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Original poster

Adult niece and nephew fallout, who is BU me or Dsis

132 replies

rabbit12345 · 03/10/2016 13:29

Just really want everyone's take on this as not sure if I have been U or not.

Nephew just gone off to uni. I text him two days before he went wishing him good luck. I then text him a week and a half later to see if he was enjoying it and he ignored me and then I saw he had deleted me from FB. Today I learn that he is very upset with this as he was waiting to hear from me on the day he went. I do not have an excuse why I did not call. We were supposed to be giving him a lift but then he said he had made other plans and we said ok have a good luck and have a great time so in my head I had already wished him luck.

I am mortified and had I known he as waiting for my call then of course I would have contacted him. i would never intentionally hurt him. The fact is I do not really see much of him and he never texts me or anything like that. When we go round he stays up in his room. When he comes to me for family events he brings a book. I love him to pieces but although we see each other often, we are not close. I have never analysed it, just accepted it and the fact is I never considered that he would be bothered if he heard from me or not at that particular time. Having said that I have always been there when they needed me and I would have liked to think he knew I was always there for him no matter what.

My take on it is this... I have also 6 weeks ago taken a huge step in my life. Nephew didn't contact me and I didn't expect him to. Although I am sorry to hear he is upset I have said that as he is now an adult, going forward I am more than happy to make a bigger effort but it is unfair of him to expect it from me if he is unwilling to do the same. I am not saying he should do the same but just that it is unfair of him to expect me to behave one way when he does not. (bit of background also is that we have repeatedly had the "he is an adult and can make his own choices" remarks from my sister so I have responded to this as I would to any adult with these demands)

My sisters response is that as the aunt I am still the adult in this relationship and that he has every reason to be upset with me. That I should not expect the same from him and I am completely in the wrong here.

So passing to MN jury. What do you think?

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 03/10/2016 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZoeWashburne · 03/10/2016 14:11

Whenever my mum would get mad at my sister for not calling when she lived abroad, she would always say "phones work 2 ways". It was very true. If you want to speak with someone, call them. Now I understand if it is a continuously 1-sided relationship, but you texted him and then followed up with a call. I don't know any 18 year old that prefers a phone call to a text!

You aren't a mind-reader, and he can't expect you to be.

I think he is being ridiculous, but there is something in being the bigger person. Send him an email saying "I am sorry you are upset. I didn't know you would have preferred a phone call. Would you like to set up a regular time to chat? Would tomorrow at 7 work? I would love to hear about your new mates and classes. "

Then follow up with a phone call at that time. He might be manifesting his anxiety in strange ways and for some reason has completely gone off the deep end about this...

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2016 14:12

Bollocks he is upset with you! Your sisters reaction and his lack of engagement with you before all this bespeaks a special little snowflake who doesn't give a fig about you. But he does want attention from his overindulgent mother, and complaining about you is the way to do it!

Seriously Wink, isn't your sister really pissed with you because you're telepathic and she isn't? Because if you're NOT telepathic and we all know you're not there's no way you could divine that he wants you to contact him.

Your sister is being an arse, possibly sparked by missing her overindulged son, but an arse nonetheless. And he seems to have inherited the trait.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 14:13

You've been amazing. Are you the family scapegoat? Is there some sort of narcissism? Your sister sounds awful. What a thing to say... making out you're the issue.

My sil sent me angry texts because I didn't send her ds a present on his birthday because I was so ill (I'm chronically ill) and didn't have the energy to box it up and send it. I also wanted to give him it in person - although that was an unrealistic wish. Apparently I was awful. I sent a card. This is coming from a person, who never acknowledged my birthday, never sent Xmas or thank you cards. I'm the family scapegoat. In hindsight I should have got a friend or dh to do it. I was just so ill I couldn't think straight and could barely stand up. I know a lot about unreasonable people.

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 14:14

He's a big weird baby.

Hopefully university will help him grow up.

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 14:15

And your sister is also weird. I'd laugh in her face. And then slap her with a wet fish.

AdaLovelacesCat · 03/10/2016 14:17

Imagine him telling his new housemates,, 'I am sooo upset that my auntie didnt say good luck to me that i have deleted her off facebook, and my mummy says I am right , she is really nasty!'

FFS they would just laugh at him.

Original poster
rabbit12345 · 03/10/2016 14:18

This is probably a major drip feed but me and dsis have had words recently over several things. I knew this was probably why he declined us giving him a lift on the day. This was fine. I would not want to run the risk of aunt/mum bickering on the biggest day of my life (although that would never of happened) However I did not for one second think that they would be involved in me and dsis "disagreements" as it did not concern them and it was just a disagreement. (hence why I did not write about it in my OP)

Slightly.... On the day I text him, I also text my niece to see how she was getting on in her 3rd year at uni and her reply was "YEP" . According to Dsis this is because she is also upset at how nephew has been treated . However she is also angry now because when she phoned me the next day I blocked it. I was at work and knowing I had upset them and not knowing why I did not want a confrontation (my niece loves to speak her mind). Anyway now niece is upset because I blocked her calls. I have said I reached out to her and just got a YEP and so I knew I had upset her and didn't take her call because I was at work and didnt want the upset. My dsis says she is entitled to reply with YEP as she is upset how I treated nephew but now doesn't understand why I am now taking it out on her!! Again I pointed out that if you are rude to someone, you have no right to then dictate how they behave after. To which dsis replied well she had the right to be rude with how you have treated nephew.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 03/10/2016 14:20

My dsis says that I am wrong and that he is very family orientated and it is just me that he is different with. I never knew that. I never knew there was a problem. I just assumed he is a teenager who goes out late and sleeps all day. I never thought he might be avoiding me on our visits or anything like that.

If that is true then there's no reason he would be upset at not hearing from you. It sounds like your sister is deliberately trying to hurt you by implying he has a problem with you.

PrivatePike · 03/10/2016 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 03/10/2016 14:21

Your sister has raised two badly mannered children. That she is letting them treat you with such disrespect speaks volumes of her own opinion of you, i'm afraid to say.

I'd take a step back from this drama, big time.

AdaLovelacesCat · 03/10/2016 14:21

do people like this really exist?
makes me glad to have such a dysfunctional family tbh if this is how 'functional' families behave.

AmeliaJack · 03/10/2016 14:24

Wow! The whole family are upset? That's very very odd.

How does neice know why you declined call, you could have been talking to someone/on a landline/in a meeting etc. They all seem incredibly self absorbed.

I'd just leave them to it for a while tbh. I'd wouldn't "go non contact" I'd send cards & presents where normal but I wouldn't engage otherwise.

Btw I've never considered going to uni as the biggest day of anyone's life.

Amalfimamma · 03/10/2016 14:25

rabbit12345

honestly tell the 3 of them to fuck off and when they get there to fuck off some more. They are passive aggressive drama queens and know what buttons to push. I have cut all of those family members like that out of my life, no time for it

MissHemsworth · 03/10/2016 14:25

Is there a chance this is coming from your sister not him? Ie. She's encouraged him to feel let down & be upset by you? Seems a strange thing to care about when you start uni!

AdaLovelacesCat · 03/10/2016 14:26

honestly your sister sounds like a bit of a cunt who has raised ill mannered egotistical children.

OnionKnight · 03/10/2016 14:27

Tell them all to get fucked.

SapphireStrange · 03/10/2016 14:27

Niece and nephew are both drama queens of the highest order and your sister is encouraging it (in fact they probably learned it from her).

Ignore the lot of them. Whatever the big step in your own life was, concentrate on that.

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 14:28

Well, isn't HE precious?!

I can't believe anyone of any age would take offence at something so minor.

Is he a darling only child? What a sense of entitlement and self-importance.

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 14:29

Just read further and he has a sister. Sorry.

MagikarpetRide · 03/10/2016 14:30

This sounds a bit like my family. I've found it easier not bothering with them and largely staying out of the drama and not expecting much from them. They still can blow me away with their expectation of how I should behave but never acknowledging they should also act the same (like shouting about how upset they are that I haven't called when they haven't called me until that point, etc.)

Don't hang yourself up over it. Yadnbu. A lot of aunts wouldn't even text at all and it's completely reasonable not to take a phone call whilst you're at work. Sounds like your sister has pushed her issues onto them

LagunaBubbles · 03/10/2016 14:30

Leave them all to it, dysfunctional isnt the word for it.

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 14:31

Annie

don't send sweeties

You took the words right off my keyboard!

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/10/2016 14:34

Gosh aren't they all needy Confused

sarahnova69 · 03/10/2016 14:39

What in the what what WHAT?

By any objective standards, you have been an excellent and supportive aunt. You have done WAY more for these kids than any aunt or uncle of mine ever did. Which was fine! I never expected my aunts and uncles to fawn on me! Your sister's expectations are so massively distorted and one-sided that I also tend to think there's a "family template" playing out where you are conditioned to be the scapegoat who always has to make it up to everyone and she's developed a massive sense of entitlement which she has passed onto her kids (if they even care about any of this at all - am I right in thinking all of your info about how "upset" they are has come from your 'D'sis?

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