To not want my PIL to pay for my DC private school fees?

[swimmerforlife]

For context, I get along with DH's parents perfectly well, they are absolutely loaded though and DH (along with his siblings) were privately educated from reception onwards. I grew up on the breadline and was state educated for all my schooling.

It was always the plan for our dc to be state educated as we couldn't afford private fees, however the subject of schools came up in conversation over the weekend and PIL offered to pay for both DS1 and DS2 fees if we decided to go private (DS1 will be 4 early next year).

DH now desperately wants DS1 to be privately educated and is willing to accept PIL offer as he thrived in private school, whilst I am not totally against private schooling, I feel my DSs will learn and be educated just as well at state. After all I am University educated...

Also, I don't want to feel I / DH or the DSs 'owe' PIL anything because the paid for our DSs private education, I really don't want to have that hanging over our heads for the next 20+ years.

Besides, DH had no qualms with our DCs being state educated before PILs offer. Now DH has gone and changed his mind after everything was practically agreed.

AIBU?

I would bite their arm in my eagerness to accept this. However as a parent I would also be setting aside money for the other costs, such as trips and uniforms.

Do people genuinely believe that state schools offer same standards of pastoral care and education?

Mine never went on a single trip. And our local state have lots of expensive trips also!

Education, yes I do, absolutely. IF you are a hard worker naturally.

And I think pastoral care is overrated. Often an excuse for precious private parents to fuss endlessly about their special snowflake. If you've got a robust child and a school with a good anti bullying policy you'll be fine IMO

my gp paid our fees for private secondary - it was fine. I'm sure it happens even more now as the older generation has more accumulated housing wealth and more generous pensions. It's good you're checking out the local schooling options in detail, that's got to be sensible and makes the discussion more relevant than arguing about prior convictions.

My grandparents paid for me to be privately educated. It was a life changing experience for me and pushed me to achieve things I would never ever have achieved in a state school. In my personal opinion I think it would be absolute madness to deprive your children of this huge benefit and opportunity for any reason. There really is no better gift than the gift of education, it will set them up for life. Your PIL are incredibly generous.

I didn't do expensive trips at school FWIW.

If I was ever in a position where my parents or PIL would make an offer like that ( never going to happen) I'd bite their hand off for the sake of the children. It's honestly the best thing you can do for your children.

"Do people genuinely believe that state schools offer same standards of pastoral care and education?"

Same standards as what? Good private schools? Good ones do- and better than poor private schools. And vive versa.

What state schools can never offer is the level of "extras" that a good private school can. Because of the money.

no, our local outstanding state doesn't have half the amount of the extras dds private school has and the sport is pretty poor. But tbh, the amount of time and energy spent on the endless extras is a bit exhausting. For sport a good local club and a state school with no Saturday school is always better!

My immediate thought was that if private schooling was so beneficial to your husband OP, how come he doesn't earn enough to pay the fees himself? It clearly didn't make huge impact on his earning potential. If you take that factor out of the equation then the points left to consider are, 1) where will my children be happy, 2) will the payments translate into an obligation with which you are uncomfortable?

domino education isn't an investment scheme.

People don't pay fees purely to secure well paid jobs for their DC. Clearly the PILs value the education for education's sake as they don't seem to see that it was wasted on their son.

good point domino20!

My adult DC went to excellent state schools. Their similar aged cousins went to good private schools. There is very little difference in their academic results or career outcomes. As far I can see, the main difference is that my mortgage was paid off more quickly!

Op, something else to consider is, do you think your children will enjoy being in a single sex school? Many private senior schools aren't mixed which doesn't suit every child. One of my nephews struggled with being in a very sporty, macho environment and I suspect he would have been happier in the mixed comprehensive that my DC attended.

My state educated daughter is currently studying at Cambridge. She says to me repeatedly that she is very glad that she did not attend an independent school. Some of her new friends are privately educated, but she feels that it has limited their understanding of life and of how society works. Even the people who she likes best out of this group, make arrogant remarks and thoughtless assumptions.

Hyperbole about "the gift if education" and depriving of children of this if the grandparents offer is not simpering accepted isn't really appropriate unless the OP has committed to mention she's actually posting from a country without state education free at the point of use to children between the ages of 4 and 18

MarianneSolong my dd left private school and has gone to state 6th form. She couldn't believe how intelligent and polite the kids are!

That is compared to her private school counterparts, not that she wasn't expecting them to be !

*simperingly and omitted not committed (my private education is no match for autocorrect)

I've had a similar conversation with my parents. I perosnally would have no issue with them paying for these fees. The reasons are:

• I know that it would not put them in a difficult position. I know that because we have talked money, real money (niot just they have 4 houses type of stuff) and I know what their income is and how much they have left over at the end of the month (Much more than what is needed to pay for the full fees for both dcs)
• I am absolutely sure that there is string attached. If my parents do that, it's because this would be the best decision for the dcs. The best way to ensure they can do what they actually want in life.
• we've also had discussions about what it means to be 'sucessful' and why it is important to go to Uni/RG uni etc... so expectations on both sides as to what the dcs will do as a result are clear for both of us.

Now you might have spotted that the dcs aren't (yet?) at private school. And the reason is that atm they are still doing OK ish at state school. But more importantly, we've had plenty of discussions on what is the best us of that money.
Is it private education? Is it going to Uni wo any debts? Is it having a deposit for their first house? Private education for all secondary (whihc is what we have been looking at) could easily allow to pay for Uni and a deposit. Is that a better 'use' of the money is the question we've been asking ourselves.

What we never aked ourselves is this idea that somehow you're not good enough if you are dependant on other financial support to do things and you will get 'dependant' on them, will owe them something etc...
That money would not be given to us, the parents, but to the dcs. It would be to help their grand children because they can and want to.
The only thing that my parents are asking for is for them to be serious and put SOME effort in (doesn't mean being the best or suceeding at xx level) rather than hanging around doing nothing/skivving.
My dcs are older so we can have that conversation with them and put boundaries.

I also have the privilege of insight as my parents have already done something similar for a cousin who found herself an orphan as a preteen. They have been the ones to pay for a lot of her education too. Sop I have a quite clear idea of what they expect/will work/not work iyswim.

reading this thread, it's pretty depressing to see the overwhelming majority of posters see nothing wrong with private education, and the one poster (Nakatomi) who puts another point of view across is ridiculed by some and referred to as being bitter.

Well if bitter means you want to see all children being educated to a high standard regardless of how much their families have in the bank, and then have an equal chance at getting into a career of their choice, I'm also bitter, and glad to be so.

PS OP, no obviously I wouldn't accept their offer as you've probably guessed.

Many grandparents fund private education so it's not at all unusual and as a pp said, setting up a trust fund is a good way to go. They sound generous and as they've already paid for their own children's education they will have a grasp on the additional expenses.

The hard bit is, indeed the amount of input they may feel entitled to. You may favour a Steiner school whilst they prefer a formal prep. They may want you to chose a local school whilst your preferred one is only possible using the expensive school bus. And so on. I admit that as nearer to GP stage, I would struggle with having no say at all if I was paying.

I suggest that you do ask around locally and visit as many schools as possible. Then arrange a fairly formal meeting with the GP and lay out all your thoughts, and invite them to do the same. Two DC through education could be an investment of half a million quid so it deserves very in depth discussion.

For clarity, my DC had a mix of state and private education and it was entirely based on their needs at the time. Another alternative might be finding where the very best state schools are and getting help to move into the area if that was more appealing to you.

Finally,meeting a little, or even quite a lot disappointed that your DC doesn't go to uni isn't remotely confined to those from private schools, it's pretty much accepted as the norm for many families now.

i think that the compromise here is to start in local state schools if they are good. consider moving at juniors if you think they will benefit. talk it through with partner and his parents. your perspective- you had the freedom to become what you wanted. what is the background? are they self made people? did they have a private education? did they put pressure on dh to achieve growing up? presumably he has a normal job at a normal level and they are still amicable. It sounds like a lovely generous offer. you need to go and look at private schools to, rather than just making assumptions you know!

Marianne that's nice for your daughter (it's often said it's easier to get into Oxbridge from the State sector as it ups the State quotas, so barriers to entry are lower. There's a known tactic of moving to State for 6th form to maximise this chance). She'd be wise to keep that view of her superior social understanding to herself though....

I very much regret not having the chance of private education at secondary school. Yeah, I know all about council estates and being financially deprived, that there's good and bad from all walks of life and I speak with a pronounced regional accent but all my State education did was hold me back. I achieved despite it and not because of it. I certainly have almost no happy memories of being schooled in a place where being bright meant being bullied and excellence was unheard of (everyone schooled in how to achieve a C at GCSE. It was all about getting above the C threshold).

Everyone wants to think they did the best for their kids but what is the best choice for one family, with one set of circumstances is not the best choice for all.

YABU. My GPs paid my school fees, as DM would never have been able to. It gave me a fantastic start in life. There was no "indebtedness" hanging over me - it's what many wealthy GPs are happy to do for their family.

mycat I agree with you - all children deserve the same opportunity for a good education. Unfortunately the reality is the state system just doesn't provide it universally. I was always anti private, believing it to be elitist and unfair especially with regards to future opportunities and uni and careers in professions such as law or politics where those from privilege flourish and have doors opened to them more easily than others.

You can tell there's a but coming can't you! My DD was failed hugely by state primary. We have no good schools in our area, and the failing schools that we do have are over crowded. We have far beyond the national average of SEN children but a lack of specialist support for them. DD was bullied terribly but the school failed miserably to deal with it. Eventually DH and I decided we had to remove her, after 2 years of trying to resolve issues that just couldn't be dealt with by a struggling school. When faced with my daughter's happiness and welfare, never mind her education, I found private was our only option. DD has flourished and I'm immensely grateful that our financial situation left us able to do this for her.

Would I rather her be state educated? Yes, if good schooling was available to us. But will I stand back and see her suffer just because I believe private to be inherently unfair? Not a chance.

To the OP plenty of kids at my DD's school have GP's paying fees & I doubt any of them expect anything in return, but only you know your circumstances. Private education is a wonderful opportunity to experience things that state can't provide. But if you have good state schools near you then there would be no difference in quality of education & your DC would likely do just as well at either school. As others have said, it's so dependent on the particular schools you have to choose from. Take your time, apply for a state place but maybe consider the private option too, you might surprise yourself in which was you choose. Good luck!

My dd started off in our local state primary. We live in the 'more challenging' bit of an affluent area, and the school represents a very broad cross section of people. She had a great year in nursery but when it came to reception they changed all the classes around, leaving her without the friendship circle she'd built up. Reception was a very miserable time, with bullying going unaddressed, being kicked about in the playground and rock bottom self esteem. We looked at moving state school but everywhere around here is massively oversubscribed and subject to very strict catchment. The nearest school with a state place was 7 miles away.
We did our sums. I have complicated health problems and the mortgage requirements to move into a different catchment were beyond us.
My dad stepped in and offered to pay half the fees until 18 if we could match the other half. We did more sums. It would cost us less to pay half the fees from reception to 18 than move to a 'good' catchment. And her new school is only 2 miles away.
I never imagined I would be a private school mum, even though I teach across both sectors and can see the value of both. The school she is at now has built her back into a confident and happy little girl who is thriving both in and out of the classroom.
That's all I need.
Honestly, just go and have a look at all the available schools. Pick the one that suits each child as best you can. Try not to be influenced by the state/independent labels. If you are fortunate enough to able to choose the most appropriate one for your children then do it.

Weird but true well that's uncanny!