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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell EXH that he cannot see the DCS until he gets his priorities right?

67 replies

inabizzlefam · 02/10/2016 23:13

Once again STBXH has informed me whilst picking up DCs from him today that he can't see them as arranged as he is playing golf then going out that night........ to get shitfaced and shagged I guess.
Now I don't care who he shags but he has Sunday through till Thursday to do this as he has the DCs Friday night till Sunday morning. However, in the seven months that we have been separated he has not managed to stick to this arrangement for a full month,consecutively.
The DCs have been dropped off Saturday night because of Golf or picked up early Saturday evening because he is going out on a date more times than I care to remember.
He pays less than CM calculator states he should based on them being with him 2 nights per week and I went along with this because he agreed to DCs every weekend. But he keeps moving the goalposts and I am getting pissed off now. It not only messes up my plans it makes DCs feel like they come second best to golf and nights out in the pub.
AIBU to ask him to pay more CM as he's not sticking to agreed days and nights? I know how he hates handing money over to me so am hoping that might make him stop messing the DCs around and stick to what has been arranged.

OP posts:

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 08:18

Skittleness
If it's not financial then why are you asking if you're being unreasonable to ask him to pay more CM?

Because hitting the bugger financially is the only way to make him sit up and take notice!

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 08:25

Phillipa
if "stuff" falls on his contact then he arranges childcare not you

Dads in this situation should make damn sure "stuff" doesn't fall on those days. It is for time spent with DAD, not a babysitter!

There may be a RARE occasion (e.g. friend's wedding celebration) that can't be rearranged, but most things (e.g. dates) can.

VioletBam · 03/10/2016 08:27

In your shoes, what I would do is every time he tried to get me to collect them earlier I'd simply not turn up but would turn up at the proper time and on the proper day.

expatinscotland · 03/10/2016 08:51

Start logging his cancellations. Suggest EOW and don't kowtow to his demands of pickup/collect. On his weekend, don't cave.

If he works 20 hours/week and has them only at weekends he has plenty of downtime.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 03/10/2016 08:53

Sounds like the poor bloke just doesn't have time to be a parent.

Poor kids.

Chikara · 03/10/2016 09:00

YABU.
Children are not possessions to be bought and sold. They are not yours to bargain with. How would you feel if he said that as you spent too much time sitting them in front of the telly while you chatted on the phone that that wasn't "quality time" and therefore you didn't have a right to see them. Or that you didn't spend enough money on things for them - and therefore didn't deserve to have them.

What is best for them? I'd guess that seeing their dad and being part of his life and both parents working to achieve the best for them.Sit down, talk it through, work out ways that work for you all - like grown ups.

hermione2016 · 03/10/2016 09:04

He is used to being able to have his time when he wants it.Its not fair on the children but I agree with an earlier comment, men like him won't change.

Sadly you don't have more options other than create a realistic schedule and support your children WHEN he lets them down.No amount of money will incentise a man to see his children.He needs to feel it's important and clearly he doesn't.

I know it's heartbreaking for you watching the children be let down but you can hide from them what their dad is like.Just bolster their self esteem so they know it's not their fault.When they are older they will know you did your best and that's the best reward ever.

Original poster

inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 09:25

Just to clarify, I do not want to stop them seeing their dad, I want them to see more of him, not less, which is what is happening every time he has some pressing social event.
Asking him to pay more CM is the only way I can think to make him start treating his DCs properly. As has been spotted by a PP, the only way to get him to sit up and take notice is to hit him in the wallet. Trying to appeal to his concience is pointless as he doesn't have one.
Everytime I pick them up on a Sunday morning I am just waiting for him to inform me that the following weekend plans have changed yet again.
When we first split he was adamant that he wasn't going to be a "weekend dad" so I told him we should do 50/50. Thats when the excuses started and I asked him to choose when he could fit them in. It was his idea to do Friday 6pm till Sunday 10am, but clearly he cannot even stick to his own arrangement.
I work from home so am very flexible, but this chopping and changing is not fair on our DCs. I can see that, why can't he?

OP posts:

Hellochicken · 03/10/2016 09:31

YABU
It doesnt sound like it is working at the moment though, keep a diary, it needs to be something he can stick to for the DCs sake

Original poster

inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 09:32

Also, the divorce hasn't been finalised yet as he is still stalling over clean break finances. Can I ask my solicitor to draw up some kind of contract with his access times set out so he can't keep doing this? Obviously if there's a wedding or something important to attend then I would be okay with changing plans, but I'm damned if I'm going to let a bloody game of golf take precidence over our DCs right to see their dad.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2016 09:43

Yes, you can ask your solicitor and his, to set out a new, revised access plan that's more workable than the one that's in place at the moment.

Better for you, better for him and most importantly much better for the kids.

How old are they btw?

Frogers · 03/10/2016 09:47

Can you speak to him? Just very simply put it to him that it's not working out the way it is and how does he suggest contact should be going forward? Or if you don't want to leave it to him to decided tell him you want to change it to X going forward.

He's a dick, he is prioritising his social life but you're allowing him by taking the constant changes on the chin and going along with it. If you want the contact to remain the same (which I don't think is actually a good arrangement) then a simple, I'm sorry that doesn't work for me and leave it at that.

Cakedoesntjudge · 03/10/2016 09:53

I've been separated from ds dad for 4 years. For that time he sets his own schedule, gives me about 8 weeks worth, the idea of which was that he is a shift worker and he couldn't commit to regular days but wanted to see him two nights a week.

In that time I don't think he's ever stuck to one of the schedules he's given me, always changes the plans last minute, won't have ds if he's ill, and frequently cancels nights because he's picked up overtime.

It used to drive me absolutely insane. It's rude, inconsiderate and heartbreaking with regards to DS being disappointed so I completely get where you're coming from.

However I learnt that the best thing to do is expect nothing. You can't change someone else's behaviour and it will drive you crazy trying to do so. It's a waste of time you being mad because he won't care.

I will echo what others have said, every weekend just isn't practical, maybe he thought it was at the time. Why don't you try saying "if you know somethings coming up one weekend you can swap it to two nights during the week" if he only works 20 hours then that is more than doable and then he can choose to sacrifice one of his other hobbies one week for the golf or whatever?

Original poster

inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 09:54

The DCs are 14, 9 and 8.
I honestly have no idea what to do next. HE chose this arrangement. I would have preferred EOW and one night midweek, but his social life makes midweek impossible. He also refuses to see more of them in school holidays. This is not due to work commitments but, as he put it, because he is paying CM for me to look after them in the week, school or holiday irrespective.

OP posts:

Frogers · 03/10/2016 09:56

You can't change his attitude as shit as it is. Why not just tell him that it's not working out and it's going to change to EOW going forward with the option of a night midweek in the weekend in between. If he's not happy then suggest he arranges a mediation session.

calilark · 03/10/2016 09:59

My brother has his daughter every weekend, Friday night through to Sunday afternoon. He starts work at 6am and finishes at 6pm, so weeknights aren't a possibility as much as he would like them to be due to leaving for work at 5.30 The driving thing behind it however is his ex who won't even let him see her in the evenings before bedtime. This is so she can go out on the piss literally every Friday & Saturday night. He gets no downtime ever, she will never swap so he can have even a single weekend night for himself.

BillSykesDog · 03/10/2016 10:00

He sounds like a dick. Regardless of him wanting every weekend it sounds like it would be better for your children to go EOW as they would be let down less often. Don't look at this as you doing him a favour, but as doing what's best for your kids.

Does he get a reduction in CM for supposedly having them every weekend.

PonderingLikeAPond · 03/10/2016 10:05

Could he not do

Week One:- after school friday and back to yours for bed on Saturday
Week Two:- pick up Saturday am and return Sunday am
Week Three:- pick up Sunday am and drop at school monday am

That way you both get weekends with the kids and without. You can both arrange stuff to do with or without the kids.

I couldnt imagine no weekend time with my dcs.

TheNaze73 · 03/10/2016 10:06

Think you'll all need to engage with a solicitor here. I can see where you are both coming from

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2016 10:07

You keep saying 'He chose this arrangement'.

Yes he did but it's not working, is it?

Therefore you both need to choose another arrangement and as you both have solicitors involved at the moment, now is probably the best time.

Also the kids are well old enough to have some say in the matter too.

timeforabrewnow · 03/10/2016 10:42

What billsykes said.

The OP is trying to be reasonable and it ain't working as her ex is selfish.

Make it official with solicitors, and if doesn't stick with the arrangements - he doesn't stick to it.

Me2017 · 03/10/2016 10:44

I sm sick to death of men like this who treat children like something they can see at their leisure. Why not start a 3 strikes and you're out rule - that if he misses exactly the correct collection and drop off times (say with 10 minutes leaway for being late or early) three times within 2 months then he does not see the children for the next 3 weeks.

You need certainty so do the children. These men will mess you around until the cows come home if you let them.

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2016 10:49

Why not start a 3 strikes and you're out rule - that if he misses exactly the correct collection and drop off times (say with 10 minutes leaway for being late or early) three times within 2 months then he does not see the children for the next 3 weeks.

Because hopefully she'd rather put the feelings of the children first.

Imagine desperately wanting to see your Dad (not saying they are, but they might be) and your Mum saying "No. I don't care what you want. Your Dad broke the rules so you'll have to lump it".

So the kids go from having one parent who won't put them first, to two parents who won't put them first.

Quickest way to help fuck them up really.

2kids2dogsnosense · 03/10/2016 10:57

inabizzle
because he is paying CM for me to look after them in the week, school or holiday irrespective

What an utter SHIT!

PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2016 11:04

I just don't see how that helps anything-especially if the teenagers want to see their dad. What are you going to say to the fourteen year old?

I agree your ex is not making things easy in the slightest but imposing your own sanctions like that may well make things worse not better and harm your relationship with your children. I've been the child in this situation-it's horrible being treated as a bargaining chip.

You need a new arrangement that works for both of you. Have I missed what your children want?

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