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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell EXH that he cannot see the DCS until he gets his priorities right?

67 replies

inabizzlefam · 02/10/2016 23:13

Once again STBXH has informed me whilst picking up DCs from him today that he can't see them as arranged as he is playing golf then going out that night........ to get shitfaced and shagged I guess.
Now I don't care who he shags but he has Sunday through till Thursday to do this as he has the DCs Friday night till Sunday morning. However, in the seven months that we have been separated he has not managed to stick to this arrangement for a full month,consecutively.
The DCs have been dropped off Saturday night because of Golf or picked up early Saturday evening because he is going out on a date more times than I care to remember.
He pays less than CM calculator states he should based on them being with him 2 nights per week and I went along with this because he agreed to DCs every weekend. But he keeps moving the goalposts and I am getting pissed off now. It not only messes up my plans it makes DCs feel like they come second best to golf and nights out in the pub.
AIBU to ask him to pay more CM as he's not sticking to agreed days and nights? I know how he hates handing money over to me so am hoping that might make him stop messing the DCs around and stick to what has been arranged.

OP posts:

milkyface · 03/10/2016 11:05

YABU to stop contact. You would be just as bad. If not worse, than him.

Maybe you need to sit down and work out a new arrangement? Is he has kids every weekend he doesn't exactly get time to do much for himself does he?

I'm not surprised he is re arranging, why not every other weekend and to his for tea in the week before he goes out or whatever?

You may find he's more reliable because he can go out the weekends he doesn't have the kids, whereas now all his weekends are booked up with the kids so he probably feels like he doesn't get a weekend 'off' which is why he's rearranging.

Before anyone jumps on me I appreciate that people who live with kids full time don't get time off but I do think this is different.

Original poster

inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 11:07

I don't think the 3 strikes idea is good for the DCs, I don't want to punish them because of their dads twattery.
I just want them to have a consistent routine so they know exactly where they are every week, not chopping and changing to suit his social calendar.
Think I will put the EOW to him and ask him to rearrange one of his nights out midweek so he can still play golf as usual on Wednesday, then pick them up from school and take them to school on Thursday. But I'm not holding out much hope. But I will point out to him that as far as I can tell from other parents this is the usual arrangement, plus he'll get a weekend to do all the socialising he wants.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 03/10/2016 11:10

Sounds like a good plan OP.

Good luck and I hope he sticks to it

DixieNormas · 03/10/2016 11:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Starlight234 · 03/10/2016 11:28

I would tell him this is not ok for the children.

Ask him what contact arrangement he can stick too.Less and consistent is better than frequent but constantly been let down.

NoFucksImAQueen · 03/10/2016 14:59

Yanbu at all.
Can you do eow for the whole weekend i.e. Sunday night
And more cm
It's ridiculous that he's messing them around like this

Original poster

inabizzlefam · 03/10/2016 22:36

He has finally replied to my email.
It is all full of bluster.
Apparantly this is the first time he has not seen the DCs on a Saturday (not true).
The best bit is that the DCs are not being messed up by him but by me for having the audacity to leave him......if I had stayed in the marriage then none of this would have happened and the DCs would be happy.
I had to force myself to walk away from my phone and not reply, but really? He thinks we should have stayed together "for the sake of the DCs.
I have saved his reply as it may be useful in the future.

OP posts:

Frogers · 04/10/2016 08:14

Do you have a log of the other weekend he has cancelled, changed?

Butlerbabyno2 · 04/10/2016 11:28

My and my exP arrange the childcare so he has our DS one night per week on the weekend either Friday or Saturday we are quite flexible then one full weekend a month. This works really well. DS still then has regular contact with his dad, we each have a night to our selves a week and then for one weekend of the month they get to go somewhere together, this might work better for you as then it accommodates both your needs? And tbh if he can't stick to an agreement then of 1 day out his week you then have evert right to stop contact. X

Thefishewife · 04/10/2016 11:47

Agree with you op

If he's going out then he needs to sort a babysitter just like you would have to

Why do men simply say oh I can't have them well the options are get a baby sitter or don't go personally I would be dropping them round as planned

What happens if you need to go out of Imagine you have to get a sitter or say no to the invite

Thefishewife · 04/10/2016 11:49

And those who are saying you should be more flexible

I say F off its what suits the children not if they can fit in with his golfing

When you have children you can't peruse all of your hobbies

missyB1 · 04/10/2016 12:03

I would now dictate to him what the arrangements are, make it clear you are now taking charge of the situation. If he can't cope with EOW and one weeknight then he should give up seeing them altogether. Don't get drawn into his resentments about you leaving him, he needs to focus on the kids not on getting back at you. I suspect a lot of this has been about punishing you for leaving him - my ex did the same.

SmellySphinx · 04/10/2016 12:08

The best bit is that the DCs are not being messed up by him but by me for having the audacity to leave him......if I had stayed in the marriage then none of this would have happened and the DCs would be happy.

HAHAHA! I was waiting for this one. If you hadn't already written this as his reply I would have said wait for it...

He can play Golf and any other sport when he's older and the kids are older. They aren't commodities, he isn't a mate you're asking to babysit for you. He is supposed to be their father. Who gives a flying fuck when he wants to go to the pub or socialise.

Tough titties!!
If he wanted to do all those things without the bother and inconvenience of having to look after his own children then he shouldn't have had them at all.
They will see him for what he is and when he finally (if ever) realises that 'now' is the time to have a consistant relationship with them, it will be too late and they won't want to know. I truly hope they fuck him around just as much as he is doing right now.
What is all this "down time" crap? Kids don't just go away or think " Ok, Dad needs his Golf and down time. We feel wanted and loved regardless"

What. A. Cunt.

SmellySphinx · 04/10/2016 12:11

AND he isn't paying you to have them on certain days, he is paying money towards things HIS kids need for day to day living which he would have had to pay for wether or not you are together.

Gottagetmoving · 04/10/2016 12:22

You shouldn't use access to kids as bargaining tools.
Sort out your differences like adults.

Me2017 · 13/10/2016 14:55

If you give these men an inch they take a mile. My children's father chooses to have them zero nights a year - more fool him. His loss.

pikesy · 14/10/2016 01:37

Try having one weekend day each, then you both can plan things outside of school, and both can have a rest. It's clearly not working now.

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