To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

t's not particularly setting a good example to your children either

Family money is family money. The kids will get it one day regardless. Spending it in the here and now just means there's less for everyone to inherit further down the line. There are no pockets in a shroud.

i think you'd be uttely insane not to accept their very kind offer.
I was half state school and half private. I was appalling at handing in homework/revising you name it- the level of one on one attention and discussions with my parents my private school gave me in order to turn it all around and do very well in the end i fear would be harder to find in a state schools with bigger classes/stretched resources. Im not trying to make a blanket statement or looking down on state schools at all as we will be sending our DC state as no way can afford private, but if you have the offer, take it. Don't deprive your DC of a potentially fantastic opportunity because of your pride.

My in laws pay the private fees of all the grandkids.
My DH and his siblings were all state/grammer school educated. PIL offered and we said yes.
The bills for school go to them and us, they pay it.
None of us are hard up and could pay the fees ourselves, but PIL want to contribute.
Never once have they tried to interfere, or force an opinion or anything.
My own parents have recently said that they would like to buy all the kids clothes from now on. They too have money and there is no trailer on a hearse! As my mum says, the tax man will only get it after she is gone, she would rather spent it on the kids.
Why not? i'd do the same for my kids any day.

Because presumably you'll be trying to teach your children about financial independence, whilst practicing the exact opposite.

I have been the poor child at private school, with fees funded by a relative.

It was absolutely fine, for me. My poverty was not widely known - sure, imdidnt go on the school ski trips, or other expensive holiday trips, but the educational ones my relative was happy to fund as part of the fees. Uniform was expensive, but again covered by my relative.

I have never felt beholden for the expense - bloody grateful, yes, but never awkward about it - it wasn't a decision I took (my maternal uncle paid my fees, after my parents divorced and my father refused to pay), he chose to pay, and whilst I have naturally thanked him for that choice, he doesn't feel the need to make me grovel about it! He was interested in my education and choices, but not in an interfering way - he was happy to support my choice, whatever that may be. He also supported me at university (my choice to go) as my mother couldn't afford to do so. Again, I am grateful that he did, he didn't have to.

A long time after school, I was at some event (friends silver wedding springs to mind) and one of my uncle's friends took it upon himself to berate me for 'wasting all that money' as I 'hadn't bothered' to have a career, and was now sitting about as a sahm (at the time I had a severely disabled 2 year old and a newborn - hardly loafing about) - my uncle jumped straight in and told his friend in no uncertain terms that what he had 'bought' with my education was my chance to make choices - nothing more, nothing less (and which I wouldn't have had, in all probability if I had attended the local state school, as it was (and is) a desperately awful sink school)

Relatives paying school fees doesn't have to spell disaster, on either side of the transaction. It doesn't have to mean control and leverage, and it doesn't have to mean spoiled entitled grabby brats. Only you know your relatives, OP, and so sitting down for a talk, and visiting your local schools to explore options, is the only way to begin making this decision.

Careful naki, your extreme dislike of private education is putting you in danger of tripping over those cliches.

Oh, and I recently had a very enlightening talk with the chair of the governors at the private school 2 of my dc attend. More than 60% of the children at the school have some sort of (usually grandparents) relative funding them. So maybe your dc wouldn't be as out of place at your local prep as you think?

Because presumably you'll be trying to teach your children about financial independence, whilst practicing the exact opposite

there are plenty of ways that can be achieved.

I think I would rather they give you the money upfront and put it in a stakeholder pension or junior ISA for your dcs. It would make a much bigger contribution to their lives that way and still enable them to grow up in their own community school with the friends who live nearby.

I think this is an incredibly generous and most probably sensible offer from them. If they are, as you say loaded, they are probably also looking at practical ways to pass on their wealth to their loved ones in a sensible and economical way.

If there are no strings attached and your relationship is good, it can work for you all. My advice would be to not bite the hand that is offering to feed you. Go and look at your local state and independent schools. Research the typical and current secondary options locally ( though bear in mind they may change by the time you need them ) and think about what each can offer your children.

Perhaps you will want to use state schools as planned but hold the option to move to independent at 7 or 11 or 13 or even at 16 for A levels. Many do chose to move at those times when in a better position to make the decision based on a child's needs and provision of education on offer. You owe it to your children's future and to be gracious to your in laws for their generous offer, which appears to have been made with the very best intentions to investigate the local market and choices before dismissing it out of hand as 'not for us.'

Because presumably you'll be trying to teach your children about financial independence, whilst practicing the exact opposite

I will also be teaching them good financial planning, and ways of avoiding paying inheritance tax if you are very wealthy, e.g. paying for grandchildren's school fees.

I guess it depends how well you all get along - having that debt forever for both of the children is a big commitment - I don't want to rain on your parade but what if you were to split up or something else happens and your in laws suddenly decide they don't want to pay the fees anymore ( family fall out or they need the money for something else a few years down the line ) I am guessing that fees go up a lot once they reach 11 as well, its all a lot more money than when your husband went to school I bet. As chatty points out, everything does come with a price and do you want them breathing down your neck all the time ( why isn't your child as good as their peers, wanting every last detail of what the fees cover, constant interference?) It may not be like this, but money is a powerful tool and does tend to change the dynamics of a family somewhat. Sorry to appear downbeat however(. I know my in laws would have been like this)

If their own grandparents want to contribute financially to their grandchildren's education, what's the bad example?

I couldn't disagree more.

Having come from a hard and fast pretty much do it yourself family - and seeing how DH family operate - DH way is far better. I would hope to model their attitude to my own dc as they get older rather than - my own.

You can learn all sorts of things about the world, giving - sharing and whatever at a private school with the GP paying, that in itself is an extremely kind sharing act and a very loving thing to do.

Sorry mis quoted above!

YANBU

Sorry haven't RTFT but are you going to have more children?

The offer would throw up things to consider. It is not as if the gift is the money and then you could have debated whether to spend it on their schooling or otherwise. It's schooling or nothing but it doesnt mean you have to take up offer.

How about you research all the schools and decide which is the best fit for your family/children. Then if they are private (or just secondary is private) you can take their offer. If is state then decline the offer, explaining why, even though generous.

I would make it clear if you decide to go private, about needing to look into ringfencing the money as your main concern is that you don't want to have to move schools, if the funds were stopped, and you cannot afford the fees yourself.

I think you need to look at both private and public schools near you and then decide. I can see both points of view but I think you both need to view the schooling options then make a decision, taking into account it will be paid for by your PILs. Honestly, I'd find it very hard to turn down such an offer.

Yes, agree, you definitely need to thoroughly research the schools involved. We were very pro our local state school and hadn't really considered private, until we actually did our research and spent time at each school.

I tend to agree with you and would feel concerned about the length and size of commitment (we live in the south east and there's no way you'd get 14 years of private ed for 2 children for £200,000 and costs rise every year) but you might feel very different by secondary age and be extremely grateful for the extra options. Its very normal for very comfortably off families to go to the local schools at primary and go private school for secondary.

In our family one of the grandparents would trust us implicitly, one would be so never-endingly interfering to the point that it would could end in a horrible situation and I wouldn't touch their offer with a bargepole!

I would be very gracious in your thanks but no thanks and say you'd love to consider for secondary.

I honestly don't know if my MIL will expect academic excellence, I am worried she will, which is why I need to have a discussion with her about if she expects anything.

^^ I would certainly have a massive chat about expectations.

another compromise is private now - state later or the other way round. Or even private at a level or the option to go private should state not turn out well. Talk about it all.

I was saying earlier I am in similar position with wealthy PILS bandying around the idea at points re paying for private school. However my MIL treats us with utter disdain and talks to us like every thing we do is a failure. So for us - its a far more tangled web to get ourselves stuck into. My MI and fil also have rigid ideas about success and failure in general. So again in terms of education quite sticky to get into.

We are lucky that are primary school has been way beyond my expectations and I have been personally educated state and private. If we won the lottery tomorrow I don't think I would move my DC from their primaries, they are also warm , holistic environments with a good range of society in there. But not every primary around me does have this range, in fact the range we have is more reflective of a private school, where peoples families often move in for work.

However we have had issues with my DD being used for the more challenging pupils. Twice now over the past year I have had to raise this with the school ie - her partnerhas been getting her down, not listening, hassling her in class, never knowing what they are doing, being naughty all the time, distracting, being rude to the teacher and so on, to the point where DD dreads school because of him.

The other issue was moving classes around all the time, so DD was split up from her closer friends. In smaller classes in private school this does not tend to happen.
There were moments last year when I had a long hard think about a smaller private school.
So I guess it comes down to your own DC needs, and wants and how they get on. Without a doubt some dc do better in a smaller class, they find it easier to be kept with their friends and not split up, and if they are happy in their friendships they do better in class.

As pp have said - in terms of the money I think GP are allowed to offer - its a lovely gesture, and lovely for them to see their money being spent while they are alive. I know I would love to furnish my own DG in such a way if I could. Its also something your DH could get bitter about later on. The GP wont be around for ever, and its highly likely this money will come to you anyway....in fact I am sure its been mentioned But I have heard its a great tax break ????

You also have to consider the dc when older being told at some time " You could have gone private but mum said no, she wasn't happy with it" then - at that point you can never get back that education!

Everything that me2017 said.

Also if you can afford it then another child will get a space In a great state school.

Private schooling is all well and good but are your PIL going to pay for all the extra curricular activities too? The skiing trips with all the necessary equipment for example? The fees are only one portion of the cost and of course once they are in the system it's going to be pretty unpleasant to have to take them back out if your PIL change their mind down the line or you have a fall out.

Personally I would decline but suggest they perhaps set up a trust fund for the children do they could use the money to pay for their uni fees or a house deposit.

money is a powerful tool and does tend to change the dynamics of a family somewhat

This can be very true - but then, so much depends on the individuals involved

Which is why the only sensible course is surely to talk to them ...

My PILS offered to pay for private education for my dcs. We compromised with a perfectly good state primary then private secondary. In fact I haven't been that impressed by private education so my dc3 will continue in the state system in year 7.

Can't they bank it for uni fees? More practical imo. On the other hand id love to be able to make the same offer to my own kids....this won't happen, but wouldn't you love to be able to make that type of offer? They're being kind!

Private schooling is all well and good but are your PIL going to pay for all the extra curricular activities too? The skiing trips with all the necessary equipment for example?

As mentioned upthread, you can't assume additional costs, it is very dependent on the school in question. Pretty much all extra-curricular activities are included at my DC's school, and yes there are expensive trips but not everyone goes on them, and state schools have expensive optional trips too!