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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

515 replies

swimmerforlife · 04/10/2016 07:50

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Nakatomi · 04/10/2016 15:41

Completely agree with you mycatwantstokillme1 - nothing whatsoever would change my opinion on private schooling. If my child was being bullied, I would move school, not move them privately.

Bullying happens no matter what, in both private and state schools. If anything, bullying happens more in private schools because they undereport a lot of things (and are allowed to do so).

MammouthTask · 04/10/2016 15:43

reggae my parents aren't saints but paying for education fees like this has never meant they were interfering at all with the studies themselves.

I appreciate that not everyone would be like this though.
It just means that you can't start by saying that you never do that because PIL or parents would be interfering. They might or they might not.

What is sure is that before starting something that is for the long haul, you need to be able to talk, set boundaries and be very very sure that it will work out (eg my parents would be more likely to say YES even if it's putting them into financial difficulty so I would want to know it's really financially viable for them)

ohdearme1958 · 04/10/2016 15:55

I couldn't be beholden to my in laws in that way. And they'd have to be saints not to think it allowed them certain interfering rights in your family life/affairs

It's unfortunate that you look upon it like this because many people manage it without being beholden to, or having their family life interfered with.

Chestersidiot · 04/10/2016 16:13

The control aspect would concern me. Only you can know what your relationship is like and how much of an issue (if any) that would be. I know you say they are very wealthy, but I would still be concerned about how they would deal with all grandchildren. What if you have failed contraception and have twins? What if the unmarried brother suddenly acquires a partner with 6 children - will they pay for them? And just because one g/c is abroad - why aren't they entitled to money? It's not so much the cash issue (if they are truly loaded) more any resentment that may arise from unfair treatment.

WeirdButTrue · 04/10/2016 16:24

Of course bullying happens in private schools as well as state...has anyone here suggested it doesn't? I can only comment on my individual experience which is that bullying was one factor that left us feeling our only option was to move school. From the options available to us, private was the best choice. That won't be the same for everyone clearly. Fortunately, bullying hasn't been an issue since we moved DD. If in the future it becomes an issue, I'm confident this school will do more to tackle it than the totally under resources and under staffed struggling school babe was at before.

Also it's simplistic to claim that private education means all wealth is kept to the same select few - my DH & I are both state educated & fund DD's fees from our monthly income - so more support for state education providing perfectly good foundation for well paying jobs in adulthood. We are also given a bursary to cover some of DD's fees because the school wants children to attend who might otherwise not get the opportunity due to their parents' income.

The key is it's down to the individual school & each child far more than private vs state.

WeirdButTrue · 04/10/2016 16:28

Not sure why a babe slipped in there, that's not DD's name Grin

flowery · 04/10/2016 16:30

"flowery, I mean no offence when I say this, but I think it is hypocritical."

It is, I completely agree. My younger self would have had some very disparaging things to say about it, trust me. But now I'm confronted with the actual reality of it with a DS in year 5 and secondary school rapidly bearing down on us, I could not actually bring myself to send him to a poor state school when we don't have to, just because of my principles.

Yes of course we should all have every child and society itself as our priority. But while I am passionate about excellent education for all children (am a Director of a MAT), my first priority has to be to my own children.

I'm hoping it won't come to it. Plan A is another state school locally. Private is very much plan B.

Sammysquiz · 04/10/2016 16:33

And they'd have to be saints not to think it allowed them certain interfering rights in your family life/affairs

Mine pay for school fees but don't interfere. Doesn't make them saints, just very generous grandparents who can afford to help out. Mind you, if they did interfere a bit I would suck it up for the sake of the children - I wouldn't let my pride deny them a private education.

010816dot · 04/10/2016 17:35

“My friend does this by making up hampers for sure start centres and packages for the homeless at Christmas with her kids. It helps her kids appreciate that not everyone leads such a privileged life” –

Mishmash – I am hoping this is a joke :-)

herethereandeverywhere · 04/10/2016 18:12

Nakatomi If anything, bullying happens more in private schools because they undereport a lot of things (and are allowed to do so).

... and your evidence for this is......???

ChocolateWombat · 04/10/2016 18:13

All of this shows how many questions and issues have to be looked into and answered before you can decide.
First you and your DH need to find out if the private schools really are better in your area and if what they offer is better for your particular child - ie given no financial restrictions, if private would be your choice.
Secondly you need to decide how you feel about GP paying and how that would make you feel, if you would be beholden etc.

If all all that you think you would like them to pay, a very detailed discussion with the GP is needed - ensuring they are aware of the increasing fees with age and year on year, that they really can afford it for the long haul and issues such as other grandchildren that might come along later. They need time to go away and consider all of that - sometimes GP make an off the cuff offer, which when fully considered isn't really realistic or practical. They need a chance to fully consider and if necessary to withdraw or adjust the offer.

If you fully look into what is available, think about your relationship with them and have really open communication about all of this, I think it could be the way forward......or not. Clearly GPs paying DOES work for lots of people. Some people reject such an offer for a variety of reasons. I don't think we on here can tell you what is right for your family and situation, only advise you of things to consider.

Good luck Op - hope you get the info you need, communication is easy and clear with DH and grandparents and that you reach a decision you are all happy with.

roarityroar · 04/10/2016 18:58

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

Sammysquiz · 04/10/2016 19:13

If anything, bullying happens more in private schools because they undereport a lot of things (and are allowed to do so)

Don't believe this for a moment. Firstly the smaller teacher:pupil ratio means bullying is far more likely to be noticed, but also they have far more power to remove bullies from the school. The independent school mine go to has an extremely rigorous anti-bullying policy - they don't want their reputation ruined by bullying, and make it very clear when you enrol that your child will be removed from the school if they are persistent bullies.

cocog · 04/10/2016 19:16

Maybe u could go and look at both schools on your own and then make the choice! I would in this situation make sure they are informed how much it would cost before your son starts and say thank you very much they want what they think is best for your children and are prepared to help you get it it's a very kind and generous offer!

gillybeanz · 04/10/2016 19:39

Unless you have excellent state schools locally then private will be much better for your dc.
There are few good state schools and in some areas they are dire.
All private schools aren't brilliant though, some are as bad as the local state.

You have to choose what is right for your child and sometimes this means having to go against your own principles.
If the local state aren't any good or the private is better you owe it to your children to give them the opportunity, otherwise you are being selfish.
I have been here myself.

CPtart · 04/10/2016 19:45

YANBU simply because you are right in that you'd feel you 'owe' them. And they might well feel it too. No-one wants to feel indebted to ageing in-laws, or any close relative for that matter. Some generations have certain 'expectations' and I wouldn't want to encourage that. What if that money was needed for care home fees?
The whole state v private debate would be largely irrelevant to me. Your DH had a private education from reception upwards, yet it hasn't benefitted him to the extent career wise that he can now afford the same for his own DC.
I'm sure they mean well, but I wouldn't go down this road.

Iggi999 · 04/10/2016 19:47

I'm not sure why people keep mentioning principles, as the OP hasn't mentioned principles as a reason not to send them.

Iggi999 · 04/10/2016 19:53

It's amazing how many people think principles are something to be discarded to help your children. I think demonstrating values and integrity will help my children. Would it be ok for me to discard my principle that it's wrong to kill, in order to help my child - perhaps by taking your dc's kidney if mine needed one? That is the same logic.

pennygoodlife · 04/10/2016 19:58

You have to live with yourself and your values. So you need to be happy. But I think your nuts to pass up this opportunity personally

flowery · 04/10/2016 20:00

"Would it be ok for me to discard my principle that it's wrong to kill, in order to help my child - perhaps by taking your dc's kidney if mine needed one? That is the same logic."

No it really isn't. There are plenty of less ridiculously extreme examples you could have used. Of course my principle of not agreeing with private education is not on a par with my principle that it's not ok to kill people.

BertrandRussell · 04/10/2016 20:01

"No-one wants to feel indebted to ageing in-laws"

Important to bear in mind, however, that they are not your husband's or your children's in laws.........

ChocolateWombat · 04/10/2016 20:04

The OP and her DH together do need to think through principles about education and reach some kind of agreement. It isn't up to us to tell them if private is right or wrong - they must decide for themselves.
Perhaps the principles thing is the first thing to decide. It might be that this isn't a big issue for them either way and that then the practical side of which a re the best schools in their area for their child becomes the big issue. What the GP are like and if the OP will feel beholden might or might not be an issue. The grandparents understanding of the financial costs and thinking through of practical issues such as how they would respond if other grandchildren come along could prove a sticking point or not.

As I said before, GP paying DOES work for loads of people. Some. People also receive this generous offer and turn it down for a variety of reasons. There really sisnt a right answer that fits all. The OP has to assess what is important for them and ensure open and clear communication with both DH and GP too. They must decide. It might work for them.....or it might not, for a variety of reasons and priorities they may have that might be similar or very different to the things people on this thread value and would see as key in influencing such a decision.

Sammysquiz · 04/10/2016 20:05

No-one wants to feel indebted to ageing in-laws

Mine pay our fees, and I feel nothing but gratitude! They have provided my DC will an amazing education. I hope I can do the same for my grandchildren.

GetAHaircutCarl · 04/10/2016 20:05

Wink at using private school being akin to murder!

flowery · 04/10/2016 20:07

People compromise their principles everyday, and for a variety of reasons- convenience, laziness, cost, all sorts of reasons.

I think for the benefit of one's own children is the best reason there is to compromise a principle.

I'll make a principled stand about all sorts of things when it's me personally that suffers as a result. But when me making a stand about something means my children will suffer? And it's something that will hurt no one else and might have a significant impact on them? You've got the wrong girl if you expect me to make a principled stand in those circumstances.