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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving OH in charge without proper briefing

133 replies

poupeedecire · 03/10/2016 21:41

Name changed for this.

I went to a (work-related) workshop this afternoon/evening, leaving first a babysitter, then DH in charge of the DC. Whereas I previously fed the DC their dinner before I went out, DC1 asked today to eat with DH. I called DH to ask if that was ok, and he said he would prepare some pasta.
I forgot, however, to mention that DC2 would also be included in this, as well as the fact that I had put some fish in the oven for him. I asked the babysitter to put the fish in the fridge until DH was home.

Now, during the workshop I cannot use my phone at all. When it finished (it takes a little under 2 hours), I found 10 text messages and two missed calls on my phone, in which he asked me what to feed the DC/what the deal was with the fish/why I'm not answering. So I tried to call him immediately - he didn't pick up. Then I sent him a text message explaining the situation (fish was left in the fridge by babysitter/I cannot use my phone) - and got 5 messages back complaining that I hadn't given a proper briefing, not mentioned the fish to him or that both DC would be hungry, and he cannot rely on the babysitter's testimonial that the fish was fresh.

Whilst I admit that I forgot to mention the fish - does something like this warrant such a reaction? He hasn't spoken to me either since I came home.
I thought he can feed his DC? I really don't know any more whether IABU.

OP posts:
kesie123 · 03/10/2016 22:54

He's EA as I think you know - you need to think hard about what to do for the best for you and your children - sadly things won't get better. Wishing you strength.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 03/10/2016 22:55

A normal reaction would be one text along the lines of 'is this fish for tonight?' Then when you didn't reply, the putting of two and two together (she's in a workshop, I'll just sort something else out) and - well, and nothing. That would be that.

Creatureofthenight · 03/10/2016 22:57

Jesus wept. The amount of threads I read on here about pathetic husbands/fathers is incredible.
So you didn't leave him detailed guidelines on how to look after his own kids and he's in a huff? I honestly could not be dealing with that shit.

Pollaidh · 03/10/2016 22:57

They're 7 and 8? Bloody hell! Your dh is a twat.

My dh has looked after the children on his own for 2 weeks, when I've had to travel for work. I returned to find them looking slightly feral, but generally clean, most of the washing done, very well fed, house in reasonable order, and a hot meal on the table for me. And because he's a thoroughly decent bloke he had sole care for the weekend too, whilst I recovered from a travel-induced migraine. The only thing I did was the food shop on-line from the other side of the world.

DiegeticMuch · 03/10/2016 23:00

He sounds like a big baby. Don't enable this any more.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 03/10/2016 23:00

Start going to the gym every evening just before dinner and l eave him to it.

AuditAngel · 03/10/2016 23:02

Oh my word. We have 3 DC (12, 9, and 5) I am going to work in Wednesday morning and the flying to Spain, I will be back in the early hours of next Tuesday.

I will leave lists of who needs to be where at what time and with what, but that is because the kids won't remember.

I will not leave food instructions as if necessary the 12 year old can feed them.

Original poster
poupeedecire · 03/10/2016 23:02

Lonny - yes, that sounds about right!

OP posts:
Original poster
poupeedecire · 03/10/2016 23:06

I tend to think the problem here, as Hatelogginin says, is not so much a lack of ability as a lack of willingness.

The fact that I discuss the matter on this thread rather than with him says a lot.

OP posts:
PoppyPicklesPenguin · 03/10/2016 23:08

So you wouldn't say then that I've been terribly irresponsible tonight.

Are you frigging kidding me!! You even think you may have been unreasonable.

The man needs to grow up, it would appear you have three children.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 03/10/2016 23:24

Has he been an adult for long?

Because he doesn't seem very good at it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/10/2016 23:47

He is punishing you for going back to work.

Shithead.

Memoires · 03/10/2016 23:50

Go out. Go out a lot. He needs to have a bit more gumption and imagination. I suspect, though, that he's being helpless on purpose in order to make you think leaving him alone with the children is not worth it.

Rinoachicken · 03/10/2016 23:59

A briefing?? Is he going into battle??

CousinCharlotte · 04/10/2016 00:01
Grin
MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2016 00:19

I felt like a freshly released prisoner when both were in school for full days!!! And the Warden noticed and is punishing you. Sad

PinkPandaSocks · 04/10/2016 00:31

Sign him up for a local cookery course instead of his Christmas present this year

Then book a holiday (minus him and the kids) for early next year Wink

paxillin · 04/10/2016 01:37

Bombard him with 27 text messages next time you do the laundry. What's the deal with the inside out socks, can corduroys be washed at 40, can green t shirts go into the dark machine. How to spin...

JosephineMaynard · 04/10/2016 02:06

Agree you need to go out more so he gets the hang of things.

I'd personally expect my DH to show a bit of initiative in this kind of situation. Kids are both hungry? Feed them. Not sure about the fish? Cook something else. Throw a bit more pasta in the pan, get something out of the freezer, whatever. Worst case, take the kids to McDonalds or for a takeaway.

I'll remind my DH about some stuff - e.g. make sure DS1 does this homework- but routine feeding / bedtime stuff? He's their father, he shouldn't need a manual on how to deal with it.

It's a complete non-issue, and it's worrying that his reaction is to sulk rather than just getting on with things and behaving like a parent.

NotWeavingButDarning · 04/10/2016 02:35

Ugh. Your DH is shocking. As others have said, he is either being passive-aggressive and controlling or is utterly, pathetically incompetent. Neither of these options is remotely attractive.

Having said that, my 8yo could certainly cook an easy dinner for himself and his 5yo sister, so maybe teach your DC a couple of simple things as their father is plainly an idiot.

I suggest you show him this thread and then start leaving him to look after his DC on a regular basis.

Caterina99 · 04/10/2016 04:23

I'd probably leave my DH some instructions like there's fish fingers in the freezer or whatever for tea, but DS is 15 months and I'm a SAHM so I do the majority of his meals.

I think he would text me to ask, but if I didn't reply then he'd just make him pasta. No way he'd call me multiple times at work and sulk over it!

NewBallsPlease00 · 04/10/2016 05:25

I hear you op; I have a lovely dh but sometimes with the kids I feel like it's almost selective stupidity
Now I'm back at work it's 50/50 and tonight's gem was how much water/how long sobivputcateraoiaer on for. He's done it many times but couldn't be bothered to think because I was there to ask...

Jenny70 · 04/10/2016 06:06

My DH was fairly hopeless when it came to feeding the children (when they were sub 4yrs, at 7 or 8 they can say what they want and help make it). I know I usually organise meals (I am a SAHM), but if I was sick/out he would struggle without some direction - but he would resort to junk food if completely stuck. He never felt the need to have a cross word to me about "leaving him in it", or any such thing.

My solution was he has to organise a family meal once a week, shop for it and cook it (and think of what to have). It's been great for his confidence in feeding everyone, our youngest has food issues, and despite eating as a family every night of the week he hadn't really appreciated what youngest did and didn't like until it was his cooking being rejected and him putting the food on the plate.

As a secondary, our 13yr old has also started cooking a family meal once a week. Has some supervision/guidance, but has been very good about trying recipes, as well as learning the basic meals without needing a recipe. He plans the meal and I buy ingredients - and he has to prepare side salad/veggies that go with the meal as well. My plan is for each child to cook once, DH once leaving me 2 nights, plus a takeaway/meal out each week :)

Alorsmum · 04/10/2016 06:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

engineersthumb · 04/10/2016 06:36

Wow! Ok he made an arise of himsel. Assuming he fed the kids in the end though so why the terrible man bashing from everybody else? Op you did nothing wrong, have a chat with DH a point this out but most of all keep just talking. Perhaps he does feel less than confident with the kids, mine are daunting at times too. My wife does do more of the child wrangling than I do so occasionally I struggle with "where's this or how much of that" but I'm reasonably confident that getting things a bit "wrong" isn't going to be world ending so just muddle through.

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