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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell EXH that he cannot see the DCS until he gets his priorities right?

67 replies

inabizzlefam · 02/10/2016 23:13

Once again STBXH has informed me whilst picking up DCs from him today that he can't see them as arranged as he is playing golf then going out that night........ to get shitfaced and shagged I guess.
Now I don't care who he shags but he has Sunday through till Thursday to do this as he has the DCs Friday night till Sunday morning. However, in the seven months that we have been separated he has not managed to stick to this arrangement for a full month,consecutively.
The DCs have been dropped off Saturday night because of Golf or picked up early Saturday evening because he is going out on a date more times than I care to remember.
He pays less than CM calculator states he should based on them being with him 2 nights per week and I went along with this because he agreed to DCs every weekend. But he keeps moving the goalposts and I am getting pissed off now. It not only messes up my plans it makes DCs feel like they come second best to golf and nights out in the pub.
AIBU to ask him to pay more CM as he's not sticking to agreed days and nights? I know how he hates handing money over to me so am hoping that might make him stop messing the DCs around and stick to what has been arranged.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 02/10/2016 23:17

YABU to stop him seeing his DCs.

What I think you both need to do is sit down together and work out a more realistic arrangement.

Having them every weekend means there will always be reasons to cancel. Have you considered every other weekend and some midweek contact in between?

Original poster
inabizzlefam · 02/10/2016 23:24

That was the original plan but he said he couldn't have them overnight in the week as he had " other commitments".

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 02/10/2016 23:25

Yanbu

He doesn't seem bothered about them, or he would move his golf and pub visits around and not his kids.

They will quickly start to realise that they come second to him. So I would intervene now for their sakes.

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2016 23:30

Then you need to sit down and sort something else out.

If he plays golf on a Saturday, having the kids every single weekend will mean him having to give it up.

If he doesn't want to give it up, you'll both need to find an alternative plan that's easier to stick to.

I must admit, even when I was a single parent I needed the odd Saturday out with my friends, for my own sanity.

PurpleDaisies · 02/10/2016 23:36

It sounds like the arrangement isn't working as it is. You need to renegotiate and come up with something he'll stick to.

I can understand why you'd want to stop your children seeing him and he sounds a bit shit but I don't think (from what you've said) totally cutting contact would be a very good idea. Do you think that's what your kids would want?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/10/2016 23:38

So why not EOWeekend with no midweek

WorraLiberty · 02/10/2016 23:43

The thing is, my sister plays golf and most of the tournaments are on a Saturday, so it wouldn't be as simple as to say "She has Sunday through to Thursday to do it".

Same as my DS who plays rugby - again most of the matches are on a Saturday.

I really don't think the contact you've both agreed to is workable, if it's to be every single Friday to Sunday.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/10/2016 23:46

Presumably he works Mon-Fri? If that's the case then he gets zero downtime if he's expected to have the children every weekend.
Sit down and work out something more practical e.g. he has them every other weekend, every bank holiday and every half term.
Otherwise you have every single weekend to do what you like which doesn't seem fair.

DixieNormas · 03/10/2016 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 00:14

It was his idea to have them every weekend. Although his idea of every weekend was 6pm friday to 10 am sunday to allow him to play golf on sundays.
I agreed for the sake of the DCs. I knew he couldn't do weekdays as he has skittles on Tuesdays, Darts on Wednesdays and "boys night out Thursdays".
Have just sent him a message to say that if he wants to see the DCs next Sunday he has to pick them up and drop them off back to me in the evening. He's not happy......wants me to take them and collect .
Never imagines that I might have plans, just tells me he's doing this, that and the other and we all have to work around him.
Oh, and the " if he works all week and needs some down time" he only works 20 hours per week, so not really in need of down time.

OP posts:
IMissGrannyW · 03/10/2016 00:23

I think the point is that there's two different things going on here...

There's your split, and how you manage that (esp) financially and also what' fair

and then there's

His relationship with the DCs going forward.

I get that what affects and angers you are the bits that affect you most (the money and your down-time). Both of which are massively important, and impact on how you are able to raise your kids.

BUT I'd also say HIS relationship with his children is important too, and getting this element right is more important for their emotional health going forward.

So if he's shit with you about 'your' bits, tempting as it is, don't make them the scapegoats for the elements that effect their relationship with him. Because at the end of the day, it's better for children to feel love and support from 2 parents, even if one of them is a bit shit!

Careforadrink · 03/10/2016 00:29

Dickie

He has zero downtime and how is that fair?

He has downtime every evening after work which the op doesn't get!

Original poster
inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 00:39

You are missing the point spectactularly. What bothers me most is not the financial issue or my downtime. My main concern is how this changing plans at the last minute and putting your socialising needs above seeing your DCs is affecting them.

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 03/10/2016 07:30

If it's not financial then why are you asking if you're being unreasonable to ask him to pay more CM?

You need to work out a better arrangement with him. The kids going to his house every weekend isn't fair on any of you. They need some weekend time with their mum as well.

Dozer · 03/10/2016 07:34

Sort out a better arrangement with him, eg via mediation.

kenicka · 03/10/2016 07:36

It must be awful also for you and rhem to not have them for a whole day at the weekend so you can do trips out etc. Or for them to see their friends near you.

I would rethink and so something like Thursday til sat night at his or Sat night til Tuesday then you both get for a weekend day and both get a day/night off.

BillSykesDog · 03/10/2016 07:38

I totally understand your frustration with this but I don't think stopping contact is the way forward as that will hurt your children.

Say no to any demands like picking up and dropping off. Be assertive and stand your ground. I think reducing to EOW would probably be good as he would probably be more inclined not to cancel if it was less frequent.

It is horrible he puts his social life above his children, but when your kids are older and ask you why they don't have much of a relationship you can truthfully say that you did all you could to facilitate it but he flipped them off. The alternative would be for him to tell them it's because you obstructed the relationship.

Be the bigger person here, reduce contact and refuse to be his lackey, but don't block the relationship entirely, that's not in your children's best interests and it sounds like they need at least one parent thinking about what's in their best interests because it won't be him.

instantly · 03/10/2016 07:40

How old and the kids and what do they think?

SaucyJack · 03/10/2016 07:41

My girls have two long weekends out of three with their dad. It was important to me that they got to spend some time at weekends with me to do fun stuff, and to see my side of the family.

It also seems to suit their dad to have some weekends to himself- although that wasn't my motivation, to be clear.

Would that work for you?

AyeAmarok · 03/10/2016 07:42

So he has downtime and social plans Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, sees them Friday evening, but frequently brings them back on Saturday so he can go out Saturday night and golf on Sunday? Poor lamb.

YANBU.

Of course maintenance should be paid at the rate based on what nights he actually has them. Especially since you seem to be doing all the running about to facilitate it.

hesterton · 03/10/2016 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitless · 03/10/2016 07:51

The whole every weekend thing is perfectly do-able! My DP and I have his LG Friday morning to Sunday night.
If we have plans that we can't take the kids along to then we arrange childcare to suit between ourselves, and do not dump her back with her mum!

Phillipa12 · 03/10/2016 08:02

Clearly contact time is not working as he keeps making plans, you need to tell him that if he still only wishes to pay what he pays then he needs to have the dc 2 nights a week every week, and if "stuff" falls on his contact then he arranges childcare not you, If he cant have them the nights he suggested then he picks another two end off which can be consistent. His priorities need to change but they wont because he knows he can get away with what hes doing, the words your weekend your responsibility to sort a babysitter not mine work wonders as does well i shall just go down the official route because your not having the dc for the correct no of nights.

Phalenopsisgirl · 03/10/2016 08:02

You need to sort something more realistic, every other weekend plus a regular overnight during the week sounds more realistic to me. This may mean he has to give up darts/ skittles but that's just life. It will however give you a chance to a regular week night to yourself.

ThatStewie · 03/10/2016 08:14

Men like this don't change and you can't force him to have a relationship with his children. They will get hurt - and probably already are - as children aren't stupid and work out very quickly when they aren't important. Prioritising his social life over the children means he's a shit father and there is very little you can do to fix this.

I would email him a change in contact that is EOW from Friday through to Monday. Then insist he pays the correct maintenance based on actual nights. Keep a log of all contact, times when he cancels etc. If he can't commit to EOW, then I would stop facilitating. Make your plans and he can work around them rather than you having to drop everything to arrange his life.