufer or a barrister as long as he/she was happy. They wouldn't withdraw funding if they disagreed with our choice of school, nor would they if they and we fell out.

If your PIL are like mine then don't dismiss it out of hand. Research your options and choose the best option for your child. That choice is the best thing money can buy. However, if there's the slightest bit of stress in the relationship, or if they are the toy-out-of-pram type then turn it down.

You need to know what their expectations are before you can dismiss such an offer imo. You also need to know how realistic their proposal is (ie do they realise how much private schools cost now).

YANBU. I agree with you & other posters who point out that private is not always the best option.
As for having a better chance on the jobs market if you are privately eduacted, in my industry the opposite is true. Negative assumtions are made about those whom it was felt needed the extra support from a private school...as in, they must but limited in some way, either by intelligence or social skills and so are shuffled to the bottom, not the top of the pile.

I don't think everyone is a saint, but nobody is teaching in a state school for the money. It just isn't worth it for the amount of hours we work and the pay isn't anything special.

Neither are all those in private schools.

Instead of pushing your prejudices actually look at reality.

This is a difficult one. You really need to keep your options open and don't dismiss private school options at this early stage. I too was set against private education for my DC and sent them both to a local primary school, which to be honest was satisfactory but not great. Unfortunately, as we are stuck with the sodding 11+ system here, we were left with no option but to go private for both of them as there was no way we were going to send them to the secondary school which they had been allocated.

My PIL pay for our DC to go to private school, but they made the offer after we'd decided to send them anyway (could afford the fees on our own with a bit of a struggle). They then came forward and said they'd rather pay the fees now, rather than the cash which they would've spent being subject to inheritance tax when it's passed to us after they die. We are extremely grateful. They don't interfere at all, but to be honest if they did want to come to parents eve etc I would just suck it up considering they've forked out so much money.

As people have pointed out, there are great state schools and awful private schools out there. In my area the local private school is far far better than the state school, but this is not the case everywhere.

As for the "extras" people keep referring to, these differ wildly between schools so don't make assumptions. At our school before & after-school care is no extra cost, and the uniform is a similar price to a state school uniform.

90% of teachers in state schools are doing it because they're passionate about their subject

Proof of that or a figure you have pulled out of thin air?

Does nobody think it's wrong that private schools are allowed to charge extortionate fees but claim millions in tax relief every year because they're "charities"? (Pfft!)

I would like to see the £165m in tax relief given to private schools in 2014/15 given to state schools, personally.

If you're going to charge to come to school, you should have no help whatsoever from the government. That, to me, is absolutely hypocritical. To say "we think we're better than state schools, but we'd quite like to take a nice big tax relief off the government, thanks very much!"

" know that if I went to my local comprehensive, i know that i would not have been able to fulfill my potential, with the bullying and the teacher put downs."

How do you know you would have been "put down" by teachers and bullied? Is this just what you think happens at comprehensive schools?

I could post anecdotes about people I know who have been badly served by both sectors- but i really don't see the point. I once lived near a badly stocked and appallingly organized library with rude unhelpful staff. Would it have been right for me to judge all libraries by that one? No it wouldn't.

Negative assumtions are made about those whom it was felt needed the extra support from a private school...as in, they must but limited in some way, either by intelligence or social skills and so are shuffled to the bottom, not the top of the pile

Wow, what an awful place to work having to deal with such prejudice.

nak I'm sure some people do think it's wrong but OP has said she is not against private schooling per se, and her DH certainly isn't.

So that's not really an issue here.

Just for the record, my friend has a ds 9 who has been dx with ASD and behavioural difficulties related to that, he is extremely intelligent and academic, but very violent and volatile, and as a result, he has been excluded from 3 mainstream schools, and parents have been offered a place for him, in the only school that could meet his needs, which is far from adequate, as well as having to transfer again when he reaches 11 as it only goes up to year 6. They are fighting for the LEA to pay for a private ASD school for those with hfa, I tell you the facilities there are fantastic for children with Autism, especially his type of ASD who are hard to place. If they had the funds, they would pay themselves, no other SS in the area can compare, that is the truth.

That has nothing to do with state v. private and more to do with the fact that an awful lot of SEN provision is outsourced to the private sector and that there is inadequate funding for children with SEN.

There are also many state schools that have better provision for some SEN than many private schools.

Private school just means financed by individuals, not the state. Private schools are such a mixed bag that it is difficult to make generalisations. All you can really say is that access is dependent on being able to pay fees.

clarkson what 'industry' is that?

YANBU.

Have they factored in 12-14 years of fees and any extra grandkids they might end up having?

my PIL once offered to do the same, there are now 4 grandkids and possibly more to come. It's all gone quiet on that front now.