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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

515 replies

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2016 07:50

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
mycatwantstokillme1 · 04/10/2016 21:52

Everything NellWilson just said.

Herethere... I am really sorry to hear what happened to you, that sounds like a horror story and nobody would want to go to a school like that. I'm also sorry to hear that you were in a place where there wasn't a lot of support - I've been lucky that where I am, and in the past when I've had friends living in similar areas people did pull together and help each other. Your experience is about the worst it can get.

I don't think all state schools are like that though - sorry if that sounds flippant. Well, I know they're not because of my experience, and now my son's. But I can't see anything improving in schools like the one you went to as long as we have a two tier system, it's so wrong.

flowery · 04/10/2016 21:52

"I find the assumption that children will "suffer" if they go to state school deeply distasteful."

So do I. Doesn't mean it doesn't happen though.

In my circumstances I actually think DS1 would probably do fine at any school. I use "suffer" in a relative sense, clearly.

I hope we won't send him to a private school because as I say, it's plan B not plan A. But it won't hurt anyone if we send him private and if that is what we have to do to send him to a good school in which he will thrive, then that's what we'll do. I will not send him to a school I have serious concerns about out of principle. They are my principles, not his. It's my job to do the best I can for my son, so that's what I'm going to do.

Sellotapewillfixit · 04/10/2016 21:53

In my line of work I see a lot of grandparents who wish to pay for private education for grandchildren. Generally they hand over a lump sum of around £200,000 when the child is aged under 5. You should be aware of the inheritance tax considerations if they die within 7 years, and the grandparents should be happy to multiply that by as many grandchildren as they expect (reckon on 2-3 per child). Is that the sort of money they are thinking about?

mycatwantstokillme1 · 04/10/2016 21:55

flowery, they're not prinicples if you don't stick to them.

WineIsMyMainVice · 04/10/2016 21:57

Personally I wouldn't want to feel in debt to pil either.
But could you compromise with DH that DC go to state schools for junior school and you review their 'kind offer' as they progress through school. if at any point they are struggling, or a private school would be better for them, you consider it then.

flowery · 04/10/2016 22:02

"flowery, they're not prinicples if you don't stick to them."

Well I don't mind what you call them. But I do know that most people act against their principles sometimes. Most people's principles have a line beyond which that person would not cross for their principles.

Where that line sits might differ between you and me. But rare is the person who would stick to all their principles no matter what.

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 22:02

It is a shame that some dc's education suffers from attending state school.
Two of mine didn't reach their potential due to the environment of the school.
I was one of the parents who allowed one to attend the worst school ever ito violence, crime and teachers who could only fire fight, if they weren't locked in a cupboard.
I was one of the parents who tried at both schools our ds x2 attended.
It made jack shit difference tbh.

Some children thrive at state schools and some areas are lucky to have decent state school too.
Some children suffer from attending boarding schools, this is a well known fact too. Some suffer from the pressure of being at a ss.

You need to find the right school for your child and if that means sacrificing your principles then you have a choice to make.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2016 22:03

Children suffer in bad schools, or in schools that don't suit them. Regardless of sector.

I have a friend who refuses to walk his dog in a particular park because a retired teacher from his very prestigious public school walks his dog there, and he can't bear the thought of bumping into the man who did nothing to protect him from 5 years of relentless bullying. Is that a reason for me to condemn the private sector? No. But there are plenty of people who would condemn the entire state sector on similar "evidence".

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 04/10/2016 22:04

Are they the sort to think they own you?

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 22:07

flowery

I went against my principles too, I don't even care who pays the fees anymore. My child is thriving, happy, with a great future in front of her and I'm so glad I changed my mind.
It would have bothered me years ago, there's no way I'd have agreed and it still bothers me that the taxpayer is paying the bill.
I would much prefer this to have stuck to my principles and told dd she couldn't go.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2016 22:13
flowery · 04/10/2016 22:17

"Children suffer in bad schools, or in schools that don't suit them. Regardless of sector"

I agree with you completely. My view (and that of people I trust implicitly) is that our local state secondary would not suit DS1 and, while it has improved recently, is not nearly good enough in my view and that of many people locally. I have the option not to send him there, so I won't. Hopefully he'll get into the other state school we've been recommended as being much better for him so I won't need to compromise my principles. I will be investigating the private options just as rigorously and would certainly not be daft enough to assume they are better just because they are private.

rubberballcomebouncingbacktome · 04/10/2016 22:23

Have not read all replies-
But here are some more thoughts
A) have you looked around a few private schools - if not do so, you may be pleasantly surprised, often same great teaching as state school just with smaller class size.
B) not all prep/private schools are equal - some have a mix of parents who are sacrificing a lot to send their kids there & some are old school and have a lot more second/third generation private school educated children and both these schools feel different.
D) what about a compromise of state for primary then private from 11?
E) I would snap them up, or go with middle ground of either state till 8 or state till Y6 and look around for options for a private senior school that you both feel comfortable with.

Puppymouse · 04/10/2016 22:27

I would accept this help from my family for the right school but not DH's now having seen the effect MiL helping BiL with a house deposit has had when she chooses to make it an issue.

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 23:03

Bert

A waste of time because we were talking about principles, opportunities and private schools, of course you are right but it still applies.
Whatever the reason, some parents choose the leg up and others don't.
I could have stuck to my principles and said no way, and I still don't agree 100% tbh, and often have reservations.
It would break her heart and she'd never forgive me.

funnyperson · 05/10/2016 02:18

Interesting. Some months ago I told my ds and ddd that any spare money of mine would be put in a trust for their children's education. They aren't married and don't have children. They will have been put on the housing ladder by their grandparents who put money in trust and by their own hard work hopefully.
My rationale is that this upcoming generation are going to be poorer than my generation and I want my grandchildren to have the opportunity of a good education even if their parents don't have the money. I think of this as applying for uni fees/post grad subsistence as well as school fees. I doubt if there will be enough money to cover school for 14 years and uni for say 6 years. I shan't want to read any reports as I expect to be dead.

funnyperson · 05/10/2016 02:33

I think the worry about controlling grandparents is valid but has nothing to do with money. My parents and in laws were always very interested in my children's education because that is the norm in our families. Both sets of GP's always contributed vigorously to any educational debate. What school and what uni and which subjects etc were considered matters of profound interest. Both sets were always invited and often came to school events and to the graduations. However they didn't take any educational decisions. We and the DC did that.

CPtart · 05/10/2016 07:05

Bertrand "or any close relative for that matter"
You may be grateful for the money now when your PIL are well and self sufficient. Maybe even for the next several years. But very little in life comes free.

roundaboutthetown · 05/10/2016 07:47

I haven't read the whole thread, just the OP, but I think the OP is right to have qualms - pil paying for an 14 years worth of private education in full for your children is a huge amount of money. Does your dh have siblings who might be pissed off by this? What will happen if you divorce? Surely you will feel obliged to contribute as much as possible to this, rather than expect pil to carry the whole can? If yes, then they are messing up how you would have chosen to spend your money big time, aren't they? It's one thing if the state schools where you are are failing, and another if there is nothing much wrong with them. Anyone who would jump unthinkingly at this offer is an idiot.

Galdos · 05/10/2016 08:07

DS1 is 4 - so potentially 14 years of school. How old and healthy are the grandparents? What happens if they peg it (say) when DS1 is in Yr 9, and leave their dosh to a dogs' home? Will moving school then so shortly before GCSEs be sensible? What will the siblings think if they don't get the same deal?

If the education proposed suits your DS1 better than anything else available, why not, subject to having a plan to ensure sibling equality/non-rivalry and that the plan will ensure fees up to at least 6th form (moving schools for A Levels/BTech etc is very common, at least in my part of West London).

Humidseptember · 05/10/2016 08:22

Personally I wouldn't want to feel in debt to pil either

But its ok to take this money as inheritance instead when they are dead and can't see anyone benefiting from it?

Humidseptember · 05/10/2016 08:49

Children suffer in bad schools, or in schools that don't suit them. Regardless of sector
agree we all know of Prince Charles awful experience at Gordenston

Humidseptember · 05/10/2016 08:58

PandasRock Tue 04-Oct-16 11:51:28

I just wanted to say what an amazing wonderful uncle you have Smile really, more than all the money he has given you - what a kind lovely man.

My DC aunts are well off and it pains them to fork out on even BDAY cards for my dc let alone anything else. You really are very lucky.

MammouthTask Tue 04-Oct-16 13:03:50

what your illustrating there is the excellent relations you enjoy with your own DP, the ability to communicate freely and easily.

Does ops partner share same level of relations?

Softkitty2 · 05/10/2016 09:29

Long time lurker, I would seriously consider because like what other posters have said it's about providing the best for your children and their future.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 05/10/2016 10:28

What about a grammar school I read that parents put their children through private school in primary to get them ready for grammar school. Secondary school fees are so expensive they will be looking to pay between 15 to 30,000 a year depending on where you live. Fees were lower when your DH went to private school you don't want to put them in and then pull them out again because PIL bit of more than they could chew. I think that is a trauma on children make sure that they are 100% sure that it is affordable for them to pay.