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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

515 replies

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2016 07:50

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 04/10/2016 20:09

YANBU. I wouldn't do this. You would be beholden to the GP for ever more. However, I wouldn't send my dc to private school under any circumstances so may be biased.

TheField65 · 04/10/2016 20:09

I am amazed by those you that think pastoral care is better in a private school than in a state. In a situation where a child is being abused at home (and this doesn't always mean physical abuse, it can mean emotional abuse) a state school will intervene, on the side of the child, immediately. It has no fear of the parents because the parents are not its customer. State schools are all about the child.

It is a very different matter in a private school. Private schools are all about the parents.

Do go ahead and flame me, but I am someone who went to private school, but works in a state school, and often deals with private schools when their students wish to leave and join our state school. It's not always pleasant. They are very concerned not to lose that term's fees, and that the parents stick to 'the contract'. So much so that they often don't even ask why the poor child wishes to leave their school and if there is anything they can do to help.

It has put me right off sending my own to private school.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 04/10/2016 20:10

It's amazing how many people think principles are something to be discarded to help your children.

YY. I was thinking exactly the same thing. What kind of 'principle' is it if you drop it as soon as doing so might advantage your own child?

Iggi999 · 04/10/2016 20:10

I disagree strongly that it will hurt no one else.

EllsTeeth · 04/10/2016 20:13

I would be very very uncomfortable accepting an offer like this from my in laws, mainly because I don't like them. I would, however, be delighted if my own parents offered to pay my children's fees! It would mean I had the option to give up work and still send them privately, or we could have some work done on the house that we would like. BUT I've already committed to a private education for my kids because I felt that the school we choose was the best option round here for them and we can afford it. In your situation I would need to look at all the local schools, state and private, and see which one I thought suited my children the best. If it wasn't the state, which it may well be (our second choice was state over other private options around here) I'd stick with that and consider again at secondary age. If by far the best option, for your children, locally to you happens to be private then I'd seriously consider the offer. I'd also have to have an up front and honest conversation about their options. I'd also need to be sure that there was no possibility that the funding would be removed before their education was finished.

EllsTeeth · 04/10/2016 20:15

If it WAS the state not wasn't the state..!

flowery · 04/10/2016 20:16

"I disagree strongly that it will hurt no one else."

Who will my DS1 going to private school hurt? And I assume you mean it will hurt other people more than attending the local secondary school will hurt him?

I quite agree that as a whole, state education would benefit from no private education. But I don't agree that anyone will be hurt if I send DS1 to a private school. I can't hold back the tide by myself and I will not sacrifice him in an attempt to do so. It's ok for me to suffer for my principles. It's not ok for him to.

TwentyCups · 04/10/2016 20:36

I agree with every word you say. I would not accept the offer.

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 20:39

What kind of 'principle' is it if you drop it as soon as doing so might advantage your own child?

Sometimes your children are worth more than your principles, to deny them an opportunity they have been given is so selfish, especially if you know the opportunity is what they want more than anything.

We can all stand on principle as I did, we couldn't afford fees though so was a no go for us, but I used to spout off at every opportunity and judge parents, especially those who chose boarding as well as private education.

I soon changed my tune.

mycatwantstokillme1 · 04/10/2016 20:52

Here thereandeverywhere - I take it from your post you being from a white collar family in a school full of kids from council estates/economic deprivation, you associate those of us in council estates or living in poverty/less well off are going to have kids that are going to be trouble makers at school and not want to learn? Thanks!

My son (aspergers + other health related problems as a result of being premature) comes from a single parent family, lives on a housing association estate and I'm on a low income. He goes to the local comp (now turned academy) where there is a high percentage of free school meals, 3 council estates in the immediate area and an even higher percentage of different languages spoken. He was bullied at one point and it was dealt with. None of the kids have ever killed each other, on the whole things rub along okay. He passed 6 GCSE's A-C which was the average of most of the kids there. A lot of them stayed on at the 6th form to do their A levels.

I've also found through living here that it's quite often the people with the least that are the most generous with what they have - if a neighbour doesn't have food/nappies/bus fare someone will help out despite being in low paid work/on benefits. That's the kind of utopia I like to see - people helping each other, not just thinking about themselves.

I also remember a school in Bronsebury (NW London) that was being given a hard time by OFSTED and it was in rapid decline. A whole group of parents that could have thought fuck that for a game of soldiers and had the funds to send their kids to private school - made the decision to send their kids to the local school because they could see how important it was for the school. Within a year or two the school had made massive improvements. Another example of the utopia I strive for.

BecauseItsBedtime · 04/10/2016 21:01

Gilly private school isn't what the OP's kids "want more than anything" though is it? They are preschoolers and presumably oblivious to the entire dilemma.

She's not necessarily "denying" them anything valuable - there are shit private schools and good state schools and vice versa. Private primary / prep school is a double edged sword if your local primary is good as tbh most are... Prep school is about getting your small child on course for entrance exams - some kind of dream course in the opinion of some parents but other parents idea of robbing children of care free childhood years ...

lapsedorienteerer · 04/10/2016 21:08

YABU

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 21:19

Because.

it probably isn't when they are only 4, but chances are they'll appreciate it when they are older, especially if the local state schools aren't good.
Of course there are good and bad in each sector but generally speaking private offers a better education, you are paying for that privilege.

I have no experience of prep schools but from what i have read the parents who send their dc do so for a variety of reasons, not to pass exams.
I'm told that extra curricular opportunities are second to none and the freedom to leave the curriculum and study more in depth is appealing to many. Most I speak to tell me it's not about passing exams like state education is. The education is that thorough they learn more which helps them pass exams, there's a huge difference.

user1471554184 · 04/10/2016 21:22

YABU. I have taught in both state and private schools. Like it or not, private offer a better education. Don't deny your children the opportunity of a lifetime

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 04/10/2016 21:24

- we've also had discussions about what it means to be 'sucessful' and why it is important to go to Uni/RG uni etc... so expectations on both sides as to what the dcs will do as a result are clear for both of us.

What about what the children want, what if your children don't want to go to university? Not only will their parents consider them failures but their grandparents will too if the children want something else.

Sammysquiz · 04/10/2016 21:31

Prep school is about getting your small child on course for entrance exams

And state school is about getting them on course for SATs.

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 21:32

- we've also had discussions about what it means to be 'sucessful' and why it is important to go to Uni/RG uni etc... so expectations on both sides as to what the dcs will do as a result are clear for both of us.

Oh dear, you will have young people with mh issues if they decide they want to go against your expectations.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2016 21:35

I find the assumption that children will "suffer" if they go to state school deeply distasteful.

Iggi999 · 04/10/2016 21:36

...you can't help hoping they run off to join the circus when you read that kind of statement.

herethereandeverywhere · 04/10/2016 21:39

mycat my dad was unemployed for most of my time at secondary school - he lost his job the year after his brother was murdered, when I was 13 and didn't get another one until just before I went to university, by which point my mum was an alcoholic. I'd love to get misty-eyed over the community pulling together and looking after us all as one big happy family but that's not what happened. Ditto the poor lads whose dad had got made redundant and could no longer afford the private school fees. Unmercilessly ostracised for the 4 years they were stuck in my school (inverse snobbery is learnt from parents at an early age.)

The kids at my school taught me how to make a pipe for smoking cannabis out of a Coke can, told stories of hot-wiring cars and being chased by police, brought the spoils of the previous nights thefts at the local supermarket in to share. Plenty of physical assaults, casual violence was the norm. There was a culture of 'bunking off' of rebellion and of bullying and belittling anyone who was bright. Even the teachers used to like to keep a 'know it all' down by suggesting they teach the class for a lesson as the 'prize' for getting 100% in a science test. My parents appeals to the school were met with 'it's character building' by the Head.

By the time I went to Uni at 18 (from 6th form college, not enough kids taking A levels to have one at my school), 50% of the girls from my class had babies and none had jobs.

So just because I describe the economic circumstances of those that were around me (factually), please don't think I'm judging, that I'm looking down on others or that I was the the one lauding it up. It was deeply unpleasant and full of kids who didn't want to succeed and found sport in standing int he way of those that did.

I wouldn't subject my kids to my comprehensive school experience if you paid me. Neither would I send them to my London local school where they keep a commemorative garden for the pupils who have been stabbed to death.

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 04/10/2016 21:40

Sometimes your children are worth more than your principles, to deny them an opportunity they have been given is so selfish, especially if you know the opportunity is what they want more than anything.

No. My child's life, for example, is probably worth more (to me) than my principles. Whether he gets a particularly advantageous education? No. I am happy to refuse luxuries on my son's behalf on account of my principles, thanks.

Children want all sorts of things - I say yes to lots of them, but I also say no when I don't think it's good for him, or when I don't think it's good for other people.

Sorry OP, I realise this is way off topic for you, but I really strongly object to the idea that it's best to abandon principles concerning other people's children when your own child's relative position could be improved.

Optimist3 · 04/10/2016 21:44

My teens have amazing pastoral care in their state school. It's an inspiring and engaging environment that turns out 30% A/A* grades yearly. It doesn't have the prestige or money of private schools. My kids are very happy there.

I would ask your FIL to save for DS's uni or house buying

timelytess · 04/10/2016 21:48

Knew a woman who accepted in-laws paying school fees. Then she and her partner split. Oh, grandparents kept paying. But then she met another bloke, had two more children... and now her older boys are in an independent day school an away from home and her younger ones will attend local state schools. It makes life complicated but she doesn't like to move the children from a school where they are settled.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2016 21:49

"I wouldn't subject my kids to my comprehensive school experience if you paid me. Neither would I send them to my London local school where they keep a commemorative garden for the pupils who have been stabbed to death"

a) You wouldn't be subjecting them to "your comprehensive school experience". Things have changed since your ....colourful... days.

b) You sound as if it is a commemorative garden with a rapidly increasing roll. A somewhat disingenuous- not to say hysterical- way of putting it.

FabFiveFreddie · 04/10/2016 21:49

Haven't RTFT, only your posts OP.

YABU. Your PIL's aren't doing this for you, they're doing it for their DGC. If you're worried about guilt or feeling beholden, clear this up with them beforehand: that you speak on behalf of your DC and, on the assumption that your chosen private school is best for them, you can't in all conscience turn it down on their behalf because of your own guilt. I'm sure they will quickly tell you that it's not about/for you (which it isn't, is it?). Also be clear that you will not as a consequence be pushing them into anything professionally or academically that they do not want. Make it clear that either this comes with no strings or not at all. If they're truly doing this for your DC, they wouldn't dream of attaching conditions.

Finally, there's a big difference between "fine" and "University" and "the best we can manage" and "the top University for their chosen discipline". I'm sure you've done very well and are happy. Why wantonly turn down the opportunity to do even better and still be happy and a decent person (as the vast majority of privately educated people I know are, and I'm sure you are too).

All the above on the assumption that your chosen private school is better than your chosen state school. Assuming it is as you say the state schools are "fine". Hardly a ringing endorsement.

And no, it's not fair and I hate it. But this is currently the world we live in. I'm a staunch old school Labour voter.