To ask BIL to join in with the Father Christmas pretence?

[LastnightIdreamed]

This is a slightly tricky one. BIL and SIL have chosen to tell their children from the off that there is no such thing as Father Christmas. They want to come and stay with us this Christmas. All fine so far.

DD is 3. She absolutely loved Christmas last year and had a stocking which we opened before we met up with the rest of the family so as to avoid any tricky conversations. This year, at our house, I would like to give her a stocking again but I fear that she is now old enough to notice why her cousins aren't getting one and start questioning the situation (intensively, as she does). BiL obviously has the right to make whatever decisions he wants to re: parenting his own children. It's not for me to undermine that. Would I be unreasonable if I were to suggest that I made up small stockings for his kids and asked them to play along with DD hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve? They are 10 and 7 - is it completely unreasonable of me to try to get them to join in something they don't believe in for DD's benefit? Are they still just too young to do it for the sake of a little cousin? I just feel a bit sad otherwise that DD has to miss out on some of the most common Christmas traditions because of a decision that someone else has made, when that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas. Please let me know what you would all do - thanks!

Do you really think that parents of seven year olds will be pissed off that their children have been told something which is true?

Yep! When I was a kid, my parents did Father Christmas but not the Tooth Fairy. I told a friend, when we were about 6, that the tooth fairy didn't exist and her mum screamed at mine down the phone that I'd ruined all the magic for her DD.

We do Father Christmas with DD (i.e. she gets a stocking) but I don't see it as a big part of Christmas - imho Christmas is more about family and church, not about a fat red man coming down the chimney. So I wouldn't really care that much if others let on.

I was 10 and my DM told me the truth - up to that point, I had no idea it was only a story!

I would like to think that if someone is going to someone else's house for a visit, they would fit in with the host's plans and traditions. Particularly at Christmas. There may be allowances made where beliefs and traditions differ between the 2, so some may go to Mass or similar while others don't, for example. But surely no-one would be so horrible as to shatter a 3 year old's beliefs at such a time?!

That said, if you think that there is a way around it (doing stocking in your bed, BIL and family arriving on Christmas morning rather than the day before, etc), I would examine those.

But I would also feel that, as the OP said, BIL has "invited himself and his family", that it is MY house and it is ME (and my DH) who gets to decide who we want to INVITE to stay, not just be told that we are hosting X number for Y days with Z requirements (whether that's food, entertainments, or beliefs). So I would be letting those who wanted to stay with me know what suits DH and I, and when they are welcome to come to stay, for how long, and what parts of the festivities we expect them to assist with (whether that's bringing parts of the meal; specific or general things like beer or snacks or Christmas cake or cheese for the meal or over the few days; specific jobs to do like peel the potatoes or washup after lunch or make the breakfast or keep on top of binning the wrapping paper; or even bring their own bedding or towels or a spare blowup bed if needed to accommodate such numbers, those sorts of things).

And I would also hope that people with such a sense of entitlement wouldn't then decide to hog the remote control, refuse to go out for fresh air, and just demand certain food and drinks when they want them expecting the host(ess) to be on their feet at all times.

Then again, I had a really bad Christmas last year, when I was expected to travel and fall in with everyone else's plans without a thought for me at all (no forward planning, not being able to enjoy a quiet 10 minutes alone in 4 days, and just bone-weary exhaustion at it all) so I am feeling ungenerous at the moment.

imho Christmas is more about family and church

Ah so not the fat red man coming down the chimney but the bearded sky fairy then? Ah OK

I want my kids to be kind and thoughtful, not spoiled and grabby

Ironic user name BTW.

Heads UP EVERYONE we must all have spoiled grabby kids we do xmas, must be so!

Ok, wow - I had no idea there would be so many responses. Thank you very much for taking the time to respond.

I honestly don't think BIL and SIL are joyless miseries - they are nice people and I'm sure that Christmas will be lovely however we end up organsing it. Apologies if I have given the wrong impression in my OP. I really don't mind them coming to celebrate Christmas at ours. The self-invitation part was actually about them physically staying at our house. We had tried to arrange it so that other family members would stay with us and BIL would stay with PIL to sidestep any potential difficulties but they have been very clear that that won't be convenient for them. Very sorry if that comes across as drip-feeding - to be fair to them, I thought I ahould clarify.

It isn't important enough to cause a big family argument - that's why I wanted to check the un/reasonableness of my proposal, before I caused disporportionate offence. Thanks very much for all your thoughts though - lots to think about there.

Hi op,

I am sure your BIL is diplomatic enough to therefore fall in with your style xmas

"We had tried to arrange it so that other family members would stay with us and BIL would stay with PIL to sidestep any potential difficulties but they have been very clear that that won't be convenient for them."
I still say he has no right to insist that you must host them. I would be totally blunt with him. 'I want my three year old to believe in Santa, and I don't want her told he doesn't exist. So being in my house on Christmas Eve and Morning means maintaining the fiction for her regardless of your opinion on that. I can appreciate you might not be comfortable with that, and your DC may inadvertently let it slip. That's why I think it would be best if you stay with PIL instead.'

I am inclined to believe someone who insists - because he is insisting - on his convenience being paramount would think he was doing your DD a favour by telling her 'the truth'.